Long Relationships

It’s a Fling Thing
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann,
Co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

No doubt hook-ups happen. And sometimes they can be okay, but you must have both eyes wide open prior to taking a bedside tumble. In other words, before you get jiggy with that hottie you just met, ask yourself the following questions to keep your sex-pectations in check.

1. Am I doing this for the right reasons? If your reason for a fling includes trying to wipe out the memory of an ex or perhaps trying to get a date to like you as something more well, chances are you should be keeping your clothes on. If you think that having a fling will help you forget a love gone wrong, remember that if you’re emotionally fragile, it may have the opposite effect (i.e. you’ll spend the whole time comparing this person to your ex and then later on likely crying over what once was — rebounds rarely erase “ex” sex memories).

And if you think that having sex with someone will make them like you if you’re on the fence keep this in mind . . . sometimes sex is just sex. It might mean something to you but be more of an athletic outlet to someone else. In other words, the ONLY way to say “yes” to this is if you truly think you’ll be okay if you never hear from the person again. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for emotional disaster after the physical pleasure is over.

2. Am I picking an appropriate flinger? In other words, deciding to “do it” with your best friend just because you’re both single and horny may not be the wisest choice. “Friends with benefits” can become dangerous territory . . . especially if you’ve been friends for a while. Here’s the thing, once you cross THAT line, your relationship will be different 12 hours later . . . guaranteed. So, make sure you’re prepared for the consequences of whatever happens with whomever things happen.

If this is a friendship you cannot afford to lose, then you might want to think twice (especially if there is any imbibing involved). Same thing goes for work colleagues. On the flip side, picking a total stranger at a bar may not be the best option either. What do you really know about this person? It’s important to keep personal boundaries in mind.

However, let’s say you meet someone you’re attracted to and you know that you two won’t be a long-term match but you can foresee some special times spent together over a season (i.e. summer romance perhaps), well . . . then as long as you go in knowing the parameters and you’re okay with the fact that this fling might prevent you from meeting Mr. or Miss Right since you’re “sort of” involved, then . . . the choice is yours.

3. Am I safe and protected? This is pretty much the MOST important fling thing. It’s fine to have spontaneous fun but not if the repercussions of that decision negatively impact your health or life forever. Be smart, use protection and never go home with anyone about whom you have ANY reservations. Listen to your instincts . . . they’re probably right.

4. Am I equipped to handle the situation if my emotions DO get involved? Here’s the thing . . . even with the best of intentions, hormones can get involved. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the love hormone, can trick you into thinking you’re suddenly crazy about someone after you’ve done the deed just because the hormone is released when you’re intimate.

Don’t try to make a relationship out of a no-win situation just because he or she is amazing in bed. The other attributes must be in place too. That said if your fling turns into more and you’re both on the same page about it . . . congratulations. Sometimes life hands you little surprises. But recognize that if it’s not a two-way street well . . . that is the risk you took the minute you decided to take things to another level.

If you have any reservations or think you might be crushed if your fling doesn’t turn into something else, better to say “no thank you” and look for something more lasting. Because remember, it’s your heart that you’re playing with and ultimately, the goal is happiness, not heartbreak. Fling wisely!

©2009 Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Author Bio
Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is a Broadway performer and highly credited dating/sex/relationship writer. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, Maxim, and more. She lives in New York City.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

I am probably opening a can of worms that I really shouldn’t be opening with this one, but I found this video and I think it’s quite fascinating.

This show is in India and features talk of proposed amendments to laws in India. However, it is no secret that societies not only in today’s world but also previous times have often struggled with what should be done with the sex industry.

The sex industry includes everything from sex toys to videos to actual prostitution, so for clarification sake, I’m talking only about the prostitution side of things. Also for clarification, I don’t want to get into a religious debate or anything. I’m not here to get into the religious aspects.

Should prostitution be legalized? Well… Maybe it should.

While I was listening to this video, I couldn’t help but agree with the first speaker – the teacher. We ‘sell’ our minds, our time, even our body parts (organ donation) and our blood. Sex is pretty much the only thing left for people to turn up their nose about selling.

Imagine if there could be a system to it all that wouldn’t trap women forever in a cycle of abuse. Imagine if it was legalized and health standards imposed on each and every brothel – and all the women (and men) within. It could make things a lot different for a lot of people.

Honestly, I think criminalizing the sex industry is just another way for humanity to try to control humanity. Take away religious and politically correct aspects and what you have left is a matter of who can tell you what to do with your body. If you think your body is a temple, then you don’t have to become a prostitute. If you think of sex as a fun way to pay the electricity bill, then you can have a casual or get full-time employment.

I don’t want this post to be seen as me being gung ho for legal prostitution. I haven’t dedicated the time or the research on all the involved issues to put my final opinion out there. These are just my initial impressions.

It is an interesting subject, though, and one that has come up even more recently for the United States as a proposed help for the national deficit. (Imagine legalizing but also taxing such things. That’s certainly one way to get out of debt…)

What do you think?

I found this quiz over at Jenera’s blog and, well, I just can’t resist a quiz (or meme or tag)…

Your result for The Intellectual Sexiness Test…

Hot Tamale

You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 66!

Take The Intellectual Sexiness Test at HelloQuizzy

When it comes to kinks – in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, whatever – I pretty much live by a simple saying: “My kink is okay, your kink is okay.” In other words, I don’t judge people for the things they do (if they’re not along the lines of murder and other crimes) and I hope people will not judge me for the weird/different things I do.

I’m not a particularly kinky person by nature. I feel that when it comes to things – both in and out of the bedroom – I’m a pretty standard, run of the mill person and so is my husband. We have our quirks, but that’s about it.

It wasn’t always that way, though.

When my husband and I met, he was well and truly in place with who he is. Me? I was in a pretty screwed up environment and I had no idea what was going to happen from day to day. I tried different things, hung out with different types of groups, tried different fashions, etc.

Even now I’m not quite firm on the woman I am and the woman I want to be, but I have definitely settled down into a groove of sorts as far as my habits and desires. There were times in the past, though, when my ways and my husband’s ways didn’t mesh and we had to work through things to find a level of understanding and acceptance.

Some people aren’t willing to change to accommodate their partners, however. They consider any move to change them a statement of prejudice against whatever it is you are attempting to change, even if it’s just a little bit.

Have you ever been with someone who was unwilling to change, even though the behavior was damaging the relationship?

Today we have a special guest post from my friend Jenera. She’ll be writing for Long Relationships this week.

We’ve all heard the stories about how your sex life changes during and after pregnancy. Some of it is true, some of it isn’t.

With my first pregnancy, our sex life never suffered. In fact, it was some of the best sex we’d had in our short marriage. I’m not sure why but it was. For us, I was lucky enough to have no complications that prohibited us from having sex right up until the last week. Some folks are not as lucky.

But how about after delivery? After the magical six week waiting period while your body heals?

I’m here to tell you that was a bit tougher. Of course there is the fear of something getting hurt or things not feeling quite right. I was scared. For me, that night after the go ahead from the doctor, I wanted to cry because I was so scared. It was quite literally like the first time.

The one thing that helped us was that we were both aware that things just might not happen. Taking it slow was essential. This is an important time in every relationship. Though sex should always be important, there is some pressure after the baby arrives.

The thought that I had just delivered a baby, a son, for this man that was being so kind and so gentle was almost more than I could bare. Sex changed for us after having our baby but in the best way possible. It was like another bond that made it even more special. Knowing that our love had created another little being and we had something to share forever, made that night even more special.

I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. It was a beautiful moment. Like our marriage had come full circle in a way. I was affected emotionally more than physically.

Sure, people will tell you that the physical aspects can be scary. My biggest piece of advice is be prepared for the flood of emotions you will feel towards your partner, yourself, and your life. It will change you.

Short Sweet Love Poems has thrown quite the interesting one at us this week in her Love Questions series, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Nowadays, having extra-marital affairs is not something uncommon. Many people get involved with a third party at some point in their relationship and they would try to hide the affair from their partner.

If you have cheated on your partner, would you confess? But if you are the one being cheated upon, would you prefer your partner to tell or not to tell?

Telling may hurt someone you care about, but if you cared that much about hurting that person’s feelings in the first place, you probably wouldn’t have cheated.

Okay, that’s a bit rough and I apologize. However, I believe that you should be honest even if you have ‘gotten away’ with it. The thing is that even if your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, it’s more than likely s/he suspects something is ‘off’. And it’s that feeling of ‘off’ that will bring you troubles later.

So, would you rather your partner hear it from you sooner? Or would you rather things reach critical mass sometime down the road and s/he possibly hears it from someone else? We very often accuse and condemn people for what we ourselves are guilty of, so do you really think you can control your subconscious so completely?

I would want my partner to tell me. Even facing the hurt and anguish of being cheated on is better than not knowing what it is that is ‘off’ and causing friction in the relationship.

What do you think?

Hello everyone, and welcome (back) to Long Relationships!

This week has been a very special one, as the ladies who wrote The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire (pictured on the left), Rachel Greene Baldino and Judy Ford, are taking over my blog this week! Every day this week, one or both of the ladies will be answering a question about their book and about enhancing sexual desire in your relationship.

Whether you’re new to a relationship or have been in one for twenty years, this book can help you put some spark into your sex life as well as help you to nurture the physical side of your relationship. If you would like the chance to win a copy, check out this post.

So, without further ado, I turn this blog over to the lovely ladies for the last day. I hope you’ve enjoyed their time here as much as I have.

On to the last question!

“How can you become a sexual team player?”

Rachel: Sexual teamwork is at the heart of this whole book. And as Judy always says, the three key components of sexual teamwork are Touch, Talk and Time.

That is, couples have got to find creative ways of making time for their sexual relationship (and their relationship as a whole), and they have got to talk openly about sex and about all other facets of their lives together, and last (but certainly not least!) it’s important to engage in sensual and erotic touch as a way of continuously reinforcing both emotional and physical intimacy.

Welcome back to Enhancing Sexual Desire week here at Long Relationships.

This week, the lovely ladies who wrote The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire, Rachel Greene Baldino and Judy Ford, are answering a question about enhancing sexual desire each day.

This month the ladies are touring with Pump Up Your Book Promotion Virtual Tours to get the word out about their book. (And it’s an excellent book I’m happy to have a copy of! If you would like a free copy, check out this post.) Whether you are new to a relationship or have been in one for twenty years, this book has something for you!

On to today’s question:

“What can we do this Valentine’s Day to create an intimate rendezvous with our lover?”

Judy: An intimate rendezvous is best when you slow down and shift your focus from doing to being. Valentines Day is all about Being in love. What do you love about your partner. Tell him specifically. What turns you on about your partner, whisper the specifics to him. Not with the intention of making something happen, but rather with an attitude of an open and grateful heart.

What is something you might do together that allows each of you to slow down and relax? If you go to dinner, don’t talk about the day. Don’t talk about the past, don’t talk about the future, the baseball scores, your worries or upsets. Simply be together. Hold hands. Be loving. Walk lovingly. Smile. Be of good cheer. Look directly at you sweetheart. Tell them how happy they have made you. Tell them how much you appreciate what they have done for you, how they’ve made your life easier. Ask them if there is anything you can do to make their life easier. and intimate rendezvous begins with intimate heartfelt talk.

Believe it or not, some of the most intimate rendezvous can happen when you skip the expectations that you have and simply lead with your heart that day. Let go of the expectations around this day and simply love yourself and your partner. Do some thing to show that you do.

Rachel: Oh there are so many things you can do. The first is to set aside some time – some REAL time. If that means hiring a babysitter, then so be it! Then, pay attention to what you both like to do best! Going out to dinner can be great, but staying in can be just as fun, and can often give you more freedom to do exactly what you like. When both of you bring a positive attitude to your Valentine’s Day date (or to any of your date nights) you are more than halfway there. Enthusiasm only leads to more enthusiasm (and excitement!), especially in the bedroom.

Hello and welcome to Enhancing Sexual Desire week on Long Relationships.

Rachel Greene Baldino and Judy Ford have taken over this blog for the week and are answering questions about enhancing sexual desire to matter how long you have been in your relationship.

If you would like the chance to win a copy of the book, check out this post.

“How do we get in touch with our sensuality?”

Judy: Everyone has a sensuous side and to re-ignite those joyful sensations, you have to pay close attention to your body. When you take a shower pay attention to the silky feel of the soap, pay attention to the warmth of the water running down your skin, pay attention to how the wash cloth feels on your face.

When you touch your husband’s check, feel his whiskers brush your face. Buy yourself roses and pay attention to how they smell. Pay attention to your partner’s energy. Tell him how much you like touching his hand, his face. Tell him how good is touch feels. Tell him that his arms around you bring you chills and that you feel like melting.

The more you verbalize to him how excited you are at seeing him walk into the room, the more you sensuous side will come out of the box.

Rachel: There are loads of fun, exciting ways to get back in touch with your sensual side. For instance, taking a hot bath or going for a massage or a mani-pedi, or picking flowers for yourself. Anything that allows you to enjoy and get back in touch with any of your five senses offers you a way to get back in touch with your inner source of joy and playfulness.

Welcome back to Enhancing Sexual Desire week here at Long Relationships.

This week, the lovely ladies who wrote The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire, Rachel Greene Baldino and Judy Ford, are answering a question about enhancing sexual desire each day.

This month the ladies are touring with Pump Up Your Book Promotion Virtual Tours to get the word out about their book. (And it’s an excellent book I’m happy to have a copy of! If you would like a free copy, check out this post.) Whether you are new to a relationship or have been in one for twenty years, this book has something for you!

I hope you’ll join me in welcoming them to the site!

Today Rachel answers a question that may seem to have an obvious answer but we all needed to be reminded of every now and then.

“What are a few emotional triggers that will kill sexual drive and what can we do about it?”

Rachel: Well, of course, the biggest culprit is anger – or rather anger that is inappropriately expressed, or expressed at the wrong time or place. Couples fight, and healthy fighting with a mutual goal of resolution can even lead to communication breakthroughs and increased emotional intimacy. But fighting that is cruel or pointless is one of the biggest mood killers there is.

JM says: Absolutely! Anger - especially pointlessly dragged out anger - is a poison for relationships. It’s normal to fight, but make sure your feelings and problems are being taken care of. If you’re going to bed angry more times than not, it’s time to sit down with your partner and figure out your relationship.

Thanks again, Rachel!

Hello everyone, and welcome (back) to Long Relationships!

This week is a very special one, as the ladies who wrote The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire (pictured on the left), Rachel Greene Baldino and Judy Ford, are taking over my blog this week! Every day this week, one or both of the ladies will be answering a question about their book and about enhancing sexual desire in your relationship.

Whether you’re new to a relationship or have been in one for twenty years, this book can help you put some spark into your sex life as well as help you to nurture the physical side of your relationship.

So, without further ado, I turn this blog over to the lovely ladies who wrote this book.

On to today’s question!

“What is the main reason we lost sexual desire and what can we do to put more zing in our labido?”

Rachel: In talking to couples and just living life, we have learned that it’s not so much that couple’s lose their desire. Rather, they get focused on other things and their sex lives seem to fall by the wayside.

That’s why we spend so much time in the book talking about the importance of having couple time, in the bedroom, but also outside of it, that is, time where the two of you can set aside all your other concerns and focus exclusively on one another. So it’s really a question of refocusing and reprioritizing, and remembering that your relationship is meant to be fun, and a source of great joy and replenishment.

Global warming. Starvation. Pollution. Illness. Bills. Work. Kids. School. More and more debt. To think, they said computers would reduce the amount of paperwork in the world…

Today’s world is often unkind to the couple and the family. Yes, there are tax breaks and school supplies sales but those things only try to soften the blows, not prevent the problems.

That’s why you, as one half of a couple, need to take an active role in creating and maintaining the long lasting, healthy relationship you want. If you’re not willing to work on your relationship, how can you expect to find anyone else who is willing to work for you?

It’s been shown in many studies (the most popular being Harry Harlow’s rhesus monkeys experiment) that having physical contact is very important for bonding – especially in childhood.

If you’re in a long relationship, you’re no longer a child, but that doesn’t mean physical bonding is any less important. For this weekend’s homework, I would like you to take some time for physical bonding.

No, I don’t mean sex.

Take some time this weekend to cuddle with your partner. On the couch, on the bed, anywhere you like as long as you can hold and caress each other. You can talk, watch television or take a nap if you want.

The important thing about this is to have that physical contact. The physical bonding. Don’t force it, but try to take note of how you feel afterwards. You should have at least a slightly elevated mood.

Happy 2008!

No, I, JM, don’t pay for sex, but according to this article there is a woman who pays up to ₤600 (about $1200 in US dollars and about $1355 Australia dollars) to do so.

And she’s not afraid to admit it.

For about three years now, this woman has been paying a man named ‘Justin’ to sleep with her. Yes, they wine and dine first sometimes, but as she says, “…I definitely went out with sex on my mind.”

I say more power to her.

She knows what she wants, she knows what she needs. She takes her responsibility to her children seriously and only goes out on nights when their father is looking after them. She’s spending her own money.

What’s the problem?

The problem I can see people getting in a snit over is the fact she’s paying for sex.

I make it trivial by putting it this way, but I honestly think it’s this simple:

While she was married, she had access to the most delicious, fabulous pink lady apples you could ever find. She loved them, got used to eating them regularly, and enjoyed them. But after she got divorced, she no longer had easy access to the supply.

So she went out and bought her own apples.

It’s sex, not destructive meetings about how to spread chaos in the world.

If she was abandoning her children to go bonk with a different hot thing every other day, there would be a problem. But she’s handling this like you would expect a responsible adult to handle it. I’m a bit impressed about how she has everything worked out, but who wouldn’t have everything going smoothly after three years?

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree?

The thing to remember when your significant other withholds sex is that it isn’t the end of the relationship. If your significant other withholds sex on a regular basis, it means there are problems, but it doesn’t necessarily spell the end disaster either.

If you are the partner withholding sex, you need to keep in mind that genuinely not being in the mood once in a while is normal. However, if you keep refusing, your refusals are no longer just refusals. Keep in mind that the more you refuse the bigger shot you take at your partner’s ego, confidence (in the bedroom and otherwise), self image, and a lot of other things.

Now that you know withheld sex is not the end of your relationship, you need to know that it can be.

While French maid outfits or handcuffs might be giggle-worthy to read about, if that’s what it takes to help you back into a healthy sexual relationship then you need to take it seriously. If sitting down and having a one-on-one about both your wants/needs is what it takes, then you have to do it if you want your relationship to survive.

Some things to keep in mind before deciding it’s time to bring up the sex talk with your partner:

If your partner is a woman keep in mind that it can take a woman about twenty minutes to ‘get into it’. It’s the price we pay for multiple orgasms. Mind space for sex is important. Also keep in mind hormones have a lot to do with it as well. Different times mean different chances of getting her aroused.

If your partner is a man don’t subscribe to the idea put around the world that men can do it any time and any place. Some men can, just like some women can get off just as fast as a man. However, some men need the right head space like some women need the right head space. Sometimes we’re not always as different as you might think.

No matter what, keep your partner’s wants, needs, and life in mind when you go for sex. When your partner refuses, take note of the day, what your partner’s day has been life, what time of the month it is (this sounds sexist, but pay special attention to this if your partner is a woman. Some women can’t get enough sex at the time of the month and other women can’t stand to be touched.)

If there’s no consistency, there may be a problem, but if you’re always asking on Wednesdays when it’s his/her big meeting day or day to run the play group, that could be the reason behind the refusal.

One of the biggest problems I hear about it the simple refusal of sex. He or she doesn’t want to participate as much as the other partner would like.

However, when it comes to sex, saying more is a lot more than simply saying no.

When your partner refuses sex every once in a while that is okay and, in some cases, to be expected. Men and women both (despite what you’ve heard of men and insta-hard dicks) need a little mental preparation for sex. Some more than others for both sexes.

Whether or not you need little mental preparation, it’s your responsibility as a good partner to understand your partner’s wants and needs. Maybe your partner likes a clothes-ripping-off good time or perhaps a bit of tickling and nibbling is more appropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask and experiment.

But what if you get stopped before you’ve barely started?

That’s where the big problems start coming in.

The thing to remember about refusing your partner is it can be detrimental to your partner’s ego, self-confidence, sense of relationship stability, and other things as well. This isn’t to mean you should be having sex because you feel guilty that your partner isn’t getting as much sex as s/he needs, but you should examine the causes of your refusing. (Or encourage your partner to examine the real reasons behind his/her refusals.

Being refused can very easily start you on a path to self doubt and relationship doubt. That’s why it’s so important to communicate clearly about your wants and needs in regards to sexual behavior. Don’t feel guilty bringing up something. If you have a problem, it will come out in one way or another, so it’s good to get it out sooner before it starts affecting other areas of your lives.

Come back for more posts on what to do if s/he refuses you.