Long Relationships

Today we have a special guest post. My husband decided to surprise me and sent this to me last night. Enjoy.

A Woman of My Own
By Mr. JM

With little success, I had spent my life wishing for and sometimes daydreaming of, finding a partner in life. I had a few expectations – she would be intelligent, we would be able to talk about many things and she would walk beside me; neither a pace behind nor a pace in front. The last was, of course, a metaphor for what kind of person she would be – I wanted neither meek ‘little woman’ nor rabid feminist for a wife, I wanted a true partner.

After years of trying, and failing, I gave up on the idea. I had tried too many times without success for me not to know that the problem was me. Too many women, of a whole range of types, had proved not to be my partner. The problem was in me; either I wasn’t suitable for the role for which I dearly wished, or I was choosing the wrong types. Either way, the ongoing hurt caused by multiple failures left me unable to contemplate continuing the search.

I spent some time coming to terms with this. I worked my way through the pain of realizing I was destined to be alone, forseeing the time when I would grow old, alone, and working on being able to accept that this was who I would be. I decided the one thing I would work on was to never become the old nutter up the road whom all kids feared.

Time passed and life moved on. I got involved with some writing on an internet site. That site kind of died a death and I found another. On the new site I found some troubled young people and I reached out to offer what help I could.

One in particular stood out when I ‘spoke’ to her. I found myself following her posts on the forums, intrigued by the way they seemed to show a ‘glow’ from her. I puzzled for some time over it as it seemed I was somehow getting more than I should from mere words on a screen.

She was troubled; life had not been easy nor had she found much in the way of support systems and I could sense her pain sometimes in the confusion she had about the world.

I reached out even though, in my own life, I was slowly recovering from a trauma of my own. I found I could talk to her as I had been able to talk to few people in my life. She was bright, articulate and intelligent. We were in love.

There is an age difference which, although it didn’t matter to her, concerned me a lot. I might have stepped away from involvement but for her being wiser than I. She was right, age was not a barrier unless we (read I) made it so.

I can’t say it was an easy path. The internet was the way we met and we were both pretty much the people we showed on the web, but there was another who gained our trust and then tried to mess with our heads. Almost she succeeded; almost we allowed her machinations to part us and hurt us and cause us to hurt each other. But we didn’t. Eventually we saw through the liar’s actions.

My woman was still in a troubled life. It got worse even as we grew closer. Plans we’d made to wait for particular milestones had to be scrapped and we made arrangements for her to come to Australia. I don’t recall ever having been so impressed as I was by her act of courage when she got on a plane to fly 12,000 miles to meet a man she knew only online.

Many people have crappy lives, many people live in pain or unhappiness, but how many will act in faith to the extent my love did? How many people will take their first flight, with all the knowledge that there are predators out there, to a place both alien and so far from anything they know, and knowing that there would be no easy path back home, nor probably a home to which they could return?

My wife is a person who doubts herself, who has fears which I will probably never understand fully, yet who trusts me, who needs me and who I am proud to have by my side. She is facing up to her past, making her present and building a path to a future she never thought could be hers.

I wanted a partner all those years and I finally found her. But I got so much more; I got someone to renew my life, to help me rebuild my hope and for whom I need to be a better person. I found love.

As I live and learn, it becomes more and more apparent that nearly everything in life has an ebb and flow. We wake, we sleep. We’re happy, we’re sad. Even in marriage there are times when we can’t get enough of each other’s presence and then there are times when every other move seems to be the wrong one.

While I may personally hate the times when it seems like I just can’t make the right moves around my husband, I realize it is all part of life. Being with someone constantly – especially if you both have previously lived by yourselves – is bound to cause some annoyance here and there.

When I was growing up, I heard a statistic that said most divorces happen in the first three years of marriage. That’s when the couple is realizing the full extent of the commitment they have made. They could be moving in together (though that happens more often before marriage these days). They’re noticing the little things if they haven’t noticed them before marriage.

Thus the ebb and flow. It’s when the negative, annoyed times are happening more than the happy times that things can start spelling real trouble.

I try to surf out these times as best I can by remembering a few rules:

1. Some things are better left unsaid. (No matter how much I may want to say them.)
2. Apologizing, even when you don’t particularly ‘feel’ like it, can go a long way in smoothing things over.
3. Don’t pour lemon juice on a paper cut. Otherwise known as: ‘I told you so’ might be on the tip of your tongue, but maybe [read number one].
4. Most importantly, respect your partner’s space. Even if you feel like it’s a canyon, sometimes we all need our own space. Learn to recognize those times and be patient.

Now I just need to work on remembering these rules in the moments when I munch on foot…

It’s that time again, and I’m feeling a bit mischievous, so I’m giving you what I hope will be a fun theme…

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Food

Question: Have you ever used food in your bedroom play?

JM: My, my, Oedipus, we have a strange question this week from Short Sweet Love Poems.
Oedipus: What’s so strange about it?
JM: Being attracted to your partner because they have features similar to your opposite sex pa…rent… Oh.
Oedipus: What?

This week’s question:

Recently, I read an article which states that Hungarian scientists found that we tend to end up with mates that resemble our opposite-sex parent. Dividing the face into various facial zones, the researches discovered similarities between a woman’s partner and her dad as well as between a man’s mate and his mom. Of course, they won’t look exactly alike but the point is there are similarities in certain features or facial zones.

Does your partner looks like your opposite-sex parent in any way? Which particular part of the face are the features similar, if any?

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be with a man who was taller than me. I didn’t much care about the rest of it – though I had my preferences like anyone else – but he had to be taller than me. That didn’t change as I slowly grew and eventually got to being as tall (I think a bit taller) than my father.

Even though we met on the net, I got my wish with my husband and much more. He’s not like my father at all. He’s tall, athletic, with green-blue eyes (they switch on any given day), and sandy hair. My father is short (for a guy), stocky, kind of just a tank of a man without being all that overweight, with dark hair.

So no go with this one, I’m afraid.

That being said, it’s entirely possible that my ‘father’ isn’t actually my biological father. It would be interesting to find out.

How about you and your partner?

Woohoo! I do love blog awards. Haha. This one comes from the lovely Eaton Bennett who writes over at Passionate Fiction. Eaton and I have known each other since not long after I began writing for this site. It’s a pleasure to receive an award from her.

This award is in Portuguese so the translation is below.

“This blog invests and believes, in ‘proximity’ [meaning, that blogging makes us 'close' - being close through proxy] How awesome is that?

Then let’s try to give more attention to them! So with this prize we must deliver it to eight bloggers that in turn must make the same thing and put this text.”

It’s my pleasure to pass this award on to…

*Randi from If You Can’t Say Something Nice… She is a fellow 451 blogger and we met that way. We hit it off right away and she is always ‘no holds barred, no subject too sacred’ on her blog.

*Jenera from Just Me. I don’t even remember how we met, but I feel ‘close’ to her life through her blog and she has been a great friend.

*Emma at Treehouse Jukebox.

*Aud from the Short Sweet Love Poems blog. There’s nothing like a meme to make people ‘closer’.

*Katrinastonoff from Stone Soup.

*Ms. Calliope on CelticAngel who has a sense of humor I find very interesting and was the first person to send me a care package when I moved to Australia.

*Susan at West of Mars. Susan has been an awesome part of my world since she first stepped into it.

So there you have it. That only makes seven, but I like to be different sometimes. (Plus, I’m really tired and my brain isn’t functioning enough to thinking of other friends for this award who have blogs.)

Ladies, I hope you enjoy your awards.

You can thank my husband for this one…

These are Politically Correct words I can live with….

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

And finally…

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Send this to a man who needs a laugh and a woman with a sense of humor.

I have a friend I have known for a few years now. He’s younger than me by a couple years, and we email each other regularly. While I care about him in the friendship sense and like talking to him, there are many times he drives me absolutely bonkers.

Why? His views on relationships.

You see, this young man – Adam – is your typical unmotivated teenager who isn’t quite sure why he’s here and what he wants to do with his life. That’s all fine and good – plenty of people twice his age have no idea what they want to do what their lives – except for one crucial point: He is of the opinion that a relationship will be the catalyst that makes his life better.

Are you rolling your eyes or shaking your head yet?

I don’t have a degree in psychology – didn’t quite finish all my courses for that – nor am I any sort of relationship guru, but if I have learned one thing about relationships, it’s that you need to change yourself – no one is going to do it for you.

One of my biggest things to get past in my relationship with my husband was the fact that I could not control his happiness (or sadness for that matter). I could certainly contribute and make his life easier, but I could in no way ‘make’ him get past issues he had before we met. Nor could he magic away all my past issues.

So, having learned this hard lesson, it makes me sad to see someone hinging his happiness on whether or not he gets a relationship. Even if he does find a lovely lady and the rosy glow makes things happy again, if it’s to be a significant relationship, his previous problems will all show through sooner or later.

Alas, he has to learn this lesson on his own, as he tends to ‘smile and nod’ away whatever I tell him…

Such as life.

Another Friday, another weekend to come (thank goodness for that!), and another Friday Free-for-All…

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Lessons

Question: What is the strongest lesson in love (any kind of love, not just romantic) that you have learned in your life?

Once again, I am late with this one. But then again, I don’t think anyone is really paying THAT much attention (are you?) to the dates I post things on. I’ve been flat out (still – never really stopped) and am starting to go into a bit of a panic mode because next week is my last full week to get work and such done before I am off and travelling. Ack. There’s never enough time to do everything.

But enough with my complaining. It’s time for Love Question 21:

“Albert Camus once said, “Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never.” I think many people can certainly relate to this rule - that it is hard to be mates with your ex.

For this week’s Love Q #21, let’s take a look at this issue: Is it advisable to maintain a great friendship with an ex? Would that friendship be worth it or would it complicates matters?”

Talk about your loaded questions…

This one is completely situational. Absolutely and completely. I don’t think a blanket answer could begin to do this one justice.

There are so many factors to consider like: How does the new partner feel about it? Does the ex still have feelings for the partner? Does the partner – whether s/he realizes it or not – still have feelings for the ex? How intense is the friendship – the occasional phone call might be fine but stopping by for a Friday movie night might now be. And there is plenty more to consider beyond that.

Personally, I would never force my husband to end a friendship. I would present my side of things, explain where I’m coming from, and then leave it to him. He’s a bit of an oblivious bloke when it comes to women’s attentions, though, so I would make it very, very clear how I felt.

What do you think?

It is a beautiful spring Friday here in Australia and I am loving it! What more could you ask for after a long, cold, dreary winter?

Friday also means it’s time for my favourite discussion game.

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Exes

Question: How many exes do you have?

I am a bit stunned that we are already on question twenty for the Love Questions from Short, Sweet Love Poems. Am I the only one who feels like 2008 is going by fast?

Anywho, we have an interesting and potentially fun question to answer this week, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Different people tend to have different attractions and turn-offs when it comes to the dating game. For example, when we are meeting someone new, we all focus on different things such as the looks, eyes, figure, legs, clothes or the way the person talks or walks to form an opinion on him or her.

What are the things that you tend to focus on when it comes to sizing up a potential mate during that crucial first encounter?

This one is a bit tricky, given I met my husband on the internet, but I’ll try to cover it from all angles.

The very first things I used to notice when I met a potential mate in person were the eyes, the smile, and the laugh. I just plain have a thing for eyes, and the smile and laugh were important in judging how easygoing and what kind of sense of humor a man had. After that, it was the little things – did he go too fast, did he listen as much as he talked, was he a slob or overly neat.

The first thing I noticed about my husband – and that I noticed in potential online romances before him – was the command of the English language. I was instantly attracted to how much my husband’s sense of humor was wrapped up in wordplay and how we could connect over intelligent conversation. He also had enough respect of me and others not to drop into “n3t sp33k”.

When I met my husband physically for the first time, I pretty much notice ‘the whole package’. I noticed that he was tall (yum), was hygienic, had awesome, awesome hair, very sexy blue/green eyes… True, I was already in love with him, but still.

How about you?

I don’t think anything scares me quite like my husband getting sick. He came home early the other day, which is always a fun surprise, but he had a bit of a tickle in his throat. I wasn’t too worried at that point, as a tickle could have just meant he swallowed something wrong at lunch. But, because it had been a long day and he had the weird throat thing, we decided to go to the pub.

(Nothing will knock a flu out of your body faster than Stones green ginger wine with a bit of whiskey mixed in. I call it The FluBuster.)

So we went to the pub and not much time had passed before Mr. JM started looking uncomfortable. Then a bit out of it. Then obviously in pain. We decided to call it a night and walked back home.

What is usually a ten to fifteen minute walk turned into twenty or thirty. (I wasn’t checking the clock.) Mr. JM was having a hard time doing anything but concentrating on walking and breathing at the same time. By the time we got home, he had consented to taking a hot bath (something he has never done while we’ve had a relationship) and wouldn’t eat. Those two things terrified me.

The bath helped, but he wasn’t long out of it before he started looking worse off again. He had a high temp as well, so I sent him to bed.

Skipping over the rest of the details, it’s now a few days later and he’s almost back to normal. He tires pretty easily still and has a bit of pain, but that’s about it. We don’t have any idea what happened, but he’s feeling better and that’s what counts in my books.

The whole thing was a very scary experience for me (that sounds a bit self-centered, but it is the point of this post) because it swiftly brought into light the fact I can’t drive a manual, I had to think about who I would call in case of a huge emergency (besides the ambulance), and there was the basic threat of the unknown to someone I love.

Have you ever had a moment or incident that made you truly think about your relationship and how much your SO means to you?

Another September Monday morning brings another pathetic attempt by Melbourne at giving us a sunny spring day. Then again, Melbourne does like to tease us by making us think the weather is going to be one thing in the morning and changing her mind about four times before settling down for the evening weather.

Cloudy grey days (even preceded by a partly sunny morning) tend to make me a bit moody and introspective. I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘A Matter of Age’ series since I put it up.

I’m not happy on admitting this, but as a writer I have to accept when my writing is sub-par so I can work on improving it.

I didn’t do a good job with talking about the topic. I am so close to it personally and sensitive to judgments from others, and that overruled my natural writing abilities and instincts. I didn’t take enough time to truly think about the topic and what really wanted to say.

For that, I apologize to my readers. You deserve better than that, and I usually hold myself to higher standards.

At this point, I am grateful for the discussion that was able to rise out of those posts. I think I could have made it easier to talk about, but I think that’s enough of the woulda, coulda, shouldas, don’t you?

I’m going to leave the topic alone at this point and perhaps come back to it at the future. Now I’m going to focus on waking up the professional part of me that apparently fell asleep last week and get back to myself.

Hello and thank all that is good that it’s Friday! I am so ready for it to be the weekend now. So very, very ready. How about you?

Friday means not only the weekend, but also it’s time for

Inspired by the Weekend Soiree over at Wifely Steps (and pretty much using her idea, to be honest, but you can go over there and play on her site as well!), we’re going to have a bit of conversation here on site. I’ll be responding when and where I can, but it would be great for the readers to respond to each other as well.

If you make a comment and it doesn’t show up, let me know using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description on the right. That way, as soon as I see the email I can rescue it from the depths of the spam filter. But, seeing as the spam filter is no longer regarding me as spam, I’m hoping none of you will have any problem.

The way the game works is this:

I pick a theme that we’ll be talking about and will start off things with a question. The first person to come along will then answer that question and ask another question still relating to the theme.

Eg. The theme is peanut butter. I ask, “Do you like peanut butter?” Someone answers and at the end of the comment asks, “When was the first time you tried peanut butter?” So on and so forth.

Easy? Yes, I thought so. Which brings me to the theme and the question for this week:

Theme: Family

Question: Do you get along with your family?

Why don’t we take a break from discussing ages and answer this week’s Love Question from Short Sweet Love Poems?

As always, feel free to discuss in the comments and/or link to your blog where you have answered the question.

In a relationship, there are bound to be areas that are sore points for both people. For instance, your partner may not take your views on his family too kindly and on the other hand, you may not like him bringing up a past incident in your life.

For Love Q #19: Do you think avoiding a touchy topic helps or hinders a relationship?

This is another one of those where the line is drawn in different places for different couples. In general, though, I think it depends on the topic, how it got to be a touchy topic and how direct of an influence it has on a relationship.

For instance, take the topic of having children. That can have a huge influence on the relationship and could severely hinder things if left alone for the sake of keeping the peace. However, if you both agree on the having/not having children but it got to be a pushy topic because one partner natters on about it endlessly, then the partner in question would be doing the relationship a favor by stepping off it for a while.

I hope I’m making sense.

In the end, it all depends on the circumstances. In the past I would have said that you need to talk about as much as you can, but I have since learned the value of leaving well enough alone to keep the peace when discussion doesn’t solve anything.