Long Relationships

It feels like a lot has happened since the sites went down, but I have a sinking feeling that it actually wasn’t that much. Haha. I plan to catch up on the Love Questions I missed while I was gone and I’m hoping to find some new things to put here to spice things up a bit. If you have any suggestions for relationship-related content (jokes, comics, post subjects, etc) let me know.

While the sites were down, my husband did end up going on a work trip that separated us for nearly five days (he got home in the evening and I had about two hours with him before bed) and everything went well. He had a safe trip back and forth and we both tolerated our first separation quite well.

We had a little hiccup when he got back, but things are settling down and I’m very glad to have him back. He has mentioned that he probably has to go back soon. While I’d love to go with him again this time, I might not be able to. At least I know this time that things will be fine.

It took him actually going away for a while for me to realize that I wasn’t thinking something would actually happen to him. The reason for my upset more came from me having to face my fear of what would happen if something happened to him.

As a pleasant surprise, many people stepped forward to let me know they would be there if something happened, and that felt great knowing how many people care that much about me and my husband.

This weekend we’re planning a special day out to catch up (he had to go straight back to work and has been working late) and relax.

What are your weekend plans?

Yesterday I talked about one of the things I love about my husband is the fact that he’s always ‘real’ with people, no matter who they are. He doesn’t change because someone is poor or rich or female or male… He is who he is – the man I love. Unlike me, who doesn’t have ‘masks’ per se, but I do act differently around different people.

This got me thinking about whether or not it’s easier for guys to be ‘real’ than it is for women.

We have all heard countless reports and studies about social pressures for women, how women are treated differently, so on and so forth. But does that mean ‘being yourself’ comes easier for men than it does for women? Do guys have an easier time being comfortable with themselves?

Is it just a guy thing?

I’m inclined to think not. My marriage started out as an internet romance, and I think part of the reason it continued on successfully through the transition from online to physical reality is because my husband and I were always ‘real’ with each other. We didn’t do the ‘masks’ thing and we never tried to be anything that we weren’t.

I also know that, strangely enough, I am more comfortable with myself and who I am than my husband is, despite the fact that he’s more himself more of the time than I am.

What do you think? Do men have just as many masks as women or is it easier for men to be ‘real’ all the time?

Last night, the man and I went to bed early to get some cuddle and conversation time, which I always love. After a while of talking about this and that, we were quiet for a bit and I thought.

Then I said, “You know what I love about you? You’re real. You’re you. You’re always you to everyone, no matter who it is.”

After pondering that for a bit, he wasn’t quite sure that was a good thing or not, so I went on to explain: “You’re real means that you’re not the kind of person to put on ‘faces’ for other people. You are who you are to everyone. There is no fake you that you show when dealing with certain people.”

After realizing I was trying to compliment him, he still seemed a bit perplexed but happy.

The thing about it was that I wish I could say I am always the true JM no matter who I am talking to. The trouble is that I’m not. I have a phone voice, I act differently around different groups of people, trying to appear tougher or more pleasant or whatever depending on the circumstances.

That’s not to say that behavior – changing a bit depending on who you’re talking to – is always a bad thing, but a lot of the time, it is because you’re not being true.

It’s important in a relationship – in all relationships, really – to just be who you are. It’s much better to be yourself than to have bad times with others when they find out you’re really like this or that.

Are you yourself around everyone? Or do you put on masks for certain people?

Last night, the husband and I went out for some of our favourite – Mongolian BBQ. He’d been late home from work, so it was nice to go out and relax some of the stress away.

As we sat and ate, he told me the reason that he was late was because he had a meeting with a couple other people from his section. The company he works for is setting up a site in another state and he’s needed down there for a weekend to help set up. (My husband is a computer guy. (Purr.)) He’ll fly down and fly back.

I’m used to going on trips with him and it’s pretty well known that I do travel with him. They told him yesterday that they are fine with me going as well so long as I’m okay occupying myself with whatever during work hours. That is absolutely fine with me, but there is just one thing…

We have to pay for my ticket.

While a state to state, domestic, flight shouldn’t cost that much, ‘that much’ could still prove to be too much. Talking with my husband today, I realized that if I don’t go on the trip, it’ll be the first time since I arrived in Australia that we would be apart for a night. (In this case, two or three nights.)

While it’s quite sweet and romantic that we haven’t been apart one night for more than a year and a half, I mentioned to my husband that if we can’t afford the ticket, maybe it would be good for us.

I’m wondering: Have you spent nights apart from your partner? Do you think spending nights apart (for whatever reasons) is a good thing? Or does it not matter?

This is an entry from my journal that I found today while trying to find an old recipe. It made me smile, and I’m hoping it’ll make you smile too.

2007

Scene: In Melbourne at the Cricketer’s Pub. It’s about 4.30 pm on a warm Thursday. Husband is looking around while taking drinks from his VB and Wife (me) is enjoying a glass of Smirnoff red label. After spending time talking about various locations for Wife’s novel, the conversation turns to Husband’s novel, which he has yet to work on.

Husband: I’ll be your editor and you will be mine.

Wife [smirking]: If you ever write.

Husband: True.

Wife [wishing he would finally get started on what she thinks is an awesome idea]: That’s what I’ve always said - you’re married to an editor and won’t have to pay for the service.

Husband [grinning]: I pay for the service by letting you use my body.

[Wife pauses and thinks about this for a moment.]

Wife: You pay for the service by being my whore?

Husband [sputters a bit]: I wouldn’t have used such…emotive words.

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes what he’s gotten into by marrying me.

I sat on the couch with my laptop and Mr. JM sat not far away at his computer. I was getting more and more upset as time passed and began typing an email to one of my friends because I didn’t know what else to do.

I hadn’t been typing long before I realized that complaining to my friend might feel good, but it wouldn’t actually solve anything. So I closed the email without sending it, closed my laptop and then asked Mr. JM if we could talk.

Having a ‘talk’ with your partner is never easy. There is always the chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and making things worse. There is that urge in us to not hurt the other person, so we try to bury feelings and avoid problems rather than face the prospect of hurting or upsetting the other person (or ourselves).

But as I have learned time and time again, avoiding problems and burying feelings doesn’t make them go away. Not by a long shot.

So while it hurt and was incredibly emotionally draining, I am glad my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about our issues so we could start working on things.

Here are some tips on making talks a bit easier:

*Don’t start one when you’re angry. Doing that will almost guarantee you making things worse.

*Eliminate distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, and other distractions. They only give you an excuse to get out of things before they are solved.

*Don’t interrupt.

*Assure your partner that you are truly listening to what s/he is saying by saying things like “I understand that you are upset because…” and “I know what when I do this, you feel…”

*Remember, the point of a talk should never be to ‘win’, it should be to be heard.

Do you have any tips for making talks go smoothly?

Just like cuddle time is important in a relationship, so is personal time. Spending all day and every day with your SO is only going to lead to snarling and annoyance if it keeps going on.

Personal time is also important because you should know what makes you, personally, happy in terms of just you, not the relationship. It’s more than easy to get caught up in the wants and needs of your partner and/or the relationship. However, continually giving without taking some time for yourself will only lead to resentment (and worse).

So, to welcome in this dreary day in Oz, here are a few ideas of how to brighten your day and give yourself a bit of a treat (and some self-bonding):

*Meditate. Meditation is great for calming you down, getting you focused and centered, and helping you to concentrate.

*Go to the park. Being outside in the sunshine and nature is a great way to relax and ground yourself. Take a journal with you if you want to write and/or a camera to get some great nature shots.

*Go to the mall/shopping centre. If you’re someone who likes a little retail therapy to refocus, then there is nothing better than going out and having a bit of a shop.

*Go to the library. Almost guaranteed to be quiet, this could be just the place for you to get comfortable and get some reading done.

*Take an extended coffee break. Go to or find a nice local coffee shop and watch the world go by while sipping a yummy cup of coffee.

What do you do to take personal time?

Times are certainly changing, aren’t they? Or rather, they have already changed a lot in the past decades and are continuing to change. We’re thinking differently, acting differently, and doing things differently in regards to relationships.

No longer is there a gasp of horror about couples ‘living in sin’ before marriage. Couples are even taking holidates to give things a go before taking the marriage plunge. You would think most people would regard these as good things along the lines of freedom and ‘trying before buying’ lifestyles.

But are they a good thing?

I think to my own marriage and I know that for my husband and me, the event was not religious. We didn’t get married because we had the ‘living in sin’ thing hanging over us or because it was expected of us for any religious type reasons. We got married because one, the time was right (I made sure of that) and two, because it’s something we’d wanted to do for a long time.

Either way, I would have lived with him beforehand and gone travelling with him beforehand. And I don’t think those things negatively impacted our relationship whatsoever. Nor did it lessen how meaningful our marriage was when it took place. The meaning it had for us was determined by us.

But does it work that way for everyone?

What do you think? What is marriage for you? Does it hold all the religious and spiritual meanings for you or did you get married because ‘that’s just what people do’? Somewhere in between? If you’re married, did you live with your spouse beforehand?

Last week, Aud asked in love question five: “Do you think a man should pay on the first date and if he doesn’t, what would be your impression of him?”

Shannon commented that she would expect the guy to pay and that she’s a little ‘old fashioned’ in that way.

That got me thinking.

When did we, as women, start thinking – and even feeling guilty about it – that basic common courtesy from men in terms of opening a door and helping with bags is a bad thing? When did we become ‘old fashioned’ if we expected a guy to pay on the date?

When did chivalry and courtesy become such an issue between men and women?

Admittedly, men don’t have it easy. I know guys who have been snapped at by women who don’t even want a man helping them with their bags. It’s no wonder many of them have stopped even if it’s their natural urge to help someone.

In my opinion, if I need help and a man offers it, I’ll be grateful. Yes, I expect my husband to open the door for me if we’re walking into a building at the same time. Yes, I expect my husband to carry the heavier grocery bags and even open cans and jars when I can’t.

Is it wrong for me to expect that? I don’t think so. I think it would be wrong if I expected every single male, no matter what they are doing, to open the door or help me with something. But I don’t think it’s wrong to expect help or courtesy – from other men or women.

It’s a tough issue, that’s for sure. What’s chivalry? What’s courtesy? When does expectation go too far?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

I talk a lot about romantic relationships here and I can’t really help myself. I didn’t have a very healthy family relationship growing up. That is, now that I can look back on things. Times weren’t always bad, by any means, but times weren’t always that great either. And by the end (end meaning before I moved to Australia), well, let’s just say I’m still healing from all that.

I think it’s only natural that I talk about the healthy relationship in my life, which happens to be the romantic one. Marriage is, albeit, still quite new to me and I tend to get excited about them and want to share things. But that definitely doesn’t mean I’m not willing to talk about other relationships.

Like family.

I posted on my personal blog about a conversation I had with my husband last night. It all came down to me feeling frustrated about not being able to, as one person, have the positive impact on the world that I would like to. All around me I see racism, greed, and willful ignorance. It upsets me to no end.

A friend of mine commented and sympathized with how I was feeling. She knew what I was talking about and felt the same frustration at not being able to do much about it.

But instead of just leaving it at that, she offered me a glimmer of hope. A reminder of the awesome amount of good humanity can do. She sent me a link to something that reminds me there are truly loving family relationships out there and people do care.

So if you’re feeling negative or a little helpless, check out the link. Remember that you may be one person, but all the positive relationships you can keep are wonderful things. All the little things you can do for other people are wonderful things to.

Give of yourself to your brothers and sisters.

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

As the time draws nearer for me to find out if I will be working at the same company my husband works for, my mind wanders to the subject of working with your significant other…

Ever since I announced my intention to apply for the job, I have received a lot of support. I volunteer there regularly, so many people know my work style already. However, I have had a few comments come my way about working with my husband.

We wouldn’t be working directly together on a daily basis at all. I would be in reception and he works in the information services and technologies section. (Otherwise known as ‘he works at the help desk’.) I might need to call on him from time to time to help me with something, but that’s about it.

Even so, we still have had comments, laughs, and head shaking at the though of a husband and wife working together – even in different sections on opposite sites of the building.

I personally believe that we would be just fine. We can put aside our personal squabbles to get things done when they need to be done. But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I can’t really know until it happens?

So I’m wondering:

Could you ever work with your significant other? If only in certain circumstances, what circumstances? Could you put yourself in a professional enough mindset to not let personal disputes effect working together? Do you think you would have an easy time but your partner wouldn’t? Vice versa?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Compared to many, I (now) have an excellent life. I’m a freelance writer and professional blogger. That means I spend a lot of time in the comfort of my own home working at an occupation I love. While I don’t make a lot doing it, by any means, I do have enough to pay the bills.

Plus, who can put a price on happiness?

Recently, a job opportunity came up. The wages will be good, it’s a receptionist position (which I have done in nearly all my past jobs), I already know people at the company… Basically, it’s a good opportunity for me if I choose to take it.

However, taking this job would mean taking a bit of a step back from the name and freelancing career I have been building up over the past year and a half. While I wouldn’t be giving up all my work – certainly not! – I still wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time and effort I’m putting in now.

But I have to face facts. The money is good and we could definitely use it. We are trying to save up for a baby and hopefully a new house. That’s not going to happen any time soon if things don’t change.

While I don’t consider my situation a sacrifice, really, seeing as I don’t have to do it whether I want to or not, I can’t help but wonder…

What have you sacrificed for your relationship? Have you done anything you didn’t want to do for the sake of any aspect of your relationship? How did it turn out? Do you regret the decision or are you glad you did it?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

More fun from Short Sweet Love Poems.

For this week, let’s have a little more fun. Just come up with 5 types of men that you can’t stand and whom you think a woman should never marry, apart from the usual gambler, alcoholic, drug addict, womaniser and abuser.

Different women do have different tastes and distastes in men so, let’s list out yours. Maybe you hate a miser or a control freak. Or perhaps you can’t stand a male chauvinist or someone who always think he is better than you. Whatever they are, list them out so, everyone can have a read.

Love Q #3: What are the 5 types of men that you can’t stand and whom you think a woman should never marry?

1. The Forever Bachelor – Likes the idea of marriage and settling down but is and always has been made to be a bachelor.

2. The “I Care On the Inside” Man – He cares, but he’s so tough and macho that he never (or rarely) shows it. I think it takes more balls to own up to how you feel.

3. Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em Man – People don’t change unless something hugely dramatic happens. And even then most people don’t change. If he liked sleeping around then, commitment to you isn’t going to be his forte.

4. Mr. Indecisive – If it took him forever to go out with you, forever to propose, etc, and he waffled on those decisions, he’s probably not the kind of guy you should go for.

5. Mr. Tight Ass – Your finances are his finances. He wants the change. He wants to see the receipts. He has ideas on how you could better use your money, he always buys generic, and he never thinks of luxury at the end of a hard day. Need I say more?

Check out Nurin and Abbey for their answers.

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Growing up, I often heard the phrase, “You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.” There are different variations on exactly how it’s said, but basically, the bottom line came down to needing to love yourself before you can have a true loving relationship with someone else.

When I met my husband, that phrase haunted me. Neither of us had particularly great self-images and we were both surprised to have found such great love and caring in each other. Our relationship faced its trials and bumps along the way, but we grew ever stronger.

And yet I didn’t feel particularly loving towards myself. I didn’t hate myself by any means, but I wasn’t about to start spoiling myself either.

In fact, I can honestly say that it’s in large part to our not so great self-images that we were very careful about treating each other well and being sensitive to each other’s feelings. It helped us develop the strong relationship that we enjoy today.

But doesn’t that go against the saying? Shouldn’t we still be hanging out with the other singles, trying to develop some smidgen of self love?

I don’t think so. I think it depends on the people. If you want a relationship with some people, you do need to love yourself and be confident. With other people, there is room for a little insecurity.

What do you think? Is it necessary to love yourself to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Or does loving yourself just make a good thing better?

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***

I finished up the last love question and realized that there was already another question up to be answered. So, as a bonus for this week (TGIF!), here is my answer to the second question.

This tag comes courtesy of Short Sweet Love Poems (I had the name wrong in the last post).

When it comes to matters of the heart, often times we are blinded by emotions. We act irrationally and love is also illogical. But love resides in our heart and it is our heart that tells us if we are happy or sad. Comparatively, our head gives us power of reasoning and logic which helps to prevent us from being hurt or betrayed. In life, we do need to be rational but rationality do not bring love and happiness although it protects.

So, for Love Q #2:

When it comes to love, is it better to follow your head or your heart?

Well, that’s a bit of a tough one and has been the subject of many books, movies and poems.

For me, it depends what ‘stage’ you are in. When you are in the rose-tinted glasses stage, it’s better to use your head. The rose tint can cause you to ignore your instincts and do some pretty stupid things. I am absolute no exception to this.

When you have been in a relationship for longer than that, then it’s better to use your heart because you’re more likely to go through tough times when you’re really going to need that heart of yours.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me?

Be sure to stop by Amidrin and Jo-N to see what they have to say on the matter.

***This post is part of the 100 Comments Contest. Click on the link for more information on how you can win.***