Long Relationships

I sat on the couch with my laptop and Mr. JM sat not far away at his computer. I was getting more and more upset as time passed and began typing an email to one of my friends because I didn’t know what else to do.

I hadn’t been typing long before I realized that complaining to my friend might feel good, but it wouldn’t actually solve anything. So I closed the email without sending it, closed my laptop and then asked Mr. JM if we could talk.

Having a ‘talk’ with your partner is never easy. There is always the chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and making things worse. There is that urge in us to not hurt the other person, so we try to bury feelings and avoid problems rather than face the prospect of hurting or upsetting the other person (or ourselves).

But as I have learned time and time again, avoiding problems and burying feelings doesn’t make them go away. Not by a long shot.

So while it hurt and was incredibly emotionally draining, I am glad my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about our issues so we could start working on things.

Here are some tips on making talks a bit easier:

*Don’t start one when you’re angry. Doing that will almost guarantee you making things worse.

*Eliminate distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, and other distractions. They only give you an excuse to get out of things before they are solved.

*Don’t interrupt.

*Assure your partner that you are truly listening to what s/he is saying by saying things like “I understand that you are upset because…” and “I know what when I do this, you feel…”

*Remember, the point of a talk should never be to ‘win’, it should be to be heard.

Do you have any tips for making talks go smoothly?

Just like cuddle time is important in a relationship, so is personal time. Spending all day and every day with your SO is only going to lead to snarling and annoyance if it keeps going on.

Personal time is also important because you should know what makes you, personally, happy in terms of just you, not the relationship. It’s more than easy to get caught up in the wants and needs of your partner and/or the relationship. However, continually giving without taking some time for yourself will only lead to resentment (and worse).

So, to welcome in this dreary day in Oz, here are a few ideas of how to brighten your day and give yourself a bit of a treat (and some self-bonding):

*Meditate. Meditation is great for calming you down, getting you focused and centered, and helping you to concentrate.

*Go to the park. Being outside in the sunshine and nature is a great way to relax and ground yourself. Take a journal with you if you want to write and/or a camera to get some great nature shots.

*Go to the mall/shopping centre. If you’re someone who likes a little retail therapy to refocus, then there is nothing better than going out and having a bit of a shop.

*Go to the library. Almost guaranteed to be quiet, this could be just the place for you to get comfortable and get some reading done.

*Take an extended coffee break. Go to or find a nice local coffee shop and watch the world go by while sipping a yummy cup of coffee.

What do you do to take personal time?

Times are certainly changing, aren’t they? Or rather, they have already changed a lot in the past decades and are continuing to change. We’re thinking differently, acting differently, and doing things differently in regards to relationships.

No longer is there a gasp of horror about couples ‘living in sin’ before marriage. Couples are even taking holidates to give things a go before taking the marriage plunge. You would think most people would regard these as good things along the lines of freedom and ‘trying before buying’ lifestyles.

But are they a good thing?

I think to my own marriage and I know that for my husband and me, the event was not religious. We didn’t get married because we had the ‘living in sin’ thing hanging over us or because it was expected of us for any religious type reasons. We got married because one, the time was right (I made sure of that) and two, because it’s something we’d wanted to do for a long time.

Either way, I would have lived with him beforehand and gone travelling with him beforehand. And I don’t think those things negatively impacted our relationship whatsoever. Nor did it lessen how meaningful our marriage was when it took place. The meaning it had for us was determined by us.

But does it work that way for everyone?

What do you think? What is marriage for you? Does it hold all the religious and spiritual meanings for you or did you get married because ‘that’s just what people do’? Somewhere in between? If you’re married, did you live with your spouse beforehand?

Last week, Aud asked in love question five: “Do you think a man should pay on the first date and if he doesn’t, what would be your impression of him?”

Shannon commented that she would expect the guy to pay and that she’s a little ‘old fashioned’ in that way.

That got me thinking.

When did we, as women, start thinking – and even feeling guilty about it – that basic common courtesy from men in terms of opening a door and helping with bags is a bad thing? When did we become ‘old fashioned’ if we expected a guy to pay on the date?

When did chivalry and courtesy become such an issue between men and women?

Admittedly, men don’t have it easy. I know guys who have been snapped at by women who don’t even want a man helping them with their bags. It’s no wonder many of them have stopped even if it’s their natural urge to help someone.

In my opinion, if I need help and a man offers it, I’ll be grateful. Yes, I expect my husband to open the door for me if we’re walking into a building at the same time. Yes, I expect my husband to carry the heavier grocery bags and even open cans and jars when I can’t.

Is it wrong for me to expect that? I don’t think so. I think it would be wrong if I expected every single male, no matter what they are doing, to open the door or help me with something. But I don’t think it’s wrong to expect help or courtesy – from other men or women.

It’s a tough issue, that’s for sure. What’s chivalry? What’s courtesy? When does expectation go too far?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Control isn’t always the easiest thing to talk about because it varies from couple to couple. On one extreme you have Dominants and submissives. On the other end you have married couples who split all the bills 50/50, do what they want, and somehow still make it all work.

So when I talk about it, I’m talking about those in the middle. Those who need at least some control, which is a natural part of having a relationship.

Yesterday I talked about a friend who emailed me while she was feeling crappy about her current situation. I saw her lacking control over the elements of her life and could relate to how she was feeling. When people try to control things that are distinctly your territory (your career path, your clothes, your hair cut, your hobbies) conflict arises.

There is a lot of give and take in all relationship areas. One of those areas is control and you both need to find a balance that works for you.

When I came to Australia, one of the first things my husband did was help me set up my own private bank account. One he has absolutely no access to. Therein was my first taste of something completely within my control, and I never looked back. After that came my career choices, clothing choices, etc.

While we discussed some of these choices, never did he once try to control what I was doing. And why should he? Those are the areas of my life that are personal to me and should be my choices. As should what line of work he wants to do is.

It’s all about balance.

Do you feel you have control in your relationship? Are you happy with the amount of control you have (or don’t have)?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Recently, a friend emailed me while feeling very emotional about her current situation. I read her email and just about cried because I knew what she was going through. Not down to the exact elements of the situation but in the overall feelings, I could definitely relate.

When I was growing up, there wasn’t much I had control over. I suppose I could have tried to take control, but due to certain elements of my past, I did what I thought was expected of me. Be nice. Get good grades. Try to be an overachiever. Bring a good reputation to the family name. So on and so forth.

While there are those from my past who will disagree, I was primarily submissive. I wanted to just get things done that were expected of me and find what peace I could in life.

Having that little amount of control in my life was not good. It eventually affected all parts of my life, including mood. It got to the point of being so bad that big changes had to be made for me to survive and have the life I wanted. To have the control I needed.

While not having control of anything in life is appealing to the select few, most of us like to be part of a team in relationships. Give and take. I control my activities, you control yours, we work together to make them mesh nicely. It’s when someone tries to tip the balances of control that the problems happen…

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Brought to you by Short Sweet Love Poems

There is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But to have loved and lost means painful negative emotions such as hurt, disappointment, betrayal, depression, anger and the feeling of being abandoned may take root in our hearts. This is true especially when a relationship sours. On the other hand, if there is no love affair, we don’t have to put ourselves at risk with these deep unhappy feelings although life may just be more monotonous.

So for Love Q #4: Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

I absolutely agree with the statement that’s it’s better to have loved and lost, but I have a sort of optimistic reasoning for it, strangely enough.

As much as I admire the romantic qualities of going out with one person in school and eventually marrying them, I think that only works for a small part of the population. Many more of us change too much in a lifetime to stay with the person we date in school.

I mean, think about the person you went out with in school – would you date him/her now? Would you mesh? Are you at all the person you were in school?

Loving and losing, while it hurts, teaches us what works for us and what doesn’t. I was never one to let a relationship experience go to waste and took at least one lesson from each of the relationships I had. While it didn’t help me avoid the relationships to follow that didn’t work out, I did ‘move up’ in the dating guys world until I met my husband.

So while I don’t condemn first love, only love relationships, I think it’s healthy to get out there and learn about not only what you want in relationships but about who you are in relationships.

Be sure to stop by and see what Mae has to say.

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

As the time draws nearer for me to find out if I will be working at the same company my husband works for, my mind wanders to the subject of working with your significant other…

Ever since I announced my intention to apply for the job, I have received a lot of support. I volunteer there regularly, so many people know my work style already. However, I have had a few comments come my way about working with my husband.

We wouldn’t be working directly together on a daily basis at all. I would be in reception and he works in the information services and technologies section. (Otherwise known as ‘he works at the help desk’.) I might need to call on him from time to time to help me with something, but that’s about it.

Even so, we still have had comments, laughs, and head shaking at the though of a husband and wife working together – even in different sections on opposite sites of the building.

I personally believe that we would be just fine. We can put aside our personal squabbles to get things done when they need to be done. But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I can’t really know until it happens?

So I’m wondering:

Could you ever work with your significant other? If only in certain circumstances, what circumstances? Could you put yourself in a professional enough mindset to not let personal disputes effect working together? Do you think you would have an easy time but your partner wouldn’t? Vice versa?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Compared to many, I (now) have an excellent life. I’m a freelance writer and professional blogger. That means I spend a lot of time in the comfort of my own home working at an occupation I love. While I don’t make a lot doing it, by any means, I do have enough to pay the bills.

Plus, who can put a price on happiness?

Recently, a job opportunity came up. The wages will be good, it’s a receptionist position (which I have done in nearly all my past jobs), I already know people at the company… Basically, it’s a good opportunity for me if I choose to take it.

However, taking this job would mean taking a bit of a step back from the name and freelancing career I have been building up over the past year and a half. While I wouldn’t be giving up all my work – certainly not! – I still wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time and effort I’m putting in now.

But I have to face facts. The money is good and we could definitely use it. We are trying to save up for a baby and hopefully a new house. That’s not going to happen any time soon if things don’t change.

While I don’t consider my situation a sacrifice, really, seeing as I don’t have to do it whether I want to or not, I can’t help but wonder…

What have you sacrificed for your relationship? Have you done anything you didn’t want to do for the sake of any aspect of your relationship? How did it turn out? Do you regret the decision or are you glad you did it?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Growing up, I often heard the phrase, “You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.” There are different variations on exactly how it’s said, but basically, the bottom line came down to needing to love yourself before you can have a true loving relationship with someone else.

When I met my husband, that phrase haunted me. Neither of us had particularly great self-images and we were both surprised to have found such great love and caring in each other. Our relationship faced its trials and bumps along the way, but we grew ever stronger.

And yet I didn’t feel particularly loving towards myself. I didn’t hate myself by any means, but I wasn’t about to start spoiling myself either.

In fact, I can honestly say that it’s in large part to our not so great self-images that we were very careful about treating each other well and being sensitive to each other’s feelings. It helped us develop the strong relationship that we enjoy today.

But doesn’t that go against the saying? Shouldn’t we still be hanging out with the other singles, trying to develop some smidgen of self love?

I don’t think so. I think it depends on the people. If you want a relationship with some people, you do need to love yourself and be confident. With other people, there is room for a little insecurity.

What do you think? Is it necessary to love yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Or does loving yourself just make a good thing better?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I was recently invited to participate in a relationship meme and, well, I have a hard time resisting memes, tags, etc. So here is a love question from Being Pursued and my answer to it.

Welcome to Love Q #1. For this week, just imagine you are being pursued by someone but you are absolutely not interested in his or her advances. I have come across the different manners that people do to send out the message that they are not interested but lets hear it from you.

So, the question:

If you are being romantically pursued but you are not interested, what would you do to let the person know? For instance, would you be direct and blunt or would you drop hints?

This has actually happened to me more than once, believe it or not.

The first time, I did exactly the wrong thing: I went out with the guy even though I wasn’t really interested. I just couldn’t bear to make him feel bad by saying no and he was a good friend. I thought maybe something might happen. (What can you say? I was a lot younger.)

These days I’m definitely a bit more direct. I’m not as outrageous when I flirt so as to avoid these kind of awkward situations. The easiest way to get out of anything like that is to mention my husband or something related to him so I can eventually bring him up.

If I was single… Eh, I’d go the hints way first, but not for long. I’m too impatient to dance around the issue like that.

What about you? Are you a direct Doris or a bit of a shy hint-dropper?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I know I am posting this a little late, but I think you all will forgive me. (Right? I’m offering y’all chocolate…)

I couldn’t have asked for a better anniversary. I truly couldn’t. The entire day was absolutely wonderful and full of wonderful surprises.

We began the day by exchanging gifts before we got out of bed. Funnily enough, we both had each others presents tucked away in our bedside dressers. We then got out of bed and ready to go because we had a reservation…

I had no idea where we were going and my husband had a lot of fun taking me through the heart of Melbourne so I wouldn’t know where we were going.

It turns out my lovely husband made reservations at the place where we ate breakfast the morning after we were married: Café Sweethearts. We enjoyed a lovely breakfast and he surprised me yet again when they brought out a small cake for us to share.

We were going to go for a walk in the park, but the weather didn’t cooperate so we went home and relaxed for a while. After that it was off to the movies to see The Bucket List (which is good, by the way). After that, we went over to the pub to spend some time with friends and have a celebratory drink.

We topped the night off by going home, getting in our comfortable pajamas, and relaxing the rest of the night away.

I am definitely a happy, content wife.

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

There is a reason they say ‘Hell hath no fury’…

In case, for whatever reason, you can’t watch the video, this is a news clip talking about a video on YouTube. A woman has YouTubed a phone call from her to her husband’s secretary talking about his sex aids and what do to with them (throw them away? Keep them?).

Obviously, this woman’s soon to be ex-husband isn’t going to be happy when he finds out that everyone who has watched this video on YouTube knows he uses viagara. (If she’s telling the truth.)

I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t see myself ever doing something like that even to someone I really, truly hate. Some things just don’t need to be out there in public, in my opinion. Especially in this day an age when people run to their lawyers whenever possible.

This woman is taking her divorce to a whole new nasty level by putting these videos up on YouTube.

My question to you is what do you think of this? Are you thinking ‘nicely done!’ or are you wondering what kind of woman wants to risk possible court charges (if she’s lying about her husband’s sex aids) and air dirty laundry on the internet?

What about other sites where you can register your ex as a jerk, a player, a cheater, or whatever else? Is that just the same as blogging or do those sites and other behavior like this video take things too far and makes things that should be private into public territory?

What do you think?

My husband and I are both creative writers and both write a combination of poetry and novels. (I lean towards novels and he leans towards poetry.) We both joined an online forum for creative writing and noticed each other but didn’t talk much.

One night, we were both online and knew someone else from the site who introduced us to each other (via instant messenger). I guess you could say it was love at first chat session because we talked one way or another for almost every day for a year after we met.

I kept the relationship rather quiet because I didn’t have a supportive family when it came to internet relationships. My parents didn’t (and probably still don’t) know how to turn on a computer, much less use the internet. Because of that, they bought into every internet horror story they ever heard on the news despite the fact I a.) wasn’t twelve years old and b.) wasn’t meeting random people from MySpace in bars.

Eventually my brother calmed her down and explained to her that the internet was how a lot of people met and, taking the right precautions, it could be perfectly safe. And he’s right. More and more people are meeting online and starting relationships from there.

So I thought I would put up a poll (because I love polls even more than lists) to find out what the readers here have done and feel when it comes to online relationships. Feel free to add on your story and/or thoughts in the comments section!

PS. Tomorrow is Reader Appreciation Day! Be sure to stop by again and see what you have to do to get your chance to win not one, but TWO awesome prizes!

This is another one of those posts where I reveal just how newly married my husband and I are…

I feel like I have been running behind on pretty much everything this week, and I have been hurrying to not only try to catch up but also get ahead. Even with all the work thoughts swimming through my head, one thing has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks…

My first wedding anniversary.

This queen of giving presents and creating a good time for people has found herself intimidated a bit by the prospect of the first wedding anniversary. I also have the feeling my husband is as well, poor guy.

I would like to make the day (and night) very special and memorable, but I’m curious as to what other people have done for their anniversaries. What other people have done to celebrate the occasion.

So, this is a call out to everyone who has been married for more than a year (or celebrating wedding-like anniversaries yearly): What did you do on your first wedding anniversary? Did you exchange presents? Go on a holiday? Spend the day in bed?

Yes, I have ulterior motives in asking – I reckon the more ideas I have, the better the chances I have of giving my husband a day/night he will never forget. So if you’d like to help me with ideas that you haven’t done yourself, feel free to leave those in the comments as well!