Long Relationships

My husband and I are both creative writers and both write a combination of poetry and novels. (I lean towards novels and he leans towards poetry.) We both joined an online forum for creative writing and noticed each other but didn’t talk much.

One night, we were both online and knew someone else from the site who introduced us to each other (via instant messenger). I guess you could say it was love at first chat session because we talked one way or another for almost every day for a year after we met.

I kept the relationship rather quiet because I didn’t have a supportive family when it came to internet relationships. My parents didn’t (and probably still don’t) know how to turn on a computer, much less use the internet. Because of that, they bought into every internet horror story they ever heard on the news despite the fact I a.) wasn’t twelve years old and b.) wasn’t meeting random people from MySpace in bars.

Eventually my brother calmed her down and explained to her that the internet was how a lot of people met and, taking the right precautions, it could be perfectly safe. And he’s right. More and more people are meeting online and starting relationships from there.

So I thought I would put up a poll (because I love polls even more than lists) to find out what the readers here have done and feel when it comes to online relationships. Feel free to add on your story and/or thoughts in the comments section!

PS. Tomorrow is Reader Appreciation Day! Be sure to stop by again and see what you have to do to get your chance to win not one, but TWO awesome prizes!

When I began planning my wedding, the word quickly spread around the office where my husband works. He’d long been though the ultimate bachelor (or married by some unattached women) and so word of his marriage came as a shock to many. That he was marrying someone much younger than him from the States… Well, it’s not surprising to hear people still talking about our wedding.

A woman who worked for the same company heard that I was planning the wedding on my own without even so much as female friends in the physical vicinity. She decided that was wrong and took it into her hands to help me out with the planning.

She didn’t have a daughter and was very excited to ‘adopt’ me. Having cut most ties to my family, I was feeling a bit lost and welcomed a motherly touch in my life.

Things went a bit astray. What she and I thought we wanted in our lives turned out to be the case. I was a bit mature and the non-shopping type to play true daughter, and I was beginning to realize that if my biological mother wasn’t going to be the mother I needed in my life, I certainly wasn’t interested in bringing in someone new to replace her.

The wedding went well and I appreciate everything she did for me, but even now things are a bit awkward between us because we’re not quite sure how to be around each other. We had expectations for each other that turned out to be not what either of us wanted and that hinders us from becoming close friends now.

With time and effort we can become close friends. However, I have learned to not step into relationships with expectations and that replacements never work…

Relationships are the things that can completely define our lives. Some we choose, some we don’t, but we maintain a level of control with all of them. Sometimes it doesn’t always feel like we have any control in some relationships, and that’s where the problem starts.

It may feel silly to say that your spouse is a bit of a bully or that you don’t know what to do because your parents make you feel awful but they’re you’re parents so you should love them…but you definitely aren’t alone when it comes to these type of things.

When you talk about your life and the reasons behind what you do, the term ‘should’ will probably come out of your mouth a few times. It’s the ‘should’ that alerts you to training that you received growing up. “I should love my parents unconditionally. I should obey my husband.�

It’s because of this training – the ‘shoulds’ in our lives – that we often stay in unhealthy relationships even though part (or all) of us knows that the relationship is bad for us. But it’s not exactly easy to reach out for help – especially with all those ‘shoulds’ floating around in our heads and the feelings of being silly or over sensitive.

If you’re concerned about a friend, family or romantic relationship in your life, one place you might want to start is at ReachOut.com.au where they have an awesome list of fact sheets about all kinds of relationships. They provide the basics on information about romantic and non-romantic relationships.

I hope you find it useful.

Sometimes, you just have to take some time away.

Couples sometimes forget that relationships to involve work. Work is a term we associate with certain non-relationship things, though, so we forget. We forget that changing for people is work. Learning to communicate more effectively is work. Balancing work, love, family, and friendship is work.

There is a lot of work involved in relationships, but the benefits of work are some of the greatest you’ll ever experience.

Then again, you don’t really need me to tell you that, do you?

On the subject of taking time away, that’s probably one of the things couples do less and less these days. There are so many responsibilities, and with rising costs, taking time off work and spending money for pleasure doesn’t always seem the most practical thing to do.

However, it is necessary to remember that work and money aren’t nearly as important as the relationships we have – and often take for granted.

Having had a bit of a stressful time lately, both with work and home life, my husband and I are taking advantage of the long holiday and are going camping.

Yes, you say, that may be all fine and well with you, but I have responsibilities.

Yes, any holiday brings with it responsibility and you might not be able to get away. However, if you’re the one hosting dinner, egg hunt, etc and it’s nothing but a stress for you (and thus for your partner), then you might want to ask why you’re doing it.

A lot of us impose responsibilities on ourselves because self-expectation and family expectations. But in the end, the pendulum of care has to swing back towards ‘me’ sometimes.

Weigh your options this week and figure out the best time to take some time away with your partner.

I have been tagged!

The lovely Sandra from Parenting Under the Stars has tagged me with the About You tag.

This is a short meme with five questions. I am going to answer the questions, but I’m not going to tag anyone. What I would like you to do (for your weekend homework!) if you choose to do so is answer this meme either on your own blog (be sure to leave a link!) or in the comments if you don’t have a blog.

I love getting to know my readers, so I hope you participate!

The Questions

* How long have you been blogging?
* What inspired you to start a blog and who are your mentors?
* Are You trying to make money online, or just doing it for fun?
* Tell me 3 things you LOVE about being online.
* Tell me 3 things you STRUGGLE with in the online world.

How long have you been blogging?

I have been non-professionally blogging since about 2004. I came across it by accident, really, and kept on with it, learning how to build templates and so forth.

I have been pro-blogging since about the time I came to Australia - October 2006. So, about a year and four months.

What inspired you to start a blog and who are your mentors?

Nothing inspired me initially. I found blogger and thought it was a nice way to have an anonymous space away from the prying eyes of everyone who knew me. Professional blogging wasn’t really inspired, either. A friend advertised that a network needed bloggers and I applied.

It’s going to sound bad, but I don’t really have any mentors. I’m very much a self-taught person, which may explain a few things haha, and I like to cruise along doing my own thing. I’ve mentored others, but I don’t follow anyone enough to call them mentors.

Are you trying to make money online, or just doing it for fun?

I’m in the middle. I make money because I can. I have bills to pay just like the rest of the world. I do love what I do, though. Absolutely and completely.

Tell me 3 things you LOVE about being online.

People! I love getting to know new people from all around the world. It’s fantastic.

I also love being able to share things with others. I have a big mouth on some subjects, and it’s great to be able to express myself.

Mobility. I can ‘go’ anywhere, find anything, talk to thousands of people… The internet is fantastic.

Tell me 3 things you STRUGGLE with in the online world.

Withholding information. I’m usually a very open, honest, emotional person. But I’ve had stalkers in the past, so I have to remind myself to careful with trusting people and talking about myself.

Weight. Haha. It’s not ‘in’ the online world, but I have to go to the gym every morning or else I would be getting terribly little exercise given how much online time I need.

Trolls. People who use the internet to vent their frustrations, torment people, and be general jackasses are no fun to deal with.

There is is! Now, like I said, I’m not going to tag anyone, but I would love it if people responded! Have an awesome weekend.

Welcome back to Long Relationships. I hope you enjoyed our guests last week, and I hope you get the book. I’m reading it, and it’s fantastic so far.

As you probably know very well, this week is Valentine’s Day week.

When I was younger (and single), Valentines Day represented…not a lot to me. I was never one of those people who thought Valentines Day was created by evil to make single people to feel miserable.

Valentines Day is a day for couples to celebrate their love for each other. But it’s also a day you can celebrate friendship, your love for your children, and other forms of love. A lot of people don’t see past the couple aspect of the day, though.

So, this Valentines Day, remember to be sensitive to your single friends (maybe send some anonymous flowers or chocolates?) while you’re busy focusing on the happiness you have with your significant other.

And if you’re single, then don’t let the day get you down! There are plenty of Valentines Day alternatives (girls movie night, anyone?) for people who don’t have that ‘other’ to celebrate with yet. Enjoy the day and the weekend, be happy for those who have found their loves and let the day be an encouragement instead of depressing if you haven’t found your love yet!

Hugs and love to everyone this week. Have fun and try to behave.

Don’t forget: If you want the chance to win a copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire then check out this post!

This week we have been talking about couples and weight. I have been thinking for a while about how I wanted to close this subject (for now) in a way that relates to relationships in general. What’s the bottom line that truly connects it all together?

Support.

In relationships, in weight loss, and in many other things, support is what will keep you going. Support is what will help you to accept your mistakes instead of letting your mistakes rule you.

Weight loss is very hard. Everyone who is heavy is heavy for a reason. Sometimes someone just truly loves good food and flavours. Other time, overeating is a coping mechanism that grows into a habit the person keeps whether or not they are still getting over the original issue.

Psychology is – or should be – as much of a part of weight loss as exercise is. Unfortunately, we still rely on pills, try to find the quick fix, address the physical and not the mental or emotionally, and everything else to avoid addressing the underlying issues.

That’s where the strong support of a partner (family member, or friend) comes in. A supporting partner will be there to be strong when the other person simply can’t. A supporting partner can make the difference in a day of depression versus a week or even a month.

So for those of you out there who have overweight partners, encourage your partner to live a healthier (and thus likely longer) life no matter how much it may hurt his/her feelings at the time. Encourage your partner in all his/her weight loss goals.

And be there when your partner starts uncovering the reasons behind being overweight.

Because when you’re trying to lose weight, a strong support in your life is worth more than anything else in the world.

PS. If you’re trying to lose weight, never ever be afraid to admit you want/ask for help.

Best Friends Forever!

Do you remember saying that in school? I certainly do.

Long relationships are definitely not all sexual male/female relationships, and ‘best friends forever’ isn’t a term restricted to your teenage years!

It is good for you to have at least one other person other than your significant other to talk to because not having someone like that puts unhealthy expectations on your other. Just like you wouldn’t want one person to rely on your for all their communication, neither should you rely on your spouse to provide all your communication needs.

Plus, it is a lot more fun to have someone of the same sex to hang out with and talk to about certain things!

My best friend and sista is named Hawke. Hawke and I met on a forum for writers and were quick friends after that. She was there when my husband and I were courting, when he first proposed, and through some of my worst moments.

She is the woman I can rely on to keep my secrets, share girl talk with, and basically share all the highs and lows of my life with.

Like I have Hawke, my husband also has his own male friends to ‘be a bloke’ with.

Take some time to appreciate your friends – especially your best friends – and let them know how much you care. They have seen you through a lot (I know Hawke has seen me through the absolute worse) and they deserve a thank-you every now and then.