Long Relationships

Last week for Love Question Eleven, we talked about how open and honest you should be when it comes to your past relationships. While the general consensus was that honesty is good, but detailed specifics are uncalled for, it got me thinking about honesty in the other areas of relationships…

We’re all aware of little white lies and what they are. From telling someone yes, the apple pie really did taste great (when it wasn’t great at all), to not having the heart to tell someone quite how bad their latest haircut is, I think most of us have told at least one white lie in our time.

But how many have you told to your partner? Do you think it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing to do so?

I think when it comes to my partner and me, the most frequent lie is the lie by omission. We hate hurting each other and thus we tend to not say anything when something comes up. While this is okay for minor annoyances that are forgotten a minute later, we have gotten ourselves in trouble a time or two because of it.

We’re working on it, though, and are finding our own happy medium between complete and utter honesty and omission.

While I personally would tell my husband if his apple pie wasn’t so great, I know people who would tell a white lie with no hesitation and have no qualms about doing so.

Where do you draw the line in your relationship? Do you think it helps or hinders? Have you ever been caught in a white lie or caught your partner in one?

I was recently invited to participate in a relationship meme and, well, I have a hard time resisting memes, tags, etc. So here is a love question from Being Pursued and my answer to it.

Welcome to Love Q #1. For this week, just imagine you are being pursued by someone but you are absolutely not interested in his or her advances. I have come across the different manners that people do to send out the message that they are not interested but lets hear it from you.

So, the question:

If you are being romantically pursued but you are not interested, what would you do to let the person know? For instance, would you be direct and blunt or would you drop hints?

This has actually happened to me more than once, believe it or not.

The first time, I did exactly the wrong thing: I went out with the guy even though I wasn’t really interested. I just couldn’t bear to make him feel bad by saying no and he was a good friend. I thought maybe something might happen. (What can you say? I was a lot younger.)

These days I’m definitely a bit more direct. I’m not as outrageous when I flirt so as to avoid these kind of awkward situations. The easiest way to get out of anything like that is to mention my husband or something related to him so I can eventually bring him up.

If I was single… Eh, I’d go the hints way first, but not for long. I’m too impatient to dance around the issue like that.

What about you? Are you a direct Doris or a bit of a shy hint-dropper?

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Exes.

Love ‘em, hate ‘em, periodically burn pictures of them… Exes undoubtedly shape who we are and who we date.

One of my first boyfriends taught me I needed a man who at least matched my intelligence. Another taught me that I need control in setting how fast physical things happen – even holding hands or kissing.

That’s right – use them and then throw them away.

Kidding! However, sometimes we do keep more than just memories from our exes. The question is…

Is it wrong to keep ex memorabilia? Old love letters? Mix CDs/tapes? Stuffed animals?

This can be a tough question depending on the ex-relationship as well as the object in question. Because of this, there aren’t really any hard rules for what’s okay/not okay to keep. If you’re wondering, though, there are a few common sense things that will help you figure out if it’s okay to keep it or chuck it.

Think about the relationship. Was it the relationship before your current one? Time is a big factor. If you have a locket from your crush when you were five, that’s not a big deal. If you’ve broken up with someone three months ago and still have his/her underthings in your laundry, that could be a problem.

Also think about how serious the relationship was. A fun three week relationship is a lot different than engaged to be married. Don’t even think about trying to play down how deep the relationship was either. Be honest and think about things.

Think about the object. My husband has a pen that has ‘Love, Antoinette’ engraved on it. I don’t think a pen is a big deal because it’s useful. (Plus, he never actually went out with the women.)

My husband also had all his old love letters. Maybe it’s because I’m a Leo or because I feel possessive of my husband, but I didn’t like the love letters. If he wanted to keep them, I was fully willing to talk about it and keep the letters. He knew I didn’t like them, though, and was willing to give them up.

Flexibility is key, but if you’re keeping a naughty video of your first time with your ex, you should probably think about getting rid of it.

And most importantly:

Think about your partner. Your partner’s comfort (in compromising with you, too) is very important to you. Maybe you think old love letters are fun to read back over, but this could translate as you still having ‘a little something’ for the person who wrote the letter to your partner. Be sure things are okay with your partner.

Ah, the ex. You may have never met him or her, or you may see him or her every other weekend when the kids get dropped off. Know him/her/them or not, your partner’s ex(s) are a part of your partner just like his/her memories of childhood or that one Christmas when Uncle Jim did his ’sexy’ dance.

Having a partner with some experience out in the field, so to say, is a good thing. It sounds like a bad thing, but our past relationships help us to determine not only what works for us in our significant other but we learn what our behavior in a relationship should be like.

Not all of us learn these lessons (or there would be a lot more healthy relationships out there), but if you decide to take previous relationships as lessons it can help contribute to healthier relationships in the future.

I hate what some of my ex-boyfriends did to me, but I learned a lot from them in terms of what I need from a man physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s all a part of the learning experience, no matter how good or bad the relationships were.

Even if you happen to hate the fact that your partner’s ex may have been taller/prettier/smarter/better paid/etc than you.

This week I’ll be talking about things like keeping your ex’s stuff, when being compared to your partner’s exes crosses the line, and how to treat your partner’s ex. There’s much more beyond that, so be sure to stop back.