The Man Behind the Curtain – When the Illusion Becomes Reality
In The Wizard of Oz, when the wizard is revealed, he is depressed at first. It is a scary thing and sometimes a sad thing when you don’t think the real you will measure up to the illusion you have created. But there was also the sense of relief the wizard felt about not having to ‘keep up appearances’ any longer.
But what happens when you have created a negative illusion and you hold on so tightly that it starts becoming the reality?
There is a couple I know – I’ll call them Max and Katie – who have been married for a long time, have a house, have kids… and I would challenge anyone to not be shocked at the way Max speaks to and about Katie. ‘With contempt’ seems like the accurate description most of the time.
Why does Max feel that way about Katie? No reason. Or rather, no real reason.
When the illusion you are portraying is a negative one and you hold onto that illusion with an iron fist, eventually the illusion becomes the reality. What is behind the curtain no longer matters as much.
I admit that I’m putting it a bit simply this way, but what probably started out as a little bit of mouthing off about Katie behind her back to ‘the guys’ snowballed. Instead of having the occasional rant session, he started talking about her that way to other people as well. His disregard then morphed from something he only did when she wasn’t around to the way he treated her to her face.
We create our own environment in many, many ways. What you say about someone when s/he isn’t there influences how you treat him/her when s/he is there.
When it comes to what is out in the open and what is securely behind the curtain in your relationship, it’s your choice where you draw the line and how much you share. However, consider the environment you are creating.
How many times have you truly felt better after having complained about your partner to your friends?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Even with the closest of friends I try not to get too snarky regarding the hubby-even when I’m really mad. Mainly because the things i might get upset over others would have no idea how to handle them because it usually stems from us living as a trucker family. We have arguments or hurt feelings over things most people wouldn’t.
Plus, even in my maddest times, I would never want anyone to think badly of him. So many times when we get upset we get over it quickly and forget and I don’t want others to hold something against him they cannot understand.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
The people that allow Max to speak that way share the responsibility in it, including Katie. The first time she tolerated it, she gave him the permission to do it again. So do his “friends” that sit around and listen to it without saying it’s not cool or even worse yet, laughing at it.
I keep my relationship private for the most part when it comes to friends and family. I don’t disrespect my husband by bashing him or making jokes at his expense, unless I’m just being playful. Nothing that would hurt his feelings. There have only been a handful of times in 15 years that I’ve had to vent and I’ve learned it doesn’t really do any good.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Jenera - True, there is always the fact that others may not understand what you’re feeling and going through. And complaining always runs the risk that people might not get over it as fast as you do.
Shannon - That’s a very good point. It’s not just Max - it’s everyone else as well.