Long Relationships

In a recent column, Abigail Trafford discusses the idea that older couples experience greater happiness than younger couples do.

To be sure, “living happily ever after” is more of a fairy tale sentiment than a reality of modern marriage — after all, nearly half of wedding ceremonies are followed by a divorce procedure. But research is showing that for those who stay in marriages, the best indeed is yet to be. Relationships tend to get better with age; older couples are happier and more satisfied than younger couples.

Laura L. Carstensen, director of the Longevity Center at Stanford University, explains, “Long-lasting love grows. Even unhappy couples get happier if they manage to stay together.”

After managing potential conflicts like health problems or financial struggles, research shows that older couples have certain advantages.

An ongoing study of 156 couples at the University of California at Berkeley suggests that older people are better at resolving problems and keeping the flame of attachment alive than younger Romeos and Juliets. Many couples experience a renaissance once they are no longer focused on raising children and getting ahead in the workplace.

“Older couples develop an ability to use positive emotions like affection more effectively, to calm themselves down, to negotiate conflict and to regulate emotions when they get into areas of disagreement,” says Berkeley psychologist Robert W. Levenson, who conducted the study with Carstensen and John M. Gottman of the University of Washington.

The study consisted of couples who were married for at least 15 years and others who were married for at least 30 years and demographics matched those of the Berkeley area. Metrics included spouses’ levels of satisfaction regarding issues like money, children, and socialization. The 1993 report showed that “old marriages have reduced potential for conflict and greater potential for pleasure.”

The researchers plan a “sequel” to the study to see whether the younger couples experience an expected increase in satisfaction as displayed by their older counterparts in the original study. Generational differences, such as the Great Depression, will be considered in the findings, which will be final next year. Trafford adds, “Levenson is betting that the process of aging, which seems to improve relationships, cuts across generational lines.”

A veteran of divorce and author of Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Trafford says wryly:

I hope he’s right. It gives us something to look forward to as we grow old. We may not be able to run as fast or hear as well, but we’re better at what matters most: love. And this age advantage in loving may also bode well for new unions as well as other significant relationships with friends and family.

On a personal note, I enjoy the fact that this study gives credence to those oft-quoted lines of Robert Browning:

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be…

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marriage, older couples, problem-solving, Robert Browning

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