Are relationships even worth it?
A very new friend and colleague of mine, Liane Schmidt, wrote a “pondering� today on her website (Artist’s Passion) about Relationships.
I would argue that a relationship born of too many similarities could be likened to watching paint dry. Though I have quite a narcissistic fondness for myself, I doubt I would enjoy being in the same room with “me� and hearing “my� opinions all day long. I like a bit more spice in my relationship and the energy that is created from knowing your spouse will certainly have a different view but will laugh, love and embrace you for yours.
Should you seek out marked differences when looking for a mate? That’s not the way to go in my opinion either. Some things can be tolerated* (like the carnivore and vegetarian, for example) but cornerstones of one’s ideology in regard to religious, political, or social views are dramatically different things. We chuckled at our old Republican friend, Joe for taking on a Democrat in his new relationship. (Joe and his Demo have since broken up.) It doesn’t happen in every circumstance, but typically such differences cause problems, which multiply exponentially when children arrive.
Is a relationship born of countless similarities a sure thing? Do “sure things� exist at all, or is it work no matter how perfect?
Well, I have the answer!
Actually, I don’t…Many people would claim to so that you’ll buy their book, join their cult, or spend countless hours in their office while lying prone on a couch talking about your childhood. But, that’s the wrong direction.
Before you jump into a long-term relationship, know yourself. Discover your passionate likes and dislikes, your moods, views, wants and goals for this life. Then, you’ll be sound enough in your own development that you can properly seek out a partner that would not just compliment—but promote and encourage that growth.
You see, the most important quality in any of my relationships is adaptability. It goes without saying that you will inevitably experience times of growth, stagnation and regression in your relationship. And, you will not always experience it at the same time as your spouse! But, if you can honor them as individuals (and they, you) that is a solid foundation that will likely be able to endure some staggeringly rough times.
Liane, my dear, it is work but, not in the sense that we think of drudgery and thankless efforts. Rather, it is a mindful endeavor with certain payoff if you and your partner are of the same mindset and goals about the relationship.
My husband and I both agree: “We got way better than we deserve.� Sometimes, it’s that humility that carries us through the rough times. Sometimes, it’s just staying in the room. Either way, we certainly have a large part of life and family left to create. But, we’re looking forward to the work of the journey.
*Addendum to this article: In my haste to write this post yesterday evening (and simultaneously reading another post that irked me a bit) I used this word that I don’t particularly care for. John was kind enough to remind me of my disdain for it. Thanks, John! The word “tolerance” to me screams superiority in some way. As though you are graciously allowing other tiny, insignificant, less intelligent folk their opinions or their beliefs. It’s as though by saying you’re tolerant of something you feel you deserve a pat on the back. It’s a buzz word in our culture that I can’t wait to see the extinguishing of. My preferred word is something along the lines of loving, consciously trying to understand, respecting, and appreciating different opinions or views in the world. We’ll never all agree, so there’s no reason to tolerate. We should embrace each other’s humanity and free will to do and think as we see fit. Never tolerate. Always revere.
significant other, spouse, journey, communication, adaptability, marriage, committment
November 16th, 2006 at 1:40 am
Regarding compatibility, I agree wholeheartedly!
Variety (within the context of a relationship
is the spice of life, but daily conflict, especially about the basics, is a sure way to an early grave, or successful sitcom.
I’m too young to die, and unwilling to become a living sitcom, or heaven forbid, reality TV show. Blech.
I like knowing my wife and I are in sync with the “big stuff,” and often enjoy squabbling over things you’re not supposed to sweat.
I’ve recently been informed that some people do not sweat at all, so they surely know what I mean
The first time around, this was not so.
Many, many similarities tied us together, but one or two MAJOR differences doomed that marriage from the start. It just took about 14 years to figure it out, is all.
Still, she was (and is) a good friend.
November 16th, 2006 at 11:43 am
One thing’s for sure Christina, you know how to make friends. Being kind, supportive, proud, and “working” on developing a relationship - be it friend or sig other - you know how to make a substantial, valuable relationship work. I guess, I was looking at “working” from the perspective of the difficult relationships I have been in. When I was saying not working - I had a very best friend once, the best in my life. She and I did everything together and never once did we fight, everything was perfect - I know people say that doesn’t exist, but I KNOW they’re wrong. True love for friend or sig other, does exist and when it does, there is no need to argue…in my opinion. But then again, she and I did not keep in touch over the years. She moved away to another state and maybe the ties that come when people argue, somehow add that extra ingredient that is necessary in making relationships last…hmmm? More pondering’s… *:)
I would say more…but this comment’s pretty long already!
Best wishes.
-Liane Schmidt
http://www.artistspassion.com
November 16th, 2006 at 2:02 pm
During all of my speaking-about-my-childhood-while-laying-on-a-couch episodes, I’ve come to learn that true compatibility is not really about compatibility, but about 1)being true to yourself and 2)allowing your partner to be true to him or herself. If you’re unable to tolerate the views of a conservative republican, then you better not marry one. I ask however, why is it a matter of tolerance? Why can’t we happily embrace and love the republicanism along with everything else. Why can’t we allow a religious partner to have his or her religion, and expect that that partner will allow us our athiesm? Certainly there are so many other fun and happy things to do together that do not include church or political rallies, allowing some enjoyable together time and enjoyable time alone as well, to pursue our individual passions.
November 16th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
Looking back on this article now, I’m upset that I used the word “tolerate.” It’s not my favorite either as it goes against what I truly think–but it’s a commonly used word.
There are two paths to take on this and it truly does depend on the individuals involved.
1. If you are unwavering in your opinions and cannot love, respect, and honor the opinions of your significant other…then you should find someone who DOES have similar religious and political views. (In the two people I mentioned in the article, they were of this option.)
2. If you are the sort that can know yourself, be firm and convicted in your beliefs and still able to “honor your partner as individuals (and they, you).” Then, the larger issues perhaps wouldn’t be as big of a deal for you.
There is so very much to do outside of one’s views. Prior to writing this, I was all fired up at the very pointed comment of someone else’s very rigid views. That’s what I had in mind when I wrote this was the sort of individual who was unwavering and judgmental in their views…I think for those individuals who have strong views, but are loving and accepting of other’s rights to their views the answer is simple. A relationship between those two souls is possible…and could in all likelihood be very stimulating.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:34 am
I’ve always wondered about couples who have the same opinions,hobbies and dreams. They appear more compatible. But then differences make an already interesting life even more interesting. Its hard to accept and even tolerate some differences but you can learn so much. ‘Tolerate’is a good word though it sounds harsh. I think love and tolerance go hand in hand.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:52 am
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