Love will bloom
No matter how much love a stepmother provides, it will always be a different kind of love. It may seem like a motherly love, but it’s not their mother’s love. It may seem like a friendly love, but it’s not the love of a friend. It’s a love all its own. It grows from struggle, strain, triumph and failures. It grows from the death of something else (first marriage). It springs up out of the mud of the pond, like a lotus—against all odds and adversity—and makes an exquisite flower.
But, it doesn’t happen overnight. Trust me, I’ve spent many a night awake watching for it to arrive, worrying that it hadn’t. It has been three years and in most books I’ve read and professionals I’ve spoken to, the “getting to know you� period of a stepfamily can last as long as seven years.
My stepdaughter clams up sometimes. I get equally frustrated and sad that she does that. I can only imagine how many different directions she is pulled in, and how confused she is about all of this. Whether it’s as simple as missing her mom, or a more complicated emotion, I’m frustrated because I wish she would just share it with me. But, what I should be doing is asking thoughtful questions that might help her feel secure enough to talk and give her space to feel comfortable in doing so.
And, I walk a fine line every moment. Two years ago, I gave much space. I disappeared to let her spend time with her dad, brother and other family. I was in the shadows, trying not to be too affectionate around R, and giving her the space to explore her new home with us. That space proved a mistake, as it left her feeling a bit like I didn’t care for her.
That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
There are nutrients in the soil. There is a seed in the mud. It will grow. But, it needs patience and tempered waters. There will be ripples in the pond, but slow growth will make for a strong stem on the family lotus we tend.
stepfamily, relationship, stepdaughter, patience, communication
November 8th, 2006 at 2:42 am
Relationships that are not blood ties are so hard to forge. Its so easy to love your parents and your kids. But the moment you start trying to see connections and build bridges, everything ceases to exist.
I guess the only thing we can do is be ourselves and let time bring the love.
November 8th, 2006 at 11:18 am
And this is why you will succeed. ;o)
Hugs,
Holly
Holly’s Corner
November 8th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Christina,
This was a wonderful post. I’ve never had to deal with being a stepmother, but my fiancee deals with being stepfather to my daughter every day. He and I have been together for ten years and, although my daughter thinks of him as “Dad” and they have a very good relationship, I know there are still times when he feels left out of the relationship that she and I have.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who deals with this situation.
November 8th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
After a divorce a child has to walk a line between two families. Depending on the adults in each new family pod the child must decide what if anything can be shared between them. Many times you are left with not sharing anything that happened in the other family pod because it can be used against you when members of pod A make a remark to member (s) of pod B. Then pod B becomes disrupted when you’re accused of revealing the inter workings of pod B to members of pod A. Silence becomes the safest course for personal survival!