Sherlock “Homes”
“Quick, hurry! She’s gone for a run! It’ll just take a second! Hurry! Ok, you keep watch!� At least, that’s how I imagine my parents’ flurry when I left the house for a few minutes. It probably wasn’t quite that dramatic—maybe more stealthy, putting away the laundry or wanting to make my bed and—Oh! Look, there’s her diary under her mattress!
I’ll be the first to admit it: no, a diary wasn’t all they found. I was an honor student, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to “try what the other kids were trying.� They found cigarettes once and alcohol ONE OTHER time, I believe. But that really was the worst of it, I swear!
I think that was one of the most damaging things to my teenage relationship with my parents. I feared that whenever I was out of the house for a moment that they would be rifling through my things, reading any notes or letters that they could find, looking for the worst and hoping for the best. It was incredibly nerve-racking for me. In retrospect, I wished that we could have just had an open dialogue about things. I wish I could have shared what my friends were doing, what they had asked me to do/try, or what I had done.
On the Today Show (NBC), this morning they hosted a segment called “Spying on your Kids� with Argie Allen from the Council of Relationships and Dr. David Walsh from the Institute on Media and the Family. Though their theme was that “protecting your kids will always trump their privacy,� an undertone in their advice was to really know your kids. Look for opportunities to open the conversation. Perhaps they are the type that needs a little “surveillance.� Perhaps they would prefer a conversation with you. Only you as the parent know that.
In our ever-expanding global culture, technology leaves our children more exposed than they used to be. They are more vulnerable to predators. If you feel that monitoring your children is necessary, like watching what they have on their MySpace page, tell them! Tell them that no matter how wonderful and honest you know they are that you are still going to be checking their page once a week, to make sure that no one is contacting them inappropriately.
If you read my earlier post this week, you know my opinion on spying on someone that you’re in a close relationship with. It’s not effective. It only breeds distrust and anxiety. Instead, I hope that my brief perspective as a teenager (god that feels like ages ago) offers some insight into the relationship between parents and teens from their view.
Exercise: Instead of listening to the radio or watching TV, open a dialogue with your child—perhaps by saying something about you that they may not know. Then ask for something of them that they would like to reveal. In doing this often and nonjudgmentally, you may actually gain their trust. And, covert operations will become less necessary.
Resources:
Today Show, NBC
parents, Today Show, Spying on your Kids, close relationship, teenager
October 21st, 2006 at 7:42 am
Good piece, Christina. When I was a teen, I was something of a geek-my room was full of sci-fi and horror books and toys. Although my parents had access to my room, they didn’t see any point in my particular interests, so they didn’t even want to go snoop!
I’m lucky with my own daughter. I’ve always had a very close relationship with her. However, some of my background as a social worker has been in the field of juvenile justice. I’ve run across teens that parents should be keeping a closer eye on.
The exercise you give is great, but(no insult intended) I have to say that there are teens out there who would refuse to participate in such an exercise if it comes out of the blue. A parent would have to have made an effort in the past to establish a relationship with their child and not just have such an exercise come up after years of not communicating.
Again, I liked this piece a lot. May use it as a jumping-off point for a post of my own.
October 21st, 2006 at 8:40 am
Gayle- Terrific comments and you’re 100% right about the exercise. I think if my parents had tried that AFTER coming in my room it would have felt disingenuine and insulting to me. However, if my dad had come to me, during a time when we were sharing something we had in common (like our love of tennis) it might have been different. I think it goes back to my comment about looking for the opportunity for conversation with your child–at least that’s what I was getting at and trying to bring back to the surface. Look for those moments when you could talk, share, and communicate openly.
Can’t wait to read your article!! I love the posts on your site…incredibly thought-provoking and useful.