Long Relationships

At first glance, JG and I are very similar. Well, maybe not at first glance - the 15-inch height difference is a big divider. During someone’s first conversation with us, we appear to be very similar. We’re both systematic, pragmatic, objective-oriented people who like to be early and prepared and these shared characteristics usually come out fairly quickly.

In the second or third conversation, that person might find out that when it comes to outside interests, JG and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Put simply, he’s a big sports guy and I’m a lover of the arts. We struggle with finding ways to spend leisure time together in a way that’s enjoyable for both parties. I don’t enjoy the prospect of dragging JG to the theater and I doubt he would like me cringing my way through a game at a sports bar. We both want the other to have fun, but we want to have fun, too. What to do?

Here are several strategies we’ve used to combine dissimilar interests and still manage to live with each other.

Learn about the other’s interest so as to become an active participant
Before I met JG, all I knew about football was what I had gleaned from beer commercials. My mental picture consisted of overweight, painted-up guys ogling at blonde cheerleaders and roaring at the players, who, by the way, reminded me of bison rumbling across the plain. In college, though, JG and I spent a lot of time going to our team’s games and I knew that if I was going to spend that Saturday night with him, I should probably pick up what was going on. My education began when I misidentified the wide receiver as “the one who throws.” Now, I can just about keep up - with the help of the commentator, the crowd, and the scoreboard - and watching a football game is a fun time together. Ultimately, because football was something JG enjoyed, I wanted to make it something I could enjoy, too.

A willingness to learn something foreign is a sign that one is willing to go outside a comfort zone and make time together more fun. Also, rather than having to tolerate ignorance disdain, it’s rather flattering to position a significant other in a place of expertise.

Demonstrate your appreciation when sacrifices are made
Earlier this year, JG and I spent a long weekend in Philadelphia and we spent a whole day doing things that I would love. We grabbed cheesesteaks for lunch, walked through the art museum, went to a nicer restaurant for dinner, and then saw the orchestra perform some of my favorites. I knew that JG would not be in his element, so I tried to give him some context behind the art and music, but when he reached his saturation point, I stopped. I consciously made it a point to thank JG for everything we did that day, numerous times, and tell him how much fun I was having. It was absolutely clear to me that, even though he was doing well enough throughout the day, he would much rather be somewhere else, doing something else. But since he chose to spend the time with me in the way that I would most enjoy, the least I could do was to show my appreciation for that effort.

Making the sacrifice to spend time with a partner, even if it’s not something completely enjoyable, can be mean being slightly or very uncomfortable. Be gracious in recognizing the gesture and quick to repay it.

Accept that you may need to take part in activities without your significant other
When JG and I were first married, we tried to do a lot of things together, as if the hours we clocked in each other’s presence counted for something. It’s completely unrealistic to think that couples will be able to do everything that each parter would like and still be able to tolerate each other, so I suggest finding “extra-curricular” buddies. For example, I have a shopping buddy. If I know that I’m headed for a marathon shopping session, it makes no sense to bring along JG, who only feels exhausted the second he steps foot in a mall and is no help when it comes to discerning which blazer will be the most versatile. In the same vein, if JG wants to go play volleyball, he calls up some guy friends instead of asking me because he knows that I would rather be eating the same than running around on it. There are no hard feelings because this type of natural selection is a realistic reflection of how we each like to spend our time and we respect that.

Reaching out to other friends for company allows time apart and an opportunity to foster outside relationships that will make coming back together seem even better. It’s a way to acknowledge individual differences and cultivate reasonable expectations for spending time together.

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couples, interests, compromise

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