Long Relationships

I was responding to comments the other night and came across Little Miss Fatty’s Pants weight loss blog. While she is struggling a little bit with things right now, she has taken that all-important step of deciding to make her life a better, longer, healthier one.

I was looking through her past posts, and there was one that contained a letter to her boyfriend.

While her letter was a short one, it conveyed the love she has for her boyfriend and the appreciation she has for him looking out for her.

Well, that inspired me to write a thank-you to my husband…

Dear Mr. JM,

Me

It’s a Fling Thing
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann,
Co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

No doubt hook-ups happen. And sometimes they can be okay, but you must have both eyes wide open prior to taking a bedside tumble. In other words, before you get jiggy with that hottie you just met, ask yourself the following questions to keep your sex-pectations in check.

1. Am I doing this for the right reasons? If your reason for a fling includes trying to wipe out the memory of an ex or perhaps trying to get a date to like you as something more well, chances are you should be keeping your clothes on. If you think that having a fling will help you forget a love gone wrong, remember that if you’re emotionally fragile, it may have the opposite effect (i.e. you’ll spend the whole time comparing this person to your ex and then later on likely crying over what once was — rebounds rarely erase “ex” sex memories).

And if you think that having sex with someone will make them like you if you’re on the fence keep this in mind . . . sometimes sex is just sex. It might mean something to you but be more of an athletic outlet to someone else. In other words, the ONLY way to say “yes” to this is if you truly think you’ll be okay if you never hear from the person again. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for emotional disaster after the physical pleasure is over.

2. Am I picking an appropriate flinger? In other words, deciding to “do it” with your best friend just because you’re both single and horny may not be the wisest choice. “Friends with benefits” can become dangerous territory . . . especially if you’ve been friends for a while. Here’s the thing, once you cross THAT line, your relationship will be different 12 hours later . . . guaranteed. So, make sure you’re prepared for the consequences of whatever happens with whomever things happen.

If this is a friendship you cannot afford to lose, then you might want to think twice (especially if there is any imbibing involved). Same thing goes for work colleagues. On the flip side, picking a total stranger at a bar may not be the best option either. What do you really know about this person? It’s important to keep personal boundaries in mind.

However, let’s say you meet someone you’re attracted to and you know that you two won’t be a long-term match but you can foresee some special times spent together over a season (i.e. summer romance perhaps), well . . . then as long as you go in knowing the parameters and you’re okay with the fact that this fling might prevent you from meeting Mr. or Miss Right since you’re “sort of” involved, then . . . the choice is yours.

3. Am I safe and protected? This is pretty much the MOST important fling thing. It’s fine to have spontaneous fun but not if the repercussions of that decision negatively impact your health or life forever. Be smart, use protection and never go home with anyone about whom you have ANY reservations. Listen to your instincts . . . they’re probably right.

4. Am I equipped to handle the situation if my emotions DO get involved? Here’s the thing . . . even with the best of intentions, hormones can get involved. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the love hormone, can trick you into thinking you’re suddenly crazy about someone after you’ve done the deed just because the hormone is released when you’re intimate.

Don’t try to make a relationship out of a no-win situation just because he or she is amazing in bed. The other attributes must be in place too. That said if your fling turns into more and you’re both on the same page about it . . . congratulations. Sometimes life hands you little surprises. But recognize that if it’s not a two-way street well . . . that is the risk you took the minute you decided to take things to another level.

If you have any reservations or think you might be crushed if your fling doesn’t turn into something else, better to say “no thank you” and look for something more lasting. Because remember, it’s your heart that you’re playing with and ultimately, the goal is happiness, not heartbreak. Fling wisely!

©2009 Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Author Bio
Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is a Broadway performer and highly credited dating/sex/relationship writer. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, Maxim, and more. She lives in New York City.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

I believe there are two levels of knowing things.

You can know things on the surface. Someone tells you something that you take for truth, you read certain facts or statistics, etc…

You can also know things, truly know them, and the only way to know things on that level is to experience them for yourself.

So while I am probably going to list some things that I knew already, I now know them on that deeper level having experienced them for myself.

1. Like everything, there is an ebb and flow to happy times in marriage. Fighting or even growling is actually healthy in a marriage. They are reminders of where we stand, what we need to work on and sometimes just reminders that we need a bit of personal space every now and then.

2. Bad times do end. I hate the bad times. I truly, truly do, but I know there is a reason for them. One of the hardest things I have to keep reminding myself is that the bad times do end. Sometimes you bear a scar, sometimes you don’t, but they do come to an end.

3. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. It’s nice to think of you and your spouse as one unit, working together and such, but you have to remember you are two human beings. You will not be alike in every single thing. And sometimes there is nothing you can do – you have to let your spouse work things out.

Short and sweet, bur that’s the way it should be at this point. I am so happy my husband and I are still going strong.

Today I am on the road with Mr. JM. My wonderful friend Jenera of Just Me and Jenera Healy Photography has been kind enough to take over for the day. I couldn’t be leaving my blog in more trusted hands…

Every marriage can be a rollercoaster. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When we get married we vow to be there for each other in sickness and health. But what if that sickness is mental illness?

There are some dimensions to mental illness. A wide spectrum of signs, symptoms, diseases, and disorders. Some severe, some mild. But in every case, it affects both people in a marriage.

In a perfect world, no one would suffer from mental health issues. We would all be happy, healthy, and well adjusted individuals. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I have lived with panic attacks, anxiety, anger issues, depression, and other problems of this nature since I was a teenager. Some of my problems are genetic and some I believe are a result of my life and situations I have faced. My mental health problems have affected all my relationships to certain degrees.

When I met my husband, I was up front about the fact that I was just a bit crazy. I admitted to cutting, drinking a bit too much, anger, depression, and a host of other issues. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into. The reason I fell in love with him was because he accepted me and all that came with me. It has been rough at times but he has stuck by me.

If you are in a marriage with someone who is living with mental illness of any type, it is important to support them. To care for them in the rough times. Here are a few things that may help you.

Do not judge. Often times, the mental struggles are not something that can be controlled. Sure, maybe with medication and other therapy options, it can be lived with. But more often than not, chemical imbalances are to blame.

Listen. Sometimes an open mind, ear and shoulder are that is needed to make it through a rough patch. There will be times where nothing you can say will help. Not saying a word, just listening, can be more beneficial than advice.

Love them. For me, my husband’s love and support has been something to keep me on an even keel. Knowing that I can turn to him no matter what, makes it easier to deal with things.

Try not to be scared. There may be times when your partner’s behavior may frighten you. When I get angry, despondent, or downright mean, I know that it can cause my husband to be concerned. As long as there is no violence, just stand back and keep an eye.

Try not to push. Sometimes something may be held back. Your spouse may not share everything. Try not to push. It will come out when they are ready. My husband and I were married for over 3 years before I finally opened up to him about my ‘crazy time’. It was a time period that I never really talked about other than to say it was when I went a little crazy.

I opened up to him about the darkest days and nights, the cutting, the anger, the depression, the hatred for everyone. It was hard and it took awhile to get through it. But I was happy I did. If he had pushed me to share, it would not have been as healing.

There is no magic recipe for dealing with these situations. Loving your spouse, supporting them, and helping them is all you can do. Your partner needs to be able to turn to you, to open up the depths of their soul, and to heal. It can be tough. It will be tough. But in the end, you can grow closer to your partner in ways you never thought possible.

Due to recent events, I’ve been thinking about my relationship with myself. The line of thinking may seem egotistical at first, but truly, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have.

I’ve known people who have truly rotten relationships with their selves. They negative self-talk, they insult themselves in front of other people – they even make negative self comments to complete strangers! The unfortunate part is all that negative energy just sucks the lives out of other people, and the negative self-talkers often end up along.

Which, of course, just makes the negativity worse.

A positive relationship with yourself is important for many reasons: self-esteem, mental health and physical health. Have you ever noticed that people who are constantly insulting themselves are not the people who are fit and healthy?

True, fit and healthy people can just be a lot better at hiding self-directed negativity, but that’s not usually the case.

Earlier this week I felt horribly under pressure, stressed and depressed. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control. Lo and behold, I started thinking negative comments like, “You idiot. How could you do that?” and “That was a stupid thing to do.”

The difference this time, though, is that I’ve been there and done that. I was one of the worst negative self-talkers. Now I know better.

The struggle is ongoing to try to not be so down on yourself, so sometimes you have to be a bit silly and treat yourself with ‘kid gloves’. But I can tell you that positive reinforcement like cutting off negative self-talk and giving yourself compliments regularly is an absolute must if you want to get out of that dark place.

When I realized how bad things were getting, I took myself out for a treat: sushi and a walk in the park. I mentally reassured myself that I am a worthwhile person and everything will work out.

Again, it may sound silly, but I’m back, feeling better and getting work done, aren’t I?

Some days you just have to take a mental health day.

The moment I snapped at one of my reviewers, I knew the day was going a lot more wrong than I cared to admit. Things have to be going pretty badly for me to hand out a verbal lashing via the internet. That was the moment that I knew I had to get off the internet, away from the computer and out of the flat.

I love my job, I truly do, but it will drive you bonkers if you don’t get out and be around nature regularly. I’d forgotten to take that into account and let the days drift by as the working stress mounted.

I went to the shops and wandered around a bit, just calming myself down and looking at ‘the pretty, shiny things’. Not really buying anything, just looking. After a while of that, I picked up lunch and headed down the highway to the local lake/park where Mr. JM and I got married.

Talk about stress relief.

Being in the breeze, among the trees, sitting by the lake… I started feeling better right away. There is nothing like nature to help make you feel rejuvenated.

I called up the husband a few hours later and told him I’d meet him at the pub when he got off work(not too long a walk for me and on his direct route home, whereas the park is a pain in the arse for him to get to). Mr. JM, the darling man that he is, knows when I’m just having a bad day and when I’m having a *bad* day. When he rocked up to the pub to pick me up, he came in with brightly coloured flowers in hand to cheer me up.

I am very thankful I took a mental health day, but I’m even more grateful that I have a wonderful husband who understands that I need to take those days sometimes.