Long Relationships

I guess it’s time for me to stop feeling like a sham and admit the problems I’m going through right now in my relationship. Yesterday was not an easy day for me in that regard; I felt completely outside of my body when my boy began to ignore me Monday night. I tortured myself with all the horrible possibilities (or lack thereof) our relationship had ahead. “Todd” left me with nothing to work with. We somehow managed to steal an amazing four-day weekend away from our busy schedules, had many more serious talks and became increasingly closer. The only major problem we dealt with was the cat’s brilliant plot to tear us apart. Ha, I guess it kind of worked.

Anyway, according to “Todd,” he’s scared by his own feelings for me. It’s hard to tune out my bullshit alarm, but I really do trust him in his strong (yet frightening) feelings for me. He “freaked out” and wanted to put some distance between us. I understand that men are frightened by words like “forever” and “marriage” but, I don’t know, “it’s something to think about.” Yes, I understand that it happens, but I can’t understand why. (Except for vague explanations given in my freshman biology class — something about men wanting to spread their seeds and never settle down. But I’m no scientist.)

He finally gave in and called me last night. He explained his troubled feelings, which turned out exactly as I expected them to be. He’s a year younger than me. He doesn’t want to think about these kinds of decisions right now. I understand.

One thing that struck me sometime last week was my realization of why I loved him so: he always keeps me guessing. I never knew what type of guy I went after, or what I looked for in a guy until I realized that. I told him about half of my prior statement, and he later told me that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. In fact, he thinks I’m sort of predictable. That hurt me. I prefer to think of that situation as my mother so nicely put it: of course he can predict my actions, he’s beginning to get to know me very well.

The conversation ended on fair enough terms, but something seemed off today. I’ve never felt so genuinely apathetic about our relationship’s future (or lack thereof). I just wasn’t bothered by it today. (Well, maybe enough so to put the thought into a blog about the situation, but you get what I mean.)

Today while I was at work I received this text: “I don’t want this to end. You mean the world to me. I freak out sometimes. Hope your day is kicking as much a*ss as you do.” I was unaffected by it. I remember telling him on Sunday that I could completely put my trust in him. But when he ignores me completely instead of just telling me the way he feels, I lose all trust again. If he can’t take care of my feelings, how can I expect him to take care of my trust in him?

I’m so afraid that I’m going to become the negligent, standoffish girlfriend that I’ve been in the past. I like sharing my life with my boyfriend. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for us to see eye to eye on the future.