Long Relationships

There is a reason they say ‘Hell hath no fury’…

In case, for whatever reason, you can’t watch the video, this is a news clip talking about a video on YouTube. A woman has YouTubed a phone call from her to her husband’s secretary talking about his sex aids and what do to with them (throw them away? Keep them?).

Obviously, this woman’s soon to be ex-husband isn’t going to be happy when he finds out that everyone who has watched this video on YouTube knows he uses viagara. (If she’s telling the truth.)

I can’t speak from experience, but I can’t see myself ever doing something like that even to someone I really, truly hate. Some things just don’t need to be out there in public, in my opinion. Especially in this day an age when people run to their lawyers whenever possible.

This woman is taking her divorce to a whole new nasty level by putting these videos up on YouTube.

My question to you is what do you think of this? Are you thinking ‘nicely done!’ or are you wondering what kind of woman wants to risk possible court charges (if she’s lying about her husband’s sex aids) and air dirty laundry on the internet?

What about other sites where you can register your ex as a jerk, a player, a cheater, or whatever else? Is that just the same as blogging or do those sites and other behavior like this video take things too far and makes things that should be private into public territory?

What do you think?

Sometimes, you just have to take some time away.

Couples sometimes forget that relationships to involve work. Work is a term we associate with certain non-relationship things, though, so we forget. We forget that changing for people is work. Learning to communicate more effectively is work. Balancing work, love, family, and friendship is work.

There is a lot of work involved in relationships, but the benefits of work are some of the greatest you’ll ever experience.

Then again, you don’t really need me to tell you that, do you?

On the subject of taking time away, that’s probably one of the things couples do less and less these days. There are so many responsibilities, and with rising costs, taking time off work and spending money for pleasure doesn’t always seem the most practical thing to do.

However, it is necessary to remember that work and money aren’t nearly as important as the relationships we have – and often take for granted.

Having had a bit of a stressful time lately, both with work and home life, my husband and I are taking advantage of the long holiday and are going camping.

Yes, you say, that may be all fine and well with you, but I have responsibilities.

Yes, any holiday brings with it responsibility and you might not be able to get away. However, if you’re the one hosting dinner, egg hunt, etc and it’s nothing but a stress for you (and thus for your partner), then you might want to ask why you’re doing it.

A lot of us impose responsibilities on ourselves because self-expectation and family expectations. But in the end, the pendulum of care has to swing back towards ‘me’ sometimes.

Weigh your options this week and figure out the best time to take some time away with your partner.

Don’t you just love it when you end up having to take your own advice? That’s not exactly what I had to do tonight, but I did get the chance to see if I was taking my own advice when conflict happened in my own life.

As I said in a previous post, arguing is never fun. It’s a healthy thing that happens in relationships, but it’s more a necessary evil than anything. An evil I experienced while walking home with my husband.

When we got home, I sat down to write a post about arguing and remembered that I already had. I opened the saved word document and read through what advice I had given. Though I wasn’t happy to have to apply the advice, I was definitely pleased to see I could take my own advice.

My husband and I never yell at each other. Voices occasionally increase a little in volume, but that is much different from yelling.

We didn’t interrupt each other.

I made a conscious effort to make ‘I’ statements and my husband didn’t make any ‘you’ statements.

Last but not least, I can’t tell you what my husband was thinking about, but I can tell you in all honesty that – while I cooked dinner and he worked on his computer – I reminded myself tonight was not the end of the world and certainly not the end of our relationship. It may seem silly, but telling myself that did a lot to calm me down.

So now you all know that I don’t just spout advice, I take it as well.

When you are having an argument, your goal should never be to win; your goal should be to be heard. – Dr. Phil

Why, thank you Dr. Phil. I couldn’t agree with you more.

When I first heard Dr. Phil say that (yes, occasionally I like to indulge in daytime television) I thought it was a perfect quote for this site.

When it comes to relationships, one of the hardest things to deal with can be arguments. Things are said that weren’t meant. Stinging comments are remembered. Emotional scarring happens easily and forgiveness happens only with a lot of work.

But as any relationship guru, therapist, or experienced partner will tell you, arguing is normal. If it never happens, you have to worry.

Even so, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument.

While it’s not always easy, try to keep these things in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner.

1. Don’t yell. Yelling is just one more thing that is going to make all parties involved feel threatened and upset. Don’t yell. Especially if there are children in the house.
2. Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and will most often just make things a lot worse.
3. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements just make the other person feel attacked and accused.
4. Remember that this is not the end of the world. Remembering this will help take some of the steam out of your anger. Yes, you’re mad now, but you won’t be mad forever. You can work this out.

The thing to remember when your significant other withholds sex is that it isn’t the end of the relationship. If your significant other withholds sex on a regular basis, it means there are problems, but it doesn’t necessarily spell the end disaster either.

If you are the partner withholding sex, you need to keep in mind that genuinely not being in the mood once in a while is normal. However, if you keep refusing, your refusals are no longer just refusals. Keep in mind that the more you refuse the bigger shot you take at your partner’s ego, confidence (in the bedroom and otherwise), self image, and a lot of other things.

Now that you know withheld sex is not the end of your relationship, you need to know that it can be.

While French maid outfits or handcuffs might be giggle-worthy to read about, if that’s what it takes to help you back into a healthy sexual relationship then you need to take it seriously. If sitting down and having a one-on-one about both your wants/needs is what it takes, then you have to do it if you want your relationship to survive.

Some things to keep in mind before deciding it’s time to bring up the sex talk with your partner:

If your partner is a woman keep in mind that it can take a woman about twenty minutes to ‘get into it’. It’s the price we pay for multiple orgasms. Mind space for sex is important. Also keep in mind hormones have a lot to do with it as well. Different times mean different chances of getting her aroused.

If your partner is a man don’t subscribe to the idea put around the world that men can do it any time and any place. Some men can, just like some women can get off just as fast as a man. However, some men need the right head space like some women need the right head space. Sometimes we’re not always as different as you might think.

No matter what, keep your partner’s wants, needs, and life in mind when you go for sex. When your partner refuses, take note of the day, what your partner’s day has been life, what time of the month it is (this sounds sexist, but pay special attention to this if your partner is a woman. Some women can’t get enough sex at the time of the month and other women can’t stand to be touched.)

If there’s no consistency, there may be a problem, but if you’re always asking on Wednesdays when it’s his/her big meeting day or day to run the play group, that could be the reason behind the refusal.

This week I have been talking about stalking, both offline and online. Either situation can be very mentally traumatic, if not physically traumatic. It can bring on feelings of fear, paranoia, and stress, among other things.

That’s why it’s important for you to take precautions against becoming a victim. If you are a victim, then remember you aren’t the first person to have gone through this.

Whether or not what is happening is determined as stalking (or intimidation) is largely up to the victim. Someone could say they meant no harm, but if you are made to feel uncomfortable or anything else, then you are being harmed. You are the one who feels and goes through the situation.

If you’re not sure where to go for help, here are a few options:

*Your local police department. If someone is following you around offline, then this is the first place to go. They can help you.

*If you are being stalked online, go to CyberAngels.org. They can help you with any questions you have.

*If you are being stalked offline, keep emergency numbers in your cell phone and alert others about the situation.

Also remember to check my other posts on online and offline stalking.

If you are being stalked in any way, it’s important to always remember it’s not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing – no matter what the stalker or anyone else has to say about it.

The problem is in the stalker’s mind, not in anything you have done.

Yesterday I talked about stalking and intimidation, and how it is defined by police. (Or by the NSW police, anyway, but your local police shouldn’t differ all that much.) However, stalking doesn’t always take place in reality; sometimes it takes place online.

This is called cyberstalking.

What is cyberstalking? Law officials have yet to decide on a clear cut definition of cyberstalking, but here are some characteristics of stalking from the online stalking page:
• Malice: the desire and intention to hurt someone.
• Premeditation: the presence of planning and organization.
• Repetition: the harassment does not occur only once.
• Distress: the activity causes fear and distress to the targeted individual.
• Obsession: the stalker cannot stop his or her actions.
• Vendetta: the stalker seeks revenge against the targeted individual.
• Threats: a statement that makes the targeted individual fear for his or her physical safety.
• Disregarded Warnings to Stop: the targeted individual has clearly warned the stalker to stop, and the stalker ignores the plea.
Does this sound familiar to you?

Just because it’s online doesn’t mean it’s any less frightening or traumatic than being stalked offline. Online stalking can also have just as many variations as offline stalking, including emails, site/blog commenting, libel (a false and malicious publication printed for the purpose of defaming a living person) in many forms, and other forms as well.

However, given the lack of a clear cut definition and this being a relatively new area for enforcing law, it’s not surprising many victims of cyberstalking fell like they can’t do anything about what is happening.

If you are being stalked online, there are a few things you can do:

*Make it clear to the person you don’t want to be contacted by him/her.

*Save everything. You never know when you might need to provide evidence.

*If they are using email, you can report them to the email company.

*If they are using social sites, you can report them to the site.

*Some blogs let you password protect posts. If you want to move your blog somewhere else, put up a password protected post letting only your friends know where you’re moving to.

*You can switch your email to a different email provider.

I know the last two actions don’t seem fair because you are the victim, but if you feel threatened, you need to take action.

Please stop by tomorrow for some tips to help prevent yourself from being stalked as well as some places you can go to get your questions answered.

When you start dating and trying out relationships, every now and then you get into a relationship that you later want to end, but the other person doesn’t want it to end. Sometimes you have a hard break up that heals over time, but other times you have someone who won’t leave you alone.

This is called stalking.

An ex who won’t leave you alone is only one form stalking. You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to get stalked; stalking comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes you can be stalked by someone of the same sex. Sometimes you can be stalked by someone you considered a friend rather than a romantic partner. And sometimes you can even be stalked by someone you never met.

What is stalking? As defined by the New South Wales police department, stalking is:

…a serious offence and one that can affect any person, whether or not in a relationship. The victim may know the offender or may have met them only once or may not have ever met them. A victim may only realise the fact that they are being stalked by identification of a pattern of strange or suspicious incidents, such as phone calls, SMS messages, notes left on their car or being continually followed and stared at by a person.

Definition

Stalking, as defined in the NSW Crimes Act means “the following about of a person or the watching or frequenting of the vicinity of or an approach to a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any social or leisure activity”.

Intimidation means:
“(a) Conduct amounting to harassment or molestation, or
(b) The making of repeated telephone calls, or
(c) Any conduct that causes a reasonable apprehension of injury to a person or to a person with whom he or she has a domestic relationship, or of violence or damage to any person or property.”

Stalking in the context of the offence is the act of “Stalking or intimidation with intent to cause fear of physical and/or mental harm”. The act of stalking is also an act of intimidation and therefore, is considered part of the same offence.

Stalking is a serious thing. Victims of stalking, even without being physically touched by a stalker, can go through trauma that can stop them from leading normal lives. There are little things a victim might start doing, like driving a different route to work, and there are also bigger things, like not leaving the house for fear of being spotted.

There are also many mental aspects of being stalked like self-blame, fear, paranoia, and many other things a victim could go through because of this crime. Just knowing someone is watching you without any other action going on is still enough to drive some people to therapy.

I’m talking about stalking/intimidation this week because it’s an issue I have experience with and hold as very important. Too many people go through this mentally and sometimes physically damaging crime and feel as if they are alone and nothing can be done.

This week I’d like to talk to you about this issue in the hopes you can spread the word and help to stop this horrible thing from happening. I’ll also be touching on the emerging world of cyberstalking and how it compares to ‘traditional’ stalking.

The most important thing to remember if you are a victim of stalking is that you are not alone.