Long Relationships

Hello Dr. Frederick. On behalf of myself and my readers, welcome to Long Relationships.

I’m delighted to be here!

I’ve invited you here today to talk about your book: Living Like You Mean It. Could you briefly explain what your book is about?

Living Like You Mean It is a self-help book published by Jossey-Bass, a division of Wiley. Based on cutting-edge science, it shares my proven four-step approach to overcoming fear and becoming more emotionally present in one’s life and relationships.

What led you to write this book?

I was inspired to write Living Like You Mean It by my own life-changing experience. I was in my early thirties, had just finished my doctoral studies, and despite having everything going for me, I hit a wall. I was in relationship I frequently questioned and found myself filled with trepidation and fear about moving forward. I ended up in therapy and discovered, rather surprisingly, that the anxiety I was experiencing at the time had so much to do with being uncomfortable with what I really felt deep down inside.

I had become so afraid of my emotions, of listening to and trusting my true feelings, that I couldn’t hear the voice of my deepest self buried somewhere inside me—the voice that knew what I wanted, knew what I longed for, knew what felt right to me and what felt wrong. I might have gone on doubting myself forever had I not gotten the help I needed to recognize what, in fact, I really was afraid of and to learn how to overcome my fears, accept and embrace my emotional self, and really connect with others.

The experience changed my life. My anxiety decreased, I stopped doubting myself and felt much more confident and in touch with my personal truth. I found it much easier to be emotionally present and felt closer to the people in my life. Ultimately, I found the courage to listen to and trust my heart and move forward, to leave the relationship I was in, and to realize the kind of relationship and life I had dreamed of having.

When you have an experience like that, when your life is changed in such a dramatic way, you want to spread the good stuff around. The more people I’ve been able to help, and the more I witness the dramatic changes that can take place when we develop the ability to be with and share our feelings, the more I have felt compelled to spread the word. I guess you can say that it’s become a mission for me: to help people to wake up to their feelings and get the lives they really want. I wrote this book to help people do just that.

Do you think people being afraid of their feelings has played a part in the increased divorce rate today?

Yes I do. We know that not being able to deal with our feelings leads to problems in relationships. As I said earlier, we end up feeling disconnected and distant. In fact, recent studies show that one of the most serious threats to a relationship is boredom.

To my mind, boredom is the direct result of avoiding emotional closeness, of not taking risks to reveal more of ourselves, or not slowing down and making space for what we’re feeling inside. You see, when we continue to evolve emotionally, when we engage in the process of emotional discovery, it can never be boring! To the contrary, it fills our lives and relationships with energy and vitality.

Personally, I think feelings of disconnection from each other and the world is one of the main reasons we have such anger, violence, unhappiness, etc. Do you agree?

Yes. That’s certainly one reason. And then there’s the fact that clearly we don’t all hold the same values or think alike.

What would you say is the reason people learn to be afraid of their feelings?

A lot of it has to do with our early experience: what we learned, and didn’t learn. Most of us got very little help when we were growing up with how to connect with, manage, and make good use of our feelings. It’s a basic skill that we haven’t quite learned.

On top of that, many of us grew up with caregivers who, to some degree or another, were uncomfortable with feelings. As children we’re extremely sensitive to the cues we get from our caregivers. If they react poorly when we get angry, sad, or even happy, we sense their discomfort and become anxious—we’re so afraid of losing their approval, of having them pull away or abandon us. We come to associate a sense of danger with our feelings and this fear gets wired into our brains. Unless we do something to overcome this fear as adults, it stays with us.

What do you hope readers take away from reading your book?

Living Like You Mean It is full of stories of transformation. Stories of people who felt stuck, alone, and despairing, but who, in finding the courage to face their fears, in taking the risk to open up to their feelings and share them with others, changed in ways they never imagined possible. That’s precisely what I want readers to take away from this book: to know that with the right tools and practice, your life and your relationships can be better. The capacity for change is there inside you, just waiting to come out. You’ll see. You have the power to transform your life.

Are you working on another book currently?

Currently, I’m working on promoting Living Like You Mean It which is pretty much a full-time job. But, I’m also beginning to develop an audio series based on concepts in the book that will help people experience more joy in their lives. I suppose another book will come at some point.

Is there anything else you would like to share?

Yes. To learn more about me and Living Like You Mean It, please visit: http://www.livinglikeyoumeanit.com/index.html

Thank you for joining us today.

You’re welcome. It’s been a pleasure!

On his last day here at Long Relationships, I decided to interview Dawson Church and get some of my more specific questions about epigenetics, health and relationships answered.

I hope you enjoy the interview.

Could you share with us an easy to understand definition of epigenetic work and what your book, Genie in Your Genes, is about?

Epigenetics is one of the hottest research areas of biology right now. Epi means “above,” so epigenetics (“above the genes”) is the science of turning genes on and off without changing DNA. The Genie in Your Genes (www.GenieBestSeller.com) shows how genes are affected epigenetically by consciousness, in all of its many forms. Love and nurturing are one of the primary epigenetic mechanisms of consciousness; they can produce changes in the molecular structure of DNA via a process called methylation.

What do you think is the biggest contributing factor to the breakup of relationships?

Old habits. Brain research has shown us how durable neural patterns are, and how difficult they can be to change. People tend to live out their childhood behavioral scripts all through their lives, sabotaging their relationships. If we had perfect childhoods, we might create perfect relationships. But most of us were traumatized as children, and carry those scars (and impose them on our partners) for the rest of our lives.

How does what is talked about in your book relate to building healthy relationships?

When we’re laden with childhood traumas, we cannot be present with our partners. You’re not really relating to the current person; instead you’re mesmerized by the behaviors you developed to survive a dysfunctional parent. The book describes the exciting new field of energy psychology, which has a unique, fast, and powerful technology to break those patterns. As a side effect, it provides new new epigenetic stimuli to our cells, improving our health.

In an email you mentioned that you run a class on relationships. Could you tell us about the class?

It’s a brand new class called The Energies of Love. I’ve found that if people use energy psychology to clean up their old emotional traumas, they create fertile ground for growth. The amazing thing is that you don’t need your partner to change; if only one person in the relationship changes, it changes the energy field of the relationship, the way iron filing change if you move two magnets.

I had a friend who had been with his girlfriend for eight years but could never work up the energy to propose to her. A few months after the class, he popped the question. Of course she said yes, though I’m amazed she was patient enough with him to hang around that long!

Is there a particular story of relationship healing that stands out in your mind? If yes, would you mind sharing it with us?

I worked with a man who was contemplating divorcing his wife (he hadn’t told her). I used a form of energy psychology called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). We worked on the feeling he felt in his body when he fought with his wife. The earliest childhood memory he had of that feeling was when he was five years old. He and his brother were fighting in the back seat of the car; his father reached over the front seat and clobbered him hard.

We worked on that and several other childhood memories, after which I asked him again about his wife. He began telling me about all the things he appreciated about her, and about how this relationship is so precious to him he could never contemplate ending it! Note that we did no work whatsoever on his marriage. The lesson here is that when you resolve your childhood traumas, you don’t have to re-enact them with your current partner.

Can epigenetic and energy work improve all relationships – romantic, friendship, family?

It works the same way: You deal with your own emotional triggering, no matter what the source. Rather than changing the people “out there” you change yourself “in here” to the point where you are no longer reactive to what they throw at you. This opens up a space for heart connection.

Does epigenetics offer help for people healing from the abuses of past relationships?

The book quotes large scientific studies showing the link between old unhealed emotional trauma and disease: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity, hepatitis, high blood pressure, and osteoporosis. When you heal the emotional charge of prior abuse, you introduce a new epigenetic signal into your cells. That can have profound healing effects.

Where can readers go for more information?

Get the book, plus a lovely collection of freebies, at www.GenieBestSeller.com. If you want to take a class, I’m teaching in both Europe and the US in the next few months, and you can see those links at www.DawsonChurch.com. A wonderful group of volunteers is offering energy psychology to veterans, and if you know a Vietnam or Iraq veteran, they can get fast free help at www.StressProject.org.

Is there anything else you would like to share?

Emotional pain is optional. You don’t have to suffer for a minute longer than you want to. You can change even long-standing habits fast. When you learn to love yourself, and reduce your stress, you send healing epigenetic signals to your cells. Fill those cells with love and they will love you back. And the love that fills your energy field will attract the most fabulous people to you, effortlessly!

Hello everyone! Last week I had the pleasure of reviewing Leslie Oren’s online dating guide. I am very pleased to say Ms. Oren was willing to do an interview with me!

Please join me in welcoming her to Long Relationships.

Hello and thank you for stopping at Long Relationships, Ms. Oren. Tell us a bit about yourself.

• I’m originally from New York, but have lived in Los Angeles for the last 18 years. I actually started out in the music business, then segued into PR – working for national agencies at first, and then for the Hollywood studios. I’m currently senior vice president, publicity, for Fox Television Studios, one of several studios at Fox that develops and produces television shows.

You’ve written the book Fine, I’ll Go Online! The Hollywood Publicist’s Guide to Successful Internet Dating. Did you ever think that you would someday be giving women all over the world dating advice?

• No, I can’t say that I saw that one coming!

What or who caused you to take that final leap and turn all the advice you’d been giving into a book?

• It actually happened quite organically. I started dating online about six years ago and had a lot of success doing it – meaning that I consistently met quality men with whom I had fun dates. Some were just basic first or second dates – nothing to write home about, but still perfectly pleasant – but some turned into more substantial relationships. As I talked about these experiences with friends, I started to realize that the nuts and bolts that seem necessary for successful online dating were things I did automatically by virtue of my job as an entertainment publicist. For example, I knew how to “pitch,�? which means I knew how to write those first “grabby�? emails and responses to potential dates.

I also knew how to present myself online in a compelling way, which means I knew it was important to post attractive, flattering photos that also were accurate, and knew it was vital to describe myself in a way that went beyond the generic or the cliché. Once I made that realization, I wanted to share the strategies with other women. At first, I tried out the advice casually with a few friends. When they started seeing good results, I got serious about writing a book.

What was the research like? Did it all come from personal experiences or did you also go out and talk to people about their online dating experiences?

• Most everything in the book comes from my own experiences. However, I spoke to many friends and acquaintances – male and female – about their online dating experiences, too – what tripped them up, what worked for them, etc. It was very important for me to get that feedback, especially from men.

I think one of the most important pieces of advice you give to women is to not lie. What would you say your most important piece of advice is?

• That’s a big one for me too – don’t lie!! It’s probably the best advice I give in the book because I believe it’s the most empowering. Being honest – which, by the way, doesn’t mean revealing everything – stops people from sending the message to themselves that they’re not OK as they are, and that they have to lie in order for others to be interested in them. The other piece of advice that I think is valuable is to rethink the definition of “success�? online. Use the online landscape to take the pressure off the long-term goals of dating. Count every positive outing as a success and a reason to keep going. This not only helps perpetuate good energy which results in more online dates, it encourages that attitude out in the offline world, too.

One of the things I enjoyed about your book is that I can apply a lot of the advice you give in other areas such as résumés and job interviews. Are there any more plans for Hollywood publicist’s guides in the future?

• I’m getting that question a lot! I definitely have plans for a second book – we’ll see if it evolves into another Hollywood Publicist’s Guide. That’s definitely a possibility.

A lot of authors I talk to have busy lives and someone working as a publicist would certainly be no exception! How did you find time to write? (And date, for that matter.)

• That was challenging. It all came down to discipline. My job keeps me pretty busy during the week, and the hours can be long, so writing at night on the weekdays was not very productive for me. Primarily, I wrote every weekend for about 10 months to finish the entire first manuscript. And, yes, it’s ironic: I dated very little during the time I wrote the book. But I jumped right back in when it was finished!

Do you have any more words of advice to ladies thinking about taking a dip in the online dating pool?

• Know that online dating is a great and very efficient way to date. There is no stigma. It’s not a commentary on your ability to find dates through what we used to call “normal�? means like meeting at a party or function, or being fixed up on blind dates. Be proud that you’re exploring all the available methods to find a healthy relationship and – we hope – true love.

Thank you very much for your time.