A New Monogamy
I caught the last twenty minutes of a talk show today (thanks to a friend) where the topic was “The New Monogamy.? Dr. Keith Ablow brought a panel of couples before his studio audience who have “open marriages.? They all bring couples and/or single men and women into their beds for sexual play.
This lifestyle seems to be the buzz these days with specials on ABC’s Primetime, WE’s Secret Lives of Women, and now this program. The individuals in the lifestyle have been called swingers, lifestylers, and even outsiders (that one was coined on Primetime).
Without this getting into a huge debate over morals, family values, and that sort of thing—I’d like to just look more closely at the dynamic between the man and woman who fit into this lifestyle.
One could argue that there are attributes within their relationship that support their lifestyle choices (swinging):
- Is it mindful communication? Could the dialogue that they have about their needs, their intimacy be that much more connected to each other to allow other variables and experiences into their lives that won’t threaten the sanctity of their marriage? Are they more active in soliciting needs/desires from their spouse, connecting them in a much more inviolate way?
- Is it openness with their spouse about sex?
- Have they developed an intimacy that is sacred and special to them? One couple commented that her husband may “have sex with other women, but he only makes love to me.? Is that level of emotional detachment possible?
- Do they have ever evolving rules and guidelines about their play with others? And does the dialogue around that enhance their intimacy? Do they agree that playing with another couple means experience and sensuality, but that there is a boundary of emotion toward others that will not be expressed? Do they reflect on their play with others, learning from it and growing intimately together (without the presence of another couple)?
- Or, on the other side of the coin—are these couples just not truly in love, in tune, and in sync with each other, yet both complacent enough to stay in the relationship (and get the benefit of sleeping with whomever they choose!)? Do they seek these experiences with the same purpose of increased connectedness to each other? Or does one of them truly want out—have they already retained a divorce lawyer and this is one last-ditch effort to save the marriage? Are these couples just giving a lofty, sophisticated name to something that has been around forever—infidelity?
Should we just dismiss the fact that over 5 million people are a part of this lifestyle? Do we want to believe that this is just a sex-crazed, younger culture that shouldn’t really be married at all? Or, should we look more clearly at what motivates them? Should we abandon our bias and shock at this taboo to try to more completely understand their philosophy, not in an attempt to adopt it perhaps, but in an attempt to understand—and borrow some of their ideology and reflections to adopt in our own, less hedonistic, lives?
Exercise: Don’t try to imagine your partner with someone else….no, that’s not where this exercise would have you go today! Instead, think about how you feel when your partner looks at a person of the opposite sex. Are you the type of person who would smack him in the arm for looking at another woman, clear your throat to get her attention if she’s gawking at another man, or help point out someone who is attractive? What emotion drives that reaction–fear, jealousy? What would eliminate the need to feel that way in that situation–confidence that you’re sexy to your partner, more discussion about what “looking at someone” means?
Resources:
Dr. Keith Ablow
The New Monogamy, open marriages, swingers, marriage, swinging, swingers lifestyle, Dr. Keith Ablow
October 23rd, 2006 at 3:02 am
Concerning various forms of life-style, my thesis is that people lose the linkage between the actual meaning of a word and the representation it has in real (natural) life. It gets more and more a ritual and what is behind it, gets lost. For example, when I as a German native speaker, make contact to Americans, I always feel in the need of an answer when they say “Hi, how are you” - I always want to answer on this “how are you” since this question in German forces you to give an answer. Not so, it seems, in the English language. The people I make contact with, just go on talking. Now exchange this “how are you” against a term like “monogamy”. What is monogamy? Is it really what we commonly define as being married to each other (like you do here) ? I do not think so. In my eyes, talking about a generation that does not include different moral values in its lifestyle misses the point. Perhaps it is exactly the other way round and exactly this generation is more honest to itself and respects what their nature is: to not live in a certain kind of monogamy, since they know that this seems unnatural to them. And even if this definition applies to a certain kind of person (male, mid 20s/30s?), it is better if these people tell their friends (partners) what is actually going on than if they just go into marriage and divorse a few years later.
Words have meanings and real life representations. and I think it is time to rethink what follows the textual definition of a natural status when it come to relationships.
October 26th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
Wow…now here’s a topic that can really get your mind spinning.
I don’t believe there is a right or wrong choice. The choice does have to be right for each individual, though. Looking back at my own life, I most certainly was able to separate love from sex, so much so that it was difficult for me to “make love” vs. “having sex.” This issue haunted my relationships and I think I am in touch with myself well enough to know that I would be treading on dangerous ground and most likely disrupt my otherwise wonderful marriage. I have great fun imagining all kinds of things erotic and sensual. I do think, however, that it would be easy to activate that switch of mine which turns off the emotional to allow the physical to occur. I do believe that communication of all things good and bad is crucial in order to have a successful long-term relationship. I don’t believe that sharing my bed with others with keep the shadow of divorce from darkening my doorstep. But that’s just me : )
But, as they say, to each his own!
October 29th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
I’ve been a single ’swinger’ for a few years now and met quite a few happily married couples on the scene. Surprisingly, it’s very often the woman’s choice to ’swing’ as she may feel sexually dissatisfied and her husband goes along with letting her play with others or encourages her to do so. I personally think that it’s very challenging to maintain a dynamic sex life with the same person over a decade or more. I think as society becomes more open, more and more couples will have open or fluid relationships where one or both partners takes a lover or has various sexual friends. I wrote about my own experience of swinging in a book called, ‘The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker: An Erotic Memoir.’
October 30th, 2006 at 12:10 am
Kim- Great Comment. I think that’s truly what I hoped my article would ilicit from people–a thoughtful reflection on whether or not they [as individuals] could participate in something like that. In looking at your needs, you’ve deduced that it wouldn’t be a good fit for you. I think we can assume that the majority of people within the swinger lifestyle have had the same thoughtful reflection.
My husband and I have close friends within the lifestyle, and some truly believe that it is a combination of the emotional and the physical that make swinging exciting and fulfilling. They have said to us that they aren’t turning off something, but turning on (no pun intended) a part of their intimacy. It’s for that reason that I think great caution and reflection should go into participating in this lifestyle. It truly is only for the most resilient relationships, I gather…Let me reiterate that I don’t think it would EVER prevent a divorce from happening–those relationships have no business bringing others into their bed in my humble opinion.
October 30th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
[...] Thoughts on Sex and Relationships 5 things you don’t know about me Don’t fuck the pregnant lady! A New Monogamy Strike one Swinger vs. Poly: What IS Polyamory? Part 2 Tarts in Tartan, Part 1 Waxed You Are Not Alone If You Are Alone [...]
October 31st, 2006 at 4:21 am
[...] Thoughts on Sex and Relationships 5 things you don’t know about me (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com) Don’t fuck the pregnant lady! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com) A New Monogamy (http://www.longrelationships.com) Strike one (http://junohenry.wordpress.com) Swinger vs. Poly: What IS Polyamory? Part 2 (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com) Tarts in Tartan, Part 1 (http://thelibertinewife.com/blog) You Are Not Alone If You Are Alone (http://www.teen-porn-site.com) [...]
October 31st, 2006 at 4:29 am
[...] Thoughts on Sex and Relationships 5 things you don’t know about me (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com) Don’t fuck the pregnant lady! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com) A New Monogamy (http://www.longrelationships.com) Strike one (http://junohenry.wordpress.com) Swinger vs. Poly: What IS Polyamory? Part 2 (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com) Tarts in Tartan, Part 1 (http://thelibertinewife.com/blog) You Are Not Alone If You Are Alone (http://www.teen-porn-site.com) [...]
October 31st, 2006 at 1:05 pm
[...] Thoughts on Sex and Relationships 5 things you don’t know about me (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com) Don’t fuck the pregnant lady! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com) A New Monogamy (http://www.longrelationships.com) Strike one (http://junohenry.wordpress.com) Swinger vs. Poly: What IS Polyamory? Part 2 (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com) Tarts in Tartan, Part 1 (http://thelibertinewife.com/blog) You Are Not Alone If You Are Alone (http://www.teen-porn-site.com) [...]
November 4th, 2006 at 11:20 am
I am old enough to recall the book by the O”neills, of NYU, which was called Open Marriage. It was a very big seller andsuggested that jealousy etc would come to an end through openness etc. Many people having read the book and tried open marriage soon divorced! Later, the O”Neills split up and he wrote a book AGAINST open marriage. Shame so many couples had not waited for his second book to come out
November 5th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
[...] 5 things you don’t know about me (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com) Don’t fuck the pregnant lady! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com) A New Monogamy (http://www.longrelationships.com) Strike one (http://junohenry.wordpress.com) Swinger vs. Poly: What IS Polyamory? Part 2 (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com) Tarts in Tartan, Part 1 (http://thelibertinewife.com/blog) You Are Not Alone If You Are Alone (http://www.teen-porn-site.com) [...]
November 5th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
Well, my concern in the continually evolving discussion on this topic is that there are varying types of “open marriages.” (See Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage_styles)
The type of open marriage that we are discussing here is not the “key party” separate encounters that some first think of when they hear the term “open marriage.” Swinging, for the majority of individuals who engage in it, is a dynamic that focuses on sexual acts with others, not the development of emotional, loving connections.
As there are inherent similarities in these two concepts, it’s possible to confuse them. But, an effort should be made by us “observers” to look at the heart of what the participants are seeking. Are they seeking emotional attachments–”polyamory?” Or, sexual experiences–”swinging?”
As I said in my second article on this topic, I don’t think that swinging will bring an end to jealousy. If you have jealous tendencies, perhaps this isn’t the life for you. It’s necessary to reflect on that before you dive right in. It might just help you avoid the outcome that the O’Neills endured.
November 7th, 2006 at 8:47 am
[...] My post on “A New Monogamy? has received both public and private acknowledgements. Sugasm recently chosen the article for their Sugasm #52 as an interesting piece on “Thoughts on Sex & Relationships.? (Caution: There are some very sexually explicit articles on that site.) I’ve also gotten several public and private comments on the questions I posited. [...]
September 6th, 2007 at 12:21 am
[...] sex with you now”. Even monogamy is not entirely clear any more: we have been seeing numerous discussions on the “new monogamy”, which seems to strongly resemble nonmonogamy. In the BDSM [...]
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hi! this is funny finding this- Kim and I were ON that show! We were the couple on the right (if youre in the audience). Connect to us on myspace- we’ll be happy to awnser ANY questions you might have, as long as they are respectful.
http://www.myspace.com/ercinc1
as for some of the concerns and questions brought up by the blog-
a BIG factor you have to consider is- just because YOU yourself cant understand, participate, or comprehend it, does NOT mean that other humans CANT do it in thier brain. we are all wired differently, with varied life experiences.
For example, I sure as hell can’t play the piano, but I don’t ask “how does he DO that? how can he move his fingers like that to get notes to come out, and interprate the little black dots as music? i just dont understand- therefore, it must be wrong and not natural!”
LOL
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