Long Relationships

As I’ve mentioned before, last week I was working on a huge project that pretty much had me exhausted by the time I finally went to bed at night. As you can imagine, all that time with me working away left my husband to pick up the slack of responsibility that I usually take care of.

I knew that things were wearing on him like they were on me, and as he climbed into bed the other night, I could tell something was wrong. I decided it was way past time for a ‘check in’ so, even though we were both tired, I prodded him a bit about how he was feeling.

After a while of sliding around the issue, he said, “Well, when you went to bed, you didn’t turn everything off. The heater, the lights, the television. You left it all for me to take care of.”

I felt bad for doing that and apologized, explaining that my head was so stuffy and fuzzy from being tired that I just didn’t think. Usually my apology makes him feel better because he’ll know I’ll work on my behavior. But instead of saying that he understood, he said:

“Yes, but if you were living alone, would you have left all those things on?”

I paused for a moment and all I could think of to say was, “Touche.”

Now, I have always been a person who tries to make sure not to take things for granted, so hearing that from him came as a bit of a blow, to say the least. I know he didn’t mean it to hurt me whatsoever, but it was his way of letting me know that I was taking him for granted.

I’ve since been doing things to let him know how much I appreciate him as well as being conscious of taking care of things that I can do myself instead of just expecting him to do them.

Do you take your partner for granted? Even if it’s just with things like turning off the lights or doing the laundry?

A few nights ago, my husband and I sat down at the pub and our conversation wandered to the marital problems a friend of mine is/was having with her husband. She had mentioned to me that she was shocked when her husband told her that he feels inferior to her.

I wasn’t shocked at all, given that she’s a very strong, independent woman (and raised by a single mother as well). She’s used to doing things on her own and doing whatever is needed to get things done. She’s used to taking care of herself and others and isn’t used to relying on others.

I went on to tell my husband, and he agreed, that a lot of the conflict between her and her husband was probably stemming from the fact that she wasn’t letting him be ‘the man’. She takes care of the children, feeds them, clothes them, cleans the house, works, and does all sorts of things. When he tries to be assertive and put his foot down, it usually has to correspond to her terms anyway, so it takes away whatever good ego he could gain.

My husband then said, “It’s difficult for men in this day and age. Women and their roles have changed dramatically over the past decades. There are groups, support networks, and even laws that have helped women to change. That’s not a bad thing, but where are all the men’s groups to help them deal with and change along with them? There are none. Or, if there are, guys don’t want to go because we don’t like sharing our feelings.”

What I consider to be the most valuable pieces of advice I have learned when it comes to relationships is this: Let your man open the pickle jar every once in a while.

Basically, let a man truly be a man every once in a while. Let him pull out your chair, open the pickle jar, mow the lawn, do something for you to remind him that he’s male, masculine.

However, I know that there are women out there who would be furious to read such a thing from a modern woman. Heaven forbid the vice versa – let a woman be a woman and not feel guilty for feeling delicate or wanting help fixing something – be uttered.

What do you think? Do you think men and women still need ‘roles’ or do you think we have moved above and beyond that? Has political correctness been taken too far in relationships, too?

Short Sweet Love Poems has thrown quite the interesting one at us this week in her Love Questions series, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Nowadays, having extra-marital affairs is not something uncommon. Many people get involved with a third party at some point in their relationship and they would try to hide the affair from their partner.

If you have cheated on your partner, would you confess? But if you are the one being cheated upon, would you prefer your partner to tell or not to tell?

Telling may hurt someone you care about, but if you cared that much about hurting that person’s feelings in the first place, you probably wouldn’t have cheated.

Okay, that’s a bit rough and I apologize. However, I believe that you should be honest even if you have ‘gotten away’ with it. The thing is that even if your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, it’s more than likely s/he suspects something is ‘off’. And it’s that feeling of ‘off’ that will bring you troubles later.

So, would you rather your partner hear it from you sooner? Or would you rather things reach critical mass sometime down the road and s/he possibly hears it from someone else? We very often accuse and condemn people for what we ourselves are guilty of, so do you really think you can control your subconscious so completely?

I would want my partner to tell me. Even facing the hurt and anguish of being cheated on is better than not knowing what it is that is ‘off’ and causing friction in the relationship.

What do you think?

Last week for Love Question Eleven, we talked about how open and honest you should be when it comes to your past relationships. While the general consensus was that honesty is good, but detailed specifics are uncalled for, it got me thinking about honesty in the other areas of relationships…

We’re all aware of little white lies and what they are. From telling someone yes, the apple pie really did taste great (when it wasn’t great at all), to not having the heart to tell someone quite how bad their latest haircut is, I think most of us have told at least one white lie in our time.

But how many have you told to your partner? Do you think it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing to do so?

I think when it comes to my partner and me, the most frequent lie is the lie by omission. We hate hurting each other and thus we tend to not say anything when something comes up. While this is okay for minor annoyances that are forgotten a minute later, we have gotten ourselves in trouble a time or two because of it.

We’re working on it, though, and are finding our own happy medium between complete and utter honesty and omission.

While I personally would tell my husband if his apple pie wasn’t so great, I know people who would tell a white lie with no hesitation and have no qualms about doing so.

Where do you draw the line in your relationship? Do you think it helps or hinders? Have you ever been caught in a white lie or caught your partner in one?

I sat on the couch with my laptop and Mr. JM sat not far away at his computer. I was getting more and more upset as time passed and began typing an email to one of my friends because I didn’t know what else to do.

I hadn’t been typing long before I realized that complaining to my friend might feel good, but it wouldn’t actually solve anything. So I closed the email without sending it, closed my laptop and then asked Mr. JM if we could talk.

Having a ‘talk’ with your partner is never easy. There is always the chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and making things worse. There is that urge in us to not hurt the other person, so we try to bury feelings and avoid problems rather than face the prospect of hurting or upsetting the other person (or ourselves).

But as I have learned time and time again, avoiding problems and burying feelings doesn’t make them go away. Not by a long shot.

So while it hurt and was incredibly emotionally draining, I am glad my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about our issues so we could start working on things.

Here are some tips on making talks a bit easier:

*Don’t start one when you’re angry. Doing that will almost guarantee you making things worse.

*Eliminate distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, and other distractions. They only give you an excuse to get out of things before they are solved.

*Don’t interrupt.

*Assure your partner that you are truly listening to what s/he is saying by saying things like “I understand that you are upset because…�? and “I know what when I do this, you feel…�?

*Remember, the point of a talk should never be to ‘win’, it should be to be heard.

Do you have any tips for making talks go smoothly?

Control isn’t always the easiest thing to talk about because it varies from couple to couple. On one extreme you have Dominants and submissives. On the other end you have married couples who split all the bills 50/50, do what they want, and somehow still make it all work.

So when I talk about it, I’m talking about those in the middle. Those who need at least some control, which is a natural part of having a relationship.

Yesterday I talked about a friend who emailed me while she was feeling crappy about her current situation. I saw her lacking control over the elements of her life and could relate to how she was feeling. When people try to control things that are distinctly your territory (your career path, your clothes, your hair cut, your hobbies) conflict arises.

There is a lot of give and take in all relationship areas. One of those areas is control and you both need to find a balance that works for you.

When I came to Australia, one of the first things my husband did was help me set up my own private bank account. One he has absolutely no access to. Therein was my first taste of something completely within my control, and I never looked back. After that came my career choices, clothing choices, etc.

While we discussed some of these choices, never did he once try to control what I was doing. And why should he? Those are the areas of my life that are personal to me and should be my choices. As should what line of work he wants to do is.

It’s all about balance.

Do you feel you have control in your relationship? Are you happy with the amount of control you have (or don’t have)?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Recently, a friend emailed me while feeling very emotional about her current situation. I read her email and just about cried because I knew what she was going through. Not down to the exact elements of the situation but in the overall feelings, I could definitely relate.

When I was growing up, there wasn’t much I had control over. I suppose I could have tried to take control, but due to certain elements of my past, I did what I thought was expected of me. Be nice. Get good grades. Try to be an overachiever. Bring a good reputation to the family name. So on and so forth.

While there are those from my past who will disagree, I was primarily submissive. I wanted to just get things done that were expected of me and find what peace I could in life.

Having that little amount of control in my life was not good. It eventually affected all parts of my life, including mood. It got to the point of being so bad that big changes had to be made for me to survive and have the life I wanted. To have the control I needed.

While not having control of anything in life is appealing to the select few, most of us like to be part of a team in relationships. Give and take. I control my activities, you control yours, we work together to make them mesh nicely. It’s when someone tries to tip the balances of control that the problems happen…

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

As the time draws nearer for me to find out if I will be working at the same company my husband works for, my mind wanders to the subject of working with your significant other…

Ever since I announced my intention to apply for the job, I have received a lot of support. I volunteer there regularly, so many people know my work style already. However, I have had a few comments come my way about working with my husband.

We wouldn’t be working directly together on a daily basis at all. I would be in reception and he works in the information services and technologies section. (Otherwise known as ‘he works at the help desk’.) I might need to call on him from time to time to help me with something, but that’s about it.

Even so, we still have had comments, laughs, and head shaking at the though of a husband and wife working together – even in different sections on opposite sites of the building.

I personally believe that we would be just fine. We can put aside our personal squabbles to get things done when they need to be done. But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I can’t really know until it happens?

So I’m wondering:

Could you ever work with your significant other? If only in certain circumstances, what circumstances? Could you put yourself in a professional enough mindset to not let personal disputes effect working together? Do you think you would have an easy time but your partner wouldn’t? Vice versa?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

Compared to many, I (now) have an excellent life. I’m a freelance writer and professional blogger. That means I spend a lot of time in the comfort of my own home working at an occupation I love. While I don’t make a lot doing it, by any means, I do have enough to pay the bills.

Plus, who can put a price on happiness?

Recently, a job opportunity came up. The wages will be good, it’s a receptionist position (which I have done in nearly all my past jobs), I already know people at the company… Basically, it’s a good opportunity for me if I choose to take it.

However, taking this job would mean taking a bit of a step back from the name and freelancing career I have been building up over the past year and a half. While I wouldn’t be giving up all my work – certainly not! – I still wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time and effort I’m putting in now.

But I have to face facts. The money is good and we could definitely use it. We are trying to save up for a baby and hopefully a new house. That’s not going to happen any time soon if things don’t change.

While I don’t consider my situation a sacrifice, really, seeing as I don’t have to do it whether I want to or not, I can’t help but wonder…

What have you sacrificed for your relationship? Have you done anything you didn’t want to do for the sake of any aspect of your relationship? How did it turn out? Do you regret the decision or are you glad you did it?

***This post is part of the Long Relationships 100 Comment Contest. Click on the link to find out how you can win.***

There is a reason they say ‘Hell hath no fury’…

In case, for whatever reason, you can’t watch the video, this is a news clip talking about a video on YouTube. A woman has YouTubed a phone call from her to her husband’s secretary talking about his sex aids and what do to with them (throw them away? Keep them?).

Obviously, this woman’s soon to be ex-husband isn’t going to be happy when he finds out that everyone who has watched this video on YouTube knows he uses viagara. (If she’s telling the truth.)

I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t see myself ever doing something like that even to someone I really, truly hate. Some things just don’t need to be out there in public, in my opinion. Especially in this day an age when people run to their lawyers whenever possible.

This woman is taking her divorce to a whole new nasty level by putting these videos up on YouTube.

My question to you is what do you think of this? Are you thinking ‘nicely done!’ or are you wondering what kind of woman wants to risk possible court charges (if she’s lying about her husband’s sex aids) and air dirty laundry on the internet?

What about other sites where you can register your ex as a jerk, a player, a cheater, or whatever else? Is that just the same as blogging or do those sites and other behavior like this video take things too far and makes things that should be private into public territory?

What do you think?

Sometimes, you just have to take some time away.

Couples sometimes forget that relationships to involve work. Work is a term we associate with certain non-relationship things, though, so we forget. We forget that changing for people is work. Learning to communicate more effectively is work. Balancing work, love, family, and friendship is work.

There is a lot of work involved in relationships, but the benefits of work are some of the greatest you’ll ever experience.

Then again, you don’t really need me to tell you that, do you?

On the subject of taking time away, that’s probably one of the things couples do less and less these days. There are so many responsibilities, and with rising costs, taking time off work and spending money for pleasure doesn’t always seem the most practical thing to do.

However, it is necessary to remember that work and money aren’t nearly as important as the relationships we have – and often take for granted.

Having had a bit of a stressful time lately, both with work and home life, my husband and I are taking advantage of the long holiday and are going camping.

Yes, you say, that may be all fine and well with you, but I have responsibilities.

Yes, any holiday brings with it responsibility and you might not be able to get away. However, if you’re the one hosting dinner, egg hunt, etc and it’s nothing but a stress for you (and thus for your partner), then you might want to ask why you’re doing it.

A lot of us impose responsibilities on ourselves because self-expectation and family expectations. But in the end, the pendulum of care has to swing back towards ‘me’ sometimes.

Weigh your options this week and figure out the best time to take some time away with your partner.

Don’t you just love it when you end up having to take your own advice? That’s not exactly what I had to do tonight, but I did get the chance to see if I was taking my own advice when conflict happened in my own life.

As I said in a previous post, arguing is never fun. It’s a healthy thing that happens in relationships, but it’s more a necessary evil than anything. An evil I experienced while walking home with my husband.

When we got home, I sat down to write a post about arguing and remembered that I already had. I opened the saved word document and read through what advice I had given. Though I wasn’t happy to have to apply the advice, I was definitely pleased to see I could take my own advice.

My husband and I never yell at each other. Voices occasionally increase a little in volume, but that is much different from yelling.

We didn’t interrupt each other.

I made a conscious effort to make ‘I’ statements and my husband didn’t make any ‘you’ statements.

Last but not least, I can’t tell you what my husband was thinking about, but I can tell you in all honesty that – while I cooked dinner and he worked on his computer – I reminded myself tonight was not the end of the world and certainly not the end of our relationship. It may seem silly, but telling myself that did a lot to calm me down.

So now you all know that I don’t just spout advice, I take it as well.

When you are having an argument, your goal should never be to win; your goal should be to be heard. – Dr. Phil

Why, thank you Dr. Phil. I couldn’t agree with you more.

When I first heard Dr. Phil say that (yes, occasionally I like to indulge in daytime television) I thought it was a perfect quote for this site.

When it comes to relationships, one of the hardest things to deal with can be arguments. Things are said that weren’t meant. Stinging comments are remembered. Emotional scarring happens easily and forgiveness happens only with a lot of work.

But as any relationship guru, therapist, or experienced partner will tell you, arguing is normal. If it never happens, you have to worry.

Even so, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument.

While it’s not always easy, try to keep these things in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner.

1. Don’t yell. Yelling is just one more thing that is going to make all parties involved feel threatened and upset. Don’t yell. Especially if there are children in the house.
2. Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and will most often just make things a lot worse.
3. Use “I�? statements, not “you�? statements. “You�? statements just make the other person feel attacked and accused.
4. Remember that this is not the end of the world. Remembering this will help take some of the steam out of your anger. Yes, you’re mad now, but you won’t be mad forever. You can work this out.

The thing to remember when your significant other withholds sex is that it isn’t the end of the relationship. If your significant other withholds sex on a regular basis, it means there are problems, but it doesn’t necessarily spell the end disaster either.

If you are the partner withholding sex, you need to keep in mind that genuinely not being in the mood once in a while is normal. However, if you keep refusing, your refusals are no longer just refusals. Keep in mind that the more you refuse the bigger shot you take at your partner’s ego, confidence (in the bedroom and otherwise), self image, and a lot of other things.

Now that you know withheld sex is not the end of your relationship, you need to know that it can be.

While French maid outfits or handcuffs might be giggle-worthy to read about, if that’s what it takes to help you back into a healthy sexual relationship then you need to take it seriously. If sitting down and having a one-on-one about both your wants/needs is what it takes, then you have to do it if you want your relationship to survive.

Some things to keep in mind before deciding it’s time to bring up the sex talk with your partner:

If your partner is a woman keep in mind that it can take a woman about twenty minutes to ‘get into it’. It’s the price we pay for multiple orgasms. Mind space for sex is important. Also keep in mind hormones have a lot to do with it as well. Different times mean different chances of getting her aroused.

If your partner is a man don’t subscribe to the idea put around the world that men can do it any time and any place. Some men can, just like some women can get off just as fast as a man. However, some men need the right head space like some women need the right head space. Sometimes we’re not always as different as you might think.

No matter what, keep your partner’s wants, needs, and life in mind when you go for sex. When your partner refuses, take note of the day, what your partner’s day has been life, what time of the month it is (this sounds sexist, but pay special attention to this if your partner is a woman. Some women can’t get enough sex at the time of the month and other women can’t stand to be touched.)

If there’s no consistency, there may be a problem, but if you’re always asking on Wednesdays when it’s his/her big meeting day or day to run the play group, that could be the reason behind the refusal.

This week I have been talking about stalking, both offline and online. Either situation can be very mentally traumatic, if not physically traumatic. It can bring on feelings of fear, paranoia, and stress, among other things.

That’s why it’s important for you to take precautions against becoming a victim. If you are a victim, then remember you aren’t the first person to have gone through this.

Whether or not what is happening is determined as stalking (or intimidation) is largely up to the victim. Someone could say they meant no harm, but if you are made to feel uncomfortable or anything else, then you are being harmed. You are the one who feels and goes through the situation.

If you’re not sure where to go for help, here are a few options:

*Your local police department. If someone is following you around offline, then this is the first place to go. They can help you.

*If you are being stalked online, go to CyberAngels.org. They can help you with any questions you have.

*If you are being stalked offline, keep emergency numbers in your cell phone and alert others about the situation.

Also remember to check my other posts on online and offline stalking.

If you are being stalked in any way, it’s important to always remember it’s not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing – no matter what the stalker or anyone else has to say about it.

The problem is in the stalker’s mind, not in anything you have done.