In-Lawed
One of my favorite parts of the movie, Father of the Bride, is when George and Nina Banks (Steve Martin and Diane Keaton) are driving to visit the future in-laws. George says sarcastically, “In-laws! I hate that term. Does that mean we’re legally bound to these people?”
Ah, yes. I thought it was funny when I watched the movie as a teenager, but since I’ve been married, it has a taken on a deeper meaning. I can relate to almost anything with in-law humor. I love that Cingular commercial when the groom-to-be tries to call his future father-in-law “the Jimster” and gets nervous when the call drops. I feel a twinge in my chest when that Mastercard commercial comes on and the Caucasian groom-to-be tries to call his Japanese fiancée’s father “Dad” amidst a flurry of missed handshakes and miscued bows.
JG and I are lucky to have relatively low-maintenance in-laws. Even though our families are remarkably different from each other, each set of parents tries their best to be natural and welcoming. They are nothing like the territorial shrews and ex-army lieutenants who litter television and movies. The fact that we live three and five hours away from his and my parents, respectively, may help in our relationship.
Being a whatever-in-law is a weird role, though. I think society sets expectations that a respectable set of in-laws has the mentality of gaining a son or daughter rather than losing one, but - what if you didn’t want another one? What if the new adoptee doesn’t want to be in the family? The duties of an in-law, regardless of familial status, are rather fuzzy, as well. Does a son-in-law have to act like a son?
If it seems like I have no answers, then I’ve been an effective communicator. I don’t have answers. JG and I are still figuring out how to navigate between our families and it can be tough, sometimes. JG’s parents are very effusive and mine are extremely reserved; that’s the beginning of their differences. I know we’re not alone. It seems like everyone has their own in-law story somewhere in the spectrum between “I see my mother-in-law everyday!” to “Yeah. Them.” As people move in and through relationships, it seems that the strange experience of meeting and then obtaining additional parents is a common thread.
For the rest of the week, I’m sharing two stories from our In-Law file and I’d love to hear yours, too.
March 8th, 2007 at 6:39 am
I hate movies like Monster-in-law that just play on the stereotype of bad in-law relationships. I swore I would never have that when I got married. But I did have a bit of a rocky start with my mother-in-law. She’s just different than me and lacks a little in the social etiquette area. I used to be really sensitive about things that she would say to me, but as time goes on, I have learned that she is actually harmless and is just totally unaware that the things she says can be taken as insulting. I have observed that she says similar things about and to other people, so just more evidence that it was never like she was attacking just me or anything. I think overall she really likes me…like you say, it’s just a complicated thing that you just have to take step by step.
March 8th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Sijbrich - It’s nice to know when standoffish behavior isn’t specific to just you, right? I think it’s great that you’ve been able to look past all of that. I found it hard to resist overanalyzing how people in JG’s family reacted to me until I realized that I didn’t need to think harder than they were.
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