Long Relationships

Jenera wrote something last week on her blog that I felt the need to write about. She said:

“In my couple years of blogging I have managed to meet some great people. I have made friends and though I have not met any of them in person, I feel close enough to them to call them friends.

Some make fun of those of us who have online friends. I think they are jealous. One friend is states away and one is countries away. Yet I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet up with them in real life, it’d be like we were friends forever.”

People who haven’t made friends online just plain don’t understand the depth of connection you can have with someone who isn’t right there next to you. But, as I mention to Jenera, as someone who has social anxiety, online connections have been wonderful to me.

Many people argue that we’re only becoming friends with words on a screen, but just like we are more than our bodies, the words are more than words. The words convey meanings. Put together in certain ways, words mean certain things. But beyond that, the words also carry feelings.

That’s called empathy.

Have you ever read an email and thought, “I wonder what’s wrong with him/her? S/he sounds sad.” If words were just words, you wouldn’t possibly be able to derive that sort of conclusion unless the person had written “I am sad” or something similar.

I would be lost without my online friends, and I wouldn’t be here today if not for my husband (who I instantly connected to ‘just’ through words online). In fact, the people I know online have supported me ten times more than the friends I had growing up.

So if anyone ever tries to tell you that you can’t have that kind of connection online? You can tell them that you know at least one very happily married couple who met online.

As much as I’d like to dive straight into the family drama on here, I’m not going to. You never know who is lurking around your web spaces. I’m not going to be too specific, but there is something I’d like to talk about. Just to get the stone out of my gut if nothing else.

In your life, you get to know people. Some people you don’t want to know, some you have to know and some you seem to make a connection with that is stronger than obligation.

When I came to Australia, there are many, many people I thought I was close to who didn’t attempt to contact me. Not a peep. Not a whisper.

Some were mad at me. I understand that. People don’t like when other people leave, don’t like change, even when the leaving is to the benefit of the person who has gone.

But there are others who, unless I’m terribly mistaken, weren’t mad at me at all. A few even said they expected me to pick up and leave sometime.

But there is one person in particular who I was close to, one person who wasn’t mad at me for leaving, one person who said s/he expected me to leave… There is one person who, as far as I knew, was there for me. We weren’t so close at first, but we learned to understand each other and became closer for it.

But, now, what hurts the most is I’m severing ties to that person.

Since I left, I have been trying to establish and maintain contact with the person I’m speaking about. No luck. No go. S/he has my email address, has access to free internet, even has my mailing address… This person knows I would send money if s/he needed it to pay for stamps. I’d do it, just to stay in contact.

Not anymore.

I’m tired of making all the effort, trying to get in contact, trying, trying, trying. I thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong because I haven’t heard anything.

I thought I knew the person, but I guess I was wrong. But I’m not going to let it upset me anymore. I’m done.

By Mr. JM

Today we head out into the fire-ravaged countryside around Melbourne. For those who don’t know, Victoria, Australia, has been hit by the worst fires ever in our history.

Almost 200 people died in a firestorm that burned hot enough to melt metal, totally destroyed towns and swept across the land so fast that it burned out entire towns while leaving green leaves at the tops of trees. At times the fire front was being sucked along by its own wind at speed in excess of 100kms per hour – that’s 60mph. You can outrun that on the open highway in a car – on windy narrow mountain roads, not a chance and many people died in their cars.

So why, just days after the horror, are we heading up that way?

We go to celebrate a Valentines Day together, in a lovely little pub just to the North of the worst of the blazes that swept north of Melbourne. We go to start the process of bringing money back into the area, as a gesture of defiance at the devastation being able to interrupt the normal life of the wonderful people who live in the country and we go to show them they are being thought of by people other than those who have gone through the inferno.

I sent an email around my work, emphasising that people need to think about the near future for these places. Give them a few months to get the rebuilding well under way, but make plans to head on out, visit the devastated towns and spend some money there.

The people of Melbourne and the rest of Australia have raised almost a hundred million dollars to help, the Red Cross is turning away blood donors because they cannot handle the sheer volume of people showing up to give blood, and the government is making ready to rebuild these communities as soon as they can get into them, but what is important is after the news has died away, when the aid has done its job and the communities are starting to live again – we need to get out there and support them by using their services, buying their produce and crafts, eating at their pubs, restaurants and cafes.

So we go to have a lovely night together, in beautiful rooms with excellent food, at The Peppercorn Hotel in Yea.

As you have probably already heard (or, at least, should have, given I’ve been shouting it from the top of every virtual rooftop I have), the state of Victoria in Australia is experiencing the most tragic bushfire that has ever occurred in our lifetimes. With over 170 dead, more than 750 homes burned and entire towns wiped out, it is almost beyond comprehension that all of this could happen in such a short space of time.

Unlike entirely too many others, I’m pretty much safe and sound where I am in Victoria. I’m in no danger. But like every other Australian soul – and many international souls, for that matter – I cried and ached for any way I could help.

I called my husband yesterday and talked to him about donating blood. While I had posted links everywhere I could think of so people could help if they were able, I didn’t feel like it was enough. Even though getting blood out of me can be a trial for even the most experienced nurses, I could think of no better way to really help support my fellow Victorians.

Mr. JM felt the same, so when he got home from work, we walked down to the local Red Cross. When we arrived there, we saw what is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Every single available bed had been filled. The lounge area had people sitting at tables filling out their paperwork, waiting to donate. There was a line at the reception desk of people eager to donate.

I nearly started crying then and there.

Mr. JM and I were turned away, told that it would be best if we made an appointment and that it could take a week or two to get in. A week or two!

I have never had so much pride for Australians as I did in that moment. The Red Cross is turning away eager donors all over the place for lack of being able to get to them all, sites have requested no more goods donations because they don’t have the people to sort them and they’re just getting too full, a single radio station just today has raised 1.5 million dollars…

All those things won’t bring back the lives lost or the precious items lost, but it will help to start rebuilding lives.

Australia, I for one, am so proud.

Today I received my first ‘year in summary’ Christmas letter.

You know the type. “Oh, my gosh. Has another year really gone by so fast? Apparently it has. Let me tell you all the things I’ve been doing.”

As much as I would like to make fun of the YIS letter, insult it a bit, maybe threaten it with a pie in the face, I have to admit I don’t mind them too much.

The letter that came today came all the way from a dear friend in Canada whom I haven’t had contact with since not long after Christmas 2007. It’s great to read about how she’s getting on, what’s new in her life, etc, because we only have postal mail contact and she lives on the other side of the world.

However, there are those letters that never fail to piss me off. I bet you know them too.

There is the snooty variety. Just picture me pointing my nose up in the air and speaking in a disdainful tone. “Well, now we had to sell off the third car in late February, we’re really proud of meeting the credit crunch face on.” Right.

There is the pointless drivel variety. “We got a puppy and we named him Max. He’s a XXXX breed crossed with a XXXX breed but we really think he looks like he has a bit of XXXX breed in him even though his… And then in February…”

There is also one of my personal favourites, TMI addict variety. I won’t go into the specifics of that one, but they usually involve kids, body functions and ‘yay!’ learning new things.

Even with all the horrible varieties, I’m still halfway temped to type up my own ‘Days of Our Lives 2008’ just because it’s easy to type up one thing and print off multiple copies. I’m not actually sending out cards this Christmas, but still.

Do you do the ‘YIS’ typed Christmas letter?

In The Wizard of Oz, when the wizard is revealed, he is depressed at first. It is a scary thing and sometimes a sad thing when you don’t think the real you will measure up to the illusion you have created. But there was also the sense of relief the wizard felt about not having to ‘keep up appearances’ any longer.

But what happens when you have created a negative illusion and you hold on so tightly that it starts becoming the reality?

There is a couple I know – I’ll call them Max and Katie – who have been married for a long time, have a house, have kids… and I would challenge anyone to not be shocked at the way Max speaks to and about Katie. ‘With contempt’ seems like the accurate description most of the time.

Why does Max feel that way about Katie? No reason. Or rather, no real reason.

When the illusion you are portraying is a negative one and you hold onto that illusion with an iron fist, eventually the illusion becomes the reality. What is behind the curtain no longer matters as much.

I admit that I’m putting it a bit simply this way, but what probably started out as a little bit of mouthing off about Katie behind her back to ‘the guys’ snowballed. Instead of having the occasional rant session, he started talking about her that way to other people as well. His disregard then morphed from something he only did when she wasn’t around to the way he treated her to her face.

We create our own environment in many, many ways. What you say about someone when s/he isn’t there influences how you treat him/her when s/he is there.

When it comes to what is out in the open and what is securely behind the curtain in your relationship, it’s your choice where you draw the line and how much you share. However, consider the environment you are creating.

How many times have you truly felt better after having complained about your partner to your friends?

The Wizard of Oz is initially depressed about people seeing who he truly is. He agrees with Dorothy about being a bad man for tricking people with the illusion. But when he realizes they like him as he is and have forgiven him for what he did, he becomes more secure in his person.

When it comes to sharing details about your relationship behind the curtain, it can be a relief to ‘let your guard down’ and let other people see that you get frustrated as well. Sometimes it’s just plain nice to let loose and complain when you’re feeling frustrated. However, when it comes to revealing details about what happens in your relationship when no one is watching to either online or to friends, the first matter you should always consider is privacy.

My husband has a friend – “Ben” – who likes to be the ‘typical bloke’ and complain about his partner to the other guys. ‘The old ball and chain’ is a common point of complaint – even though you know he wouldn’t speak like that if his partner was present.

The funny thing about Ben is that he doesn’t understand my husband. It boggles his mind that Mr. JM doesn’t feel the need to complain about me or what I do. He gets annoyed that Mr. JM doesn’t participate in the ‘spouse complaint sessions’.

How do I know this? Ben told me so.

Mr. JM was there when Ben talked to me about it and we later talked about it. Mr. JM said, “I don’t think it’s any of his business what’s happening in our relationship and I don’t feel the need to complain about you behind your back like that.”

(Talk about being a proud wife…) Whenever I feel inclined to talk about private matters to people, I remember him saying that. It never fails to slap me out of the momentary feeling.

Just because ‘everyone’ is doing it doesn’t mean it’s right. You shouldn’t feel like you have to join in on the partner-bashing sessions just because everyone else is doing it. What is your business is your business, and people who pressure you to talk about those things are just looking for good gossip.

But if it’s a matter of wanting to complain about that thing s/he likes to do in bed or how s/he has a secret fascination with ‘x’, try reversing the roles and thinking about how you would feel.

Meet Chloe and Dexter. (If you hover over the picture, you can see which one is which.) Chloe is an Australian native flowering plant and Dexter is a good ol’ ivy. Both are very sturdy plants, like to grow all over the place, take little maintenance care (it’s okay if I forget to water them one day) and are basically the perfect plants for a beginner gardener like me.

And, given I can’t get a cat and I probably can’t get a dog, I named them.

If you talked to the me of only five years ago, I would have told you that I’m not mother material. The whole maternal instincts kicking in? I never figured that would happen to me. I wasn’t even the kind of little girl who wanted baby dolls to take care of; it just plain didn’t jive for me.

These days? Well, I don’t know if it’s marriage or if it’s just plain time, but I find myself aching for a family. My husband ‘divorced’ his family before I met him, so I’ve never met any of them. My family and I aren’t on the best of terms either. While I consider some new friends I’ve made here like family, it’s not quite the same as getting started making your own family.

Health issues (and financial issues, too) prevent us from starting to try just yet and it’s dragging me down. Over the past… Oh, I don’t know how long it’s been now, but what started out as an exciting but scary idea has now become a small ache in me. So, until I get my health straightened out and we get a bit of a nest egg, I’ll be taking care of Chloe and Dexter and hoping that will ease the ache for the time being.

I guess I am mother material after all.

Have you ever had one of those moments after you’ve said or done something when you realize that you really wish you hadn’t done or said that thing?

Of course you have. We all have.

I have decided that after I get the recipe and patent for mind soap all squared away, I’m going to invent a time machine. Alternatively, I might invent the SPAR machine (Stupidity Prevention And Removal machine), but I’m leaning towards a time machine as being the easier option.

(You see, a time machine not only enables us to take back our stupid moments but to learn from them as well.)

Why?

I’m a friendly person by nature and, being such a person, I tend to forget that not everyone is friendly as me. In fact, I’ve heard there are nasty people out there who dream of hitting friendly, cheerful people on their heads with shovels. So when I send out a friendly message to someone and get a not-so-friendly message in return, I tend to feel not only upset but embarrassed as well.

But such is the nature of relationships. You have to be observant. As much as it would make everyone else in the world easier to deal with if they were clones of you, it would make the world boring as well. (Unless you have some very kinky fantasies.)

Another thing I have to remember when things like this happen is that you have to put yourself in other people’s shoes. Look at things from their viewpoint. That won’t save you from all the in-the-moment stumbles, but if you take three seconds to think before you send an email, make that phone call, respond to what that person said, you could save yourself (and your relationships) a lot of embarrassment and bad feelings.

Better to be observant and have empathy for people that to sit around waiting for my time machine, eh?

I have a dear friend who lives in Canada and has been friends with me and my husband since the beginning of our relationship. She’s been there with us through the highs and lows of our relationship as well as our (the three of us) relationships with other people. It’s no big surprise she’s special to me and Mr. JM.

But, living in Canada and with us living in Australia, it’s not always easy to catch up. With time zone differences, work and social commitments, etc, it’s not always easy to talk to each other.

But it’s always worth it.

Though I’ve been back for nearly a week, today is the first day we finally got to catch up about what’s been going on in our lives. I don’t have a lot of close female friends here, so having someone to gasbag with about this and that is always nice. It’s always especially nice to talk to Hawke because of the shared history.

I can talk to her about anything and she never gets sick of anything. I go on tangents about sex, men, children, relationships and whatever else, and she’s always right there with me about it all.

She’s an awesome person and I love knowing that she’s always right there for me online, even though she can’t be right there for me in person. (Someday I’ll get her on a plane over here…)

Do you have a bestie? Take time on your blog to talk about your friend(s) and leave a link in the comments here.

Scene: Aged care facility serviced by the company my husband works for.

D: …which means that family is very important to you. Because you don’t have a good family background, it’s important for you to start a good family. [Gives Mr. JM a look.]
Mr. JM: What?
Me: [giggles]

I’m beginning to feel sorry for my husband, despite the fact I warned him it would happen.

Once you hit your first wedding anniversary and you don’t have any children, it’s only a matter of time before people start prodding you about children. If you don’t want children and make that clear, then you should be fine. However, if you’re like me and Mr. JM – you want children sometime in the future – then the road you travel is a bit more annoying.

Because he sees more people during the day and most of his coworkers know me, Mr. JM is taking the brunt of ‘is she pregnant yet?’ prodding. I’ve been asked about children a couple times while volunteering there – even the ‘are you pregnant yet?’ question – but I haven’t had nearly the amount of commentary he has.

The thing is – and I feel horrible about this – I’m almost, almost, glad that people are mentioning things so he thinks about it without me having to mention it.

Bad JM. Bad wife.

But I do feel bad for him.

~
PS. I think Mr. JM needs a new blog name here. “Mr. JM” is all fine and well, but… What do you think?

I have a friend I have known for a few years now. He’s younger than me by a couple years, and we email each other regularly. While I care about him in the friendship sense and like talking to him, there are many times he drives me absolutely bonkers.

Why? His views on relationships.

You see, this young man – Adam – is your typical unmotivated teenager who isn’t quite sure why he’s here and what he wants to do with his life. That’s all fine and good – plenty of people twice his age have no idea what they want to do what their lives – except for one crucial point: He is of the opinion that a relationship will be the catalyst that makes his life better.

Are you rolling your eyes or shaking your head yet?

I don’t have a degree in psychology – didn’t quite finish all my courses for that – nor am I any sort of relationship guru, but if I have learned one thing about relationships, it’s that you need to change yourself – no one is going to do it for you.

One of my biggest things to get past in my relationship with my husband was the fact that I could not control his happiness (or sadness for that matter). I could certainly contribute and make his life easier, but I could in no way ‘make’ him get past issues he had before we met. Nor could he magic away all my past issues.

So, having learned this hard lesson, it makes me sad to see someone hinging his happiness on whether or not he gets a relationship. Even if he does find a lovely lady and the rosy glow makes things happy again, if it’s to be a significant relationship, his previous problems will all show through sooner or later.

Alas, he has to learn this lesson on his own, as he tends to ‘smile and nod’ away whatever I tell him…

Such as life.

Hello everyone and happy Fourth of July! I am not in the States anymore, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten all the fireworks shows, cookouts, and family get togethers on this particular day in July. For everyone who is celebrating, I wish each and every one of you a safe and happy holiday. The fourth is one of the most fun holidays I celebrated when I was back in the States, so I hope you make the best of it.

By the way, if you want to know some interesting things about watermelon, you might want to check out Finally Getting Fit.

This is Friday, which has been a ‘weekend homework’ day in the past. This weekend is easy. Just make the most of the time you spend with family and friends this weekend. Make sure the people who are important to you know how important they are to you. Don’t put things off. Don’t take people/things for granted. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

No, I’m not being morbid or anything. I’m just reminding you – if you need reminding me – to fully appreciate what you have.

And with that, I again wish you a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating. If you’re like me and live outside the US, that doesn’t mean you can’t hold a ‘just because’ celebration anyway and catch up with friends and family. Make it a pot luck and you won’t even have to cook much!

Have a good one.

It feels like a lot has happened since the sites went down, but I have a sinking feeling that it actually wasn’t that much. Haha. I plan to catch up on the Love Questions I missed while I was gone and I’m hoping to find some new things to put here to spice things up a bit. If you have any suggestions for relationship-related content (jokes, comics, post subjects, etc) let me know.

While the sites were down, my husband did end up going on a work trip that separated us for nearly five days (he got home in the evening and I had about two hours with him before bed) and everything went well. He had a safe trip back and forth and we both tolerated our first separation quite well.

We had a little hiccup when he got back, but things are settling down and I’m very glad to have him back. He has mentioned that he probably has to go back soon. While I’d love to go with him again this time, I might not be able to. At least I know this time that things will be fine.

It took him actually going away for a while for me to realize that I wasn’t thinking something would actually happen to him. The reason for my upset more came from me having to face my fear of what would happen if something happened to him.

As a pleasant surprise, many people stepped forward to let me know they would be there if something happened, and that felt great knowing how many people care that much about me and my husband.

This weekend we’re planning a special day out to catch up (he had to go straight back to work and has been working late) and relax.

What are your weekend plans?

I talk a lot about romantic relationships here and I can’t really help myself. I didn’t have a very healthy family relationship growing up. That is, now that I can look back on things. Times weren’t always bad, by any means, but times weren’t always that great either. And by the end (end meaning before I moved to Australia), well, let’s just say I’m still healing from all that.

I think it’s only natural that I talk about the healthy relationship in my life, which happens to be the romantic one. Marriage is, albeit, still quite new to me and I tend to get excited about them and want to share things. But that definitely doesn’t mean I’m not willing to talk about other relationships.

Like family.

I posted on my personal blog about a conversation I had with my husband last night. It all came down to me feeling frustrated about not being able to, as one person, have the positive impact on the world that I would like to. All around me I see racism, greed, and willful ignorance. It upsets me to no end.

A friend of mine commented and sympathized with how I was feeling. She knew what I was talking about and felt the same frustration at not being able to do much about it.

But instead of just leaving it at that, she offered me a glimmer of hope. A reminder of the awesome amount of good humanity can do. She sent me a link to something that reminds me there are truly loving family relationships out there and people do care.

So if you’re feeling negative or a little helpless, check out the link. Remember that you may be one person, but all the positive relationships you can keep are wonderful things. All the little things you can do for other people are wonderful things to.

Give of yourself to your brothers and sisters.

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***