Long Relationships

I talk a lot about romantic relationships here and I can’t really help myself. I didn’t have a very healthy family relationship growing up. That is, now that I can look back on things. Times weren’t always bad, by any means, but times weren’t always that great either. And by the end (end meaning before I moved to Australia), well, let’s just say I’m still healing from all that.

I think it’s only natural that I talk about the healthy relationship in my life, which happens to be the romantic one. Marriage is, albeit, still quite new to me and I tend to get excited about them and want to share things. But that definitely doesn’t mean I’m not willing to talk about other relationships.

Like family.

I posted on my personal blog about a conversation I had with my husband last night. It all came down to me feeling frustrated about not being able to, as one person, have the positive impact on the world that I would like to. All around me I see racism, greed, and willful ignorance. It upsets me to no end.

A friend of mine commented and sympathized with how I was feeling. She knew what I was talking about and felt the same frustration at not being able to do much about it.

But instead of just leaving it at that, she offered me a glimmer of hope. A reminder of the awesome amount of good humanity can do. She sent me a link to something that reminds me there are truly loving family relationships out there and people do care.

So if you’re feeling negative or a little helpless, check out the link. Remember that you may be one person, but all the positive relationships you can keep are wonderful things. All the little things you can do for other people are wonderful things to.

Give of yourself to your brothers and sisters.

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

My husband and I are both creative writers and both write a combination of poetry and novels. (I lean towards novels and he leans towards poetry.) We both joined an online forum for creative writing and noticed each other but didn’t talk much.

One night, we were both online and knew someone else from the site who introduced us to each other (via instant messenger). I guess you could say it was love at first chat session because we talked one way or another for almost every day for a year after we met.

I kept the relationship rather quiet because I didn’t have a supportive family when it came to internet relationships. My parents didn’t (and probably still don’t) know how to turn on a computer, much less use the internet. Because of that, they bought into every internet horror story they ever heard on the news despite the fact I a.) wasn’t twelve years old and b.) wasn’t meeting random people from MySpace in bars.

Eventually my brother calmed her down and explained to her that the internet was how a lot of people met and, taking the right precautions, it could be perfectly safe. And he’s right. More and more people are meeting online and starting relationships from there.

So I thought I would put up a poll (because I love polls even more than lists) to find out what the readers here have done and feel when it comes to online relationships. Feel free to add on your story and/or thoughts in the comments section!

PS. Tomorrow is Reader Appreciation Day! Be sure to stop by again and see what you have to do to get your chance to win not one, but TWO awesome prizes!

Relationships are the things that can completely define our lives. Some we choose, some we don’t, but we maintain a level of control with all of them. Sometimes it doesn’t always feel like we have any control in some relationships, and that’s where the problem starts.

It may feel silly to say that your spouse is a bit of a bully or that you don’t know what to do because your parents make you feel awful but they’re you’re parents so you should love them…but you definitely aren’t alone when it comes to these type of things.

When you talk about your life and the reasons behind what you do, the term ‘should’ will probably come out of your mouth a few times. It’s the ‘should’ that alerts you to training that you received growing up. “I should love my parents unconditionally. I should obey my husband.”

It’s because of this training – the ‘shoulds’ in our lives – that we often stay in unhealthy relationships even though part (or all) of us knows that the relationship is bad for us. But it’s not exactly easy to reach out for help – especially with all those ‘shoulds’ floating around in our heads and the feelings of being silly or over sensitive.

If you’re concerned about a friend, family or romantic relationship in your life, one place you might want to start is at ReachOut.com.au where they have an awesome list of fact sheets about all kinds of relationships. They provide the basics on information about romantic and non-romantic relationships.

I hope you find it useful.

Sometimes, you just have to take some time away.

Couples sometimes forget that relationships to involve work. Work is a term we associate with certain non-relationship things, though, so we forget. We forget that changing for people is work. Learning to communicate more effectively is work. Balancing work, love, family, and friendship is work.

There is a lot of work involved in relationships, but the benefits of work are some of the greatest you’ll ever experience.

Then again, you don’t really need me to tell you that, do you?

On the subject of taking time away, that’s probably one of the things couples do less and less these days. There are so many responsibilities, and with rising costs, taking time off work and spending money for pleasure doesn’t always seem the most practical thing to do.

However, it is necessary to remember that work and money aren’t nearly as important as the relationships we have – and often take for granted.

Having had a bit of a stressful time lately, both with work and home life, my husband and I are taking advantage of the long holiday and are going camping.

Yes, you say, that may be all fine and well with you, but I have responsibilities.

Yes, any holiday brings with it responsibility and you might not be able to get away. However, if you’re the one hosting dinner, egg hunt, etc and it’s nothing but a stress for you (and thus for your partner), then you might want to ask why you’re doing it.

A lot of us impose responsibilities on ourselves because self-expectation and family expectations. But in the end, the pendulum of care has to swing back towards ‘me’ sometimes.

Weigh your options this week and figure out the best time to take some time away with your partner.

Welcome back to Long Relationships. I hope you enjoyed our guests last week, and I hope you get the book. I’m reading it, and it’s fantastic so far.

As you probably know very well, this week is Valentine’s Day week.

When I was younger (and single), Valentines Day represented…not a lot to me. I was never one of those people who thought Valentines Day was created by evil to make single people to feel miserable.

Valentines Day is a day for couples to celebrate their love for each other. But it’s also a day you can celebrate friendship, your love for your children, and other forms of love. A lot of people don’t see past the couple aspect of the day, though.

So, this Valentines Day, remember to be sensitive to your single friends (maybe send some anonymous flowers or chocolates?) while you’re busy focusing on the happiness you have with your significant other.

And if you’re single, then don’t let the day get you down! There are plenty of Valentines Day alternatives (girls movie night, anyone?) for people who don’t have that ‘other’ to celebrate with yet. Enjoy the day and the weekend, be happy for those who have found their loves and let the day be an encouragement instead of depressing if you haven’t found your love yet!

Hugs and love to everyone this week. Have fun and try to behave.

Don’t forget: If you want the chance to win a copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire then check out this post!

This week we have been talking about couples and weight. I have been thinking for a while about how I wanted to close this subject (for now) in a way that relates to relationships in general. What’s the bottom line that truly connects it all together?

Support.

In relationships, in weight loss, and in many other things, support is what will keep you going. Support is what will help you to accept your mistakes instead of letting your mistakes rule you.

Weight loss is very hard. Everyone who is heavy is heavy for a reason. Sometimes someone just truly loves good food and flavours. Other time, overeating is a coping mechanism that grows into a habit the person keeps whether or not they are still getting over the original issue.

Psychology is – or should be – as much of a part of weight loss as exercise is. Unfortunately, we still rely on pills, try to find the quick fix, address the physical and not the mental or emotionally, and everything else to avoid addressing the underlying issues.

That’s where the strong support of a partner (family member, or friend) comes in. A supporting partner will be there to be strong when the other person simply can’t. A supporting partner can make the difference in a day of depression versus a week or even a month.

So for those of you out there who have overweight partners, encourage your partner to live a healthier (and thus likely longer) life no matter how much it may hurt his/her feelings at the time. Encourage your partner in all his/her weight loss goals.

And be there when your partner starts uncovering the reasons behind being overweight.

Because when you’re trying to lose weight, a strong support in your life is worth more than anything else in the world.

PS. If you’re trying to lose weight, never ever be afraid to admit you want/ask for help.

Not all long relationships are romantic or even fun.

Some relationships we don’t get to choose.

The family relationship is a strange one because it comes with so many more strings than any other relationships. Society has so much to say about the family. ‘Love your mother.’ ‘Obey your father.’ ‘Be nice to your siblings.’ So on and so forth.

No wonder we get so mixed up.

With same sex parents, divorces, remarriages, step-families, etc, today’s family isn’t at all like what it used to be. A lot of us grow up with messages that are vastly different than our parents or their parents grew up with, and that’s only if our families are clear about what’s going on.

Things get ultimately more confusing if you grow up with no one explaining to you why your best friend has two sets of grandparents like a ‘normal’ family and you have three or four.

The thing to remember about families is they can be great long relationships…and they can be some of the worst. Like my husband says, the people you have no choice to be around have a greater responsibility to treat you right. A friend who treats you wrong is a little bit your fault because you chose them; a family member who treats you wrong is just wrong.

In the future, I will be talking about families, their role in our lives, and other family-related things. If there is anything specific you would like me to touch on, don’t hesitate to let me know.

Yesterday I touched on today’s lack of definitive roles for males and females and the push towards the asexual society. I finished up the post by saying: I’m not saying, “Whahoo! Let’s go back to the days of the past when ‘proper’ ladies wore skirts and all men were the breadwinners.”

The unfortunate thing about calling sillybuggers on the current way we’re heading is you are accused of wanting to go back to suppressing women. “Keep ‘em pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen.”

You’re accused of being old fashioned if you practice it, you’re accused of sexism as well as other things if you point out the way we’re heading, and things only tend to get more confused.

So what are we supposed to do with all this confusion?

A way to begin looking at conflicts and start solving them is looking at the parents of both partners.

How did your parents treat each other? How did your partner’s parents treat each other? By investigating the ways the two differ, you can begin to get a glimpse of what could be causing conflict and/or confusion in your relationship.

For a personal example, I grew up in a household where my mother made the rules and my father was the punishment giver who didn’t say much. However, the chores were eventually forgotten and the lines became blurry.

Then soon after I graduated high school, my parents found a church I’m choosing not to name. My mother turned into a submissive wife and my father turned into the dominant force in the house. While they were figuring out their new roles and trying to impose new ideals on me, I was internally conflicted. I felt as if they were betraying the roles and values they’d taught me growing up.

When I moved in with my husband, I was a very confused person in terms of our roles in the relationship. Thankfully, my husband understood my confusion and was encouraging as I worked out exactly who I wanted to be. We often compared the traits of our parents’ relationships and talked about how we felt about the roles we would take over.

By talking, comparing, and talking some more, we’ve avoided a lot of conflict and confusion. Yes, there are a few annoyances here and there, but they’re a lot fewer and less annoying than they could be.