Long Relationships

There is a reason they say ‘Hell hath no fury’…

In case, for whatever reason, you can’t watch the video, this is a news clip talking about a video on YouTube. A woman has YouTubed a phone call from her to her husband’s secretary talking about his sex aids and what do to with them (throw them away? Keep them?).

Obviously, this woman’s soon to be ex-husband isn’t going to be happy when he finds out that everyone who has watched this video on YouTube knows he uses viagara. (If she’s telling the truth.)

I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t see myself ever doing something like that even to someone I really, truly hate. Some things just don’t need to be out there in public, in my opinion. Especially in this day an age when people run to their lawyers whenever possible.

This woman is taking her divorce to a whole new nasty level by putting these videos up on YouTube.

My question to you is what do you think of this? Are you thinking ‘nicely done!’ or are you wondering what kind of woman wants to risk possible court charges (if she’s lying about her husband’s sex aids) and air dirty laundry on the internet?

What about other sites where you can register your ex as a jerk, a player, a cheater, or whatever else? Is that just the same as blogging or do those sites and other behavior like this video take things too far and makes things that should be private into public territory?

What do you think?

Perhaps you met online. Got married ‘quickly’. Perhaps you both have different religious beliefs. Maybe you’re one half of an interracial relationship. Or maybe, your ages are just a little too far apart for people not to talk about you.

No matter what it is, big or small, you’re likely to face someone saying something about your relationship. People tend to judge, especially if someone is going against what they feel is ‘proper and right’. The key to a long relationship is not only not letting these judgments get to you but also talking about how they make you feel.

The thing about people judging you is that if you get told something often enough, you start to believe it. It’s happened to many people, including myself. If you have someone in your life continuously telling you your partner’s beliefs are wrong or that you and your partner are just too different to each other and you don’t talk about how it makes you feel with your partner (and that person) then you’ll end up internalizing it, possibly putting your relationship in crisis.

This isn’t to say everyone who has something negative to say about your relationship has no idea what they are talking about, but there is a point at which comments of concerns turn into being hurtful and not at all constructive.

By talking to the person or people who is/are making the comments, you’re being honest about how you feel as well as establishing boundaries. No one has the right to make you feel bad and this life shouldn’t be wasted on people who are negative influences.

Talking about it with your partner can not only help you maintain a level of openness and honest with your partner, but perhaps your partner has heard those comments as well. Not talking about the things that bother you can drive a wedge between you and your partner. Why not share the burden and talk about possible solutions?

The bottom is there are a lot of people out there who like to go on about negative things and not even your relationship is sacred. The sooner you address those people and those issues, the faster you can move on with your lives. Use this as a way to strengthen your relationship, not chip away at it.

Don’t you just love it when you end up having to take your own advice? That’s not exactly what I had to do tonight, but I did get the chance to see if I was taking my own advice when conflict happened in my own life.

As I said in a previous post, arguing is never fun. It’s a healthy thing that happens in relationships, but it’s more a necessary evil than anything. An evil I experienced while walking home with my husband.

When we got home, I sat down to write a post about arguing and remembered that I already had. I opened the saved word document and read through what advice I had given. Though I wasn’t happy to have to apply the advice, I was definitely pleased to see I could take my own advice.

My husband and I never yell at each other. Voices occasionally increase a little in volume, but that is much different from yelling.

We didn’t interrupt each other.

I made a conscious effort to make ‘I’ statements and my husband didn’t make any ‘you’ statements.

Last but not least, I can’t tell you what my husband was thinking about, but I can tell you in all honesty that – while I cooked dinner and he worked on his computer – I reminded myself tonight was not the end of the world and certainly not the end of our relationship. It may seem silly, but telling myself that did a lot to calm me down.

So now you all know that I don’t just spout advice, I take it as well.

When you are having an argument, your goal should never be to win; your goal should be to be heard. – Dr. Phil

Why, thank you Dr. Phil. I couldn’t agree with you more.

When I first heard Dr. Phil say that (yes, occasionally I like to indulge in daytime television) I thought it was a perfect quote for this site.

When it comes to relationships, one of the hardest things to deal with can be arguments. Things are said that weren’t meant. Stinging comments are remembered. Emotional scarring happens easily and forgiveness happens only with a lot of work.

But as any relationship guru, therapist, or experienced partner will tell you, arguing is normal. If it never happens, you have to worry.

Even so, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument.

While it’s not always easy, try to keep these things in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner.

1. Don’t yell. Yelling is just one more thing that is going to make all parties involved feel threatened and upset. Don’t yell. Especially if there are children in the house.
2. Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and will most often just make things a lot worse.
3. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements just make the other person feel attacked and accused.
4. Remember that this is not the end of the world. Remembering this will help take some of the steam out of your anger. Yes, you’re mad now, but you won’t be mad forever. You can work this out.

Last night I woke up in the early hours. Rather, my husband woke me up because I had been making noise while trying to get out of a horrible, horrible nightmare.

I won’t get into the details of the nightmare because it still has the power to upset me even in the daylight. Just trust me when I said it caused true blind terror and had me sobbing.

My husband woke me up and I immediately began sobbing, clinging to him and looking around the bedroom to reassure myself that I had indeed got out of the nightmare. My husband comforted me and slowly got me to calm down, which was a huge feat if I do say so.

What does this have to do with long relationships?

It’s in moments like these that I truly realize how much I love my husband. I love him in part because I know I can be weak in front of him, and he won’t hold it against me. I can cry and cling to him while I calm down and he’ll run his fingers through my hair, whispering loving words.

I can have him walk me to the bathroom in the middle of the night and not feel like an idiot the next day.

Today has been a day of concern and caring from my husband. We have discussed possible meanings and reasons for the nightmare (long story) and I’m feeling calm along with completely in love with him.

That, I believe, is a sign of an excellent long relationship.

As Valentines Day draws closer, I can’t help but think of the couples who must spend the lovely day apart. Some are separated by a few hours and some are separated by whole countries.

Some get separated for a few days and some for a few months.
Be it the Army or work, there are a lot of things that can mean time away from each other for couples.

Time separated can be a breath of fresh air sometimes, but separations that happen often and/or for long lengths of time can put a lot of stress on a couple.

Last year my husband and I put in my spousal visa and we didn’t know if I would be forced to leave the country while the application was being processed (due to timing) or if I would be able to stay while things were being sorted out.

The prospect of being separated for an unknown amount of time scared me so much and sent me into tears many nights.

Thankfully, I got to stay in the country and everything worked out. Unfortunately, things don’t work so well for other couples.

Always remember that there are things you can do to stay close to your partner even when s/he is not physically with you:

1. Email!
2. Postal letters
3. Phone calls (and phone sex)
4. If the above things aren’t possible, for every day your loved one is away, write a love letter. That way, when s/he comes home, s/he has a whole pile of love letters to read.

I’ve already talked about chronic illness and how it affects long term relationships. However, I didn’t get into it very deeply, which I would like to do today.

Being with a partner who has a chronic illness can be stressful on both partners no matter what the illness is. Depending on the severity, it can be an occasional reminder or a daily struggle.

Now comes the statement that might get me in a little trouble with some people, but keep reading:

It’s okay to be mad at your spouse because s/he is ill.

Being mad at someone who gets attention, support, care, love, etc – especially when that all comes from you as well as others – is normal. We all want some love and attention sometimes. Having someone around who requires more than other people can be frustrating.

It doesn’t make your partner any less of a person for needing more and it doesn’t make you any less of a person for feeling frustrated.

Don’t suppress your feelings because they’ll just come out in a rush later exactly when you don’t want them to. Once you start accepting how you feel about things, you can take the steps needed to help you deal with those feelings.

If you are with someone with chronic illness, remember to take some time to yourself. This will help your long relationship continue on even longer. Indulge in your favourite food or activity when you can and appreciate yourself as a human being. Talk to friends about how you are feeling.

I can almost guarantee there is a support group either online or in your community for people who are friends/family/partners of people with chronic illness. Allow yourself to let go and talk about how you are feeling with people who know what you are going through.

Your long relationship will benefit from it.

I’d like to talk a bit more about couples during illness.

My husband took care of me during a time of temporary illness. However, there are a lot of couples out there who face chronic illness in one or both partners every day, and I don’t think I need to say that’s hard.

My step-grandfather supported my grandmother through many years of cancer and chemotherapy. Even though my grandmother often got cranky, demanded much of the entire family, and often caused stress, my grandfather’s love for her never wavered. At least not in front of any of us on the outside.

When my grandmother got ill or depressed, my grandfather would play her favourite songs on the piano. He also wrote music for her. His art was music, and he used it to convey his feelings for her.

Watching them, I knew what kind of relationship I wanted to be in. Though she was often ill over the years and times were often stressful, he still found ways to support her and show her his love. She came to rely on him for peace of mind and love. I wanted that kind of relationship; one in which my partner and I could express our love to each other in the way that worked best for us, even during the darkest time.

I admire couples who survive and grow deeper in love while chronic illness is influencing their lives. Such events can bring out the worst in people and make them uncomfortable.

However, in watching my grandparents and their love during tough times, I learned that such times can also bring out the best in people.