Long Relationships

Jenera is always kind enough to write about the topics I would like to cover on Long Relationships but don’t yet have the personal experience yet to do so. Please welcome her back to the site.

Every one talks about how important bonding with your new baby is. Without bonding, your child could potentially be at risk for failure to thrive-which basically means they aren’t progressing health wise as they should. That emotional bond between a mother and baby is essential. Not just for the baby but for the mother as well.

When I had both my boys, I bonded fairly quickly with them. There was some concern I’d be at risk for post partum depression given my history. My family even joked about if I’d be able to bond and if I’d toss them in the river like those crazy mothers from the news. It hurt me to think that my own family didn’t have enough faith in me.

I shouldn’t have worried. When I first saw my boys, it clicked instantly. They were mine and I was theirs. Sure, there was an adjustment period, especially with my first. I had my rough times when I didn’t even want to be in the same room as them. But I stuck it out. I am by nature not a people person and only show affection with a select few. With my boys, I tell them I love them every day and hug and kiss them whenever I get the chance. Maybe others don’t see it. But my boys know I love them.

What is important to remember is that bonding with a newborn is not like they say in the books. Not usually anyway. I feel any mother will have those moments when they feel disconnected from their baby. No new mother should stress about bonding, it will come naturally. It doesn’t require any tips or tricks. And regardless of what you may hear, breastfeeding mothers do not have an edge to the whole bonding thing.

How do you know you’ve bonded successfully? Easy. When you look into your child’s eyes and you can feel their love for you, you’ve made it. It’s that unconditional love where they only know the best of you and don’t care about the worst. They need you and you need them. Bonds are meant to never be broken and with your new baby, you have a brand new shot and establishing a life long relationship.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m.. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and using every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast.. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

I was perusing a forum dedicated to women in all stages of pre/trying/carrying/post pregnancy and I went to the ‘Long Term Trying’ section. While I’m not trying at the moment, I still identify with the women there because of the health issues I have and concerns I have about conceiving in the future.

On thread was on the subject of people asking The Baby Question:

“So when are you going to have kids?”

Even if you aren’t married, if you don’t have kids yet and are with someone, you have likely been asked that plenty of times. I have.

I used to be a bit flustered about what to say when asked the question and I usually just put it off saying, “I have to lose more weight, first.” That usually works…for a time. So, inspired by what the ladies on the forum had to say about it, I decided to come up with ten alternatives for people – some will work for the guys – who aren’t quite sure how to answer that annoying question…

1. When I decide to stop drinking.
2. When I grow up.
3. When I start ovulating. (A fun one if you find the question rude and personal.)
4. When people stop asking when.
5. When my husband/wife says so. (This one tends to piss off your spouse…)
6. In accordance to the prophecy.
7. When they start coming out fully potty trained.
8. When I win the lottery.
9. Why yes, my husband/wife and I are having sex. Thank you for asking.
10. When they go on sale.

This is more of a sidenote kind of post for those who are interested, but I want to post it because I know there are probably more women out there like me who ran into the same blocks I did…

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned how my maternal instincts have kicked in but Mr. JM and I aren’t in a position yet where we feel comfortable starting to try for a baby.

But, as things go, my ‘maternal urgings’ weren’t going to settle down just because I wanted them to. (I wish!) The solution? Search the internet for information and support in the category of ‘we’re thinking about it, but we’re not trying yet’.

Easier said than done.

What I thought would be a popular subject turned into something hard to find. If you weren’t pregnant, then you had to be trying. If you were trying, you were most likely referred to fertility type stuff. Even what budgeting stuff I found began with, “In the next nine months you’re going to want to…”

I became frustrated in a hurry because even the various forums I found were no help. There was no section for “I’m planning, not trying”.

That is, until I found BabyandBump.

B&B had exactly what I was looking for. Not only do they have the usual sections all through stages of pregnancy and the usual chit chat sections, they had much more, including my coveted ‘waiting to try’ section.

Finally! Finally I had found a place where I could talk about how I was feeling with the whole wanting to but needing to wait thing. Not only that, they have an 18+ section for talking about mature things, a women’s only section AND a men’s only section.

Even if you’re not looking for a waiting to try section like me, I highly recommend you check it out. There are a lot of great people there – even if it is mostly UK based.

*Rattle in picture from Sterling Silver Company

As I have mentioned before, part of the reason we’re not trying for children right now is because of my health. Well, I finally got my bum in gear and got things moving in the doctor appointments realm. (Now if only I could get and keep things going with blog stuff, huh?)

Yesterday I went to my appointment at the family planning clinic and we basically talked the whole time. She gave me a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant and then we started talking about what I want out of it.

She doesn’t want to put me on the pill yet because she wants to check to see if the PCOS diagnosis is still right. I have a bunch of blood work I need to get done, but there is a place just down the street (less than five minutes walking) who will do it. They said I could drop in any time. I’ll probably get that done tomorrow morning.

I also have a pelvic ultrasound coming up on Monday and they’ll check for all sorts of things to see what’s going on and how I’m doing without having had period for a while. The ultrasound is a bit costly, but she said they do a much better and thorough job than the place that does it for less price, so I opted to go with them. Also, funnily enough, it’s just a couple buildings down the street from the family planning clinic.

So I have all that to do, and then I go back to the clinic and my doctor there on the 10th of December. It’s really nice to get things done so quickly!

Meet Chloe and Dexter. (If you hover over the picture, you can see which one is which.) Chloe is an Australian native flowering plant and Dexter is a good ol’ ivy. Both are very sturdy plants, like to grow all over the place, take little maintenance care (it’s okay if I forget to water them one day) and are basically the perfect plants for a beginner gardener like me.

And, given I can’t get a cat and I probably can’t get a dog, I named them.

If you talked to the me of only five years ago, I would have told you that I’m not mother material. The whole maternal instincts kicking in? I never figured that would happen to me. I wasn’t even the kind of little girl who wanted baby dolls to take care of; it just plain didn’t jive for me.

These days? Well, I don’t know if it’s marriage or if it’s just plain time, but I find myself aching for a family. My husband ‘divorced’ his family before I met him, so I’ve never met any of them. My family and I aren’t on the best of terms either. While I consider some new friends I’ve made here like family, it’s not quite the same as getting started making your own family.

Health issues (and financial issues, too) prevent us from starting to try just yet and it’s dragging me down. Over the past… Oh, I don’t know how long it’s been now, but what started out as an exciting but scary idea has now become a small ache in me. So, until I get my health straightened out and we get a bit of a nest egg, I’ll be taking care of Chloe and Dexter and hoping that will ease the ache for the time being.

I guess I am mother material after all.

Scene: Aged care facility serviced by the company my husband works for.

D: …which means that family is very important to you. Because you don’t have a good family background, it’s important for you to start a good family. [Gives Mr. JM a look.]
Mr. JM: What?
Me: [giggles]

I’m beginning to feel sorry for my husband, despite the fact I warned him it would happen.

Once you hit your first wedding anniversary and you don’t have any children, it’s only a matter of time before people start prodding you about children. If you don’t want children and make that clear, then you should be fine. However, if you’re like me and Mr. JM – you want children sometime in the future – then the road you travel is a bit more annoying.

Because he sees more people during the day and most of his coworkers know me, Mr. JM is taking the brunt of ‘is she pregnant yet?’ prodding. I’ve been asked about children a couple times while volunteering there – even the ‘are you pregnant yet?’ question – but I haven’t had nearly the amount of commentary he has.

The thing is – and I feel horrible about this – I’m almost, almost, glad that people are mentioning things so he thinks about it without me having to mention it.

Bad JM. Bad wife.

But I do feel bad for him.

~
PS. I think Mr. JM needs a new blog name here. “Mr. JM” is all fine and well, but… What do you think?

Today we have a special guest post from my friend Jenera. She’ll be writing for Long Relationships this week.

We’ve all heard the stories about how your sex life changes during and after pregnancy. Some of it is true, some of it isn’t.

With my first pregnancy, our sex life never suffered. In fact, it was some of the best sex we’d had in our short marriage. I’m not sure why but it was. For us, I was lucky enough to have no complications that prohibited us from having sex right up until the last week. Some folks are not as lucky.

But how about after delivery? After the magical six week waiting period while your body heals?

I’m here to tell you that was a bit tougher. Of course there is the fear of something getting hurt or things not feeling quite right. I was scared. For me, that night after the go ahead from the doctor, I wanted to cry because I was so scared. It was quite literally like the first time.

The one thing that helped us was that we were both aware that things just might not happen. Taking it slow was essential. This is an important time in every relationship. Though sex should always be important, there is some pressure after the baby arrives.

The thought that I had just delivered a baby, a son, for this man that was being so kind and so gentle was almost more than I could bare. Sex changed for us after having our baby but in the best way possible. It was like another bond that made it even more special. Knowing that our love had created another little being and we had something to share forever, made that night even more special.

I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. It was a beautiful moment. Like our marriage had come full circle in a way. I was affected emotionally more than physically.

Sure, people will tell you that the physical aspects can be scary. My biggest piece of advice is be prepared for the flood of emotions you will feel towards your partner, yourself, and your life. It will change you.

Today we have a special guest post from my friend Jenera. She’ll be writing for Long Relationships this week.

Having a relationship with your children is as important as your relationship with your spouse, friends, or family. But it can be the most difficult.

Whether you are a stay at home mom or you work outside of the home, it can be a full time job bonding with your kids. I sometimes worry whether or not I’m doing a good enough job even though I spend just about every second with my son.

He’s two and half now and I’ve been a stay at home mom since he was born. I’ve had some jobs that I can include him in-pilot car driver and some babysitting. I once tried to get a job outside of the home and I just couldn’t leave him.

But just because you spend every day with your child, does not mean that you are building a relationship with him. And vice versa-if you only see your kid once a week, you can still have a strong relationship with him.

I think the biggest hurdle is being invested in what time you do share with your child. Getting right down in the dirt and play with them. Really listen when they talk to you, even if it is just the babbling of babyhood. Including them in the daily things of life and making them feel special.

My husband is a perfect example. He is gone more than he is home, sometimes only being able to home for a few hours before leaving for another week. But I am here to tell you that my son and husband have a bond that I will never have with him and at times I feel they are closer than I am with my son.

The reason? When my husband is home, our son is glued to his side. He includes our boy in everything-fixing the cars, mowing the lawn, eating, cleaning, sleeping, and even bathing. And my son includes my husband in everything-playing, getting dirty, eating snacks, conversations only he understands.

I don’t know that there is a magic recipe for being able to have a relationship with your child. I think I’m doing okay. I believe the way you can tell if you are succeeding is to watch your child when you walk in the room-if their eyes light up and you can feel the love, chances are you have struck magic.

Even if they are just newborns, never pass on the chance to build the relationship with your child that will last a lifetime.

This past weekend was a busy one full of making a mess of the flat, doing laundry, building furniture (we bought two new bookshelves and a new bed, all of which we had to put together) and grocery shopping. It was definitely more active than our usual weekend, but as we finally got the chance to sleep on our new bed last night, it all felt worth it.

On Saturday, the man and I were both pretty tired after a hard week of work, so we decided to heck with it and took an afternoon nap. It was wonderful to have the time to rest as well as well as cuddle a bit and just be with each other.

I woke up a bit before he did, though, and I got to thinking about our lives and how nice it was that we could just take an afternoon nap. While it wasn’t a new experience for me, by any means, it was one of life’s little moments that I have come to so appreciate.

After a while of just blissing off, the thought occurred to me that if we had a child, random afternoon naps would steadily go from ‘whenever’ to ‘never’.

While I sometimes feel down about not having a child and starting a family just yet, it’s times like these that I feel good about not rushing things. The maternal instincts are steadily growing stronger but so is the appreciation for the quiet times I spend with my husband.