Long Relationships

Behaving badly

Let’s be clear on one thing, ‘writing the book’ on relationships is neigh on impossible; experiences and individuals vary too much for that. Even ‘rules’ that you would think would be hard and fast such as ‘thou shalt not cheat’ can be complicated. For example, it is my heartfelt view that an abusive partner abrogates all right to moral consideration and thus somebody cheating on an abusive partner (who may also feel that their safety is under threat if they leave) is not, in my eyes, somebody who should be morally condemned.

Deadly relationship sins such as cheating aside how can you define bad behaviour? Lying, ignoring you, trampling on, manipulating or harming your feelings are all bad behaviour but feelings exist in the ether of our minds. It is in the real world that these problems play out; to take an example, looking at pornography behind your partners back (which is likely to harm their self-esteem) would be bad behaviour. However, if you have told your partner you like porn and want to look at it and they have said it is ok then it is not bad behaviour.

Appreciate the value of setting boundaries; after all if you don’t actually know what your other half considers bad behaviour then it is hard to know when you are in danger of crossing that line. The fact is that each individual has their own set of values through which they judge other people so it is best that you know your partners. If you don’t assert yourself then it is likely that you will soon find yourself trampled on. The person sitting opposite you is your *partner* not your master or mistress except in the bedroom, if that is what floats your boat.

This is equally important to remember when setting boundaries. For example, you may feel your partner spends too much time out and not enough with you but just when do you cross that fine line from justifiably claiming more attention from your partner to being possessive. Balance is the key. So, in our example you may tell your partner you want to spend Friday night with you but let them have some guilt-free gallivanting with friends on Saturday. Thus we see the microcosm of a perfect trade-off; you have gained a Friday night together and your partner has gained their space entitlement, both have given and received something.

Sometimes, invariably the line will be crossed but ‘Tit-for-tat’ is always a bad idea in relationships because nine times out of ten it spirals downwards into a murky place. Sometimes it learns the badly behaved a lesson but that is very very rare; if you say you have forgiven something then part of that package is the implicit promise not to retaliate. If you do then you cannot truly say you have forgiven that transgression; also you cede that valuable moral high ground which everybody scrambles for when the relationship goes ‘west-side’ and it begins to resemble a scene from Machivellis Italy.

Dealing with bad behaviour requires a firm but fair hand; or else you end up in the ‘grey area’ between sainthood and sinner status. If you show the same lack of understanding and care for your partner then they will not improve their behaviour because they will see no reason too and begin to feel that one set of rules operates for you and a different set for them. You also have to remember that your partner is an adult, not a naughty child although similar strategies can apply. Of course, if the transgression is bad enough then you are going to consider breaking-up but that is a different story.

So, you have got this far in and you are still none the wiser as to how you can minimise your own ‘bad behaviour’. Let’s start by establishing some ground-rules:

1) Consideration: As the Sunscreen song puts it: “sometimes you are ahead and sometimes you are behind”. Your partner is a human being and they have all the same needs, wants and foibles as any other human being plus their own peculiar ones. Often it is the peculiar ones that cause the most problems. It is my view this problem stems from the fact that sometimes partners lose sight of their partner as a separate, free-standing, individual from them and view everything in terms of the unit.

Going back to the original point, sometimes you will be naturally the most considered and others you will not. It is only fair that this is the way. Absolutist demands that you are always considered first will soon find you rejected; on the other hand there are times when it is quite right that you demand your feelings etc are giving primacy. The trick is, as always, knowing when is the right time to sit back and when is the right time to assert yourself.

2)Communication: It is my passionate belief that most relationship problems can be solved by more of this; however, sometimes the problems themselves inhibit it, for example I have been in conversations where I have been well aware that me and my partner are talking ‘at’ each other and not too each other at all. If communication is breaking down then you are often better discontinuing the conversation since it is likely to become a blazing row very soon.

However, if you don’t talk to your other half then there is little to no chance of you ever resolving the problem and sometimes not even of knowing what the problem is. Atmosphere and preparation can aid communication in all sorts of ways but the key thing to remember is to actually do it!!

3) Hard-work: This is self-explanatory. I never tire of pointing out that even those most idealistic romantic stories include an ‘awkward middle’ when the key question is ‘will they, won’t they’? The myth of a smooth, uninterrupted path to true love is just that, a myth. Most, if not all, relationships are hard work, dammed hard work which sometimes can seem never to end; the general idea is that the rewards outweigh the price you pay.
If you are not willing to do the work then it speaks ill of your view of that person. We can all be hard work at times and a little sacrifice is sometimes necessary. If you not willing to make that effort then you really need to question why you are in a relationship with a person that you are not willing to work with.

However, if you are doing all the giving and no receiving; or else you feel you are receiving a helping of Trill compared to the gourmet meal you offer, then sitting back and taking it can cause just as many problems. You being to find fault and paradoxically demand more than you would normally to compensate: borrowing a phrase, its like asking for $5, being refused then asking for $50. Your demands become more absolutist and the ‘behaviour line’ becomes blurred. You demand more than you should but your partner gives less than they should so you become like two tectonic plates grating off of each other; with an eruption inevitable.

Bad behaviour left unchecked can be a relationship killer. So, next time you or your partner is behaving badly act quickly.