Long Relationships

I’ll admit it: I like to cruise WebMD. It’s like a free doctor’s visit, especially when I have little questions about things like diet and exercise.

I was cruising around the site when I found the article 11 Don’t-Tell-the-Wife Secrets All Men Keep. Lo and behold, big secret number four actually has something to do with what I have been posting about this week and last: money.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important

In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband — almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?

Yep, cry sexist all you want, but guys still want to be the breadwinners.

And that’s okay!

I’m not telling you (ladies) to stunt your career aspirations just to keep your man happy, but do keep in mind that guys still like to be the provider in the family.

I love that my husband is the provider. In my line of work, I’m not going to be making steady money anyway, so it works out with him as the provider with his steady job.

Other couples might be the opposite, maybe because the woman earns more money, but that’s no reason to rub it in your man’s face or remind him at all if you can avoid it.

When you’re planning out your finances with your partner, be assured that he will notice if you’re paying three bills and he’s paying two. He will notice if you’re buying him more drinks at the pub than he is for you.

It has nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with validating the way your man feels about financial things.

So the next time a guy wants to cover the bill, let him. Don’t cry out sexist if a guy offers to carry your luggage or opens a door. He’s being nice, you big silly.

Having talked about the importance of having an individual account, it’s time to talk about getting down to it: creating the shared account.

Creating the shared account is pretty easy, all said and done. You don’t even have to technically be married, in case you’re eager to give it a go before/without getting married.

All you really have to do is choose the bank – yours or your partner’s? Or perhaps a different bank entirely.

After you’ve done that, it’s relatively easy to add your partner’s name on your account, vice versa, or to create a new shared account. It’s all paperwork and deciding if you’d like the plain cheques or the ones with puppies on them. (Ladies, please don’t do this.)

What goes into the accounts is what you need to talk about next. How do you want to split up the bill payments? Is your shared account going to be purely a bill account? Do you want to calculate total monthly expenses and split down the middle or some other arrangement?

The answers to those questions will vary from couple to couple. As I mentioned before, my husband and I have it arranged so what I earn goes completely to my student and medical bills and what he earns goes toward our other expenses. He earns a lot more than I do, so this works out great for us.

That may not be the case for you and your partner; that’s why you need to talk about it.

Maybe you assume your partner will take care of the rent while your partner thinks it’ll be an even split. Little assumptions now can lead to big problems later. The saying “assume makes an ass of you and me” isn’t around for no reason.

What you need to do is sit down and make a list of the monthly bills and split them into two columns – luxuries and necessities. Decide what you can and can’t afford and then decide how to split the costs.

It might be one long night to do it, but it will be a much longer fight in the future that you’ll avoid by doing it.

Last week I touched on the issue of couple finances and finding what is right for you and your relationship. At the end of the post, I said, “Be wary of anyone who insists on you giving up all your individual accounts.”

Today I’d like to explore that more. First things first, it’s not bad, paranoid, or against your relationship to keep an individual bank account that your partner never gets to see.

A big thing an abuser does is slowly (or quickly, depending) take control of all the aspects of his/her partner’s life. As you can imagine, a huge one is the bank account. If someone has no access or watched access to money, then they have one less resource that could help him/her out of the situation.

No, I’m not saying your partner is or will be an abuser, but I’m sure some abused spouses didn’t think it would happen when they got married and were left without their own account as a result.

That all being said, no, it’s not right to have thousands of dollars stashed away, be struggling to pay bills, and not tell your partner. There are grey areas to everything. However, that’s not the point I’m trying to make.

A lot of people may feel guilty about wanting to keep an individual account for some of their money. But you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty whatsoever.

Think of your individual account as:
*Your play money
*Your ‘unwatched’ money
*Your personal emergency fund
*Your resource in case something happens with your spouse

Some people may think keeping an individual account is inviting or expecting trouble, but it truly isn’t. Think about it this way: Do you really want someone to be able to track every dollar you spend?

True, that may not be possible, but having your own account is having your own space, your own money, your own whatever to do with as you please. And, inviting trouble or not, it is also your resource for emergencies if something happens and you need to get away from your spouse without being traced.

You do not need to feel guilty for keeping a personal account. You do not need to feel guilty if having only a shared account does not feel comfortable to you. You do not need to feel guilty if you don’t want any shared accounts.

Preparedness is not paranoia. Do what’s right for you.

With the coming of the New Year also comes many New Year’s resolutions. With the state of many economies around the world, it’s no wonder that a lot of those resolutions have to do with money.

Whether it’s saving up for your wedding, your first house, or putting money away in that baby account, money is a very important thing for couples.

And not always the easiest thing to share.

There are plenty of things that can influence your financial relationship: Whether one of you or both of you work, who makes more, your financial goals, etc.

Today I’m going to focus on the beginning of the financial relationship.

When you’re moving in together, what do you do? Do you open a shared account and that’s it? Do you keep separate accounts only?

I believe the best balance is a shared account out of which bills are paid along with at least one account for each partner is the best way to go, but that’s just my opinion.

Essentially, you have to figure out what is comfortable for you and not be afraid to say what you want/need.

My husband and I have a shared account and our own individual accounts. What I earn from working from home goes to paying my student loans and medical bills because it’s important to me as a person to pay my own bills. My husband understands that.

He takes care of food, electricity, rent, etc. Basically, living expenses. Yes, it’s a big difference in income and bill payments, but it’s what works for us and our personalities.

Above all, discuss this before you get married. Be wary of anyone who insists on you giving up all your individual accounts.