What you’re saying…Avoiding an Affair
This discussion, though a comment on my post, was originally based on the article of a very thoughtful blog yesterday written by Andrew McAllister, PhD (PhD stands for Propeller Head according to Andrew’s wife, but I can’t–and won’t–confirm that!). To Love, Honor, and Dismay has many reader-generated articles and very mindful comments from Andrew. One that caught my eye was a post titled “The Affair-Proof Marriage.” (I suggest you read the article in its entirety.)
There’s a growing number of publicized statistics on divorce and infidelity. It may have honeymooners skeptically counting the days till the demise of their relationship. What reassurances, if any, can we have to avoid finding out our spouse is cheating? I wonder how correlated an affair-proof marriage is to a happy marriage. Are the two synonymous with each other? Or can you have an affair-proof marriage that still isn’t fulfilling? And, in wondering that, is it more than commitment that guarantees an affair-proof marriage…
Andrew writes: “In your comment you asked whether commitment is enough to ensure happiness, and therefore whether commitment is enough to ward off affairs. My answers are “no” and “yes”, respectively.
No, a committed person is not guaranteed to be happy and satisfied. (Very little is guaranteed in life and love, right?) Based on the commitment I talked about in that article, however, a committed person would not normally respond to that unhappiness by having a hurtful affair. Remember I said they were averse to hurting their partner and children. Instead I would expect such a person either (a) to work on the relationship, seeking to understand and improve whatever is causing the dissatisfaction, or if that doesn’t work or seem feasible, (b) to extract themselves from the current relationship before involving a third party.”
If you go into a relationship with the mindset that if “it doesn’t work out, there’s always a door,” then you’re almost guaranteeing failure and heartache from inception. If, rather, you can celebrate a marriage for what it is: a coming together of two individuals who pledge to honor and celebrate each other’s growth and evolution, then you are in for a much different life. You’re not naively guaranteeing happiness. What you are doing is assuring your partner that things will unfold as they may and times may prove difficult, but your heart will always remain in the relationship.
If your heart can remain committed even when times are difficult, you will more readily see the beauty of all days…
December 1st, 2006 at 11:09 am
Relationships require good communication and adaptability. Good communication allows problems to be dealt with before they become to big for the relationship to handle. Adaptability allows you to synchronize your preferences with that of your significant other. My marriage lacked good communication. We were both saying things, but not necessarily in a way the other understood. Make sure you’re speaking from the same vocabulary.
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:26 pm
“Affair-proof”? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous?
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:23 pm
Yes, I think it’s incredibly presumptuous actually. My comment on To Love, Honor, and Dismay reflects that. Andrew listed six qualities that would essentially guarantee that your relationship be affair-free, which when I read it gave me more than a chuckle. I’m not sure that you can make a list, or even decide early on in your relationship that it just won’t happen.
What bears noting and puts couples on a good track to fidelity, however is an ear toward the needs and evolution of you both as a couple and as individuals. I think the last line of the post sums it up well: “You’re not naively guaranteeing happiness. What you are doing is assuring your partner that things will unfold as they may and times may prove difficult, but your heart will always remain in the relationship.”