Long Relationships

Growing up, I often heard the phrase, “You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.” There are different variations on exactly how it’s said, but basically, the bottom line came down to needing to love yourself before you can have a true loving relationship with someone else.

When I met my husband, that phrase haunted me. Neither of us had particularly great self-images and we were both surprised to have found such great love and caring in each other. Our relationship faced its trials and bumps along the way, but we grew ever stronger.

And yet I didn’t feel particularly loving towards myself. I didn’t hate myself by any means, but I wasn’t about to start spoiling myself either.

In fact, I can honestly say that it’s in large part to our not so great self-images that we were very careful about treating each other well and being sensitive to each other’s feelings. It helped us develop the strong relationship that we enjoy today.

But doesn’t that go against the saying? Shouldn’t we still be hanging out with the other singles, trying to develop some smidgen of self love?

I don’t think so. I think it depends on the people. If you want a relationship with some people, you do need to love yourself and be confident. With other people, there is room for a little insecurity.

What do you think? Is it necessary to love yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Or does loving yourself just make a good thing better?

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I was recently invited to participate in a relationship meme and, well, I have a hard time resisting memes, tags, etc. So here is a love question from Being Pursued and my answer to it.

Welcome to Love Q #1. For this week, just imagine you are being pursued by someone but you are absolutely not interested in his or her advances. I have come across the different manners that people do to send out the message that they are not interested but lets hear it from you.

So, the question:

If you are being romantically pursued but you are not interested, what would you do to let the person know? For instance, would you be direct and blunt or would you drop hints?

This has actually happened to me more than once, believe it or not.

The first time, I did exactly the wrong thing: I went out with the guy even though I wasn’t really interested. I just couldn’t bear to make him feel bad by saying no and he was a good friend. I thought maybe something might happen. (What can you say? I was a lot younger.)

These days I’m definitely a bit more direct. I’m not as outrageous when I flirt so as to avoid these kind of awkward situations. The easiest way to get out of anything like that is to mention my husband or something related to him so I can eventually bring him up.

If I was single… Eh, I’d go the hints way first, but not for long. I’m too impatient to dance around the issue like that.

What about you? Are you a direct Doris or a bit of a shy hint-dropper?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I always love my husband (I don’t always ‘like’ him, hehe) but there are times when I make his life not so easy. It is in those times that my husband tends to shine through (with a few good natured jabs at my expense to make sure I don’t feel too sorry for myself for long).

Due to my past, I am not bashful about saying I have a lot of issues to deal with. This doesn’t always make for smooth relationship sailing. Yet, even with all these ‘rocks’ along our relationship path, my husband takes it all in stride.

As much as this is sounding like a newlywed still in the ‘rosy glow’ love stage, I promise that’s not what I’m getting at.

As relationships progress, the intricate dance of reach and withdraw becomes more important. In the first months of our relationship, I put my husband in the place of reach a lot. While he understands why I was like that, he taught me that I need to take up the position of reach more often so we have balance in our relationship.

As with many things, there is a scale effect; if you are always reaching, then you will become worn out and feel like you’re giving 100% in the relationship while your partner is not. If you are constantly withdrawing, you’re making your partner feel that way.

Either way, you need to examine what’s going on inside you and what you and your partner can do to get things back into balance.

Do you feel your relationship as balanced? Do you identify yourself more as a reach or withdraw? What do you do to try to maintain the balance?

This is another one of those posts where I reveal just how newly married my husband and I are…

I feel like I have been running behind on pretty much everything this week, and I have been hurrying to not only try to catch up but also get ahead. Even with all the work thoughts swimming through my head, one thing has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks…

My first wedding anniversary.

This queen of giving presents and creating a good time for people has found herself intimidated a bit by the prospect of the first wedding anniversary. I also have the feeling my husband is as well, poor guy.

I would like to make the day (and night) very special and memorable, but I’m curious as to what other people have done for their anniversaries. What other people have done to celebrate the occasion.

So, this is a call out to everyone who has been married for more than a year (or celebrating wedding-like anniversaries yearly): What did you do on your first wedding anniversary? Did you exchange presents? Go on a holiday? Spend the day in bed?

Yes, I have ulterior motives in asking – I reckon the more ideas I have, the better the chances I have of giving my husband a day/night he will never forget. So if you’d like to help me with ideas that you haven’t done yourself, feel free to leave those in the comments as well!

As much as I hate the way we tend to commercialize every aspect of life these days, I think this is actually a pretty good idea…

According to this article from the Los Angeles Times, a new fad is starting up with couples: road testing relationships with icebreaker vacations. These getting to know you trips are becoming the norm.

More and more couples are going on short holidays together, and the hotel and tourism industries are definitely beginning to notice. Fairmont, a chain of hotels, has begun offering specific packages designed just for new couples which include things like romantic dinners and adventure outings.

And why not? You get the opportunity to ‘live’ together for a while without having been put out time and hard work if the relationship doesn’t work. While the Fairmont (and the others who follow suit) are undoubtedly making a lot of money, it is helping couples test the waters of their relationships in what I think is a sensible way.

My first holiday with my husband was a week long and about three months after I arrived in Australia. While we knew each other quite well from our online dating and then time spent physically together, there were still a few things I learned about him while travelling. And he learned about me as well – especially about how much sight-seeing I can do before I get exhausted.

What do you think? Do you wish you would have had a holidate/icebreaker vacation with your partner or your previous partners? Do you think it would have made a difference?

When I began planning my wedding, the word quickly spread around the office where my husband works. He’d long been though the ultimate bachelor (or married by some unattached women) and so word of his marriage came as a shock to many. That he was marrying someone much younger than him from the States… Well, it’s not surprising to hear people still talking about our wedding.

A woman who worked for the same company heard that I was planning the wedding on my own without even so much as female friends in the physical vicinity. She decided that was wrong and took it into her hands to help me out with the planning.

She didn’t have a daughter and was very excited to ‘adopt’ me. Having cut most ties to my family, I was feeling a bit lost and welcomed a motherly touch in my life.

Things went a bit astray. What she and I thought we wanted in our lives turned out to be the case. I was a bit mature and the non-shopping type to play true daughter, and I was beginning to realize that if my biological mother wasn’t going to be the mother I needed in my life, I certainly wasn’t interested in bringing in someone new to replace her.

The wedding went well and I appreciate everything she did for me, but even now things are a bit awkward between us because we’re not quite sure how to be around each other. We had expectations for each other that turned out to be not what either of us wanted and that hinders us from becoming close friends now.

With time and effort we can become close friends. However, I have learned to not step into relationships with expectations and that replacements never work…

Relationships are the things that can completely define our lives. Some we choose, some we don’t, but we maintain a level of control with all of them. Sometimes it doesn’t always feel like we have any control in some relationships, and that’s where the problem starts.

It may feel silly to say that your spouse is a bit of a bully or that you don’t know what to do because your parents make you feel awful but they’re you’re parents so you should love them…but you definitely aren’t alone when it comes to these type of things.

When you talk about your life and the reasons behind what you do, the term ‘should’ will probably come out of your mouth a few times. It’s the ‘should’ that alerts you to training that you received growing up. “I should love my parents unconditionally. I should obey my husband.”

It’s because of this training – the ‘shoulds’ in our lives – that we often stay in unhealthy relationships even though part (or all) of us knows that the relationship is bad for us. But it’s not exactly easy to reach out for help – especially with all those ‘shoulds’ floating around in our heads and the feelings of being silly or over sensitive.

If you’re concerned about a friend, family or romantic relationship in your life, one place you might want to start is at ReachOut.com.au where they have an awesome list of fact sheets about all kinds of relationships. They provide the basics on information about romantic and non-romantic relationships.

I hope you find it useful.

Sometimes, you just have to take some time away.

Couples sometimes forget that relationships to involve work. Work is a term we associate with certain non-relationship things, though, so we forget. We forget that changing for people is work. Learning to communicate more effectively is work. Balancing work, love, family, and friendship is work.

There is a lot of work involved in relationships, but the benefits of work are some of the greatest you’ll ever experience.

Then again, you don’t really need me to tell you that, do you?

On the subject of taking time away, that’s probably one of the things couples do less and less these days. There are so many responsibilities, and with rising costs, taking time off work and spending money for pleasure doesn’t always seem the most practical thing to do.

However, it is necessary to remember that work and money aren’t nearly as important as the relationships we have – and often take for granted.

Having had a bit of a stressful time lately, both with work and home life, my husband and I are taking advantage of the long holiday and are going camping.

Yes, you say, that may be all fine and well with you, but I have responsibilities.

Yes, any holiday brings with it responsibility and you might not be able to get away. However, if you’re the one hosting dinner, egg hunt, etc and it’s nothing but a stress for you (and thus for your partner), then you might want to ask why you’re doing it.

A lot of us impose responsibilities on ourselves because self-expectation and family expectations. But in the end, the pendulum of care has to swing back towards ‘me’ sometimes.

Weigh your options this week and figure out the best time to take some time away with your partner.

Perhaps you met online. Got married ‘quickly’. Perhaps you both have different religious beliefs. Maybe you’re one half of an interracial relationship. Or maybe, your ages are just a little too far apart for people not to talk about you.

No matter what it is, big or small, you’re likely to face someone saying something about your relationship. People tend to judge, especially if someone is going against what they feel is ‘proper and right’. The key to a long relationship is not only not letting these judgments get to you but also talking about how they make you feel.

The thing about people judging you is that if you get told something often enough, you start to believe it. It’s happened to many people, including myself. If you have someone in your life continuously telling you your partner’s beliefs are wrong or that you and your partner are just too different to each other and you don’t talk about how it makes you feel with your partner (and that person) then you’ll end up internalizing it, possibly putting your relationship in crisis.

This isn’t to say everyone who has something negative to say about your relationship has no idea what they are talking about, but there is a point at which comments of concerns turn into being hurtful and not at all constructive.

By talking to the person or people who is/are making the comments, you’re being honest about how you feel as well as establishing boundaries. No one has the right to make you feel bad and this life shouldn’t be wasted on people who are negative influences.

Talking about it with your partner can not only help you maintain a level of openness and honest with your partner, but perhaps your partner has heard those comments as well. Not talking about the things that bother you can drive a wedge between you and your partner. Why not share the burden and talk about possible solutions?

The bottom is there are a lot of people out there who like to go on about negative things and not even your relationship is sacred. The sooner you address those people and those issues, the faster you can move on with your lives. Use this as a way to strengthen your relationship, not chip away at it.

When you are having an argument, your goal should never be to win; your goal should be to be heard. – Dr. Phil

Why, thank you Dr. Phil. I couldn’t agree with you more.

When I first heard Dr. Phil say that (yes, occasionally I like to indulge in daytime television) I thought it was a perfect quote for this site.

When it comes to relationships, one of the hardest things to deal with can be arguments. Things are said that weren’t meant. Stinging comments are remembered. Emotional scarring happens easily and forgiveness happens only with a lot of work.

But as any relationship guru, therapist, or experienced partner will tell you, arguing is normal. If it never happens, you have to worry.

Even so, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument.

While it’s not always easy, try to keep these things in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner.

1. Don’t yell. Yelling is just one more thing that is going to make all parties involved feel threatened and upset. Don’t yell. Especially if there are children in the house.
2. Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and will most often just make things a lot worse.
3. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements just make the other person feel attacked and accused.
4. Remember that this is not the end of the world. Remembering this will help take some of the steam out of your anger. Yes, you’re mad now, but you won’t be mad forever. You can work this out.

You’ve heard the old saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” right? Well, there is a reason this saying has survived for so many years.

It’s true.

However, as any dieter on this planet will tell you – moderation is key. You still need to spend quality time with your spouse/significant other if you don’t want things to fizzle out.

Do you want to wake up in a few years and realize you’re only doing things the way you are because “it works for now” and “it’s easy”? Passion isn’t always easy, but it’s good to have and keep going in a relationship.

Last night on television I saw a news clip about parents using shock treatment to deal with out of control kids. I sat there and thought, “Is this what society has brought us to? Medication and shock treatment to deal with kids we no longer have time to deal with?”

I by no means want to insult any parent who has a kid who is so out of control they feel they have no other way to go, but this is a horrifying thing. And if we don’t have time to care for our children without such extreme measures, then how are we supposed to have times to cultivate meaningful and long-lasting relationships?

Here are five ways to help you rekindle romance or keep it going when your life becomes about meetings, kids, homework, etc.

1.) Bring flowers/a beer/etc home. She might ask what you did wrong or he might not thank you, but “just because” surprises let your someone know you are thinking about him/her.

2.) Massages! Massages are not only erotic, they show you care, make your other feel good, and helps you to bond through touch.

3.) This sort of goes along the lines of number one but a little different. Bring home or cook his/her favorite food. My husband loves oysters and I bring them home as a surprise treat every now and then for him to enjoy. I love them to, so we can sit back for a few minutes and “mmm” about it.

4.) E-cards are easy, fun, and you can find thousands of them on the internet. They can be sexy, sweet, funny, or a combination of those. Talking/no talking, music/no music… Some you can even personalize with your own photos! E-cards are a quick, easy, and FREE way to make someone else’s day brighter.

5.) Write a letter. You can take as much time as you want, writing a few sentences now and then. Write a long letter to the one you love about how much they mean in your life, how much you appreciate him/her, and/or just saying you were thinking about him/her. Then send it to his/her workplace, put it as a nice surprise in the glove compartment of the car, or send it to your own address and let him/her grab the mail for the next couple of days.

Valentines Day is tomorrow, and I think one of the best, most heartfelt presents is a love letter.

I put this letter up today not because I have something else planned for tomorrow but to make a point. Valentines Day is a lovely reminder to celebrate how much you appreciate the ones you love, but you should never let a day pass by with your partner not absolutely sure of how much you love him/her. Take advantage of time, and though it’s hard sometimes, try to greet each day as if it’s your last with your partner.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dear man of mine,

I love you. I know I tell you every day (sometimes it must seem like every five minutes), but every time I say it I mean the words with all of my heart.

Things haven’t excatly been easy for us. Frustrations have been the name of the game lately, but like we’ve made it through before, I know we can keep making it through. I know we can get everything we want out of life. It might take a while, but we can do it.

I want you to know that this Valentines Day is, for me, full of thoughts of everything you’ve done for me lately. I can never truly express how much it means to me that you’ve been taking care of me like you have. I’m not always the easiest person to have around, and yet you think more of me than yourself.

I notice, and I love you for it. I always will.

Come what may, love.

Love always,

Yours

Welcome back to Long Relationships. I hope you enjoyed our guests last week, and I hope you get the book. I’m reading it, and it’s fantastic so far.

As you probably know very well, this week is Valentine’s Day week.

When I was younger (and single), Valentines Day represented…not a lot to me. I was never one of those people who thought Valentines Day was created by evil to make single people to feel miserable.

Valentines Day is a day for couples to celebrate their love for each other. But it’s also a day you can celebrate friendship, your love for your children, and other forms of love. A lot of people don’t see past the couple aspect of the day, though.

So, this Valentines Day, remember to be sensitive to your single friends (maybe send some anonymous flowers or chocolates?) while you’re busy focusing on the happiness you have with your significant other.

And if you’re single, then don’t let the day get you down! There are plenty of Valentines Day alternatives (girls movie night, anyone?) for people who don’t have that ‘other’ to celebrate with yet. Enjoy the day and the weekend, be happy for those who have found their loves and let the day be an encouragement instead of depressing if you haven’t found your love yet!

Hugs and love to everyone this week. Have fun and try to behave.

Don’t forget: If you want the chance to win a copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire then check out this post!

This week we have been talking about couples and weight. I have been thinking for a while about how I wanted to close this subject (for now) in a way that relates to relationships in general. What’s the bottom line that truly connects it all together?

Support.

In relationships, in weight loss, and in many other things, support is what will keep you going. Support is what will help you to accept your mistakes instead of letting your mistakes rule you.

Weight loss is very hard. Everyone who is heavy is heavy for a reason. Sometimes someone just truly loves good food and flavours. Other time, overeating is a coping mechanism that grows into a habit the person keeps whether or not they are still getting over the original issue.

Psychology is – or should be – as much of a part of weight loss as exercise is. Unfortunately, we still rely on pills, try to find the quick fix, address the physical and not the mental or emotionally, and everything else to avoid addressing the underlying issues.

That’s where the strong support of a partner (family member, or friend) comes in. A supporting partner will be there to be strong when the other person simply can’t. A supporting partner can make the difference in a day of depression versus a week or even a month.

So for those of you out there who have overweight partners, encourage your partner to live a healthier (and thus likely longer) life no matter how much it may hurt his/her feelings at the time. Encourage your partner in all his/her weight loss goals.

And be there when your partner starts uncovering the reasons behind being overweight.

Because when you’re trying to lose weight, a strong support in your life is worth more than anything else in the world.

PS. If you’re trying to lose weight, never ever be afraid to admit you want/ask for help.

49% of Australians are overweight. 64% of Americans are overweight or obese. It’s not a huge surprise that there are plenty of couples out there who have a significant weight difference between them.

(When I use the word ’significant’ I mean that the weight difference is noticeable physically.)

While there are different things to deal with for both the thinner partner and the obese partner, I am not going to pretend I have experience with being the thinner partner. I don’t mean to make thinner partners feel neglected by me on this subject or on this site; I simply don’t have the experience to talk about it.

What the thinner partner needs to know about having an obese partner is that the obese partner has a lot of stress just being obese. For all the people in this world that are obese, people are still so entirely obsessed with being thin that even obese people who go to gyms to lose weight get dirty looks from thinner gym patrons.

Take that and add on being with someone who is thinner than you. Wondering if people are looking at you and wondering what you are doing with your partner. Yes, it happens. Even I have gone to the restroom, looked in the mirror, and wondered if people see me and my husband and wonder why he’s with me.

That’s not to say that you (the thinner partner) are a constant stress on your partner by any means. That’s not the case whatsoever. However, it does mean that you need to be sensitive to your partner.

*Don’t complain about being/feeling fat.
*Don’t talk about the meals you’ve had while you’re not with your partner.
*Don’t engage in making jokes – or even little pet names to do with weight – at your partner’s expense.

If you are the overweight partner and have problems with things your partner is saying or doing remember to speak up. Don’t let things pass by simply because it’s your partner saying them instead of someone else. If anything, your partner should be more sensitive than other people.