I spy! I spy!
What is it about a monogamous relationship that implies to some [not all] the license to spy on their spouse’s email, phone messages, etc? I recently watched a discussion play out in a relationships forum where both genders felt it perfectly acceptable to install spyware on their computer to see what their spouse is looking at. A few who posted had even gone so far as to install GPS tracking systems on their cars for covert operations.
A philosophical justification for this by the group was that “when you are married, you become one in the eyes of all—therefore, individuality is lost.? It was a large leap in my opinion from that romantic thought to—I’m going to inspect your person every night before bed! As sexy as that can sound in the right circumstance (that’s a different post altogether), spying on your spouse will never get you the romance, intimacy or peace of mind that you are seeking.
A marriage certificate does not give anyone a personal license or authority to spy on someone else. It does not take away the individuality of your spouse.
Marriage does not make you “one.? It makes you two best friends on the same journey. It means that you see something within each other that is worth celebrating, honoring, and loving for a lifetime…and that you will not change, squelch, or otherwise set fire to that something. You will treasure, nurture, and enjoy your spouse’s individuality. For only in being an individual can you truly show love to another person. You cannot live for someone else—you cannot love for someone else. You must love yourself (corny as it sounds) and then, and only then, do you have love to give to another.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you question the validity of your spouse’s actions that is the effect of something else. The cause of that is poor communication. And poor communication will never be remedied if wifey finds a bug on the back of her Blackberry.
If you really want to know why your spouse sent a strange email, or why there’s an unrecognizable phone number on the cell phone bill—ask! Asking and discussing it objectively and without bias proves want to resolve—bugging someone’s VW just means you want good fodder for the lawyers.
Exercise: If you find yourself with a question or two for your significant other, ask it in a loving, respectful way. Be objective when you hear their response and explain your reason for asking. Opennes between the two of you will save much disagreement later on.
monogamous relationship, marriage, relationship, spouse
October 18th, 2006 at 9:38 am
Your analysis is on the dot. I know in many marriages the two partners know each other’s email passwords and the like. Yet it is best not to pry into each other’s emails. It’s best that a couple keep a common email for more mundane things like bill payments, bank statements or things that involve both and have some private emails too.
One quick comment about communication. I couldn’t agree more with you on your analysis that communication is the key to a good marriage. However, I’ve realized that one important thing in communication is not just “active” listening, but also getting rid of any pre-conceived notions while hearing. A simple statement like “Honey, I bought this for you!” …can mean to the other person..”so you are saying that I’m drain on our finances?” esp. when the going is not so good. Getting rid of our own prejudices in our mind while listening to and or talking to our partners is a very important part of communication.
Keep up the good writing. I promise to stop by.