Long Relationships

There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.

- Art Turock

This quote from Art Turock, motivational speaker and author of Invent Business Opportunities No One Else Can Imagine, is certainly applicable to business leaders and team managers. If they are committed to a company’s vision, they will look for results in measurable metrics that indicate success.

The same concept applies in long-term relationships, but those metrics are a bit fuzzier. Instead of profit margin and turnover, a couple needs to identify which factors are most helpful in showing their relationship’s success. As with many other aspects of a committed relationship, communication is essential in making sure that both partners understand what the other considers as relational success. Possible criteria could include:

- length of the relationship
- health of interactions with family
- demonstrated team-based decision-making
- similar views on family structure and roles
- flexibility of partners in change
- reliability of partners in adversity

The realm of relationships is hard to navigate on these black-and-white terms because emotion is so closely tied, but the concept is still solid. The idea is not to approach the partnership as a business transaction; instead, envision the relationship as a journey to some destination. Where do you want this relationship to take you? What do you want to accomplish with your partner? It is in setting up these milestones and benchmarks that partners can understand how their intention is being realized. Without results, the commitment - in business and in love - is not being served.

- - -
Note from RA: This week will be my last at LongRelationships.com. Thanks for your support and I’d love to see you at my original blog, Definitely RA.
- - -

couples, commitment, goals, communication

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

When summer comes, there are a few changes that occur in our house. The storm door gets replaced with a screen door. We make fewer casseroles and grill almost all the time. Instead of turning on the heat, we switch on the ceiling fan. The biggest change, however, occurs in the morning.

As a teacher, JG usually gets up at 5:50am so that he can make it to school by 7am. Homeroom starts at 7:30, you see. JG is a morning person by nature and, while the hour is still early, getting up and started with the day appeals to him. On the other hand, I am a grumpy ogre and in the morning and woe to the person who tries to talk to me before I’ve been up and moving for at least an hour. I say all this to preface the big shift: I have to get up before JG.

Shudder.

My usual routine consists of smacking the alarm clock to deafen its buzz (plus or minus a few snooze button pushes), rolling over, groaning, and then racing around to leave more or less on time. In the summer months, it’s pretty much the same, except that JG is next to me, wide awake, talking up a storm, and wondering why I’m not quite as chipper as he is.

Don’t get me wrong - having JG around for the summer is great. He is really good about cooking dinners (hello, it’s grilling season) and taking care of random honey-do items. Heck, last summer, he painted six rooms in our house.

I just need to keep that in mind when I’m trying to drag my sorry self out of bed in the morning.

- - -

Note from RA: This week will be my last at LongRelationships.com. Thanks for your support and I’d love to see you at my original blog, Definitely RA.

- - -

couples, co-habitation

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

Tracey Cox, sex expert and author of Love Bytes at iVillage.com, discussed when the time is right to say Those Three Words.

Say ‘I love you’ at the right time to the right person for the first time and it calls for champagne. Blurt it out at the wrong time to the wrong person and you need a stiff drink for totally different reasons. Most of us are paranoid about being the first to say ‘I love you’ – justifiably. There is only one correct response to ‘I love you’ and that’s ‘I love you too’. Here’s a way to make sure that’s exactly what will happen rather than ‘That’s nice’ delivered with a look of panic or pity!

According to Cox, partners ready to take this leap should:

- Be aware of timing.
- Make sure the phrase means the same thing for both partners.
- Try it out on less-important situations to see what happens.

However, don’t:

- Follow up with, “Do you love me?”
- Say it for the first time after being intimate.

- - -

Note from RA: This week will be my last at LongRelationships.com. Thanks for your support and I’d love to see you at my original blog, Definitely RA.

- - -

couples, communication, I love you

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

During this holiday weekend, JG and I are making a three-hour drive to visit his parents and siblings. There are rumors of hiking, swimming, and shopping, so I think it will be pretty busy, which is fine. I’d much rather spend the holiday weekend at home, sleeping in, and grilling in our back yard, but I know spending time with family will be gratifying, too. Of course, any time with the in-laws is always interesting.

For ideas on how couples can spend their Memorial Day in sunny locale, pop on over to the San Diego site, hosted by the lovely Victoria!

Have a nice weekend!

- - -

couples, in-laws

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

In her blog at iVillage.com, Gail Saltz, M.D., comments on spousal competition and offers advice to those who may be handling this issue in their relationships.

Dr. Saltz, a regular contributor on the Today show on topics including mental health, sex, and relationships, provides context to how competition can arise in any marriage:

Ideally, one would believe that spouses don’t compete, that they are a team. In a perfect world your spouse wants what is best for you and for you to be your best. But competitive drive does not stop just because you love someone and are on his or her team. Spouses do compete, they just are not always aware of it in themselves and in each other.

Dr. Saltz claims that competition can take place in any situation, such as bedroom performance, affection of friends or family, or career growth. She explains that “this kind of competition has to do with normal drives and a little insecurity. The greater the insecurity about your own abilities, the more likely you will feel competitive.”

Her bottom line in marital competition, as with so many other issues, is to keep the lines of communication open:

Competition is normal as long as you can keep it in perspective and avoid real anger, resentment and taking it out on your spouse. Instead talk about your feelings and be supportive and reassuring to each other. Point out your spouse’s real strengths and help them to be the best they can be. If you bring out the best in each other your marriage will thrive.

- - -

marriage, competition, Gail Saltz

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ - the pig was ‘committed’.

- Anonymous

I think I laughed aloud at this quote because it resonates so strongly with me. In quibbles about relationships terminology, sometimes it can be difficult to parse out the people you’re “dating” or “seeing.” The label itself does not matter. What matters, instead, is the frame of mind one brings to a relationship. In this breakfast arrangement, if one person is willing to be the ham but the other only wants to be eggs, that disconnect will reveal itself in due time. Being eggs only requires a certain degree of effort; choosing to be ham is a huge step that should take a lot of thought because it is not easily reversible.

- - -

commitment

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

At first glance, JG and I are very similar. Well, maybe not at first glance - the 15-inch height difference is a big divider. During someone’s first conversation with us, we appear to be very similar. We’re both systematic, pragmatic, objective-oriented people who like to be early and prepared and these shared characteristics usually come out fairly quickly.

In the second or third conversation, that person might find out that when it comes to outside interests, JG and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Put simply, he’s a big sports guy and I’m a lover of the arts. We struggle with finding ways to spend leisure time together in a way that’s enjoyable for both parties. I don’t enjoy the prospect of dragging JG to the theater and I doubt he would like me cringing my way through a game at a sports bar. We both want the other to have fun, but we want to have fun, too. What to do?

Here are several strategies we’ve used to combine dissimilar interests and still manage to live with each other.

Learn about the other’s interest so as to become an active participant
Before I met JG, all I knew about football was what I had gleaned from beer commercials. My mental picture consisted of overweight, painted-up guys ogling at blonde cheerleaders and roaring at the players, who, by the way, reminded me of bison rumbling across the plain. In college, though, JG and I spent a lot of time going to our team’s games and I knew that if I was going to spend that Saturday night with him, I should probably pick up what was going on. My education began when I misidentified the wide receiver as “the one who throws.” Now, I can just about keep up - with the help of the commentator, the crowd, and the scoreboard - and watching a football game is a fun time together. Ultimately, because football was something JG enjoyed, I wanted to make it something I could enjoy, too.

A willingness to learn something foreign is a sign that one is willing to go outside a comfort zone and make time together more fun. Also, rather than having to tolerate ignorance disdain, it’s rather flattering to position a significant other in a place of expertise.

Demonstrate your appreciation when sacrifices are made
Earlier this year, JG and I spent a long weekend in Philadelphia and we spent a whole day doing things that I would love. We grabbed cheesesteaks for lunch, walked through the art museum, went to a nicer restaurant for dinner, and then saw the orchestra perform some of my favorites. I knew that JG would not be in his element, so I tried to give him some context behind the art and music, but when he reached his saturation point, I stopped. I consciously made it a point to thank JG for everything we did that day, numerous times, and tell him how much fun I was having. It was absolutely clear to me that, even though he was doing well enough throughout the day, he would much rather be somewhere else, doing something else. But since he chose to spend the time with me in the way that I would most enjoy, the least I could do was to show my appreciation for that effort.

Making the sacrifice to spend time with a partner, even if it’s not something completely enjoyable, can be mean being slightly or very uncomfortable. Be gracious in recognizing the gesture and quick to repay it.

Accept that you may need to take part in activities without your significant other
When JG and I were first married, we tried to do a lot of things together, as if the hours we clocked in each other’s presence counted for something. It’s completely unrealistic to think that couples will be able to do everything that each parter would like and still be able to tolerate each other, so I suggest finding “extra-curricular” buddies. For example, I have a shopping buddy. If I know that I’m headed for a marathon shopping session, it makes no sense to bring along JG, who only feels exhausted the second he steps foot in a mall and is no help when it comes to discerning which blazer will be the most versatile. In the same vein, if JG wants to go play volleyball, he calls up some guy friends instead of asking me because he knows that I would rather be eating the same than running around on it. There are no hard feelings because this type of natural selection is a realistic reflection of how we each like to spend our time and we respect that.

Reaching out to other friends for company allows time apart and an opportunity to foster outside relationships that will make coming back together seem even better. It’s a way to acknowledge individual differences and cultivate reasonable expectations for spending time together.

- - -

couples, interests, compromise

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

In a recent piece in The New York Times, Kevin Mims describes how his wife’s ex-husband hopes to rekindle the previous relationship.

My wife and I have been married 27 years, but her first husband still wants her back. When we’re together at family functions, he tells everyone that he’s just waiting for me to die so he and Julie can remarry. He acts like he’s joking, but he means every word of it.

Well, not quite. I’m younger (by nine years) and healthier than he is, so he probably realizes the odds are against his outliving me. What he’s really hoping is that Julie and I will be divorced.

Frank, the ex-husband, and Julie were high school sweethearts and married at a young age when Julie became pregnant. According to Mims, five years of marriage and two daughters resulted Frank feeilng trapped, that “divorce would be his key to happiness”.

Between family gatherings where all three parents are invited and expensive gifts, Frank makes his affection for Julie clear. As a struggling writer, Mims is understandably uncomfortable because he senses that there might be some basis to Frank’s optimism.

All my life I have pursued my passion — writing — without unduly concerning myself with our financial needs. I’ve been able to do this because Julie has put aside her passions — horses, gardening, photography — and gone to her job as an escrow officer each weekday to earn a living.

When we married, it was with the well-intended but overly optimistic understanding that she would support my writing until my writing could support us both. And so I have written short stories and poems and novels and essays and newspaper articles and much more. I have spent thousands of dollars attending writing conferences and hiring professional editors to help me perfect my manuscripts. And I have never made more than a pittance in return for these literary labors.

Although the situation appears to be uncomfortable, the author seems confident that the status quo will prevail.

For better or worse, I will go on writing. Julie will go on working. And Frank — ever hopeful, his patience seemingly limitless — will go on waiting.

- - -

couples, divorce

For more subscribe to LR.com’s feed

Stage 1: Inside jokes and low cost
From him:
- Swedish fish
- handwritten cards

From me:
- milkshakes
- handwritten notes

Stage 2: Interests and hobbies
From him:
- Madeleine L’Engle books
- soundtrack CDs

From me:
- books about math
- climbing gear

Stage 3: Ooh, we have some money, now!
From him:
- pearl earrings
- Real Simple subscription

From me:
- a watch
- Sports Illustrated subscription

Stage 4: What do you want?
For us:
- a new couch
- Netflix subscription

- - -

couples, gifts

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

In today’s Q&A about fatherhood and relationships, I’m excited to present MetroDad, a New York City father who shares parenting duties of his toddler daughter, the Peanut, with his wife, BossLady. Here are his thoughts on his daughter and how he’ll react when she starts having her own serious relationships.

Q. Even though your daughter is so young, how do you imagine you’ll teach her about relationships and what she might encounter?
A. I like to think that, in a way, I’ve already been teaching her about relationships. When it comes to raising a daughter and teaching her about relationships, I believe that the best method of teaching is by example. I want her to see her parents as affectionate, considerate people who love each other very much and treat each other with respect. I want her to see that her parents are two individuals with their own personalities and interests who are in it together for the long haul, through good times and bad. In the long run, I think that will translate to a healthy view of adult relationships.

Who knows what she’ll encounter in the future? I can’t prepare her for every relationship experience that she’ll ever encounter but, at the same time, I want to make sure that she understands how important it is for her to only date men who respect her. So, in that regard, I guess part of teaching her how to deal with relationships is to try and help her develop enough self-confidence to understand her true value as a person.

Q. The saying goes that women tend to date or marry men who are similar to their fathers. How does that appeal to you?
A. Haha…that’s definitely a catch-22! During my dating years, I tended to get bored very easily. I would date a new woman for 3 months and then break up with her. Although I was a nice guy and always treated my girlfriends with respect, I was also very much a serial monogamist. In fact, I never thought I’d settle down and get married.

However, look at me now! I’m practically the poster boy for the institution of marriage.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if my daughter dated someone like me but I wouldn’t be altogether disappointed if she married someone similar to me.

Q. How would you handle a situation where your daughter was in a relationship that you did not condone?
A. Considering that my daughter isn’t even three yet, it’s hard to even fathom her in a relationship. However, isn’t it inevitable that she will eventually be in a relationship that I won’t condone? I think my reaction will be very much tempered by her age. If she’s in college or her 20’s, I like to think that I’ll let her make her own decisions so she can learn from her mistakes. After all, I think many of us only know what to look for in a good relationship after having been in a bad one, right? Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ll greet her boyfriend with open arms. If anything, I’ll try to subtly bring up the idea that she could do much better. However, at that age, I think I’ll generally be hands-off.

However, if she’s in high school and in a relationship with someone who is a bad influence on her, I won’t hesitate to forcefully end the relationship. At that age, the stakes are too high and I won’t allow anything or anybody to exert any negative influences on my daughter.

Q. How did you and BossLady involve your parents in your relationship?
A. My wife and I did not involve our parents in our relationship. Both sets of our parents are immigrants from Korea and although we love them very much, there remains a large generational and cultural gap. However, my wife’s parents have been together for over 45 years and they’re very affectionate with one another. So, in a way, we find them to be one of many couples that we look to for inspiration.

Q. What are your hopes for your daughter and the serious relationships she’ll have in the future?
A. My hopes for her and her relationships are the same that I have for everything related to her future. I hope she’s happy. I hope she finds someone who appreciates her for who she is. I hope she finds someone who challenges her and allows her to grow over time. And most importantly, I hope that she never settles for just anyone and, though it may take awhile, her soulmate is out there somewhere.

Check out MetroDad’s blog for more stories about the Peanut and All about Fatherhood for more tidbits about being a dad!

- - -

fatherhood, relationships, children

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being “drawn toward.” Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one’s friends and enemies.

[...]

For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called “love.” Love is a choice — not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity — a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh.

- Carter Heyward, from Our Passion for Justice: Images of Power, Sexuality and Liberation (1984)

These are powerful words about love and commitment. The parts that most resonate for me are that love is not a sweet feeling; it’s a choice. Let’s actively decide to love another person today.

- - -

commitment, love, Carter Heyward

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

Until recently, JG and I had almost no friends who were married or even seriously dating. Somehow, all of our close friends were single and all of their friends were married. The fabled post-college wedding boom seemed to hit everyone but us. It wasn’t as though we didn’t enjoy spending time with our single friends, but we were definitely the odd ones out. I felt like we melded into one entity called JGandRA. It was very weird.

On Saturday, though, JG and I spent almost the entire day with a couple that we’ve known for about six months. We’re very similar to them in values and interests and we’re at the point now that a weekend without seeing them is rare. Traveling as a foursome was very convenient: we all fit into one car, had partners for rock climbing, we sat comfortably at a booth for dinner, and took up a reasonably-sized block of seats at a movie. We know each other well enough that we can have comfortable conversation and bounce around ideas. This other couple was a huge part of why I had such a fun weekend.

What is it about “couple friends”? Remember that episode of Friends where Chandler and Monica meet a couple on their honeymoon, only to realize that the phone number they have is fake? Monica and Chandler were so eager to spend time with “Greg” and “Jenny” and then really disappointed when they were actually friends with a deli. For the newlywed Bings, I think having a couple friend was a sign that their new marriage was successful and, of course, that they were ultimately cool people to be around.

Personally, I enjoy having an automatic group for random weekend nights when there are no plans. The couples we know are content to play board games, watch movies, or have a pot luck dinner, and we can all enjoy each other’s company with almost no intrusion on the hosts. I also like knowing that if I go shopping with one of the girls, it’s a pretty good bet that the corresponding husband will come by to play video games or tool around with JG, and that’s very comforting. Having couple friends takes away a little bit of that separation anxiety, unwarranted though it might be.

Now, my single friends didn’t just snag mates and get married all at once; almost all of them are still single and we are still really close. The best times are when a mix of single and attached friends come by; I don’t really worry about there being an even number of people or who will “match” up with whom. Ultimately, I really enjoy being with couples who have the same experiences that JG and I do, but they’re just a portion of who we like to see.

- - -

couples, couple friends, socializing, singles

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

A recent Washington Post article shed light the conflict between two online dating sites, eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com, which is an offshoot of Match.com.

The two sites are at odds due to an ad campaign for Chemistry.com featuring rejections from eHarmony.com.

Commercials show attractive singles who were not included by eHarmony because they were gay, were not happy enough, or owed late library books. Others lament a rejection via form letter or ask, “Can’t a girl get some love?”

It seems that, occasionally, a girl can’t get some love, but the article mentions a few good reasons why not.

EHarmony, in fact, says that it has rejected about a million people since its inception. But the company insists that the reasons aren’t arbitrary, that it has never collected any fees from those it rejected, and that Chemistry is trying to suggest otherwise.

The biggest reason for rejection, it says, is that the applicant is married. Stunningly, nearly one-third of the company’s rejects (30 percent) fell into this category. Others are blocked because they’re younger than the minimum application age of 21 (27 percent) or because the applicant gives inconsistent answers (9 percent), based on responses to eHarmony’s 258-question application.

According to Chemistry.com, the ad campaign is intended to point out the differences between the two dating sites.

“We’re saying, ‘We’re a very accepting, non-judgmental’ ” service, said Mandy Ginsberg, Chemistry’s general manager. “Philosophically, we believe that anyone who’s looking for a relationship is entitled to a relationship.”

However, other implications that eHarmony.com discriminates based on race and sexual orientation have caused the company to take aim at Chemistry.com’s parent company, IAC.

Firing back, eHarmony accuses Chemistry’s parent company of hypocrisy. It notes that IAC made formal overtures to buy eHarmony in 2004, but a deal never came off. Now, eHarmony says, IAC is running ads criticizing eHarmony’s business practices. Says Waldorf, “When we got to know IAC, they were very admiring of our business model. I don’t know what’s changed.”

- - -

online dating, eHarmony, Chemistry, rejection

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

When JG and I were dating, I remember asking myself if I was in love. I also remember feeling guilty because I didn’t know. Wasn’t that a bad sign? I felt like I was missing out on some grandiose sensation, during which music should swell and slow-motion should take effect. I approached our relationship rather pragmatically – as I did with most other issues – so I looked for evidence that would help me come to a conclusion. What did “being in love�? entail? What were the behaviors involved? What criteria would lead to a positive result?

But then, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be in love. I polled my college friends about this concept and they all described fluffy feelings that weren’t attractive to me at all. I didn’t want my head in the clouds, my feet walking on air, or my heart leaping all the time. It sounded rather like being under the influence, if you asked me.

Finally, I asked JG if he thought he was in love with me and what he even thought that meant. He considered my (rather loaded) question for a little while and said, “I don’t think it matters whether I’m in love. I just know that I love you.�?

Huh. Well, that was an answer I didn’t expect, but I appreciated it much more than any alternatives I had considered.

See, falling in love simply happens to someone. It’s a passive activity, like falling into a pool. It’s a mistake, not intentional. Loving someone, however, is a conscious decision. It’s an active state of caring for another person to the extent that one’s actions change to that end. It’s diving into the pool.

These days, I don’t care whether I’m in love; I know that I love JG and I’m trying everyday to show that to him.

- - -

couples, being in love, love

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed

Today, I’m pleased to feature Erinn, the writer of Parenting Our Children, and her thoughts on how having children can affect a long-term relationship.

Q. In my experience, it appears to be a commonly-held belief that the decision of whether or not to have children is a major deciding factor in whether or not the relationship can work. To what extent do you agree and why?
A. I think that if you compromise what you want or don’t want (children for example) for the relationship, it is just yourself that you are hurting in the end. Having children is a lifelong commitment, it changes the dynamic of the relationship, usually for the better. I think being honest and upfront with yourself and your partner about wanting children is the best way to find out who you want to be with.

Q. What types of decisions about children would partners need to agree on?
A. Making decisions early in a relationship is great in theory, things change, people change and maybe what they want out of life will change. Knowing how many kids you want when you are 22 may be different when you are 35. As long as all lines of communication are open and are discussed I think you are ahead of the game. Being on the same page about disciplining is not only going to help your relationship but also your child. That is something I think you have to agree on.

Q. What advice would you offer to couples who are currently undecided or in disagreement about children or parenting?
A. I am not sure what advice I would give. I think it is a huge decision to make and one that shouldn’t be made just because you think it is the obvious “next step”. I think being honest and communication are key even if you feel you need a third party like a therapist to help you.

Q. How long did you and your husband wait to have children? Would you recommend this interval for other couples?
A. We were married for about a year and a half before I got pregnant and we were together about six years total at that point. I do think that we had a good amount of time together pre-kids. We wanted to do some things we know we couldn’t do after we had kids and we agreed that me staying home with our kids until they went to school was important to us, so we tried to save some money while we still had some! I think when you feel you are ready to start a family, and you both agree then that is the best time to start your family.

Q. How did making the transition from couple to parents affect you and your husband? What surprised you the most?
A. I was very surprised that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, especially because we had twins. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard, very hard, but we had each other and we work well as a team. It was strange having little people that we had to take care of before our own needs, but I think we both did very well.

The one thing that did surprise me was that we turned into the parents we said we would never turn into, you know the ones who get a small break from the kids but are still talking about kid stuff? Sometimes we go on and on about the kids and we have to remind ourselves to talk about something else! We are still our own people and a couple we just happen to be raising these great kids.

- - -

couples, having kids

For more, subscribe to LR.com’s feed