Love Me to Love You?
Growing up, I often heard the phrase, “You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.� There are different variations on exactly how it’s said, but basically, the bottom line came down to needing to love yourself before you can have a true loving relationship with someone else.
When I met my husband, that phrase haunted me. Neither of us had particularly great self-images and we were both surprised to have found such great love and caring in each other. Our relationship faced its trials and bumps along the way, but we grew ever stronger.
And yet I didn’t feel particularly loving towards myself. I didn’t hate myself by any means, but I wasn’t about to start spoiling myself either.
In fact, I can honestly say that it’s in large part to our not so great self-images that we were very careful about treating each other well and being sensitive to each other’s feelings. It helped us develop the strong relationship that we enjoy today.
But doesn’t that go against the saying? Shouldn’t we still be hanging out with the other singles, trying to develop some smidgen of self love?
I don’t think so. I think it depends on the people. If you want a relationship with some people, you do need to love yourself and be confident. With other people, there is room for a little insecurity.
What do you think? Is it necessary to love yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Or does loving yourself just make a good thing better?
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May 12th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I wouldn’t say I was at my highest point in self confidence when I married either. Sometimes you can grow together and make each other stronger though. I think the fact that you were careful with each other’s feelings is wonderful.
Just because someone appears to have higher self esteem or confidence doesn’t mean it’s ok to be highly critical or insulting either. Anyway I think being sensitive to others is a good quality and I would take that over some overly confident cocky insulter any day.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I think it definitely helps to love yourself…then you are less needy and demanding on another person. You know what you like and you enjoy time with yourself. You aren’t always worrying about what someone else thinks and if you are good enough for someone. I think you enjoy life more and are more enjoyable to be around because of that.
I think women that don’t love themselves first go into a relationship as too dependent and they do everything for the man and demand little for themselves. It’s all about pleasing the man and building the man’s ego up. I don’t think that makes a successful relationship at all. I think a woman has to love and respect herself before other people can too. So I do think there is truth in that saying.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Sandra - That’s what I was trying to get at. As long as you can grow together, then it’s not absolutely necessary to be this complete, absolutely confident and self-loving person.
Shannon - True, loving yourself puts less negative demands on your partner. However, would you say that loving yourself and knowing yourself are the same things?
I agree with you in that there is truth in the saying, but I don’t believe it’s a concrete truth. Then again, we hardly live in a world of black and white.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
JM, I think you can probably know yourself and not like what you know and so you’d still be miserable.
I always feel sorry for women that live their lives for men. And I don’t just mean finding happiness in a man’s happiness, I mean sacrificing your own happiness for his, wrapping your identity up in his. It’s a sad way to live life.
Women are too hard on themselves too. The way I look at it is, I am the only one that I am guaranteed I will live my whole life with. For this whole life, I am my own company. So I need to treat myself right and be good to myself so I enjoy the experience.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:44 am
For me it was meeting my husband that helped me love myself. Before him I didn’t feel I was capable of being loved or loving someone else.
He showed that I was worth that and so much more. Without him I could not have come to the point in my life where I do love myself.
In my opinion when you find true love, it will automatically put you in the direction of loving yourself.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Shannon - Very true. There are a lot of women (and a few guys, actually) that I wish would treat themselves as nicely as they treat everyone else (and get walked all over a lot because they’re too nice).
Anyone living solely for someone else is a sad way to live.