Long Relationships

Before JG and I were married, we visited his parents’ house for Memorial Day. His mom sat me down abruptly and said, “I need to settle something with you before the wedding because I never did this with Nana.�

Oh, my. Nana is JG’s grandmother, his dad’s mom. Does this have to do with a will or something?

“We have to decide,� she continued, “what you’re going to call me after you get married.�

Oh! I tried to hide my surprise and mild panic. I had to decide right this second?

JG’s mom went right on to say that she didn’t care whether I called her by her first name or Mom or whatever, as long as we figured out something. Apparently, she didn’t have this conversation with Nana, so she was stuck trying to avoid addressing her directly. When JG was born, she finally started calling her Nana, because that’s what the grandchildren were saying. She did not want that to happen with us.

When you’re sitting on the couch of your future mother-in-law, it’s difficult to duck and weave to get out a tough spot. You want to sit politely and be a good future daughter-in-law because you have the nerve to take away her precious son. So you sit there and hope that whatever comes out of your mouth is what you actually think.

“Okay,� I started, “I don’t really have a preference, so whatever you like is – �

“No, this should be up to you,� JG’s mom cut in. “Whatever you’re comfortable with is just fine with me. Except Mrs. Last Name. I think that’s too formal.�

“Well, that’s what I’ve always called adults. It might be hard to change that… Is it okay if I just think about it for a little while?�

She hesitated. “Well, all right. Just let me know before the wedding, okay?�

I talked it over with JG and I couldn’t come to a decision that felt right. Calling adults by Mrs. Last Name was the most natural thing to me, but I had to come to grips with the fact that I was an adult, too, at least enough to be married. And I knew that it was ridiculous to call my in-laws by their last names, but it was just so comfortable. Then there was the First Name option, which felt very co-worker-esque to me. Plus, JG’s mom and I have kind of similar names, which is a bit awkward for me.

I finally settled on using Mom and Dad because I knew it would make her feel like I was excited to join the family. I felt a little weird, as though the very decision was an act of betrayal to my own parents. Because JG’s mom took it upon herself to settle the matter, I wanted please her, especially since my ideal, formal, situation wasn’t even realistic. I was also aware that, as the first marriage for both of our families, JG and I were setting precedents for everything. If future children-in-law decided to call the parents-in-law Mom and Dad, I didn’t want to seem like the distant one who chose to be all formal with first names. No way, man.

Even now, though, I feel strange saying Mom and Dad to my in-laws’ faces or even in front of JG and his siblings. It’s like I’m claiming something that’s not my own, but I know that’s me being paranoid because no one really cares that much. I’ve found myself reverting to just avoiding a direct address, which is the easy way out, and I hope it’ll get easier as time goes by. If nothing else, I’m glad JG’s mom forced me to think about the issue. If she hadn’t, I would have to produce a grandchild before I had something to call her!

marriage, in-laws