Long Relationships

Throughout our relationship, I have always – for a reason I’m not quite yet sure of – worn a sort of invisible badge of pride for every remark made about how I’m not the ‘stereotypical’ wife. Now, I don’t think any woman out there is the stereotypical wife. They are either much nicer or much worse, in my experience. Even so, I was always proud to be on the side of ‘nicer’.

One of the stereotypical wife’s faults is expecting her husband to know what she’s thinking without her telling him. Granted, there should be some things a man can just guess after a given amount of time, but mind reading all the time is too much to ask.

I was always proud that I didn’t expect Mr. JM to read my mind. We talked about things – really talked – and worked them out. I always caught myself when I started getting upset with him for something we hadn’t actually talked about.

Of course, recently life decided to remind me that I’m not the super-wife of pure awesomeness that I thought I was.

Like many things, mind-reading can come in different shapes and forms. This past week, I am terrible when it comes to expecting Mr. JM to do mind-reading of a different sort: reading my moods.

Poor Mr. JM has been batted around like a tennis ball for about a week now as I have been getting increasingly cranky and tired with the pressure of everything I have been trying to get done for work. Admittedly, I have been going over the top and letting every little stress get to me.

And I’ve just been expecting Mr. JM to know.

Ugh. Minus one from my awesome wife points.

Now that I’ve noticed the behavior, I’m trying to fix it. But I hate it when the world knocks me on my behind just when I get to feeling pretty awesome about myself.

I really need to learn the value of silence.

I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – which means I get a fun assortment of annoying things to deal with when it comes to my body. One of the things I have been so ‘fortunate’ to deal with is wonky hormones.

You can already see where this is going, can’t you?

Because my body cannot yet maintain a particular function with any regularity on its own, I’m on birth control pills. Not that I want to be – I hate birth control. But I do realize the necessity for it for the time being.

A big part of correcting the influence of PCOS is to lose weight, which is easier said than done because PCOS makes losing weight as easy as climbing up a slope with a boulder strapped to your back. You can do it – eventually – but most people quit because they wonder what the point is.

I’ve recently found a diet that has made the weight loss struggle easier. I’ve currently lost five percent of my body weight, which is the amount of weight that usually starts helping the body set things to rights when you have PCOS.

And, well, it would seem that my body doesn’t care that I’m taking birth control pills because it wants to start a TOM NOW.

Ugh. I’m very happy with the weight loss, but I have normal hormones trying to right themselves, introduced hormones (birth control) trying to keep things steady, PMS mood swings that scare even me and a very, very harassed husband who still loves me enough to go buy me an electric blanket because I have a hard time keeping warm.

Can anyone recommend a brand of duct tape that won’t hurt too much when it comes off? Even if I leave it on for the next week?

Infidelity and Other Ways of Cheating
By Joel D. Block, Ph.D.,
Co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Sexual infidelity is the headline grabber when most people think about betrayals in love relationships. But there are everyday breaches of trust that slide under the radar and can erode even the strongest of relationships. A small lie about a purchase, a slight exaggeration about a job promotion, a cover-up about a forgotten birthday. Each takes a bite out of trust and is a form of cheating. Most of us are disappointed by a love partner as a result of an everyday event far more often than we are made angry or jealous by a serious and dramatic betrayal.

Deceptive Deceptions

For example, Jeff maintains his friendship with Glen, an old army buddy, in utter secrecy. His wife, Dorothy, has always disliked Glen and has asked Jeff not to see him. Jeff has agreed but is undeterred. “I find a way” he says. “All Dorothy knows is that I’m working late, running an errand or something. We go for a drink, hang out together, that sort of thing. If I told Dorothy, she would raise the roof, so why aggravate her?”

What else does Jeff hide to avoid confrontation with Dorothy? And what if Dorothy were to discover Jeff’s deception? Kevin and Janice, who have lived together for the past few years, are on the verge of splitting because Janice contends that Kevin “never lives up to his word.” Here’s what Janice had to say about some troubling events

“I can’t believe anything he tells me anymore. I ask him if he’s taken care of the rent for this month and he assures me that he has. The next thing I know, the landlord is calling me and asking me about the rent. Or I ask him to do me a favor. He agrees and then doesn’t come through.”

Kevin’s choice of conveniently “yessing” Janice serves to help him avoid confrontation at the expense of his credibility. Janice justifiably feels cheated as a result of Kevin’s lies.

The Many Faces of Cheating

And what about the love partner who smokes? It’s not only about second-hand smoke being a health hazard. One day the smoker is going to get sick. The non-smoking partner will be severely impacted both emotionally and practically. Is the smoker cheating? When we make a love commitment we become a team, and implicitly, it is also a vow to continue to grow and evolve as individuals. What about the love partner who is not becoming all he or she can?

Is the love partner who is letting his or her appearance deteriorate cheating? What about the partner who is critical, rather than supportive, in hard and not so hard times? And the partner who is slacking in his or her career? Or the partner who doesn’t comply with medical prescriptions and health-care suggestions? All of these breaches will impact the relationship. It’s not just about an individual letting him or herself down; in a love relationship it’s also cheating the partner.

Subtle Cheating

Trust is the bedrock of any love relationship. It is the bloodline of romantic passion. “Subtle cheating” is like psychological termites. Each small bite may go unnoticed, but eventually the foundation will weaken. Addressing these forms of cheating is win-win. It betters each individual and contributes to relationships being more open, uninhibited and passionate.

©2009 Joel Block, Ph.D., co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

Author Bio
Joel Block, Ph.D., co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is an award-winning psychologist, practicing couple and sex therapy in New York and offering couple-relationship seminars throughout the United States. Dr. Block has appeared on the Today show, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning. He lives in New York.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

Visit Joel Block, Ph.D. at www.drblock.com

Mother’s Day is a non-event for me and Mr. JM. His mother is deceased and neither of us feel particularly positive towards our mothers.

Of course, that is the sort of thing that will get you dirty words and worse if you say on Mother’s Day.

There is this absolute disbelief among some people out there that you could possible dislike your parents – especially your mother. I know people who got treated like absolute crap by their mothers, and yet, for me to not want to call my mother on Mother’s Day? Blasphemy.

The thing about parents is that they are the closest people to you growing up and you trust them the most. With that kind of automatic response in children towards their parents, it is the parents’ responsibility to be careful with that love and trust. If they abuse it, then it should be no big surprise when a child decides to cut off the relationship when s/he can.

My mother has decided not to acknowledge at lot of the things that she has done, leaving us unable to work things out (which I would love to do) and move on in our relationship. Thus, I’ve decided not to acknowledge holidays like Mother’s Day or birthdays.

I know, it may seem petty, but it’s not really a revenge thing. What it really comes down to is me not worrying about remembering birthdays or holidays because I can’t do it anymore. I refuse to pretend we’re some wonderful mother-daughter duo when we certainly far from that.

However, there were good times, and I try to remember that. I also remember that, for all the bad that is out there, there are a lot of absolutely fantastic mothers who leave me in complete awe of their abilities.

To all you mothers out there who are doing the best you can by your kids, I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Someday, I hope to join your ranks.

I believe there are two levels of knowing things.

You can know things on the surface. Someone tells you something that you take for truth, you read certain facts or statistics, etc…

You can also know things, truly know them, and the only way to know things on that level is to experience them for yourself.

So while I am probably going to list some things that I knew already, I now know them on that deeper level having experienced them for myself.

1. Like everything, there is an ebb and flow to happy times in marriage. Fighting or even growling is actually healthy in a marriage. They are reminders of where we stand, what we need to work on and sometimes just reminders that we need a bit of personal space every now and then.

2. Bad times do end. I hate the bad times. I truly, truly do, but I know there is a reason for them. One of the hardest things I have to keep reminding myself is that the bad times do end. Sometimes you bear a scar, sometimes you don’t, but they do come to an end.

3. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. It’s nice to think of you and your spouse as one unit, working together and such, but you have to remember you are two human beings. You will not be alike in every single thing. And sometimes there is nothing you can do – you have to let your spouse work things out.

Short and sweet, bur that’s the way it should be at this point. I am so happy my husband and I are still going strong.

When one looks at the question of marriage in our culture today one has to wonder if there is a fundamental approach to relationships that is not yet understood. After all, most if not all, enter into the institution of marriage with the belief that whatever life deals the marriage the problems can be resolved.
How can you stand in front of your family, friends and God and declare your lifetime devotion to each other but still see all of the promises and potential fizzle away like some sparkler on The Fourth of July.

If you think about it, you meet the one person in your life who you believe completes you, who makes you whole, yet you end up arguing over who gets the china you received at your wedding, not to mention arguing over what to do with the kids. After all the reason you exchange rings at the wedding ceremony is because the ring, symbolic of the circle, represents wholeness. Throughout history the circle has represented wholeness because there is no beginning and no end.

If you think about the concept of spending your life together with someone else you would hopefully believe the biggest issue you would have to deal with is how to resolve the conflicts in the marriage. After all, when you bring together two people from two completely separate backgrounds you would have to believe that there is inevitably going to be conflict. I believe you would have a hard time, particularly in today’s society, finding two people who agree on everything.

So the real question here would have to be “how do you resolve conflicts in the marriage”?

As much as I’d like to dive straight into the family drama on here, I’m not going to. You never know who is lurking around your web spaces. I’m not going to be too specific, but there is something I’d like to talk about. Just to get the stone out of my gut if nothing else.

In your life, you get to know people. Some people you don’t want to know, some you have to know and some you seem to make a connection with that is stronger than obligation.

When I came to Australia, there are many, many people I thought I was close to who didn’t attempt to contact me. Not a peep. Not a whisper.

Some were mad at me. I understand that. People don’t like when other people leave, don’t like change, even when the leaving is to the benefit of the person who has gone.

But there are others who, unless I’m terribly mistaken, weren’t mad at me at all. A few even said they expected me to pick up and leave sometime.

But there is one person in particular who I was close to, one person who wasn’t mad at me for leaving, one person who said s/he expected me to leave… There is one person who, as far as I knew, was there for me. We weren’t so close at first, but we learned to understand each other and became closer for it.

But, now, what hurts the most is I’m severing ties to that person.

Since I left, I have been trying to establish and maintain contact with the person I’m speaking about. No luck. No go. S/he has my email address, has access to free internet, even has my mailing address… This person knows I would send money if s/he needed it to pay for stamps. I’d do it, just to stay in contact.

Not anymore.

I’m tired of making all the effort, trying to get in contact, trying, trying, trying. I thought we were close, but I guess I was wrong because I haven’t heard anything.

I thought I knew the person, but I guess I was wrong. But I’m not going to let it upset me anymore. I’m done.

I received a letter from my mother, telling me how, by the time I received the letter, my brother and his long time girlfriend would be husband and wife. A previous letter had mentioned that they would be marrying in September. I had written back that I wish I could be there, even though I didn’t know if I would be welcome.

So much for that.

I bought a wedding card for them because that’s what I do; I give people things. I like to share in people’s joy, even if it makes me come off as a bit creepy. I give what I can, when I can and share even when people have treated me like crap.

I thought about writing a check, as that’s what people do for a wedding card. Check or new appliance. But, seeing as I’m overseas and they’ve been living together for years, check seemed like the right option to go with.

But then it hit me.

They never sent me a card when I got married. (Or rather, told them I’d gotten married.) I sent pictures, a long letter… And, to give her credit, I received a letter back from my mother. But nothing back from my brothers. Either of them. Nothing on my first anniversary, either. Nothing after I sent a package of little gifts and sweets.

I sat at my desk thinking about all that, and then I thought, “Why should I write a check when I haven’t heard a word even though they have my address?”

So I didn’t. I signed the card from me and my husband and set it in the ‘out’ mail pile. And to be honest, it felt fine. I didn’t feel like I was being evil or revengeful. Heck, I felt good about sending them a card, even without a check.

But still…

Am I being petty? Silly? Or am I just being human and thinking about my own life?

In The Wizard of Oz, when the wizard is revealed, he is depressed at first. It is a scary thing and sometimes a sad thing when you don’t think the real you will measure up to the illusion you have created. But there was also the sense of relief the wizard felt about not having to ‘keep up appearances’ any longer.

But what happens when you have created a negative illusion and you hold on so tightly that it starts becoming the reality?

There is a couple I know – I’ll call them Max and Katie – who have been married for a long time, have a house, have kids… and I would challenge anyone to not be shocked at the way Max speaks to and about Katie. ‘With contempt’ seems like the accurate description most of the time.

Why does Max feel that way about Katie? No reason. Or rather, no real reason.

When the illusion you are portraying is a negative one and you hold onto that illusion with an iron fist, eventually the illusion becomes the reality. What is behind the curtain no longer matters as much.

I admit that I’m putting it a bit simply this way, but what probably started out as a little bit of mouthing off about Katie behind her back to ‘the guys’ snowballed. Instead of having the occasional rant session, he started talking about her that way to other people as well. His disregard then morphed from something he only did when she wasn’t around to the way he treated her to her face.

We create our own environment in many, many ways. What you say about someone when s/he isn’t there influences how you treat him/her when s/he is there.

When it comes to what is out in the open and what is securely behind the curtain in your relationship, it’s your choice where you draw the line and how much you share. However, consider the environment you are creating.

How many times have you truly felt better after having complained about your partner to your friends?

When it comes to kinks – in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, whatever – I pretty much live by a simple saying: “My kink is okay, your kink is okay.” In other words, I don’t judge people for the things they do (if they’re not along the lines of murder and other crimes) and I hope people will not judge me for the weird/different things I do.

I’m not a particularly kinky person by nature. I feel that when it comes to things – both in and out of the bedroom – I’m a pretty standard, run of the mill person and so is my husband. We have our quirks, but that’s about it.

It wasn’t always that way, though.

When my husband and I met, he was well and truly in place with who he is. Me? I was in a pretty screwed up environment and I had no idea what was going to happen from day to day. I tried different things, hung out with different types of groups, tried different fashions, etc.

Even now I’m not quite firm on the woman I am and the woman I want to be, but I have definitely settled down into a groove of sorts as far as my habits and desires. There were times in the past, though, when my ways and my husband’s ways didn’t mesh and we had to work through things to find a level of understanding and acceptance.

Some people aren’t willing to change to accommodate their partners, however. They consider any move to change them a statement of prejudice against whatever it is you are attempting to change, even if it’s just a little bit.

Have you ever been with someone who was unwilling to change, even though the behavior was damaging the relationship?

Have you ever had one of those moments after you’ve said or done something when you realize that you really wish you hadn’t done or said that thing?

Of course you have. We all have.

I have decided that after I get the recipe and patent for mind soap all squared away, I’m going to invent a time machine. Alternatively, I might invent the SPAR machine (Stupidity Prevention And Removal machine), but I’m leaning towards a time machine as being the easier option.

(You see, a time machine not only enables us to take back our stupid moments but to learn from them as well.)

Why?

I’m a friendly person by nature and, being such a person, I tend to forget that not everyone is friendly as me. In fact, I’ve heard there are nasty people out there who dream of hitting friendly, cheerful people on their heads with shovels. So when I send out a friendly message to someone and get a not-so-friendly message in return, I tend to feel not only upset but embarrassed as well.

But such is the nature of relationships. You have to be observant. As much as it would make everyone else in the world easier to deal with if they were clones of you, it would make the world boring as well. (Unless you have some very kinky fantasies.)

Another thing I have to remember when things like this happen is that you have to put yourself in other people’s shoes. Look at things from their viewpoint. That won’t save you from all the in-the-moment stumbles, but if you take three seconds to think before you send an email, make that phone call, respond to what that person said, you could save yourself (and your relationships) a lot of embarrassment and bad feelings.

Better to be observant and have empathy for people that to sit around waiting for my time machine, eh?

As a good friend sometimes needs to remind me, “Relationships are constantly under negotiation.” They have an ebb and flow which means that not-so-great points are unavoidable. They are a natural part of a healthy relationship.

A natural part I just happen to loathe with all my being.

This past weekend was not a long one in the three day weekend kind of way; it was long in the ‘things aren’t great in paradise’ way. Like all too many people across the world, we are feeling the crunch of having to tighten our wallets. Lately, everything that should be wonderful landmarks along the path of a relationship – our first pet, owning our first house, having a baby – have just turned into stresses because they seem like impossible dreams.

With those things weighing on us, it’s not entirely surprising that we end up biting and snarling occasionally. But if there is one thing that I pride myself on when it comes to my relationship with my husband, it’s our level of communication.

It wasn’t easy – uncomfortable silences and breaks from the conversation happened more than once – but we did talk it out. We worked on things. We both stated our sides and then tried to trade places to understand how the other person felt.

The ending wasn’t shiny, wrapped up in a pink bow, or even what I had originally hope it would be. But it worked for both of us, and compromise is what really counts in the end.

Forgive me if I’m a bit tired today. The weather is dreary, I’m feeling less than 100%, and after a long weekend, I’m eager for some TLC.

Why don’t we take a break from discussing ages and answer this week’s Love Question from Short Sweet Love Poems?

As always, feel free to discuss in the comments and/or link to your blog where you have answered the question.

In a relationship, there are bound to be areas that are sore points for both people. For instance, your partner may not take your views on his family too kindly and on the other hand, you may not like him bringing up a past incident in your life.

For Love Q #19: Do you think avoiding a touchy topic helps or hinders a relationship?

This is another one of those where the line is drawn in different places for different couples. In general, though, I think it depends on the topic, how it got to be a touchy topic and how direct of an influence it has on a relationship.

For instance, take the topic of having children. That can have a huge influence on the relationship and could severely hinder things if left alone for the sake of keeping the peace. However, if you both agree on the having/not having children but it got to be a pushy topic because one partner natters on about it endlessly, then the partner in question would be doing the relationship a favor by stepping off it for a while.

I hope I’m making sense.

In the end, it all depends on the circumstances. In the past I would have said that you need to talk about as much as you can, but I have since learned the value of leaving well enough alone to keep the peace when discussion doesn’t solve anything.

A couple weeks ago for the Love Questions meme, Aud asked about money and relationships. Of course, as with many questions about relationships, the opinions on the subject varied from person to person.

I was later cruising around the net looking at love and relationships articles when I found this article: Is Money the Real Reason for Most Divorces?

In the article, the author states: “I believe that the real reason that most divorces happen is due to the fact that we don’t know how to communicate with each other about money. We don’t know how to talk about money to our spouses and loved ones. It is like a secret behind close doors to talk about money. We are afraid to share that we spent more then we should have to our spouses. We are afraid to share our true feelings about money.”

That got me thinking… And I halfway agree with her.

The article was short and to the point, which was nice, but as is the case with just saying ‘money causes most divorces’, I think the author still oversimplified the matter.

My husband and I are by no means afraid to talk about money. In fact, we talk about it often because we’d like to buy a house, have children, etc in the future. With bills and the housing market here, it’s hard not to talk about money. But does that mean we’re free and clear of stress just because we can talk about it?

Of course not. Not being able to do what we dream for lack of money is hard and can get upsetting, which leaves us both feeling less than happy.

Have you ever fought over money? Does money put (ever put) a strain on your marriage? Do you think that money causes divorces or a lack of communication about money?

While talking to one of our mutual friends, a woman, my husband said that “guys don’t like their lives put out on display”. They like to keep things private when and where possible when it comes to personal and family things. While every guy can be different, I have to admit that pretty much every guy I have ever known feels the same way.

The person he was talking to writes about anything and everything – and that’s one of the things I love about her and her blog. However, I know that I would never blog to the intimate detail she does when it comes to the negative times in her relationship.

I have learned the negative side of blogging about your life, no matter how ‘anonymously’ you think you’re actually being. Even if my husband and I go through the worst of fights, I don’t blog specifics and rarely blog about the fight. I do blog positives, but again, I leave out details whenever I feel it might be something my husband doesn’t care to have the public to know.

BUT, I don’t hold it against people who do. The temptation for ‘blog therapy’ can be strong and it’s so easy to do… I don’t think it’s wrong at all if both you and your partner are okay with it, but that is a discussion you need to have before you just go ahead and do it.

How do you feel about blogging about your personal life (and your partner’s life)? Do you believe ‘as long as it’s anonymous’ or do you think ‘what happens in Vegas…’? Somewhere in between?