Long Relationships

A few nights ago, my husband and I sat down at the pub and our conversation wandered to the marital problems a friend of mine is/was having with her husband. She had mentioned to me that she was shocked when her husband told her that he feels inferior to her.

I wasn’t shocked at all, given that she’s a very strong, independent woman (and raised by a single mother as well). She’s used to doing things on her own and doing whatever is needed to get things done. She’s used to taking care of herself and others and isn’t used to relying on others.

I went on to tell my husband, and he agreed, that a lot of the conflict between her and her husband was probably stemming from the fact that she wasn’t letting him be ‘the man’. She takes care of the children, feeds them, clothes them, cleans the house, works, and does all sorts of things. When he tries to be assertive and put his foot down, it usually has to correspond to her terms anyway, so it takes away whatever good ego he could gain.

My husband then said, “It’s difficult for men in this day and age. Women and their roles have changed dramatically over the past decades. There are groups, support networks, and even laws that have helped women to change. That’s not a bad thing, but where are all the men’s groups to help them deal with and change along with them? There are none. Or, if there are, guys don’t want to go because we don’t like sharing our feelings.”

What I consider to be the most valuable pieces of advice I have learned when it comes to relationships is this: Let your man open the pickle jar every once in a while.

Basically, let a man truly be a man every once in a while. Let him pull out your chair, open the pickle jar, mow the lawn, do something for you to remind him that he’s male, masculine.

However, I know that there are women out there who would be furious to read such a thing from a modern woman. Heaven forbid the vice versa – let a woman be a woman and not feel guilty for feeling delicate or wanting help fixing something – be uttered.

What do you think? Do you think men and women still need ‘roles’ or do you think we have moved above and beyond that? Has political correctness been taken too far in relationships, too?

Short Sweet Love Poems has thrown quite the interesting one at us this week in her Love Questions series, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Nowadays, having extra-marital affairs is not something uncommon. Many people get involved with a third party at some point in their relationship and they would try to hide the affair from their partner.

If you have cheated on your partner, would you confess? But if you are the one being cheated upon, would you prefer your partner to tell or not to tell?

Telling may hurt someone you care about, but if you cared that much about hurting that person’s feelings in the first place, you probably wouldn’t have cheated.

Okay, that’s a bit rough and I apologize. However, I believe that you should be honest even if you have ‘gotten away’ with it. The thing is that even if your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, it’s more than likely s/he suspects something is ‘off’. And it’s that feeling of ‘off’ that will bring you troubles later.

So, would you rather your partner hear it from you sooner? Or would you rather things reach critical mass sometime down the road and s/he possibly hears it from someone else? We very often accuse and condemn people for what we ourselves are guilty of, so do you really think you can control your subconscious so completely?

I would want my partner to tell me. Even facing the hurt and anguish of being cheated on is better than not knowing what it is that is ‘off’ and causing friction in the relationship.

What do you think?

Last week for Love Question Eleven, we talked about how open and honest you should be when it comes to your past relationships. While the general consensus was that honesty is good, but detailed specifics are uncalled for, it got me thinking about honesty in the other areas of relationships…

We’re all aware of little white lies and what they are. From telling someone yes, the apple pie really did taste great (when it wasn’t great at all), to not having the heart to tell someone quite how bad their latest haircut is, I think most of us have told at least one white lie in our time.

But how many have you told to your partner? Do you think it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing to do so?

I think when it comes to my partner and me, the most frequent lie is the lie by omission. We hate hurting each other and thus we tend to not say anything when something comes up. While this is okay for minor annoyances that are forgotten a minute later, we have gotten ourselves in trouble a time or two because of it.

We’re working on it, though, and are finding our own happy medium between complete and utter honesty and omission.

While I personally would tell my husband if his apple pie wasn’t so great, I know people who would tell a white lie with no hesitation and have no qualms about doing so.

Where do you draw the line in your relationship? Do you think it helps or hinders? Have you ever been caught in a white lie or caught your partner in one?

Hello everyone and happy Fourth of July! I am not in the States anymore, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten all the fireworks shows, cookouts, and family get togethers on this particular day in July. For everyone who is celebrating, I wish each and every one of you a safe and happy holiday. The fourth is one of the most fun holidays I celebrated when I was back in the States, so I hope you make the best of it.

By the way, if you want to know some interesting things about watermelon, you might want to check out Finally Getting Fit.

This is Friday, which has been a ‘weekend homework’ day in the past. This weekend is easy. Just make the most of the time you spend with family and friends this weekend. Make sure the people who are important to you know how important they are to you. Don’t put things off. Don’t take people/things for granted. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

No, I’m not being morbid or anything. I’m just reminding you – if you need reminding me – to fully appreciate what you have.

And with that, I again wish you a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating. If you’re like me and live outside the US, that doesn’t mean you can’t hold a ‘just because’ celebration anyway and catch up with friends and family. Make it a pot luck and you won’t even have to cook much!

Have a good one.

Last night, the man and I went to bed early to get some cuddle and conversation time, which I always love. After a while of talking about this and that, we were quiet for a bit and I thought.

Then I said, “You know what I love about you? You’re real. You’re you. You’re always you to everyone, no matter who it is.�?

After pondering that for a bit, he wasn’t quite sure that was a good thing or not, so I went on to explain: “You’re real means that you’re not the kind of person to put on ‘faces’ for other people. You are who you are to everyone. There is no fake you that you show when dealing with certain people.�?

After realizing I was trying to compliment him, he still seemed a bit perplexed but happy.

The thing about it was that I wish I could say I am always the true JM no matter who I am talking to. The trouble is that I’m not. I have a phone voice, I act differently around different groups of people, trying to appear tougher or more pleasant or whatever depending on the circumstances.

That’s not to say that behavior – changing a bit depending on who you’re talking to – is always a bad thing, but a lot of the time, it is because you’re not being true.

It’s important in a relationship – in all relationships, really – to just be who you are. It’s much better to be yourself than to have bad times with others when they find out you’re really like this or that.

Are you yourself around everyone? Or do you put on masks for certain people?

Last night, the husband and I went out for some of our favourite – Mongolian BBQ. He’d been late home from work, so it was nice to go out and relax some of the stress away.

As we sat and ate, he told me the reason that he was late was because he had a meeting with a couple other people from his section. The company he works for is setting up a site in another state and he’s needed down there for a weekend to help set up. (My husband is a computer guy. (Purr.)) He’ll fly down and fly back.

I’m used to going on trips with him and it’s pretty well known that I do travel with him. They told him yesterday that they are fine with me going as well so long as I’m okay occupying myself with whatever during work hours. That is absolutely fine with me, but there is just one thing…

We have to pay for my ticket.

While a state to state, domestic, flight shouldn’t cost that much, ‘that much’ could still prove to be too much. Talking with my husband today, I realized that if I don’t go on the trip, it’ll be the first time since I arrived in Australia that we would be apart for a night. (In this case, two or three nights.)

While it’s quite sweet and romantic that we haven’t been apart one night for more than a year and a half, I mentioned to my husband that if we can’t afford the ticket, maybe it would be good for us.

I’m wondering: Have you spent nights apart from your partner? Do you think spending nights apart (for whatever reasons) is a good thing? Or does it not matter?

I sat on the couch with my laptop and Mr. JM sat not far away at his computer. I was getting more and more upset as time passed and began typing an email to one of my friends because I didn’t know what else to do.

I hadn’t been typing long before I realized that complaining to my friend might feel good, but it wouldn’t actually solve anything. So I closed the email without sending it, closed my laptop and then asked Mr. JM if we could talk.

Having a ‘talk’ with your partner is never easy. There is always the chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and making things worse. There is that urge in us to not hurt the other person, so we try to bury feelings and avoid problems rather than face the prospect of hurting or upsetting the other person (or ourselves).

But as I have learned time and time again, avoiding problems and burying feelings doesn’t make them go away. Not by a long shot.

So while it hurt and was incredibly emotionally draining, I am glad my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about our issues so we could start working on things.

Here are some tips on making talks a bit easier:

*Don’t start one when you’re angry. Doing that will almost guarantee you making things worse.

*Eliminate distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, and other distractions. They only give you an excuse to get out of things before they are solved.

*Don’t interrupt.

*Assure your partner that you are truly listening to what s/he is saying by saying things like “I understand that you are upset because…�? and “I know what when I do this, you feel…�?

*Remember, the point of a talk should never be to ‘win’, it should be to be heard.

Do you have any tips for making talks go smoothly?

Just like cuddle time is important in a relationship, so is personal time. Spending all day and every day with your SO is only going to lead to snarling and annoyance if it keeps going on.

Personal time is also important because you should know what makes you, personally, happy in terms of just you, not the relationship. It’s more than easy to get caught up in the wants and needs of your partner and/or the relationship. However, continually giving without taking some time for yourself will only lead to resentment (and worse).

So, to welcome in this dreary day in Oz, here are a few ideas of how to brighten your day and give yourself a bit of a treat (and some self-bonding):

*Meditate. Meditation is great for calming you down, getting you focused and centered, and helping you to concentrate.

*Go to the park. Being outside in the sunshine and nature is a great way to relax and ground yourself. Take a journal with you if you want to write and/or a camera to get some great nature shots.

*Go to the mall/shopping centre. If you’re someone who likes a little retail therapy to refocus, then there is nothing better than going out and having a bit of a shop.

*Go to the library. Almost guaranteed to be quiet, this could be just the place for you to get comfortable and get some reading done.

*Take an extended coffee break. Go to or find a nice local coffee shop and watch the world go by while sipping a yummy cup of coffee.

What do you do to take personal time?

Times are certainly changing, aren’t they? Or rather, they have already changed a lot in the past decades and are continuing to change. We’re thinking differently, acting differently, and doing things differently in regards to relationships.

No longer is there a gasp of horror about couples ‘living in sin’ before marriage. Couples are even taking holidates to give things a go before taking the marriage plunge. You would think most people would regard these as good things along the lines of freedom and ‘trying before buying’ lifestyles.

But are they a good thing?

I think to my own marriage and I know that for my husband and me, the event was not religious. We didn’t get married because we had the ‘living in sin’ thing hanging over us or because it was expected of us for any religious type reasons. We got married because one, the time was right (I made sure of that) and two, because it’s something we’d wanted to do for a long time.

Either way, I would have lived with him beforehand and gone travelling with him beforehand. And I don’t think those things negatively impacted our relationship whatsoever. Nor did it lessen how meaningful our marriage was when it took place. The meaning it had for us was determined by us.

But does it work that way for everyone?

What do you think? What is marriage for you? Does it hold all the religious and spiritual meanings for you or did you get married because ‘that’s just what people do’? Somewhere in between? If you’re married, did you live with your spouse beforehand?

Control isn’t always the easiest thing to talk about because it varies from couple to couple. On one extreme you have Dominants and submissives. On the other end you have married couples who split all the bills 50/50, do what they want, and somehow still make it all work.

So when I talk about it, I’m talking about those in the middle. Those who need at least some control, which is a natural part of having a relationship.

Yesterday I talked about a friend who emailed me while she was feeling crappy about her current situation. I saw her lacking control over the elements of her life and could relate to how she was feeling. When people try to control things that are distinctly your territory (your career path, your clothes, your hair cut, your hobbies) conflict arises.

There is a lot of give and take in all relationship areas. One of those areas is control and you both need to find a balance that works for you.

When I came to Australia, one of the first things my husband did was help me set up my own private bank account. One he has absolutely no access to. Therein was my first taste of something completely within my control, and I never looked back. After that came my career choices, clothing choices, etc.

While we discussed some of these choices, never did he once try to control what I was doing. And why should he? Those are the areas of my life that are personal to me and should be my choices. As should what line of work he wants to do is.

It’s all about balance.

Do you feel you have control in your relationship? Are you happy with the amount of control you have (or don’t have)?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Recently, a friend emailed me while feeling very emotional about her current situation. I read her email and just about cried because I knew what she was going through. Not down to the exact elements of the situation but in the overall feelings, I could definitely relate.

When I was growing up, there wasn’t much I had control over. I suppose I could have tried to take control, but due to certain elements of my past, I did what I thought was expected of me. Be nice. Get good grades. Try to be an overachiever. Bring a good reputation to the family name. So on and so forth.

While there are those from my past who will disagree, I was primarily submissive. I wanted to just get things done that were expected of me and find what peace I could in life.

Having that little amount of control in my life was not good. It eventually affected all parts of my life, including mood. It got to the point of being so bad that big changes had to be made for me to survive and have the life I wanted. To have the control I needed.

While not having control of anything in life is appealing to the select few, most of us like to be part of a team in relationships. Give and take. I control my activities, you control yours, we work together to make them mesh nicely. It’s when someone tries to tip the balances of control that the problems happen…

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

As the time draws nearer for me to find out if I will be working at the same company my husband works for, my mind wanders to the subject of working with your significant other…

Ever since I announced my intention to apply for the job, I have received a lot of support. I volunteer there regularly, so many people know my work style already. However, I have had a few comments come my way about working with my husband.

We wouldn’t be working directly together on a daily basis at all. I would be in reception and he works in the information services and technologies section. (Otherwise known as ‘he works at the help desk’.) I might need to call on him from time to time to help me with something, but that’s about it.

Even so, we still have had comments, laughs, and head shaking at the though of a husband and wife working together – even in different sections on opposite sites of the building.

I personally believe that we would be just fine. We can put aside our personal squabbles to get things done when they need to be done. But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I can’t really know until it happens?

So I’m wondering:

Could you ever work with your significant other? If only in certain circumstances, what circumstances? Could you put yourself in a professional enough mindset to not let personal disputes effect working together? Do you think you would have an easy time but your partner wouldn’t? Vice versa?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Growing up, I often heard the phrase, “You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.�? There are different variations on exactly how it’s said, but basically, the bottom line came down to needing to love yourself before you can have a true loving relationship with someone else.

When I met my husband, that phrase haunted me. Neither of us had particularly great self-images and we were both surprised to have found such great love and caring in each other. Our relationship faced its trials and bumps along the way, but we grew ever stronger.

And yet I didn’t feel particularly loving towards myself. I didn’t hate myself by any means, but I wasn’t about to start spoiling myself either.

In fact, I can honestly say that it’s in large part to our not so great self-images that we were very careful about treating each other well and being sensitive to each other’s feelings. It helped us develop the strong relationship that we enjoy today.

But doesn’t that go against the saying? Shouldn’t we still be hanging out with the other singles, trying to develop some smidgen of self love?

I don’t think so. I think it depends on the people. If you want a relationship with some people, you do need to love yourself and be confident. With other people, there is room for a little insecurity.

What do you think? Is it necessary to love yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Or does loving yourself just make a good thing better?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I was recently invited to participate in a relationship meme and, well, I have a hard time resisting memes, tags, etc. So here is a love question from Being Pursued and my answer to it.

Welcome to Love Q #1. For this week, just imagine you are being pursued by someone but you are absolutely not interested in his or her advances. I have come across the different manners that people do to send out the message that they are not interested but lets hear it from you.

So, the question:

If you are being romantically pursued but you are not interested, what would you do to let the person know? For instance, would you be direct and blunt or would you drop hints?

This has actually happened to me more than once, believe it or not.

The first time, I did exactly the wrong thing: I went out with the guy even though I wasn’t really interested. I just couldn’t bear to make him feel bad by saying no and he was a good friend. I thought maybe something might happen. (What can you say? I was a lot younger.)

These days I’m definitely a bit more direct. I’m not as outrageous when I flirt so as to avoid these kind of awkward situations. The easiest way to get out of anything like that is to mention my husband or something related to him so I can eventually bring him up.

If I was single… Eh, I’d go the hints way first, but not for long. I’m too impatient to dance around the issue like that.

What about you? Are you a direct Doris or a bit of a shy hint-dropper?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I always love my husband (I don’t always ‘like’ him, hehe) but there are times when I make his life not so easy. It is in those times that my husband tends to shine through (with a few good natured jabs at my expense to make sure I don’t feel too sorry for myself for long).

Due to my past, I am not bashful about saying I have a lot of issues to deal with. This doesn’t always make for smooth relationship sailing. Yet, even with all these ‘rocks’ along our relationship path, my husband takes it all in stride.

As much as this is sounding like a newlywed still in the ‘rosy glow’ love stage, I promise that’s not what I’m getting at.

As relationships progress, the intricate dance of reach and withdraw becomes more important. In the first months of our relationship, I put my husband in the place of reach a lot. While he understands why I was like that, he taught me that I need to take up the position of reach more often so we have balance in our relationship.

As with many things, there is a scale effect; if you are always reaching, then you will become worn out and feel like you’re giving 100% in the relationship while your partner is not. If you are constantly withdrawing, you’re making your partner feel that way.

Either way, you need to examine what’s going on inside you and what you and your partner can do to get things back into balance.

Do you feel your relationship as balanced? Do you identify yourself more as a reach or withdraw? What do you do to try to maintain the balance?