Long Relationships

As I have mentioned, this past week or two, I have been feeling overwhelmed. Between work and regular life things, all I want to do is run screaming to the hills for a week of quiet and relaxation.

Unfortunately, I have too much to do to run off just yet.

With breaks for little things, I pretty much worked all through this past weekend. A last minute trip the week of the 27th has come up – but isn’t for sure yet – so the pressure I was feeling before pretty much doubled. So I worked in order to not get flooded by stress.

While I’m feeling good about all the work I got done – plus some work done on personal projects – I still felt the little knot in my belly pretty much all weekend. And that, wonderful readers, is the time when Mr. JM really shines.

By now, Mr. JM is used to things that I most often get behind on (book reviews) and what stresses me the most. Without being asked, without me muttering a peep about wishing I didn’t have to work on the weekend, I had not one but three emails pop up in my inbox.

The first was a link to a funny video. (One of my jobs is writing for a video website.) The second was a poem to put up here when I start getting into long friendships with pets. The third was a book review (yay!).

And all without me having to ask.

Now I feel bad because I need to get more creative than the usual ‘bring some beer and a nice, big salmon cutlet home’ to thank him. Hehe.

Melbourne, it appears, is being nice to me this winter and breaking up the monotony of overcast days with sunny ones quite regularly. Given I start to get moody after a certain number of cloudy days, this has been fantastic for me.

The Bloke (Mr. JM) and I took advantage of the sunshine on Sunday and got out for a walk.

After a stop at the shops where I perved on some cooking equipment (I later bought a loaf pan for a bread pudding), we picked up some sushi and headed to the park. One of the things I love about Australia is that, even in our grotty little suburb, we have a lovely park to go to.

We sat on our usual bench, smiled at the rednecks screaming at each other on the other side of the park, ate sushi (well, I ate a piece of salmon – no rice for me) and then debated what to do for the rest of the day. After talking about how much we would kick each other’s arses at Frisbee, we set off and played a game.

What a lovely way to spend the afternoon! The sun was still shining, so I could run around in my t-shirt. I kind of suck as Frisbee, but The Bloke didn’t make too much fun of me.

We then walked around town, stopping in a couple shops, and then headed home – happily exhausted.

Unfortunately all the activity has led to The Bloke flaring up his sensitive back, but we both reckon it was more than worth it to have such a fun day out and about.

I hope everyone else had a nice weekend.

I was responding to comments the other night and came across Little Miss Fatty’s Pants weight loss blog. While she is struggling a little bit with things right now, she has taken that all-important step of deciding to make her life a better, longer, healthier one.

I was looking through her past posts, and there was one that contained a letter to her boyfriend.

While her letter was a short one, it conveyed the love she has for her boyfriend and the appreciation she has for him looking out for her.

Well, that inspired me to write a thank-you to my husband…

Dear Mr. JM,

Me

Ah, the age old struggle. Let’s face it, no matter how wonderful you think your relationship is with your mom, it’s still a struggle on some levels.

It starts with friendships as a teen. Dating as a young adult. Which usually leads to marriage. Then the final step of becoming a mother yourself.

What am I talking about, you ask? Throughout the stages of your life, the relationship with your mother changes. Most often for the better, but sometimes for the worst.

As a teen, we are expanding our wings and creating new bonds and friendships. While your mom may be supporting these new ventures outwardly, happy that you are growing, inwardly she is jealous of any and all new people in your life. My mom admitted this to me before I got married. She was jealous of anyone else I had in my life.

When we start dating, and eventually get married, the relationship takes a dramatic turn. No longer is your mother the center of your world. No more does she hold the highest rung of our affection ladder. There is a new person in our lives that takes up our time, devotion, and love. Do we love our mothers less? Of course not. But think about it. For the majority of our lives, our mothers have been the cornerstone, everything that is stable. Now there is someone else offering that security, love, and devotion.

And oh boy, once the kids arrives, it will never be the same. Why? Well, my mom told me that now I’m a new person. She is seeing herself in me back when she first had my brother and I. It also puts her in that rare position of seeing how HER mother felt when she had us. Now she is in this new role of Grandmother and has to sit back and not try to tell me what to do. It doesn’t always work, but she tries.

The point is, our relationships with our mothers change dramatically from the time we are kids until we are adults. For many people, it can still be a strong bond. For others, the strength to walk away is what is needed. Nothing is ever easy. Throughout my years, I have changed and so has my mom. Circumstances have led us to fall away from each, come back, and everything in between. I haven’t always liked her, but I’ve always loved her.

I don’t know that I have the magical answer for maintaining a relationship with my own mother. Sometimes, as we grew, the veil between our ‘idea’ of our mother and the ‘reality’ is lifted and it can be life changing. I think the most important thing to remember is that we have to change together. For me, it hasn’t been easy. We butt heads but we are trying.

When your mother is being a royal you-know-what, just take a breath and remember that this all new territory for her too. And if that doesn’t help, screen your phone calls.

Jenera is always kind enough to write about the topics I would like to cover on Long Relationships but don’t yet have the personal experience yet to do so. Please welcome her back to the site.

Every one talks about how important bonding with your new baby is. Without bonding, your child could potentially be at risk for failure to thrive-which basically means they aren’t progressing health wise as they should. That emotional bond between a mother and baby is essential. Not just for the baby but for the mother as well.

When I had both my boys, I bonded fairly quickly with them. There was some concern I’d be at risk for post partum depression given my history. My family even joked about if I’d be able to bond and if I’d toss them in the river like those crazy mothers from the news. It hurt me to think that my own family didn’t have enough faith in me.

I shouldn’t have worried. When I first saw my boys, it clicked instantly. They were mine and I was theirs. Sure, there was an adjustment period, especially with my first. I had my rough times when I didn’t even want to be in the same room as them. But I stuck it out. I am by nature not a people person and only show affection with a select few. With my boys, I tell them I love them every day and hug and kiss them whenever I get the chance. Maybe others don’t see it. But my boys know I love them.

What is important to remember is that bonding with a newborn is not like they say in the books. Not usually anyway. I feel any mother will have those moments when they feel disconnected from their baby. No new mother should stress about bonding, it will come naturally. It doesn’t require any tips or tricks. And regardless of what you may hear, breastfeeding mothers do not have an edge to the whole bonding thing.

How do you know you’ve bonded successfully? Easy. When you look into your child’s eyes and you can feel their love for you, you’ve made it. It’s that unconditional love where they only know the best of you and don’t care about the worst. They need you and you need them. Bonds are meant to never be broken and with your new baby, you have a brand new shot and establishing a life long relationship.

By Barbara Waters of Knitting Passions

JM has asked me to share just how two people can/could/have been married for as long as my husband and I have.

Whew! Tall order. It has taken me a bit to gather my thoughts in order to write this. You see, on any given day, either hubby or I might be willing to toss in the towel on our relationship. There are THOSE days when one or the other of us has just really had it up to HERE . . . and, given the right moment, or right suggestion, might just say “I am so outta here.”

And yet, there IS something still that keeps us together.

Hubby and I met while we were sophomores – in different schools. His best friend was dating my best friend and they decided we should meet. His buddy said “let’s go to a football game with R and B.” She told me it was a blind date with R’s buddy A. You can imagine where this might be going, right?

We met at R’s house, were driven by his dad to their high school for the game. All during the game I wondered why A was not paying any attention to me – and I was getting just a bit peeved and hurt. It didn’t help that as we walked from the field afterwards I tripped in a gopher hole and he laughed (!) and didn’t even wait to help me up.

I did NOT want to see him again. (I think the feeling was mutual)

Fast forward several months and the four of us double dated (this time it was called a date by all four) to the museum on the local university campus. There was an Egyptian display complete with mummy. I got my first ever kiss behind the mummy. Last year hubby and I took our oldest granddaughter to see that mummy and she insisted we reenact the kiss for posterity. (and pictures)

We became engaged after graduation. Eleven months later we were married.

That was 1969. Yes, we were babies - and the pictures show that.

Over the past forty years we have had our ups and downs – we’ve fought and made up – we’ve grown together and grown apart and grown together again.

There have been several life changes, physical changes, and family changes. We moved thousands of miles away from “home” (Ohio) to HOME (Alaska) to make a better life for out daughters.

And, through all of those . . . there have been those days when all was right in the relationship and those days when it was throw in the towel time. We’ve faced them all with humor and sensitivity, although not always both of us at the same time.

We tell each other and our friends that the secret of being married forty years is simply, lying down together each night and getting up together each morning. Sometimes it really is as simple as that.

It’s a Fling Thing
By Kimberly Dawn Neumann,
Co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

No doubt hook-ups happen. And sometimes they can be okay, but you must have both eyes wide open prior to taking a bedside tumble. In other words, before you get jiggy with that hottie you just met, ask yourself the following questions to keep your sex-pectations in check.

1. Am I doing this for the right reasons? If your reason for a fling includes trying to wipe out the memory of an ex or perhaps trying to get a date to like you as something more well, chances are you should be keeping your clothes on. If you think that having a fling will help you forget a love gone wrong, remember that if you’re emotionally fragile, it may have the opposite effect (i.e. you’ll spend the whole time comparing this person to your ex and then later on likely crying over what once was — rebounds rarely erase “ex” sex memories).

And if you think that having sex with someone will make them like you if you’re on the fence keep this in mind . . . sometimes sex is just sex. It might mean something to you but be more of an athletic outlet to someone else. In other words, the ONLY way to say “yes” to this is if you truly think you’ll be okay if you never hear from the person again. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for emotional disaster after the physical pleasure is over.

2. Am I picking an appropriate flinger? In other words, deciding to “do it” with your best friend just because you’re both single and horny may not be the wisest choice. “Friends with benefits” can become dangerous territory . . . especially if you’ve been friends for a while. Here’s the thing, once you cross THAT line, your relationship will be different 12 hours later . . . guaranteed. So, make sure you’re prepared for the consequences of whatever happens with whomever things happen.

If this is a friendship you cannot afford to lose, then you might want to think twice (especially if there is any imbibing involved). Same thing goes for work colleagues. On the flip side, picking a total stranger at a bar may not be the best option either. What do you really know about this person? It’s important to keep personal boundaries in mind.

However, let’s say you meet someone you’re attracted to and you know that you two won’t be a long-term match but you can foresee some special times spent together over a season (i.e. summer romance perhaps), well . . . then as long as you go in knowing the parameters and you’re okay with the fact that this fling might prevent you from meeting Mr. or Miss Right since you’re “sort of” involved, then . . . the choice is yours.

3. Am I safe and protected? This is pretty much the MOST important fling thing. It’s fine to have spontaneous fun but not if the repercussions of that decision negatively impact your health or life forever. Be smart, use protection and never go home with anyone about whom you have ANY reservations. Listen to your instincts . . . they’re probably right.

4. Am I equipped to handle the situation if my emotions DO get involved? Here’s the thing . . . even with the best of intentions, hormones can get involved. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the love hormone, can trick you into thinking you’re suddenly crazy about someone after you’ve done the deed just because the hormone is released when you’re intimate.

Don’t try to make a relationship out of a no-win situation just because he or she is amazing in bed. The other attributes must be in place too. That said if your fling turns into more and you’re both on the same page about it . . . congratulations. Sometimes life hands you little surprises. But recognize that if it’s not a two-way street well . . . that is the risk you took the minute you decided to take things to another level.

If you have any reservations or think you might be crushed if your fling doesn’t turn into something else, better to say “no thank you” and look for something more lasting. Because remember, it’s your heart that you’re playing with and ultimately, the goal is happiness, not heartbreak. Fling wisely!

©2009 Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Author Bio
Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is a Broadway performer and highly credited dating/sex/relationship writer. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, Maxim, and more. She lives in New York City.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

With most couples, it is fairly easy to be separate in your work lives because you are literally separate – different jobs. However, interesting times do come up when you marry a coworker, your spouse comes to work where you work and/or, like in my case, you volunteer where your spouse works.

My husband works at the head office of a large company. Pretty much everyone at the head office (and quite a few people in the regional locations) know who I am and have met me personally. And have also eaten something I’ve baked. (I love baking cookies.)

I come in every now and then to help various people with tasks that are within their abilities but not within their budgeted time.

At one point, I did apply for a job there, but I didn’t get it.

If there are any rules I have learned about work etiquette, they are:

1. Keep kisses to a minimum. Even a kiss on the cheek around the wrong person can be the beginning of rumors, complaints or worse.

2. Keep pet names to a minimum. The least that will happen (especially if your SO is a guy) is that your love will be made fun of for many weeks to come.

3. Keep your hands to yourself. A shoulder pat is fine, but if that is going to tempt you to do more, just keep your hands to yourself. Even in an easy going work environment, things can always be taken the wrong way.

4. Give each other space. This is an important feature of any relationship, but it is especially important in a work environment. In the end, you’re both there to work.

Are there any more work relationship etiquette rules you’ve learned?

While times have been good in the M household, things have also been a little tough. But one of the things that I love the most about my husband is that I know, no matter anything-in-the-universe what, he is there for me when I need him.

My health has been very frustrating to me lately. It’s nothing life-threatening, but it’s on that seemingly massive to-solve list before we can get with the baby-making. Thankfully, Mother’s Day was a non-issue for me as far as emotions go, but it is always frustrating to be told, “You can’t.”

A lot of times, I ignore what I’m feeling in order to get my work done. I don’t have time to be sorting out feelings when I’m behind in this, need to take care of that, so on and so forth. That, of course, isn’t healthy, and I often end up working until the pressure bursts.

But that’s when my husband is there. He wipes away my tears, tells me not to get snot on his clothes, and helps me do the things I need to do to get by. Sometimes he has solutions, sometimes he doesn’t – but that’s not what matters. The most important thing is that he’s there and cares.

I know, I know. You’ve all well and truly learned all this in your relationships. It’s not exactly a new lesson. I just can’t help but talk about it.

Last night, as I tried to stop myself from crying and Mr. JM rocked me, whispering that it’s not my fault things are happening the way they are, I felt loved in a way I’ve never felt loved before. A way I never thought I could feel loved before Mr. JM came along.

So I guess I’m just having one of those gushy moments.

I believe there are two levels of knowing things.

You can know things on the surface. Someone tells you something that you take for truth, you read certain facts or statistics, etc…

You can also know things, truly know them, and the only way to know things on that level is to experience them for yourself.

So while I am probably going to list some things that I knew already, I now know them on that deeper level having experienced them for myself.

1. Like everything, there is an ebb and flow to happy times in marriage. Fighting or even growling is actually healthy in a marriage. They are reminders of where we stand, what we need to work on and sometimes just reminders that we need a bit of personal space every now and then.

2. Bad times do end. I hate the bad times. I truly, truly do, but I know there is a reason for them. One of the hardest things I have to keep reminding myself is that the bad times do end. Sometimes you bear a scar, sometimes you don’t, but they do come to an end.

3. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. It’s nice to think of you and your spouse as one unit, working together and such, but you have to remember you are two human beings. You will not be alike in every single thing. And sometimes there is nothing you can do – you have to let your spouse work things out.

Short and sweet, bur that’s the way it should be at this point. I am so happy my husband and I are still going strong.

By Mr. JM

The weather is fine, sun shining and light fluffy clouds scut across the blue; the road is smooth, the scenery is lovely and forever changing, and traffic is light. You’ve got some good music on or your window is down so you can hear the bell birds and magpies caroling along the side of the road. Occasional sightings of kangaroos or other fauna enliven your experience.

Beside you is the person you love, the one with whom you are sharing this existence in a world that can blink from terror to beauty faster than you can draw breath. As one you share the experience of finding a new path through the countryside, looking from shared perspective at a land as old as time, as new as Now and the twining of your souls is strengthened by the travel.

It’s not about the destination – you may not even have one. It isn’t that everything is rosy and there are no problems in life, it is being able to set them down, to join with the one who is the most important focus of your existence and to share an experience together that can never be repeated, that can never be the same even if you do it precisely the same way again.

Conversation can be sporadic, thoughts seem to reach out and entwine each with the other. A tiny intake of breath causes the other to say ‘yes, it’s beautiful’ and you KNOW they have shared your appreciation of the view, of the new-born colt or even just the freshness of the air.

How could anyone NOT want to share travel with a loved one?

Last week I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a guest post about taking holidays together. He wrote me five. I decided to put them up this week.

Sometimes we travel not so much to be heading, but more to be leaving, somewhere. It may be our lives have been circumscribed by the humdrum, that our work has throttled our free nature or those around have become just to familiar.

A good way to deal with any of these is being able to get out and about, to jump on a train or get in your car, and head for places unknown. In such times, who needs (or even wants) a specific destination? Part of the adventure is just pointing the nose in a direction and seeing what comes.

Again, such a trip can be much better if it is being shared with someone who feels a similar need to breech the boundaries we find surrounding us in our daily lives. To be able to turn to someone and say ‘look at that’ and have them know just what it is about ‘that’ which caused your exclamation is to bond with that person in a way that can only come from shared experiences.

Going off on such a journey all alone can be a good time, but when one comes home and re-unites with the partner, there is a distance between what was experienced and what can be shared of it. That gap may or may not contribute to a personal distance between partners, but it certainly doesn’t promote closer togetherness.

So Split Enz had a good line, I think, in the ‘If you leave me, can I come too’ thought – they meant it a little differently but I think it is a very appropriate line for the idea of travelling with your partner.

Today I am on the road with Mr. JM. My wonderful friend Jenera of Just Me and Jenera Healy Photography has been kind enough to take over for the day. I couldn’t be leaving my blog in more trusted hands…

Every marriage can be a rollercoaster. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When we get married we vow to be there for each other in sickness and health. But what if that sickness is mental illness?

There are some dimensions to mental illness. A wide spectrum of signs, symptoms, diseases, and disorders. Some severe, some mild. But in every case, it affects both people in a marriage.

In a perfect world, no one would suffer from mental health issues. We would all be happy, healthy, and well adjusted individuals. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I have lived with panic attacks, anxiety, anger issues, depression, and other problems of this nature since I was a teenager. Some of my problems are genetic and some I believe are a result of my life and situations I have faced. My mental health problems have affected all my relationships to certain degrees.

When I met my husband, I was up front about the fact that I was just a bit crazy. I admitted to cutting, drinking a bit too much, anger, depression, and a host of other issues. I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into. The reason I fell in love with him was because he accepted me and all that came with me. It has been rough at times but he has stuck by me.

If you are in a marriage with someone who is living with mental illness of any type, it is important to support them. To care for them in the rough times. Here are a few things that may help you.

Do not judge. Often times, the mental struggles are not something that can be controlled. Sure, maybe with medication and other therapy options, it can be lived with. But more often than not, chemical imbalances are to blame.

Listen. Sometimes an open mind, ear and shoulder are that is needed to make it through a rough patch. There will be times where nothing you can say will help. Not saying a word, just listening, can be more beneficial than advice.

Love them. For me, my husband’s love and support has been something to keep me on an even keel. Knowing that I can turn to him no matter what, makes it easier to deal with things.

Try not to be scared. There may be times when your partner’s behavior may frighten you. When I get angry, despondent, or downright mean, I know that it can cause my husband to be concerned. As long as there is no violence, just stand back and keep an eye.

Try not to push. Sometimes something may be held back. Your spouse may not share everything. Try not to push. It will come out when they are ready. My husband and I were married for over 3 years before I finally opened up to him about my ‘crazy time’. It was a time period that I never really talked about other than to say it was when I went a little crazy.

I opened up to him about the darkest days and nights, the cutting, the anger, the depression, the hatred for everyone. It was hard and it took awhile to get through it. But I was happy I did. If he had pushed me to share, it would not have been as healing.

There is no magic recipe for dealing with these situations. Loving your spouse, supporting them, and helping them is all you can do. Your partner needs to be able to turn to you, to open up the depths of their soul, and to heal. It can be tough. It will be tough. But in the end, you can grow closer to your partner in ways you never thought possible.

When one looks at the question of marriage in our culture today one has to wonder if there is a fundamental approach to relationships that is not yet understood. After all, most if not all, enter into the institution of marriage with the belief that whatever life deals the marriage the problems can be resolved.
How can you stand in front of your family, friends and God and declare your lifetime devotion to each other but still see all of the promises and potential fizzle away like some sparkler on The Fourth of July.

If you think about it, you meet the one person in your life who you believe completes you, who makes you whole, yet you end up arguing over who gets the china you received at your wedding, not to mention arguing over what to do with the kids. After all the reason you exchange rings at the wedding ceremony is because the ring, symbolic of the circle, represents wholeness. Throughout history the circle has represented wholeness because there is no beginning and no end.

If you think about the concept of spending your life together with someone else you would hopefully believe the biggest issue you would have to deal with is how to resolve the conflicts in the marriage. After all, when you bring together two people from two completely separate backgrounds you would have to believe that there is inevitably going to be conflict. I believe you would have a hard time, particularly in today’s society, finding two people who agree on everything.

So the real question here would have to be “how do you resolve conflicts in the marriage”?

Due to recent events, I’ve been thinking about my relationship with myself. The line of thinking may seem egotistical at first, but truly, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have.

I’ve known people who have truly rotten relationships with their selves. They negative self-talk, they insult themselves in front of other people – they even make negative self comments to complete strangers! The unfortunate part is all that negative energy just sucks the lives out of other people, and the negative self-talkers often end up along.

Which, of course, just makes the negativity worse.

A positive relationship with yourself is important for many reasons: self-esteem, mental health and physical health. Have you ever noticed that people who are constantly insulting themselves are not the people who are fit and healthy?

True, fit and healthy people can just be a lot better at hiding self-directed negativity, but that’s not usually the case.

Earlier this week I felt horribly under pressure, stressed and depressed. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control. Lo and behold, I started thinking negative comments like, “You idiot. How could you do that?” and “That was a stupid thing to do.”

The difference this time, though, is that I’ve been there and done that. I was one of the worst negative self-talkers. Now I know better.

The struggle is ongoing to try to not be so down on yourself, so sometimes you have to be a bit silly and treat yourself with ‘kid gloves’. But I can tell you that positive reinforcement like cutting off negative self-talk and giving yourself compliments regularly is an absolute must if you want to get out of that dark place.

When I realized how bad things were getting, I took myself out for a treat: sushi and a walk in the park. I mentally reassured myself that I am a worthwhile person and everything will work out.

Again, it may sound silly, but I’m back, feeling better and getting work done, aren’t I?