Long Relationships

No, I don’t mean an excited, “Are you ready to date?” (Big smile!)

I mean, “Is your head in the right place?” (Concerned look.)

Just because you’re single now does not mean you are ready for a relationship and all it entails. Heck, it doesn’t even mean you should be thinking about dating.

Under what circumstances should you NOT go online? Here are a few:

You Just Got Out of a Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

• And by “just” I mean the fact that you are now single probably hasn’t even sunk in yet for you. Everyone needs time to grieve the loss of their old relationship (even if it was a bad one) before they can fully appreciate moving on to a new one.

• It’s natural to feel lonely, angry, and confused after a break up of any type, but this goes double if the relationship was a long one. If you force yourself to “get out there” before you are ready, you will only look like a fool and wind up hurting someone else needlessly. Why? Because people who are hurt and have not yet reconciled themselves to their past will go on and hurt others. Even if they don’t mean to.

• Wait until you’ve let enough time pass to clear your head so you can approach online dating the right way.

You Are Still IN a Relationship

• This would seem like an obvious point, wouldn’t it? And yet you wouldn’t believe how many online daters are still in a relationship but are “seeing what’s out there” by emailing people online.

• Unless you are totally free to date, DO NOT go online and email someone. DO NOT even browse the profiles.

• Make a decision to either stay in your current relationship, or leave it. It’s that simple. Don’t wait to see if you can “find someone better” before you break up your old relationship. Get a clean break and then (and only then) should you go online.

• Even if some sites list “currently separated” or “friends first” as a choice online, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to create a profile just to flirt or chat with someone you have no real intention of dating.

• If you’re in doubt about whether you should go online, just think about if your current partner did the same thing. If it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t do it yourself.

You Have a Bad Attitude

• You’d be surprised at how many online daters excitedly agree to meet their potential match out for a coffee date and then proceed to complain about dating, and their ex, and why being single sucks. Guess what? That won’t get you anywhere. In fact, it will probably turn off the one person you have managed to meet.

• If you’ve been hurt by someone and haven’t gotten over it, give yourself some time to deal with it.

• Remember that all of us have sad stories we can tell if we want to. But in the scheme of what’s important, your past is only a source of learning. It doesn’t define who you are right now. So if someone has hurt you, take the lesson (if there is one) and move on.

• Be glad that someone who has treated you badly is out of your life. The fact that you are alone now only means someone great is still waiting to meet you.

You Are Dealing With a Life Crisis

• If you are going through a major life event, like a sick parent or child, consider waiting before you put up a profile. It’s not that you shouldn’t be with someone and be happy, it’s that it isn’t fair to yourself or others if your head isn’t totally ready for the ups and downs of dating. If you are dealing with a major issue, your focus will naturally be on that.

• If you were already in a relationship, it would be a source of strength for you (or at least, it should be) during your stressful time. But to start a relationship when you are in the midst of a crazy time means that you won’t be able to give the time and attention needed to get a new relationship off the ground.

• More than that, you may feel the need to lean on someone that you don’t know yet. If you try and force a relationship into more than it is, it could push away any new people you meet.

• Wait until things calm down for you. Nothing in life stays bad forever, so if you can get through the bad times and give yourself time to heal, you’ll enjoy dating that much more when you are finally ready to get out and meet people.

You Haven’t Gotten Over Your Ex

• Even if it’s been a long time since you broke up, you may never have quite gotten over a previous relationship.

• The reason it’s dangerous to date when you haven’t fully moved past a break up is because you take all that baggage (things you wished you said to your ex, things you wished you had done, arguments you still go over in your head) and you bring it right on in to your new relationship. Rather than viewing the new person you’ve met on their own merit, you look at them through the lens of the previous relationship. This means that before you can even get to know someone new, you are already assuming they will do something to upset or disappoint you.

• To try and get past your ex, realize that whatever words were thrown around in your previous relationship don’t apply to you now. Your current actions are what count.

• Chances are, you aren’t even still in love with your ex. But the fact that you haven’t moved past the relationship mentally means you won’t be able to fully appreciate that great new person who is out there waiting for you. When you realize that the future is far more exciting than the past, you will be ready to eagerly meet whatever your dating life may bring.

• The longer you stay fixated on what happened before, the more you delay being happy now.