Long Relationships

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother..

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
AND loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit..

***

You can thank Mr. JM for this addition to my small humor section here at Long Relationships. If there is one thing I love about Mr. JM, it’s that he is always seeking to make me happy, make me laugh and so on. Thus, I’m often in on the joke when the usual office joke emails float around.

They do say that laughter is the best medicine and, well, Mr. JM and I have certainly needed a bit of humor lately. Every now and then all the things we want to do runs smack up against the lack of finances and things become a bit strained.

Alas, even in the worst of times, Mr. JM is always able to keep up his sense of humor.

By Mr. JM

There’s an old joke about how to confuse an Irishman. You put him in a igloo and tell him to piss in the corner. (Aussies tell jokes about everyone so don’t bother getting upset about racist jokes or whatever PC kick you have – we tell jokes about Politically Correct people as well.)

How to confuse JM. Start with an idea for a holiday that involves a re-visit to a place she fell in love with and where she began to find out who lives inside her skin. Let her run with the idea then suggest it can be other places, like somewhere (Tasmania) she hasn’t yet been.

Next day, from work, forward an email from www.bestflights.com that has a range of packages out into the Pacific Ocean that are around the same amount of money we’ve been talking about, such as Norfolk Island.

Then suggest possibly a package within Australia, one where the continent is reachable and we can see things like Kakadu National Park. We could fly somewhere & then explore around – she’s always wanted to go see Perth.

Then, over drinks in the local pub, talk about how we could get a camper-van or Winnebago and go touring around – with the leave I have built up, we could go for three weeks & see the red centre (Alice Springs, come down through the Nullabor and past Lake Eyre, then across to Perth and maybe up to Monkey Mia to pat dolphins).

Of course, (in casual off-hand manner) we could try maybe doing one of the resort island holidays up in Queensland, like Hayman or Hamilton Islands, where we could laze around for a week or so, rolling out of bed to a perfect blue-sky day, having breakfast in the pool (seriously, they have stools and a bar in the middle), snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, and more.

What is a girl to do? (I will leave that for her to tell you…)

By Mr. JM

Tonight I watched poor JM go through sheer hell. And it was SOOO much fun.

It probably isn’t what you think – we’ve been casually talking about some travel. Life has thrown us a couple of curve balls and we’ve been contemplating some changes – new job for me, re-locating to another state etc. Unlike in the US, another State isn’t just an hour or so away – where the current jobs of interest are is the Gold Coast – almost 2000kms from here.

A couple of days back I mentioned that we could return to New Zealand (they pronounce it Nu Zilland) and spend some time touring around. We visited there when JM was here on a tourist visa so we could extend the time she could stay in Australia, but we didn’t stay long.

New Zealand is a beautiful country, lush green land alternating with dramatic mountains ranges. Peaceful farm scenes beside fumaroles and geysers, and caves with tiny worms that look, after your eyes have adjusted to the dark of a cave, like constellations of stars on the ceiling.

But we are looking at a bit of a holiday a few months off in the future, trying to take advantage of the off season.

Another possibility was a visit to Tasmania, a large island just south of here, lovely place, nice people, (if a little inbred – us mainlanders like to poke a little bit of hillbilly humour at them) with a ferry ride across Bass Strait with our car etc.

So why would this be sheer hell?

It has to do with choices, with the variety being offered to someone who has had few times in her life when she could make a decision involving pleasure. It has to do with a steadily increasing level of expectation of anticipated pleasure. It has to do with me being pleasantly cruel.

Another gem from Mr. JM

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:

(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Ok:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ - that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever:
Is a woman’s way of saying f*** YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

*
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

*
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true!

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m.. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and using every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast.. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Hi there all… Poor JM is feeling poorly so I thought I’d drop by. Hope you don’t mind.

I guess it’s one of the things about marriage – in sickness and health – that when illness comes it gets shared. Living close together it is actually surprising how often one partner doesn’t get sick when the other is suffering.

It’s good because it allows the ill one to be looked after and coddled a bit. It is a very nice feeling knowing there’s someone to look after you and make sure all you need to do is get well. I had quite a few years of living alone and although I wasn’t ill often, there were times when I almost ached more for someone to be there than I did from the illness.

JM is a bit of a stubborn wench – she likes to lessen the importance of anything affecting just her, as if she isn’t important enough for such things to be really noticed. Silly woman! *grins* or maybe she just likes to extend out the time she gets held in the night, cuddled and looked after – ah that’s probably it. Sneaky JM.

But I’ve found it does me good to have her to look after. There’s a satisfaction that comes solely from putting her needs at the top of my list or from finding things that help her or relieve some of her pain.

I guess it’s love when it feels so good to help, when the smile from my partner lifts my spirits and when it hurts so much to see her suffering and be able to do so little to help in any meaningful way.

Ah well, it’s a tough life isn’t it?

*Thank you to This Full House for the intro to Tim Hawkins.

Oh, brother. Well, at least I know Mr. JM’s mother cooked like crap so at least he can’t pull that line on me…

It took me a while to find a video with the full song, but I thought this song would be a great way to start the week. There is nothing like some marriage (though it applies to non-married relationships) humour to get you feeling good. (Or annoyed, take your pick.)

Plus, this video reminds me of my husband. Not because he’s that suicidal… I mean, um, not someone to say those kind of things to me… Mr. JM is honest with me and never lets me feel sorry for myself.

For example, if I ask something like, “Do I look big in this?” you can bet that Mr. JM will tell the truth. He won’t tread around the truth - he’ll out and out tell me, “It doesn’t look good on you.” He’s not mean, but he is honest.

As for the not letting me feel sorry for myself? Well, he would actually say some of the things in the song just to give me a stir. He likes to mess with me when he thinks I’m taking life too seriously. It may piss me off at the time, but overall, it’s one of the things I love about him.

Now if I could figure out how to get him when he’s feeling pouty…

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Here’s a question to start out the week/month:

Is there anything your significant other does that annoys you at the time but you know is ultimately good for you? Is you SO playful or serious?

There are times in our marriage when I can’t help but feel very, very bad for my husband.

If you read at Finally Getting Fit, you’ll know that I have some health issues. Because of one of those issues, I have to go back on The Pill until we start making babies. But, as you likely know, they don’t like you to hop back on The Pill whenever you feel like it. It should line up with a woman’s cycle.

My problem? No cycle since August. Until today, that is, when my progesterone finally woke my reproductive system out of a coma and got it working again.

Bottom line? Looks like I’m feeling about half a year’s PMS in this one week.

Yes, you can all wince now.

I have been doing very well with controlling my moods (my husband would beg to differ, but he doesn’t live in my head), but there are times when the ‘Pissy’ of PMS shows through like a lighthouse light in an apartment bedroom. There are times when I can barely keep myself from throwing dishes (I thought for about five minutes straight about how much I wanted to throw a glass across the room) or other rotten things.

Poor Mr. JM is suffering the consequences.

Thankfully, it’ll be over soon. And, at least when I’m on The Pill, my murderous urges tame down. But I still feel so bad for Mr. JM. I’m wondering if I should book him a hotel room for a while or something…

That’s right, my friends. I just have to get it off my chest. I’ve been living the lie for too long.

I cheat… at making the bed.

Shocking, isn’t it?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is just better to confess and accept that I can be a lazy-ass wife. Then I can just move on with my life. Better to admit and aim to improve than sit in that great river denial, yes?

If you’re not sure how exactly one goes about “cheating” at making the bed, it goes like this:

(It doesn’t really work if you really toss and turn, kick everything off the bed, etc.)

My husband and I have the regular sheet, top sheet tucked in at the foot end and two blankets. Even if things have been interesting during the night, the bed is pretty much always just in need of a bit of tucking/pulling etc to make it look good.

So that’s what I do. No pulling everything off and making it all nice (which I do occasionally, but 99% of the time only when pulling/tucking just won’t do). Nope. I’m a slacker.

My mother was a bag of mixed nuts when it came to cleaning, so obviously I just didn’t inherit the gene or something. I like our place (and our bed) to be nice and neat, but when I have heaps of stuff to do - or when the mess is just overwhelming - I go the slacker route and ignore.

I did a huge clean recently for a real estate inspection, so I’ve been trying to maintain that, but I just can’t get past my bed slacker tendencies.

My poor husband. I hope he wasn’t expecting much.

As if to further prove to myself that I’m still at that level ill ’stuffy brain’ where you aren’t thinking clearly, for a while, the title of this post was “Head Cold Braing”. I’m not sure what a “Braing” is, but I’m not really in the mood to find out.

Right now I’m blogging from bed. (Oh yeah, I heart you that much.) It’s not a bad place to blog from, unless you don’t have a laptop. Then it’d just be awkward.

Anywho, the virus/bug/whatever that tried to drag be down all last week finally settled into my sinuses, head, throat and even ears (likes to spread out, this bug) as of this past Sunday. Unlike most other bugs, this little bastard simply isn’t letting go. BLAR.

It’s partially my fault, running myself down when I knew something was gnawing at me, but I figure: what better Valentine’s Day gift could I give Mr. JM other than the excuse to give me crap about not taking vitamins?

It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Truly.

The weird thing about me is if I’m only ‘kinda sick’ - as in able to walk around and string two sentences that make sense together - I feel guilty about being sick.

What do I do when I feel guilty? Show that I’m sorry, of course.

I may not have done the laundry (completely forgot, to be honest), but I did smother Mr. JM with “I love yous” (ask him how much he likes it when I do that… ha), apologize a few times with no answer as to why I was apologizing, prepared dinner and washed dishes.

Not bad.

So that’s me. I don’t like taking medication of any sort (unless I have to) so you won’t get any semi-high-on-cough-syrup posts at midnight, but I might not make complete sense in my next few posts.

You have been warned.

These are the kinds of emails Mr. JM likes to send me…

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
Sam Kinison

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
James Holt McGavran

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH……AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

I found this quiz over at Jenera’s blog and, well, I just can’t resist a quiz (or meme or tag)…

Your result for The Intellectual Sexiness Test…

Hot Tamale

You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 66!

Take The Intellectual Sexiness Test at HelloQuizzy

I was perusing a forum dedicated to women in all stages of pre/trying/carrying/post pregnancy and I went to the ‘Long Term Trying’ section. While I’m not trying at the moment, I still identify with the women there because of the health issues I have and concerns I have about conceiving in the future.

On thread was on the subject of people asking The Baby Question:

“So when are you going to have kids?”

Even if you aren’t married, if you don’t have kids yet and are with someone, you have likely been asked that plenty of times. I have.

I used to be a bit flustered about what to say when asked the question and I usually just put it off saying, “I have to lose more weight, first.” That usually works…for a time. So, inspired by what the ladies on the forum had to say about it, I decided to come up with ten alternatives for people – some will work for the guys – who aren’t quite sure how to answer that annoying question…

1. When I decide to stop drinking.
2. When I grow up.
3. When I start ovulating. (A fun one if you find the question rude and personal.)
4. When people stop asking when.
5. When my husband/wife says so. (This one tends to piss off your spouse…)
6. In accordance to the prophecy.
7. When they start coming out fully potty trained.
8. When I win the lottery.
9. Why yes, my husband/wife and I are having sex. Thank you for asking.
10. When they go on sale.

More email humor from Mr. JM.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
_________________________________________________________
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as
• Romance 9.5
• Personal Attention 6.5

and then installed undesirable programs such as
• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0
• Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
• Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
• Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6..2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.

• If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

• Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend

• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

…you have to have a good sense of humor and be prepared for a lot of jokes. Mr. JM emailed this to me.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

‘Dr. Jones, at your cervix.’

**************************

In a Podiatrist’s office:

‘Time wounds all heels.’

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber’s truck:

‘We repair what your husband fixed.’

**************************

On another Plumber’s truck:

‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.’

**************************

On a Church’s Bill board:

‘7 days without God makes one weak.’

**************************

At a Tyre Store

‘Invite us to your next blowout.’

**************************

On an Electrician’s truck:

‘Let us remove your shorts.’

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

‘Push. Push. Push.’

**************************

At an Optometrist’s Office:

‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’

**************************

On a Taxidermist’s window:

‘We really know our stuff.’

**************************

On a Fence:

‘Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!’

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

‘The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.’

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

‘No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.’

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

‘Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.’

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’

**************************

And don’t forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:

‘Best place in town to take a leak.’

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:

‘Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises’