Long Relationships

I have a girlfriend who has been married for like—forever. You noticed that I didn’t say; ‘happily married’ or ‘unhappily married’. No, plain ‘married’ is the most appropriated description.

We are very good friends and like all good friends we call each other often and spend hours on the phone. I can tell her mood by her ‘hello.� I bet she can tell mine. Because I’m single, my moods are less mercurial and possibly more predictable than hers. I mean; I live alone, have no pets, my plants don’t talk back, and my neighbors are all pleasant and living very busy lives.

When I listen to her, recounting some of her problems ordinary or not, I feel blessed in my state of singleness. I promise myself never to get caught in the; “I do� trap. Not that my friend complains or anything, she talks about her daily happenings and I talk about mine.

Of course, there is the other side of the coin, when the stars and the planets align, her husbands gets home early, the dinner turns out simply scrumptious, their favorite shows is on tonight, and the scent of the roses she grows in her garden floats through the open window while they make earth shattering love by moonlight… Okay, I made up the part about the open window.

We don’t discuss the details of our sex life. No need to. When I hear the dreamy tone of her voice, her impromptu giggling for no apparent reason, at the most inappropriate moment, I know she experienced Love and Lust with a capital L.

Hey, sometime I get lucky and get the capital L part of the experience while still skipping the “I do� part. One time, I asked her if the good times outnumbered the bad ones. Was that the secret to her long lasting relationship?

“Committed relationships aren’t about keeping score,� she said, “love is about giving and taking, sharing and compromising. Meeting half way, willing to do what’s best for the one you love, regardless of what you get in return. Obviously if my needs weren’t met I wouldn’t be in this relationship, it works both ways.�

At first it sounded to me like sour grapes, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. That was a well-balanced view of love. It lingered in my mind, like a catchy tune whose words you can’t remember yet you can’t stop humming it.

All things considered, it made a lot of sense. So much sense that I thought it would be interesting if there was a questionnaire on the subject, sort of a test couples would have to take before getting a marriage license. Flunk the test? Forget the license, it’s straight to couples’ therapy baby!

I have this mental picture of horny young men, pregnant young girls, older couples with walkers, shouting and pushing, trying to get to those public servants who won’t let them marry. And how about the divorce lawyers? They’ll be there in throngs, inciting the mob, passing out free sodas and taser-guns.

Dream on, that would make way too much sense. Until someone comes up with something to weed out bad relationships before they go too far, I’ll stick to my original plan, never say; “I do.�

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)