I Tell, I Tell Not…
Last week for Love Question Eleven, we talked about how open and honest you should be when it comes to your past relationships. While the general consensus was that honesty is good, but detailed specifics are uncalled for, it got me thinking about honesty in the other areas of relationships…
We’re all aware of little white lies and what they are. From telling someone yes, the apple pie really did taste great (when it wasn’t great at all), to not having the heart to tell someone quite how bad their latest haircut is, I think most of us have told at least one white lie in our time.
But how many have you told to your partner? Do you think it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing to do so?
I think when it comes to my partner and me, the most frequent lie is the lie by omission. We hate hurting each other and thus we tend to not say anything when something comes up. While this is okay for minor annoyances that are forgotten a minute later, we have gotten ourselves in trouble a time or two because of it.
We’re working on it, though, and are finding our own happy medium between complete and utter honesty and omission.
While I personally would tell my husband if his apple pie wasn’t so great, I know people who would tell a white lie with no hesitation and have no qualms about doing so.
Where do you draw the line in your relationship? Do you think it helps or hinders? Have you ever been caught in a white lie or caught your partner in one?
July 15th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I tell little white lies if it protects his feelings in some areas, things that he can’t do anything about. Like if he went to a meeting and he came home and was telling me about it and I saw a booger in his nose or he noticed later it was in his nose. I wouldn’t tell him about the booger in his nose or I’d say it wasn’t there when you came home, because then he’d just obsess and be embarassed that he had a booger in his nose during the meeting. Now if we were at dinner or he was leaving for a meeting where he could still do something about it, I’d definitely tell him.
The thing like the apple pie you mentioned, I’d tell him. I’d word it in a loving way, but I’d tell him. Because I don’t want to get stuck eating apple pie that doesn’t taste good for the rest of my life. Or he could think it’s great and take it as a gift for someone. I’d just tell him that I love so much that he made a pie, but something tastes a little off and maybe we could get a recipe book and make it together next time and see if we can figure out what ingredient was off or needs tweaking next time.
I fib about what I pay for things sometimes. Not big ticket items, but little things like hair or bath stuff. But I tell him I fib about that too. I don’t like to be quizzed on what I paid for something. I tell him that if he asks, I’ll give him a price but it’s not always going to be the real price. If I bought it it meant I thought about it and thought it was worth it. I’m the one that handles the finances in the house so I know at all times if a little splurge here and there is going to break the bank or not.
One thing I don’t fib about is when he asks me if he’s gaining weight. I put it in a gentle way, but I always answer that honestly if he is. Because it sucks to balloon up and then wonder how the heck you ballooned up and didn’t notice and then have to work so hard to get it back off. I ask him to point it out to me too when I’m packing the pounds on. I’ve worked hard to get weight off and sometimes I start slacking off and start gaining it back and I don’t want to get back to the before shot size.
But in general, we really focus on honesty. When you are in a relationship, you should be able to trust that the other person is telling the truth. That is huge for me especially (childhood issues). If they start lying, you have to wonder why. Are you doing something that makes them scared to tell the truth or is there something in their character that makes them feel the need to lie or are they covering up something.
I told my husband that I can work through a lot of things and I want him to feel the freedom to just be himself. We are all flawed people. We are going to make mistakes. But I won’t tolerate lying (I’m talking real lying) and cheating. Those are my two breaking points.
If you are with a person that lies, you aren’t really having a relationship with that person. You are having a relationship with the idea of that person and it’s a big crash when you find out they aren’t who you thought they were.
July 20th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Excellent response. I hate being quizzed about my purchases because that’s the kind of thing I got growing up. If I spent a lot on something, even if it was necessary, I was made to feel guilty. Thankfully my husband is aware of that.
I think you have struck a wonderful balance between white lies that will keep the peace and white lies that you’re more than happy to tell about.