Long Relationships

Throughout our relationship, I have always – for a reason I’m not quite yet sure of – worn a sort of invisible badge of pride for every remark made about how I’m not the ‘stereotypical’ wife. Now, I don’t think any woman out there is the stereotypical wife. They are either much nicer or much worse, in my experience. Even so, I was always proud to be on the side of ‘nicer’.

One of the stereotypical wife’s faults is expecting her husband to know what she’s thinking without her telling him. Granted, there should be some things a man can just guess after a given amount of time, but mind reading all the time is too much to ask.

I was always proud that I didn’t expect Mr. JM to read my mind. We talked about things – really talked – and worked them out. I always caught myself when I started getting upset with him for something we hadn’t actually talked about.

Of course, recently life decided to remind me that I’m not the super-wife of pure awesomeness that I thought I was.

Like many things, mind-reading can come in different shapes and forms. This past week, I am terrible when it comes to expecting Mr. JM to do mind-reading of a different sort: reading my moods.

Poor Mr. JM has been batted around like a tennis ball for about a week now as I have been getting increasingly cranky and tired with the pressure of everything I have been trying to get done for work. Admittedly, I have been going over the top and letting every little stress get to me.

And I’ve just been expecting Mr. JM to know.

Ugh. Minus one from my awesome wife points.

Now that I’ve noticed the behavior, I’m trying to fix it. But I hate it when the world knocks me on my behind just when I get to feeling pretty awesome about myself.

If you think the involvement government has in marriages already is annoying, try marrying someone from a different country.

At the end of May in 2007, I broke down in tears one night because I was so afraid that the Australian government would force Mr. JM and me apart for whatever amount of time until we got all the appropriate visas figured out. We were married, so it didn’t seem right that anyone or anything should have the power to separate us.

As it turned out, we had turned everything in on time so no separation time was required. I was given my temporary visa and that was that as the stress lifted away from us.

This past May, my two years on my temporary visa was up and I filled out the paperwork for the judgment on my permanent residency visa. I got all the paperwork done weeks ahead of the June 21st deadline, but I am still waiting on the official yay or nay (and directions on when I can get my passport fitted with the new visa sticker).

While I am more than confident I’ll be granted permanent residency, I can’t help but feel that little niggle in my belly about it. There is something about a person or people who you don’t even know having such control over my life that makes me feel a bit ill, to be honest.

I’ll be happy when it’s all done.

Have you ever had to separate from your partner (for whatever amount of time) for reasons out of your control?

I was responding to comments the other night and came across Little Miss Fatty’s Pants weight loss blog. While she is struggling a little bit with things right now, she has taken that all-important step of deciding to make her life a better, longer, healthier one.

I was looking through her past posts, and there was one that contained a letter to her boyfriend.

While her letter was a short one, it conveyed the love she has for her boyfriend and the appreciation she has for him looking out for her.

Well, that inspired me to write a thank-you to my husband…

Dear Mr. JM,

Me

By Mr. JM

There’s an old joke about how to confuse an Irishman. You put him in a igloo and tell him to piss in the corner. (Aussies tell jokes about everyone so don’t bother getting upset about racist jokes or whatever PC kick you have – we tell jokes about Politically Correct people as well.)

How to confuse JM. Start with an idea for a holiday that involves a re-visit to a place she fell in love with and where she began to find out who lives inside her skin. Let her run with the idea then suggest it can be other places, like somewhere (Tasmania) she hasn’t yet been.

Next day, from work, forward an email from www.bestflights.com that has a range of packages out into the Pacific Ocean that are around the same amount of money we’ve been talking about, such as Norfolk Island.

Then suggest possibly a package within Australia, one where the continent is reachable and we can see things like Kakadu National Park. We could fly somewhere & then explore around – she’s always wanted to go see Perth.

Then, over drinks in the local pub, talk about how we could get a camper-van or Winnebago and go touring around – with the leave I have built up, we could go for three weeks & see the red centre (Alice Springs, come down through the Nullabor and past Lake Eyre, then across to Perth and maybe up to Monkey Mia to pat dolphins).

Of course, (in casual off-hand manner) we could try maybe doing one of the resort island holidays up in Queensland, like Hayman or Hamilton Islands, where we could laze around for a week or so, rolling out of bed to a perfect blue-sky day, having breakfast in the pool (seriously, they have stools and a bar in the middle), snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, and more.

What is a girl to do? (I will leave that for her to tell you…)

By Mr. JM

Tonight I watched poor JM go through sheer hell. And it was SOOO much fun.

It probably isn’t what you think – we’ve been casually talking about some travel. Life has thrown us a couple of curve balls and we’ve been contemplating some changes – new job for me, re-locating to another state etc. Unlike in the US, another State isn’t just an hour or so away – where the current jobs of interest are is the Gold Coast – almost 2000kms from here.

A couple of days back I mentioned that we could return to New Zealand (they pronounce it Nu Zilland) and spend some time touring around. We visited there when JM was here on a tourist visa so we could extend the time she could stay in Australia, but we didn’t stay long.

New Zealand is a beautiful country, lush green land alternating with dramatic mountains ranges. Peaceful farm scenes beside fumaroles and geysers, and caves with tiny worms that look, after your eyes have adjusted to the dark of a cave, like constellations of stars on the ceiling.

But we are looking at a bit of a holiday a few months off in the future, trying to take advantage of the off season.

Another possibility was a visit to Tasmania, a large island just south of here, lovely place, nice people, (if a little inbred – us mainlanders like to poke a little bit of hillbilly humour at them) with a ferry ride across Bass Strait with our car etc.

So why would this be sheer hell?

It has to do with choices, with the variety being offered to someone who has had few times in her life when she could make a decision involving pleasure. It has to do with a steadily increasing level of expectation of anticipated pleasure. It has to do with me being pleasantly cruel.

Infidelity and Other Ways of Cheating
By Joel D. Block, Ph.D.,
Co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Sexual infidelity is the headline grabber when most people think about betrayals in love relationships. But there are everyday breaches of trust that slide under the radar and can erode even the strongest of relationships. A small lie about a purchase, a slight exaggeration about a job promotion, a cover-up about a forgotten birthday. Each takes a bite out of trust and is a form of cheating. Most of us are disappointed by a love partner as a result of an everyday event far more often than we are made angry or jealous by a serious and dramatic betrayal.

Deceptive Deceptions

For example, Jeff maintains his friendship with Glen, an old army buddy, in utter secrecy. His wife, Dorothy, has always disliked Glen and has asked Jeff not to see him. Jeff has agreed but is undeterred. “I find a way” he says. “All Dorothy knows is that I’m working late, running an errand or something. We go for a drink, hang out together, that sort of thing. If I told Dorothy, she would raise the roof, so why aggravate her?”

What else does Jeff hide to avoid confrontation with Dorothy? And what if Dorothy were to discover Jeff’s deception? Kevin and Janice, who have lived together for the past few years, are on the verge of splitting because Janice contends that Kevin “never lives up to his word.” Here’s what Janice had to say about some troubling events

“I can’t believe anything he tells me anymore. I ask him if he’s taken care of the rent for this month and he assures me that he has. The next thing I know, the landlord is calling me and asking me about the rent. Or I ask him to do me a favor. He agrees and then doesn’t come through.”

Kevin’s choice of conveniently “yessing” Janice serves to help him avoid confrontation at the expense of his credibility. Janice justifiably feels cheated as a result of Kevin’s lies.

The Many Faces of Cheating

And what about the love partner who smokes? It’s not only about second-hand smoke being a health hazard. One day the smoker is going to get sick. The non-smoking partner will be severely impacted both emotionally and practically. Is the smoker cheating? When we make a love commitment we become a team, and implicitly, it is also a vow to continue to grow and evolve as individuals. What about the love partner who is not becoming all he or she can?

Is the love partner who is letting his or her appearance deteriorate cheating? What about the partner who is critical, rather than supportive, in hard and not so hard times? And the partner who is slacking in his or her career? Or the partner who doesn’t comply with medical prescriptions and health-care suggestions? All of these breaches will impact the relationship. It’s not just about an individual letting him or herself down; in a love relationship it’s also cheating the partner.

Subtle Cheating

Trust is the bedrock of any love relationship. It is the bloodline of romantic passion. “Subtle cheating” is like psychological termites. Each small bite may go unnoticed, but eventually the foundation will weaken. Addressing these forms of cheating is win-win. It betters each individual and contributes to relationships being more open, uninhibited and passionate.

©2009 Joel Block, Ph.D., co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Author Bio
Joel Block, Ph.D., co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is an award-winning psychologist, practicing couple and sex therapy in New York and offering couple-relationship seminars throughout the United States. Dr. Block has appeared on the Today show, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning. He lives in New York.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

Visit Joel Block, Ph.D. at www.drblock.com

With most couples, it is fairly easy to be separate in your work lives because you are literally separate – different jobs. However, interesting times do come up when you marry a coworker, your spouse comes to work where you work and/or, like in my case, you volunteer where your spouse works.

My husband works at the head office of a large company. Pretty much everyone at the head office (and quite a few people in the regional locations) know who I am and have met me personally. And have also eaten something I’ve baked. (I love baking cookies.)

I come in every now and then to help various people with tasks that are within their abilities but not within their budgeted time.

At one point, I did apply for a job there, but I didn’t get it.

If there are any rules I have learned about work etiquette, they are:

1. Keep kisses to a minimum. Even a kiss on the cheek around the wrong person can be the beginning of rumors, complaints or worse.

2. Keep pet names to a minimum. The least that will happen (especially if your SO is a guy) is that your love will be made fun of for many weeks to come.

3. Keep your hands to yourself. A shoulder pat is fine, but if that is going to tempt you to do more, just keep your hands to yourself. Even in an easy going work environment, things can always be taken the wrong way.

4. Give each other space. This is an important feature of any relationship, but it is especially important in a work environment. In the end, you’re both there to work.

Are there any more work relationship etiquette rules you’ve learned?

While times have been good in the M household, things have also been a little tough. But one of the things that I love the most about my husband is that I know, no matter anything-in-the-universe what, he is there for me when I need him.

My health has been very frustrating to me lately. It’s nothing life-threatening, but it’s on that seemingly massive to-solve list before we can get with the baby-making. Thankfully, Mother’s Day was a non-issue for me as far as emotions go, but it is always frustrating to be told, “You can’t.”

A lot of times, I ignore what I’m feeling in order to get my work done. I don’t have time to be sorting out feelings when I’m behind in this, need to take care of that, so on and so forth. That, of course, isn’t healthy, and I often end up working until the pressure bursts.

But that’s when my husband is there. He wipes away my tears, tells me not to get snot on his clothes, and helps me do the things I need to do to get by. Sometimes he has solutions, sometimes he doesn’t – but that’s not what matters. The most important thing is that he’s there and cares.

I know, I know. You’ve all well and truly learned all this in your relationships. It’s not exactly a new lesson. I just can’t help but talk about it.

Last night, as I tried to stop myself from crying and Mr. JM rocked me, whispering that it’s not my fault things are happening the way they are, I felt loved in a way I’ve never felt loved before. A way I never thought I could feel loved before Mr. JM came along.

So I guess I’m just having one of those gushy moments.

I believe there are two levels of knowing things.

You can know things on the surface. Someone tells you something that you take for truth, you read certain facts or statistics, etc…

You can also know things, truly know them, and the only way to know things on that level is to experience them for yourself.

So while I am probably going to list some things that I knew already, I now know them on that deeper level having experienced them for myself.

1. Like everything, there is an ebb and flow to happy times in marriage. Fighting or even growling is actually healthy in a marriage. They are reminders of where we stand, what we need to work on and sometimes just reminders that we need a bit of personal space every now and then.

2. Bad times do end. I hate the bad times. I truly, truly do, but I know there is a reason for them. One of the hardest things I have to keep reminding myself is that the bad times do end. Sometimes you bear a scar, sometimes you don’t, but they do come to an end.

3. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. It’s nice to think of you and your spouse as one unit, working together and such, but you have to remember you are two human beings. You will not be alike in every single thing. And sometimes there is nothing you can do – you have to let your spouse work things out.

Short and sweet, bur that’s the way it should be at this point. I am so happy my husband and I are still going strong.

By Mr. JM

The weather is fine, sun shining and light fluffy clouds scut across the blue; the road is smooth, the scenery is lovely and forever changing, and traffic is light. You’ve got some good music on or your window is down so you can hear the bell birds and magpies caroling along the side of the road. Occasional sightings of kangaroos or other fauna enliven your experience.

Beside you is the person you love, the one with whom you are sharing this existence in a world that can blink from terror to beauty faster than you can draw breath. As one you share the experience of finding a new path through the countryside, looking from shared perspective at a land as old as time, as new as Now and the twining of your souls is strengthened by the travel.

It’s not about the destination – you may not even have one. It isn’t that everything is rosy and there are no problems in life, it is being able to set them down, to join with the one who is the most important focus of your existence and to share an experience together that can never be repeated, that can never be the same even if you do it precisely the same way again.

Conversation can be sporadic, thoughts seem to reach out and entwine each with the other. A tiny intake of breath causes the other to say ‘yes, it’s beautiful’ and you KNOW they have shared your appreciation of the view, of the new-born colt or even just the freshness of the air.

How could anyone NOT want to share travel with a loved one?

By Mr. JM

Travelling together can be a trying time – sometimes disagreements come, sometimes one or the other wishes to go a different way or just wants quiet times while the other wants to talk.

But when you’re sharing the front seat, when the scenery is blurring by out the sides, there isn’t anywhere to go. You can sit in silence, watching out the window, seeing but not really noticing as the world rushes by while barely registering on the optics.

A nice side benefit of travelling is that, no matter how detached, preoccupied, internally focused you may be inside the shell you have entered, sooner or later, as Reality rushes around your immobile world, something reaches in, an event or a sight or maybe even a smell, pushing gently past your absorption, nudging aside your preoccupation and bringing you back to awareness.

Once the shell is pierced, it is not a large step to reach out, physically or verbally to let your partner know you are back with them, that the insult wasn’t mortal, that you didn’t intend or even want the barrier to go up. They’re there, right there beside you, not easily ignored nor pushed away.

If you weren’t travelling at the time, it is much simpler to disassociate, to remove yourself from contact and perhaps to create a breach that is not easily healed. With the travel, it is much more about the two of you together, finding new things, sharing new sights, being able to be in the other’s company. The enforced closeness can cause interruptions but the sharing also brings resolution.

And that’s in the BAD times.

Last week I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a guest post about taking holidays together. He wrote me five. I decided to put them up this week.

Sometimes we travel not so much to be heading, but more to be leaving, somewhere. It may be our lives have been circumscribed by the humdrum, that our work has throttled our free nature or those around have become just to familiar.

A good way to deal with any of these is being able to get out and about, to jump on a train or get in your car, and head for places unknown. In such times, who needs (or even wants) a specific destination? Part of the adventure is just pointing the nose in a direction and seeing what comes.

Again, such a trip can be much better if it is being shared with someone who feels a similar need to breech the boundaries we find surrounding us in our daily lives. To be able to turn to someone and say ‘look at that’ and have them know just what it is about ‘that’ which caused your exclamation is to bond with that person in a way that can only come from shared experiences.

Going off on such a journey all alone can be a good time, but when one comes home and re-unites with the partner, there is a distance between what was experienced and what can be shared of it. That gap may or may not contribute to a personal distance between partners, but it certainly doesn’t promote closer togetherness.

So Split Enz had a good line, I think, in the ‘If you leave me, can I come too’ thought – they meant it a little differently but I think it is a very appropriate line for the idea of travelling with your partner.

Last week I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a guest post about taking holidays together. He wrote me four. I decided to put them up this week.

Years back there was a song by Split Enz that went – ‘If you leave me, can I come too?’ It was amusing in content & a bit of a boppy tune, but then that was the Enz for you. But it brings up an interesting question – is it good to go places together and if so, why is it good.

Firstly, let’s assume your partner is not a total rev head who likes to race jets and will settles for anything else on the road when they aren’t near, so your travel with them is not so much the white knuckle, edge of life experience and is more a pleasant cruise with someone who knows how to stay out of the path of 22-wheelers.

Travelling with someone can be excruciating. You’re stuck in a confined space, sharing air and other gasses, so you’d better be sure this is someone with whom you want to be for a time. It can be dangerous hitchhiking once it all gets too much to bear.

It’s also a good idea to be reasonably confident you can listen to the same music for extended periods without thinking there’s fingernails on a blackboard in the cabin. If music tastes are different then maybe find an audio book or agree on a roster of music – talk radio can be a godsend but be aware that in about an hour you will be out of range of the normal FM stations you may like. Country radio can be an education – I’ve listened the miles away to people discussing the disposal of waste from dairies or talking about the impact of the Federal decision to de-regulate water controls.

Have you travelled much? Did you try it with your partner? Would you?

Today I am on the road with Mr. JM. My wonderful friend Jenera of Just Me and Jenera Healy Photography has been kind enough to take over for the day. I couldn’t be leaving my blog in more trusted hands…

Every marriage can be a rollercoaster. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When we get married we vow to be there for each other in sickness and health. But what if that sickness is mental illness?

There are some dimensions to mental illness. A wide spectrum of signs, symptoms, diseases, and disorders. Some severe, some mild. But in every case, it affects both people in a marriage.

In a perfect world, no one would suffer from mental health issues. We would all be happy, healthy, and well adjusted individuals. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I have lived with panic attacks, anxiety, anger issues, depression, and other problems of this nature since I was a teenager. Some of my problems are genetic and some I believe are a result of my life and situations I have faced. My mental health problems have affected all my relationships to certain degrees.

When I met my husband, I was up front about the fact that I was just a bit crazy. I admitted to cutting, drinking a bit too much, anger, depression, and a host of other issues. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into. The reason I fell in love with him was because he accepted me and all that came with me. It has been rough at times but he has stuck by me.

If you are in a marriage with someone who is living with mental illness of any type, it is important to support them. To care for them in the rough times. Here are a few things that may help you.

Do not judge. Often times, the mental struggles are not something that can be controlled. Sure, maybe with medication and other therapy options, it can be lived with. But more often than not, chemical imbalances are to blame.

Listen. Sometimes an open mind, ear and shoulder are that is needed to make it through a rough patch. There will be times where nothing you can say will help. Not saying a word, just listening, can be more beneficial than advice.

Love them. For me, my husband’s love and support has been something to keep me on an even keel. Knowing that I can turn to him no matter what, makes it easier to deal with things.

Try not to be scared. There may be times when your partner’s behavior may frighten you. When I get angry, despondent, or downright mean, I know that it can cause my husband to be concerned. As long as there is no violence, just stand back and keep an eye.

Try not to push. Sometimes something may be held back. Your spouse may not share everything. Try not to push. It will come out when they are ready. My husband and I were married for over 3 years before I finally opened up to him about my ‘crazy time’. It was a time period that I never really talked about other than to say it was when I went a little crazy.

I opened up to him about the darkest days and nights, the cutting, the anger, the depression, the hatred for everyone. It was hard and it took awhile to get through it. But I was happy I did. If he had pushed me to share, it would not have been as healing.

There is no magic recipe for dealing with these situations. Loving your spouse, supporting them, and helping them is all you can do. Your partner needs to be able to turn to you, to open up the depths of their soul, and to heal. It can be tough. It will be tough. But in the end, you can grow closer to your partner in ways you never thought possible.

So that day happens, the one we all dream of, and our culture of sex and money preaches to us. You finally meet that one person who overwhelms you.

One of the biggest changes to our culture over the last two generations is that now we date. We used to meet our partner for life in Church, then bring them home to meet the family before we get intimate with them, sometimes even on our wedding night. I will never, ever ask my parents this question, but I will go to my deathbed believing my mom was a virgin when she married my dad.

But today things are different. We get to experiment first. We get to date, and if we get to know a person we might realize that this really isn’t the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, so we get to break up with them. And then we move on to the next person. Maybe after a period of time we come to the same conclusion. We even have a new subculture today of professional daters who never get to that point where they want to settle down, get married and have kids.

One of the questions about marriage that is being debated today is the notion of a soul mate. Ideally we are taught that the person who does light up our life to the point of deciding that we want to spend the rest of our lives with is someone so significant that our two souls come together as one, that our individual circles of wholeness come together to form a circle twice as big.

Are marriage and soul mates one and the same?

Thank you to Tim Kellis for stopping by here and giving us all some interesting things to think about. On my own behalf as well as on behalf of my readers, I wish you the best in your virtual tour.