Gail Saltz on Fear of Commitment
In her blog at iVillage.com, Gail Saltz, M.D., comments on the fear of commitment and offers advice to those who may be handling this issue in their relationships.
Dr. Saltz, a regular contributor on the Today show on topics including mental health, sex, and relationships, is sympathetic to both sides of a relationship in which fear of commitment is an issue, saying, “Being involved with someone afraid of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition, being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either; life is pretty lonely.” She explains that this fear can be deeply-rooted in a childhood trauma, like the loss of a parent to divorce or death, and stems from a fear of rejection.
How do you know whether you’re involved with a commitment-phobe? Dr. Saltz lists six typical behaviors at the start of a relationship, including having unrealistic ideals of a perfect partner and going through multiple cycles of break-up and reconciliation. In assessing whether a relationship is worth working through this fear, this psychiatrist is tentative: “Working out intimacy with someone afraid of it is no easy task. There could be a lot of heartache in store, with no certainty of a possible happy ending. It could be time to go looking for a more stable possibility and hope for satisfaction.”
I’m grateful that I have not had to deal with this issue, but that’s not to say that JG or I take commitment lightly. The pastor who took us through our marriage counseling had a saying: “It’s not about compatibility, it’s commitment.” He emphasized that as long as both of us were in it for the long haul, we could last, despite our inherent differences in character. I agree with Dr. Saltz’s cautionary mindset regarding a fear of commitment because I think it’s a part of a couple being on the same page about the future. On the other hand, I also think that being committed to the same person in a long-term way is a big enough deal to warrant some apprehension. Just last week, JG was telling me about the newest episode of House, where one of the doctors commented that those who fear commitment are those who truly understand it and its weight. So, maybe it doesn’t make sense not to be afraid, at least a little bit.
February 20th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Love this piece. Very thoughtful and articulate. I think fear in any new situation is an intrinsic part of life. It keeps us aware and alert, it protects us, but in a healthy way (if it doesn’t get too out of hand). Once we touch fire once, we are more wary of it’s presence…it can still be a part of our lives, but we must learn from it, how it can hurt us, how it can help us, etc.
My best wishes to you, always.
-Liane Schmidt
http://www.artistspassion.com
p.s. FYI: There was a typo: “a a fear of”
February 20th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Liane - Fire is such a good analogy here. Thanks for that image and also for the typo catch!