Long Relationships

Today is Cherie Burbach’s last day guest posting here at Long Relationships. I hope everyone has enjoyed her time here and a special thank you to Cherie for stopping by.

Search Criteria

Search criteria is the single most misleading element of Internet dating. After all, when told to choose specific characteristics of someone you might want to date, it can seem as you have the capability to order up the perfect mate. With questions like “hair color,” “ethnicity” and “education” it’s easy to fall into the trap of limiting search criteria to an “idea” on who you might want to date.

The problems is, search criteria is a major part of how most sites provide you with matches, but it does this based on superficial qualities that in the end have nothing to do with attraction. Ultimately your perfect match is going to be someone you are attracted to on a deeper level – one that goes beyond physical qualities.

So how do you accomplish that when the only way you can search for someone is by specific physical criteria and misc. data? You do it by two key things: keeping your search criteria open and having an essay that shows your personality.

Ultimately your search criteria should be broad enough to include a large number of potential matches. A common complaint with online daters is that they aren’t getting enough responses, or are simply getting too many of the “wrong” types of responses. One way you can combat this problem is with the search criteria you use, but you’ve really got to give it some consideration.

First, let me explain why search criteria can be used by other dates to judge you. There are a number of questions related to your search criteria that you will also likely answer in a short-answer format. These responses will be displayed on your profile, so any potential match will get to see what specifically you are looking for in a mate. While in theory this should not give you any problems, the reality is that some of your potential matches will use the search criteria you’ve enlisted to further size you up.

For example, it might be great to think that you’d like a guy that made at least $150,000 a year, but if you use this as part of your search criteria it may actually put off someone that falls within the range – as they’ll think that’s all you’re looking for. Consider what your search criterion says about you. In using the example just mentioned, a potential date may think you’re only after them for the money.

We all probably have an idea of the type of person we want, so when we fill out the short answer questions we list exactly what we want – height, age, income, eye color, body type… etc. Let me give you an example:

Let’s say I’m a 30-year old guy that’s looking for a girl… and I’d like someone no older than I am. So I put my search criteria to say 18-29. I mean, I want a girl to be old enough to date but no older than me. And I love blondes, so I’m going to search for those. And someone with a degree.

Well this all sounds good, except for the fact that let’s just say there’s a great girl who just turned 32, who has exactly what I’m looking for… except she doesn’t even show up in my search because she’s too old for the age range. And sure… I wanted someone that was younger than me… but what if she was perfect for me in every other way except that she was my age? Wouldn’t I at least want to meet her?

Furthermore, let’s say I do get a lot of responses, but they are from a lot of 18-year olds that seem more immature than I would prefer. I don’t think I have anything in common with them and now I’m frustrated because I’m getting the wrong kinds of responses. What should I do?

The answer to this is simple – your search criteria is not there to pick out your perfect person as if you’re ordering a shirt from a catalog (size: small, color: red)… Your search criteria is there to give you the closest possible matches to your ideal mate. Let’s face it – we’ve all got non-negotiable preferences we wouldn’t even consider changing our minds about when it comes to a potential partner. But be cautious when choosing your criteria. In general it should be more broad than narrow. If you find you are not getting enough responses, this is one area to immediately change. Play around with it.

Your search criterion is there to give you a selection of people that closely resemble what you might be looking for. It’s not there to deliver the perfect mate right to your door. You are still going to have to take the time and get to know these people a bit with emailing and perhaps even meeting them to see if they are the right person for you.

In addition, if your search criterion is very limited, someone that meets your criteria may still not want to meet you because you might appear close-minded to potential dates.

The key to searching successfully is to keep your ideal mate in mind, but widen your search criteria. Don’t close off a door to a potential date just because they don’t fit something exactly as you have them in mind. You might find your idea of “perfect” could change once you’ve met someone great. So if you’re not getting the responses you desire – change things up!