Long Relationships

For those of us who have ever tried to find our way into a family as the second wife, you know it is a difficult time. Depending on how long your husband’s first marriage was and how close they were to his ex, you may have a trying road ahead of you. Their acceptance, love and support of all that you and he are working to build may not come so easily. There may be miscommunications and misunderstandings about what behavior and social interactions with his ex are respectful.

A dear friend of mine is in the midst of that right now. He faces great difficulty as he and his new wife try to articulate to his family what they think should be a loyalty to him. Not a loyalty to them both, but a loyalty to him and to the pain and struggle that he went through during the divorce. His family’s compulsion to associate with his ex-wife, almost instead of him in some circumstances, is causing great strain.

Here is a portion of a letter to a family member that they are in the midst of difficulty with:

I wanted to thank you for sending a birthday card and money for ___. Your thoughtfulness for him was greatly appreciated. We have put his ten dollars in the “Guest at Our Table� contribution box for our church.

It may not be your intended message, but it is the one that my ex-wife reminds me of every chance she gets. I’ve told you all of this before. But, I feel like it matters not. You have no desire to step into my shoes to understand my experience and seem baffled by any pain that I may be experiencing.

I am divorced. My ex-husband and I are best friends so our situation is slightly different. But, I would still be hurt that my mother would send a birthday card for my daughter to my ex-husband’s house, rather than mine. I would be upset if she went to his birthday party instead of the one I threw. I would be upset because in my mind what she’s illustrating to the kids is that she doesn’t support me and that they only have one home.

I don’t know the advice that I should give my friend. I think he has been patient and will probably continue to be because what he doesn’t want is to lose a part of his family. But what he wishes is that they would respect the fact that he went thru agony because of his ex-wife and that he has found the truest love he has ever known. The time has passed to remain good friends and family with his ex-wife. But, they do not understand why he is so upset that they would buy his ex-wife diapers when she needs them, mop her floors, go to her birthday parties and babysit for her. They think he’s being unreasonable. He thinks they are misguided and ignorant of all that has befallen him. And he is tired…tired of a fight with people that he loves.

stepfamily, ex-wife, ex-husband, in-laws, parenting, relationships, second wife