Long Relationships

Last week, over at All & Sundry, Linda ruminated about the risks involved with taking a step forward in a relationship. In a conversation sparked by a friend who swore that he wouldn’t marry until he was 30 - and who has now turned 29 - Linda asks how long his long-term girlfriend will wait and hint for a proposal. In her mind, life-altering decisions involve choosing weighing the stability of what is known and comfortable against the risk of taking a step for something that could be really rewarding but can be scary at the same time.

I think that’s what it comes down to for some people. You look at your feelings, your life situation, and you just . . . take a guess. You accept the risk, or you don’t. You make a leap of faith, or you don’t.

Initially, Linda’s husband, JB, simply told their friend that he would “just know” when the time was right. The trust-your-gut approach can work for some people, but it didn’t sit well with Linda. She shared times in her life when she just didn’t feel right but took the plunge anyway: getting married, having a baby, deciding to try for a second baby. In an illustration that really resonated with me, Linda described a fundamental difference between how she and JB approach potentially risky situations.

Several years ago we were hiking in Nevada, going down this steep hill covered in loose scree. JB was taking big, charging steps, he was using the rock to help him slide along. In contrast, I was mired in a fear of falling, I was making these tiny, awkward movements and trying to grasp at nearby vegetation to keep me from tripping. It took me forever to get down this hill. Forever. While JB waited at the bottom, patiently.

I can easily see myself in this image, hanging on to any sapling in my path, if only to avoid sliding down a hillside on my caboose and sporting a myriad of bruises. I wonder if Linda is like me and peels bandages away slowly. I know ripping them away all at once is faster, but I’d rather control smaller dosages of pain. In the same way, I am much more cautious and calculated than JG regarding our relationship. Although he and I were close friends for months before we started dating, I was hesitant to make it official, partly because my prior breakup was still fresh in my mind. At one point, I even asked, “Do you count as my rebound if it’s been seven months?”

Luckily, JG brought me around to the idea that it was okay to go for something even if you haven’t charted out all of the possible scenarios, budgets, and losses associated with it. We’re both planners by default, but sometimes, there’s a point when running the numbers is not sufficient and we just have to trust each other. I’ve also learned that if I go down an unsteady path with the thought that I’m going to fall, the anticipation will affect me more than the actual fall would hurt. JG would just run up to help me if I fell; part of this marriage deal is being safety nets for each other.

If Linda’s story is any indication, there’s still hope for me:

I wish it were easier for me, I wish I had the sort of faith people talk about when they talk about prayer. I wish I could learn to slide on the loose rocks. But I have learned to gamble. I have learned to hold my nose and jump.

After all, taking a big leap isn’t so hard if you can hold someone’s hand.

couples, taking risks, milestones, All & Sundry