Nix the Nothing
“What are you thinking about?�
“Nothing.�
“It looks like you’re thinking about something. What is it? You seem a bit quiet.�
“No, it’s nothing.�
“Ok.� (The giving up is only this easy, because this is the five-hundredth time you have had this little chat.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ever had this dialogue with your partner? Maybe it happens after a fight? Maybe it’s a more regular exchange? Both men and women are guilty of it. If you’re on the receiving end, it’s patronizing and frustrating.
We know Nothing well enough to know that it’s far from Nothing. So, here’s my proposal to the Nothing. I propose to save that word from triviality in the English language. I propose we savor that word for all that it’s worth—valuing it instead for positive connotations, rather than making it a misleading label for the vapid state of mind we delude people into thinking we possess.
Two people in my life, albeit in completely different circumstances with their significant others, have had this similar discussion. And, they have had strikingly similar resolutions that save them what would be the resulting argument from Nothing.
In the first circumstance, it has been a long day at work for him. He’s frustrated and stewing about something that happened. She notes his different demeanor and tries to ask what’s wrong (something similar to the dialogue above). She gets Nothing. After much arguing, and the eventual negating Nothing and sharing the unspoken frustration with her—they both decide that all of that nonsense was exhausting. It could have easily been remedied with: “You know, there is something on my mind. But, I’m still upset about it. Can we talk about it later this evening—maybe after dinner?�
In the second circumstance, there is continued turmoil. She and he are struggling to maintain respect, friendship, and kindness in a relationship that has lost much over the years. Though the relationship may end, both would like to do so with their dignity and sanity intact. But, as things end, there is inevitable arguing and misunderstanding. To avoid dreading walking in the room when the other is present, they have established a set time to talk about anything that bothers them. There’s no stomping around the house mad, until the other one reluctantly asks what the issue is. They know that there is a time to talk about anything on their mind. And, out of respect for themselves and each other, they wait for that forum.
PROPOSAL FOR NOTHING: Do what these couples have done!
1. Acknowledge that there is something to the Nothing. (“There’s something bothering me but I’m not ready to talk about it. “ OR “Something you said yesterday really hurt my feelings.�)
2. Set up a time to discuss the Nothing. (“I’m not ready to talk about it now. Can we talk about it ______?� OR “Let’s discuss it at our scheduled time on _____.�)
By following those two tiny little steps, you’ve diffused the tension, acknowledged your partner’s concern, and removed any anxiety your partner has about never having a forum to discuss it.
I have Nothing more to say about this!
conflict resolution, relationships, conversation, couples, marriage, partner
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:59 am
Ah, the Nothing coversation! I can’t tell you how many times my significant other and I have had that one. We still have it. It’s usually me who asks the question. After ten years together, though, I have finally learned that, when he says “Nothing”, my answer is just to bring up the subject again sometime later, when I can tell he’s in a better frame of mind!
November 2nd, 2006 at 4:45 pm
I’ve been one kind of relationship or other for a long time. Naturally, the “communication quotient” has varied along the way.
BUT, the “nothing” conversation, I believe, is universal and unalterable. OK, I admit, there is some truth to the argument that even nothing is something. As Linus once said to the little round headed kid, “Charlie Brown, for a nothing, you’re really something.”
Unfortunately, I am a man. I am a sensitive, artistic. opinionated, emotional, creative, Scorpio kind of man, but I am a man. Therefore I am incapable of anything except the most heartfelt empathy towards women. I cannot REALLY feel what they feel. I often do my best to IMAGINE what they’re feeling, not unlike the way Showtime’s “DEXTER” (Is anyone watching that? Can I sign up for a BLOG??) tries to “act normal.”
Sad truth, though…
We men, and with NO hurtful insinuation here whatsoever, we straight men, regardless of our great depth, sometimes actually are just thinking about “nothing.”
There, I’ve said it.
Let the truth be known.
Every man thinks about nothing some time.
Some think about it a lot.
When it comes to the “nothing” conversation you discuss between a man and a woman, and your justification for eradicating said intercourse, let me offer my unschooled opinion as to why you’re fighting a losing battle even when the guy IS thinking about the kind of things you suggest.
Guys… Most guys, are loathe to cover the same ground more than say, two or three thousand times. Oh, it’s true, many a variation on a theme is possible. Look at popular culture. But even the dumbest man knows that discussing a thought, which is reflective of a recurring relationship theme, even though it’s on his mind, won’t resolve anything…
AND THAT”S WHAT MEN WANT!
They want resolution. They want to FIX things. If it can’t be fixed, most men will tell you (especially if they’re less than sober, not that I recommend insobriety at all ;-), they don’t want to discuss it.
So there you have it.
Sometimes men really do have NOTHING on their minds.
Sometimes what’s on their minds doesn’t merit discussion… to their way of thinking, that is.
Naturally, being a more fully evolved man;-P, I can be gently coaxed into talking about practically anything of interest to my wife, daughters, sister, aged mother, female friend or colleague, regardless of how often the same topic has been broached without resolution.
Thank you for giving me something to say about nothing
BTW: There was an old Gahan Wilson cartoon, where folks were wearing robes and such, emblazoned with a big letter “N,” whose punchline was, “Is NOTHING sacred?”
I guess to some men, it is.
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Tim–those are some fabulously sensitive, opinionated, emotional, and empathetic opinions on the Nothing. I appreciate it.
I don’t doubt–in fact, I have statistical evidence–that men do typically think about nothing. I suppose my justification for asking about Nothing in my relationship goes beyond the “quiet” that seeps in sometimes. Quite frankly (and I know you probably couldn’t believe it from my posts) but I’m very quiet, so I get asked that a lot too. It has more to do with other body language that looks distracted, moody, and distant.
Then, there’s the “disbelief factor” that comes in. When he/she says Nothing and it truly is Nothing, but there have been so many conversations where Nothing truly equaled Something, there’s no trust there. If Nothing was used more sparingly (my argument for savoring it), it would in fact have a bigger effect–a “quieting” effect on the discussion.
Things to dissuade someone from sharing:
1. You’ve already told 10 co-workers before you left work and you just don’t have the energy to retell the story one more time.
2. You know that it’s just an emotion that there is no resolution to, and thus, don’t want to share it to have your spouse talk about it for two hours trying to fix it.
Still, I advocate sharing whatever the Nothing is. Share just so that your partner knows where your head is–even if it’s in the clouds!
(Actually, when I wrote it I had just finished reading The Neverending Story with my girls…so the Nothing had a slightly different meaning!)
November 2nd, 2006 at 8:23 pm
I can’t believe you said all that!!
I now have NOTHING to add.
I’ll just sit here and be quiet for a while. Maybe contemplate my navel. Wait, something’s on my mind. No, that’s a hat. No, I don’t wear hats. What is it?
Oh, great! Now I’ve got nothing but nothing to think about!!
November 2nd, 2006 at 10:47 pm
See Tim, now we’ve built up trust. I truly believe that Nothing is on your mind!
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:21 pm
The hell with LOL.
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!
November 3rd, 2006 at 3:48 pm
You know, Tim…I believe you too! And I believe those were very insightful comments…feel free to think about your navel now! haha. But seriously, that’s been the compromise in my relationship…either we agree to say “Yes, there’s something wrong but I’m not ready to talk about it. Let’s talk about it at ….(time)” or one of us says “nothing” and understands that, especially for men, this is truly possible!
November 5th, 2006 at 1:47 am
[...] These difficulties are corrosive to me. I am compelled to want to fix them—much like a man, right Tim? But, there is no fix, save time…save adjustment to what is only an experience that is three years young and will last decades longer. We have made it thru a preschool graduation—with high school, college, weddings, and grandbabies yet to go. And the weight of it sometimes, is unspeakable. [...]
November 28th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
[...] I feel as though we’ve turned a corner. Something has deepened between the two of us. Perhaps we’ve acknowledged internally all that we’ve been through and can see ourselves on the other side of it now? Perhaps we’re sharing more of ourselves than we used to? Opening up comes more easily. We’re less apt to resort to Nothings when something truly bothers us. Remembering to touch each other in passing comes almost without thought. [...]