Long Relationships

***IMPORTANT NOTE: To celebrate the upcoming 50th Love Question, I will be giving away an awesome prize from Jenera Healy Photography. Keep checking in to find out how you can win.***

It is going to be *very* easy for people to get a chance to win, so to be sure to head over here next week for the 50th Love Question….

________

Hello everyone!

Today I’m feeling a bit nostalgic and thinking about all the things Mr. JM and I went through to be with each other. There were some very hard times, times when we didn’t know if our relationship would be able to survive. But we did so beautifully…

Anyway, I got to thinking about the sacrifices we made to be with each other. Mr. JM sacrificed a lot and took a lot of pain to be with me. Even when he didn’t have a lot of money himself, he’d spare some for me. And every week, through good times and bad, he put a little bit of money into a savings account that ended up buying my plane tickets over here.

I’m wondering…

Make sure you leave a link to your answer in the comments section and link to the sites featured with the questions.

If you do answer on your blog, please spread the link love and link to:

Aud from Mom.Dad.Chat
Abbey at Random Thoughts
Jenera at Just Me

And, of course, I always appreciate your links to me.

Don’t forget to leave me a link in the comments to your response.

Have fun!

Today is Cherie Burbach’s last day guest posting here at Long Relationships. I hope everyone has enjoyed her time here and a special thank you to Cherie for stopping by.

Search Criteria

Search criteria is the single most misleading element of Internet dating. After all, when told to choose specific characteristics of someone you might want to date, it can seem as you have the capability to order up the perfect mate. With questions like “hair color,” “ethnicity” and “education” it’s easy to fall into the trap of limiting search criteria to an “idea” on who you might want to date.

The problems is, search criteria is a major part of how most sites provide you with matches, but it does this based on superficial qualities that in the end have nothing to do with attraction. Ultimately your perfect match is going to be someone you are attracted to on a deeper level – one that goes beyond physical qualities.

So how do you accomplish that when the only way you can search for someone is by specific physical criteria and misc. data? You do it by two key things: keeping your search criteria open and having an essay that shows your personality.

Ultimately your search criteria should be broad enough to include a large number of potential matches. A common complaint with online daters is that they aren’t getting enough responses, or are simply getting too many of the “wrong” types of responses. One way you can combat this problem is with the search criteria you use, but you’ve really got to give it some consideration.

First, let me explain why search criteria can be used by other dates to judge you. There are a number of questions related to your search criteria that you will also likely answer in a short-answer format. These responses will be displayed on your profile, so any potential match will get to see what specifically you are looking for in a mate. While in theory this should not give you any problems, the reality is that some of your potential matches will use the search criteria you’ve enlisted to further size you up.

For example, it might be great to think that you’d like a guy that made at least $150,000 a year, but if you use this as part of your search criteria it may actually put off someone that falls within the range – as they’ll think that’s all you’re looking for. Consider what your search criterion says about you. In using the example just mentioned, a potential date may think you’re only after them for the money.

We all probably have an idea of the type of person we want, so when we fill out the short answer questions we list exactly what we want – height, age, income, eye color, body type… etc. Let me give you an example:

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No, I don’t mean an excited, “Are you ready to date?” (Big smile!)

I mean, “Is your head in the right place?” (Concerned look.)

Just because you’re single now does not mean you are ready for a relationship and all it entails. Heck, it doesn’t even mean you should be thinking about dating.

Under what circumstances should you NOT go online? Here are a few:

You Just Got Out of a Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

• And by “just” I mean the fact that you are now single probably hasn’t even sunk in yet for you. Everyone needs time to grieve the loss of their old relationship (even if it was a bad one) before they can fully appreciate moving on to a new one.

• It’s natural to feel lonely, angry, and confused after a break up of any type, but this goes double if the relationship was a long one. If you force yourself to “get out there” before you are ready, you will only look like a fool and wind up hurting someone else needlessly. Why? Because people who are hurt and have not yet reconciled themselves to their past will go on and hurt others. Even if they don’t mean to.

• Wait until you’ve let enough time pass to clear your head so you can approach online dating the right way.

You Are Still IN a Relationship

• This would seem like an obvious point, wouldn’t it? And yet you wouldn’t believe how many online daters are still in a relationship but are “seeing what’s out there” by emailing people online.

• Unless you are totally free to date, DO NOT go online and email someone. DO NOT even browse the profiles.

• Make a decision to either stay in your current relationship, or leave it. It’s that simple. Don’t wait to see if you can “find someone better” before you break up your old relationship. Get a clean break and then (and only then) should you go online.

• Even if some sites list “currently separated” or “friends first” as a choice online, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to create a profile just to flirt or chat with someone you have no real intention of dating.

• If you’re in doubt about whether you should go online, just think about if your current partner did the same thing. If it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t do it yourself.

You Have a Bad Attitude

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Internet dating is a bit different in terms of manners and appropriate behavior. You still want to be kind and courteous, of course, but there are a few more rules that aren’t necessarily the same as in the “real world.”

For example:

Write to the People That Interest You, and Even a Few Who Don’t

• It may seem odd to say that you should write to a few people you aren’t wild about, but here’s the thing: Just because a person’s profile doesn’t reach out and grab you doesn’t mean you won’t become attracted to him or her once you meet in person. Not everyone can articulate themselves as well as you might be able to in a profile. So even if they sound boring in their profile, they may be the life of the party in person.

• Continue writing to people even if you haven’t heard back from daters you’ve emailed. The reality is some people just will not respond back to you.

• In order to keep a steady stream of responses coming in to your inbox, make sure you continually send out emails to new people.

• Along those same lines, it’s okay to meet people for coffee at the same time you are emailing other people.

• It’s even okay to go out with a few people at the same time, if you keep your dates platonic and casual. The minute you want to kick things up a notch (which is a subtle way of having a sleep over) you should have a talk with your partner about seeing each other exclusively. Never assume your partner is seeing only you unless you talk to them about it.

It’s Okay To Ignore Emails

• This just seems to go against all the rules of etiquette, doesn’t it? But it’s true. If someone emails you and they don’t interest you in any way, shape, or form, it’s okay to just hit delete and not give it a second thought.

• I know a lot of online daters that try and come up with a kind response to tell someone they aren’t interested. But the reality is it’s kinder to simply ignore the email than it is to send a response that says, “Sorry, not interested.”

Email Is An Acceptable Form of Communication to Tell Someone You’ve Met for Coffee That It Isn’t Going to Work

• If you’ve only met someone for a coffee date, it’s okay to leave the date after an hour (like any good coffee date should last), return home, and send off an email to the person saying you’re not interested. (Although you should try and at least wait a day to let them down.)

• You don’t need to phone them or see them again in person to tell them a relationship just isn’t going to happen.

• Let me remind you: The purpose of going out on a coffee date is to determine if you like someone enough to see them again for a regular first date. Since you aren’t seeing them in the traditional sense, and up until the coffee date you’ve used email as your primary communication, it is perfectly acceptable to email them after a coffee date and say, “I really enjoyed meeting you. But I don’t believe we have that much in common. I think you’re a terrific person and I hope you find your match.”

• After this email, do not correspond with them again. There is nothing worse than being dumped over email and then getting a message that says, “Hi, do you want to be friends?”

• You don’t get to be friends with someone you’ve just met for coffee and then dumped. Just move on. (It’s better for both of you.)

This week author Cherie Burbach will be joining us to talk about internet dating. While I did meet my husband online, I didn’t meet him through dating sites. So I will leave it to the more knowledgeable people to talk about internet dating… I hope you’ll welcome her to this site.

Cherie Burbach used her experience with meeting her husband online to pen At the Coffee Shop, a humorous look at the world of Internet dating. Cherie went on over 60 coffee dates in just six months. She met lots of great people and one of those turned out to be the guy she would marry just one year later.

She is the Dating Feature Writer for Suite101, an online magazine with over 10 million views monthly, and also the author of three poetry books, including A New Dish and The Difference Now. Her latest, Father’s Eyes, has received the 2008 Editor’s Choice Award by Allbooks Review. Cherie blogs at Jennifer Lopez, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Career and Kids, Celebrity Apprentice, Gossip on Sports, and Diabetes Notes.

For poets looking for a review of their book, check out Cherie’s new site Bonjour Poetry Reviews.

Readers have resonated with Cherie’s honest and inspirational “This I Believe” essay, which is the second-most popular out of over 32,000 entries on the NPR website. For more information, please visit Cherie’s website at www.thedifferencenow.com

About the Book

Have you become frustrated with Internet dating?

If you’ve tried online dating and given up, or even if you thought the Internet wasn’t right for you, this book will give you the courage to try again, this time armed with specific illustrations on what really works - from the profile through the dating stage. Don’t waste another minute wondering why some people seem to have Internet dating success while you’re still waiting for a response to your online ad. Through dozens of concrete examples, dating expert Cherie Burbach will show you how to write an eye-catching profile, search for, and meet the right person online.

Hello everyone!

I’ve decided to hold a contest that will be a good thing for everyone. I don’t feel right just asking for help without offering something in return, so I figured a contest would be the perfect way to do things.

I write for a site called The Bloggers Guide, writing articles all about my beloved Melbourne and surrounds. Currently, they have a contest running for the six regional winners from around the world. (I’m standing for Australasia.)

I’m hoping to not only win the grand prize but to also have at least some of my entries become popular enough to be published in The Bloggers Guide to Melbourne book. I very much need your help.

What You Can Win

Like I said, I don’t feel quite right asking for your help and giving nothing in return. What I’m offering you is… drumroll… a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Campus Chronicles. (The one in the picture.)

Why this book? This recently published book just so happens to have a nonfiction story about a horror roommate of mine tucked in its pages.

I’m giving away three copies. If more than ten people enter, I will increase the number of copies to give away to five.

If you’re not keen on this book, just let me know and we’ll work something else out.

Winners of this (my) contest will be announced May 3rd.

How to Win

I very much hope you’ll go in and vote to help me, as it doesn’t take a lot of time and you don’t have to sign up to do so. However, there is no way to keep track of who voted. Because of that…

All you have to do is put up one post. Easy peasy. Just let your readers know what’s going on and that I’m looking for a little help from my friends (I’m going to get that song stuck in my head now). Put up a post with a little blurb, the links to where they can vote, and how they can also go in for a chance to win. (They must come back here to leave a link to their post to be entered.)

Where to Vote:

Go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/wbc and give five stars to The New Australian.

Go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/melbourne/the-new-australian and rate me at five stars again.

Lastly, go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/blogs/jmsilver That’s a list of all my blog entries. You can click on the “+” signs next to each entry.

Voting goes until May 1st, so be sure to check in often and cheer on The New Australian.

As always, thank you for your kindness and support.

Hello and welcome to the Friday Free-for-All!

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

(Remember to ask another question! It makes the game harder if people only answer them.)

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Getting to Know You

Question: Where are you from?

***IMPORTANT NOTE: To celebrate the upcoming 50th Love Question, I will be giving away an awesome prize from Jenera Healy Photography. Keep checking in to find out how you can win.***

It’s still over a month away, but I figure it’s a good thing to let you know early that there will be a contest happening….

We’re slowly drawing closer. I’m sure you are all probably boring of the anticipation, but I figure getting it out there early is the only way to let people know about the awesome prize…

~~~~

Today I have been thinking about people’s opinions and views. A lot of people out there seem to think if you don’t do things their way, you’re doing them wrong. Even when it comes to things that are individual - not right or wrong.

That led me to thinking about views of marriage. To everyone who knows us, Mr. JM and I are only a strange couple because we actually like each other. (Hehe.) However, to other people, we have far from the ideal marriage because of our age differences.

I’m wondering…

Make sure you leave a link to your answer in the comments section and link to the sites featured with the questions.

If you do answer on your blog, please spread the link love and link to:

Aud from Mom.Dad.Chat
Abbey at Random Thoughts
Jenera at Just Me

And, of course, I always appreciate your links to me.

Don’t forget to leave me a link in the comments to your response.

Have fun!

I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a post about travelling as a couple. He wrote me five. This is the third post in his post series on travel.

Travel broadens the mind they say. And it’s true – when we travel we find new people, new ways, and enter worlds where our normal support mechanisms don’t reach out to assist. We find our feet or scuttle home based soley on our own abilities.

Going places involves two parts. There is the journey and the destination. Some people are all about the destination – you see them on the freeways, zooming along with set faces, every sense geared to getting where they need or want to be – ask them later about the scenery and you’re likely to get a blank look.

Others are more about the journey – yes they might be aimed at a particular place and even a time, but along the way there are pleasures to be had, sights to be seen and in the best of times, someone with whom to share them. The journey can be far more fascinating for some people than the destination. It is a time where the unusual and unexpected can find their way to us, opening eyes and paring back the familiar to show us new wonders, different layers and the complexity of experience.

And as we go there’s nothing quite like having a companion beside us, someone who knows from whence we came and can understand the wonder or shock we might feel when confronted with the strange, the unusual and the inexplicable.

I travelled the world some years back and with all the wonderful times I had, I still came home sad that I’d had nobody to share them with me. When I met and married my wife I deeply regretted not having waited so I could take her to see what I had seen, to visit the wonders and ordinariness of the world outside our normal one.

Last week I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a guest post about taking holidays together. He wrote me five. I decided to put them up this week.

Sometimes we travel not so much to be heading, but more to be leaving, somewhere. It may be our lives have been circumscribed by the humdrum, that our work has throttled our free nature or those around have become just to familiar.

A good way to deal with any of these is being able to get out and about, to jump on a train or get in your car, and head for places unknown. In such times, who needs (or even wants) a specific destination? Part of the adventure is just pointing the nose in a direction and seeing what comes.

Again, such a trip can be much better if it is being shared with someone who feels a similar need to breech the boundaries we find surrounding us in our daily lives. To be able to turn to someone and say ‘look at that’ and have them know just what it is about ‘that’ which caused your exclamation is to bond with that person in a way that can only come from shared experiences.

Going off on such a journey all alone can be a good time, but when one comes home and re-unites with the partner, there is a distance between what was experienced and what can be shared of it. That gap may or may not contribute to a personal distance between partners, but it certainly doesn’t promote closer togetherness.

So Split Enz had a good line, I think, in the ‘If you leave me, can I come too’ thought – they meant it a little differently but I think it is a very appropriate line for the idea of travelling with your partner.

Last week I asked Mr. JM if he would like to write a guest post about taking holidays together. He wrote me four. I decided to put them up this week.

Years back there was a song by Split Enz that went – ‘If you leave me, can I come too?’ It was amusing in content & a bit of a boppy tune, but then that was the Enz for you. But it brings up an interesting question – is it good to go places together and if so, why is it good.

Firstly, let’s assume your partner is not a total rev head who likes to race jets and will settles for anything else on the road when they aren’t near, so your travel with them is not so much the white knuckle, edge of life experience and is more a pleasant cruise with someone who knows how to stay out of the path of 22-wheelers.

Travelling with someone can be excruciating. You’re stuck in a confined space, sharing air and other gasses, so you’d better be sure this is someone with whom you want to be for a time. It can be dangerous hitchhiking once it all gets too much to bear.

It’s also a good idea to be reasonably confident you can listen to the same music for extended periods without thinking there’s fingernails on a blackboard in the cabin. If music tastes are different then maybe find an audio book or agree on a roster of music – talk radio can be a godsend but be aware that in about an hour you will be out of range of the normal FM stations you may like. Country radio can be an education – I’ve listened the miles away to people discussing the disposal of waste from dairies or talking about the impact of the Federal decision to de-regulate water controls.

Have you travelled much? Did you try it with your partner? Would you?

Hello everyone!

I’ve decided to hold a contest that will be a good thing for everyone. I don’t feel right just asking for help without offering something in return, so I figured a contest would be the perfect way to do things.

I write for a site called The Bloggers Guide, writing articles all about my beloved Melbourne and surrounds. Currently, they have a contest running for the six regional winners from around the world. (I’m standing for Australasia.)

I’m hoping to not only win the grand prize but to also have at least some of my entries become popular enough to be published in The Bloggers Guide to Melbourne book. I very much need your help.

What You Can Win

Like I said, I don’t feel quite right asking for your help and giving nothing in return. What I’m offering you is… drumroll… a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Campus Chronicles. (The one in the picture.)

Why this book? This recently published book just so happens to have a nonfiction story about a horror roommate of mine tucked in its pages.

I’m giving away three copies. If more than ten people enter, I will increase the number of copies to give away to five.

If you’re not keen on this book, just let me know and we’ll work something else out.

Winners of this (my) contest will be announced May 3rd.

How to Win

I very much hope you’ll go in and vote to help me, as it doesn’t take a lot of time and you don’t have to sign up to do so. However, there is no way to keep track of who voted. Because of that…

All you have to do is put up one post. Easy peasy. Just let your readers know what’s going on and that I’m looking for a little help from my friends (I’m going to get that song stuck in my head now). Put up a post with a little blurb, the links to where they can vote, and how they can also go in for a chance to win. (They must come back here to leave a link to their post to be entered.)

Where to Vote:

Go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/wbc and give five stars to The New Australian.

Go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/melbourne/the-new-australian and rate me at five stars again.

Lastly, go here: http://www.thebloggersguide.com/blogs/jmsilver That’s a list of all my blog entries. You can click on the “+” signs next to each entry.

Voting goes until May 1st, so be sure to check in often and cheer on The New Australian.

As always, thank you for your kindness and support.

Hello and welcome to the Friday Free-for-All!

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

(Remember to ask another question! It makes the game harder if people only answer them.)

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Money

Question: Do you think you make ‘enough’ money?

***IMPORTANT NOTE: To celebrate the upcoming 50th Love Question, I will be giving away an awesome prize from Jenera Healy Photography. Keep checking in to find out how you can win.***

It’s still over a month away, but I figure it’s a good thing to let you know early that there will be a contest happening….

We’re slowly drawing closer. I’m sure you are all probably boring of the anticipation, but I figure getting it out there early is the only way to let people know about the awesome prize…

~~~~

Last week we had guest Tim Kellis here on site talking about marriage on relationships. One of the things he talked about was whether soul mates and marriage are one in the same. Many people stepped forward to talk about their opinions as well as their relationships.

I was happy to see so many responses from people who knew they had found their soul mates. I’m happy to say that yes, I know Mr. JM is my soul mate and that I’ve known that for a long time. As crazy as it sounds, we talked once and I knew we had a connection unlike any connection I’d ever had with another human being…

Make sure you leave a link to your answer in the comments section and link to the sites featured with the questions.

If you do answer on your blog, please spread the link love and link to:

Aud from Mom.Dad.Chat
Abbey at Random Thoughts
Jenera at Just Me

And, of course, I always appreciate your links to me.

Don’t forget to leave me a link in the comments to your response.

Have fun!

Jenera wrote something last week on her blog that I felt the need to write about. She said:

“In my couple years of blogging I have managed to meet some great people. I have made friends and though I have not met any of them in person, I feel close enough to them to call them friends.

Some make fun of those of us who have online friends. I think they are jealous. One friend is states away and one is countries away. Yet I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet up with them in real life, it’d be like we were friends forever.”

People who haven’t made friends online just plain don’t understand the depth of connection you can have with someone who isn’t right there next to you. But, as I mention to Jenera, as someone who has social anxiety, online connections have been wonderful to me.

Many people argue that we’re only becoming friends with words on a screen, but just like we are more than our bodies, the words are more than words. The words convey meanings. Put together in certain ways, words mean certain things. But beyond that, the words also carry feelings.

That’s called empathy.

Have you ever read an email and thought, “I wonder what’s wrong with him/her? S/he sounds sad.” If words were just words, you wouldn’t possibly be able to derive that sort of conclusion unless the person had written “I am sad” or something similar.

I would be lost without my online friends, and I wouldn’t be here today if not for my husband (who I instantly connected to ‘just’ through words online). In fact, the people I know online have supported me ten times more than the friends I had growing up.

So if anyone ever tries to tell you that you can’t have that kind of connection online? You can tell them that you know at least one very happily married couple who met online.