Long Relationships

I was wondering when the topic of money was going to come up…

From Short Sweet Love Poems…

Let’s talk about money this week, shall we?

There are certainly pros and cons to this issue. For instance, if you pool your money together, you are taking steps to save for the future. On the other hand, if you have separate accounts, there is not much pressure to account for money spent which may be better for the relationship as a whole.

For Love Q #14, let me pose this: Should you have a joint account with your partner? And should you keep tabs on what he or she may be spending on?

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in a relationship to have a joint account with your partner. I do with my partner in part because we needed ways to prove that I was really here for good in my Spousal Visa application. It’s also convenient in that our shared account is our shared expenses account – like groceries. I can pick things up, he can, or we can.

I think what is important is not to have *only* a joint account. You need to have your own personal account as well for freedom and a sense of privacy.

I don’t think you should keep tabs, but that’s a matter of trust in the relationship. My husband trusts me to pay my bills (student loan, medical) with what I earn. I trust my husband to pay our household bills with what he earns. The rest goes in our shared account, and a little bit to each of our personal accounts.

Keeping tabs is, I think, a way of saying you don’t trust the person. And if you can’t be open and honest even along the lines of, “I use about $__ a month just for comfort stuff for me” and be open for discussion, then something is wrong there.

Yesterday I had a ‘need to get out of the house’ day which involved me wandering around various parts of town and doing a lot of window shopping/pointless meandering. At a certain part of town, there is a craft shop that I always see the sign for and never go in – despite being a bit of a crafty person.

I decided it was long past time I go in there and I did so.

It turns out that the owner of the shop likes to talk. A lot. After introducing myself and him picking me out as an American – Aussies treat ‘name that accent’ like a game, almost – he asked me what brought me over to this fine continent. I told him my Aussie bloke and he immediately said, “You met on the internet, didn’t you?”

Now this guy was a ‘good ol’ Aussie bloke’ with a few years on him. The fact that he jumped right to an internet meet-up is something I take as a sign of the times.

Though it is still regarded with a bit of resistance from a lot of areas, online romances are becoming a lot more popular. And it’s no wonder why. With more people looking to ‘expand their possibilities’, the internet is the natural place to look.

Now, I’ve written about online romance before, but I couldn’t help but touch on it again after this guy’s reaction. Now, I asked you before about your personal experiences with online romance. Today I’d like to throw out a bit broader spectrum.

How many people do you know have had romances online? Of those, how many are currently in an online romance? How many have met the other person? How many have/are in an international romance? What countries?

Tell me your online romance stories.

As I’ve mentioned before, last week I was working on a huge project that pretty much had me exhausted by the time I finally went to bed at night. As you can imagine, all that time with me working away left my husband to pick up the slack of responsibility that I usually take care of.

I knew that things were wearing on him like they were on me, and as he climbed into bed the other night, I could tell something was wrong. I decided it was way past time for a ‘check in’ so, even though we were both tired, I prodded him a bit about how he was feeling.

After a while of sliding around the issue, he said, “Well, when you went to bed, you didn’t turn everything off. The heater, the lights, the television. You left it all for me to take care of.”

I felt bad for doing that and apologized, explaining that my head was so stuffy and fuzzy from being tired that I just didn’t think. Usually my apology makes him feel better because he’ll know I’ll work on my behavior. But instead of saying that he understood, he said:

“Yes, but if you were living alone, would you have left all those things on?”

I paused for a moment and all I could think of to say was, “Touche.”

Now, I have always been a person who tries to make sure not to take things for granted, so hearing that from him came as a bit of a blow, to say the least. I know he didn’t mean it to hurt me whatsoever, but it was his way of letting me know that I was taking him for granted.

I’ve since been doing things to let him know how much I appreciate him as well as being conscious of taking care of things that I can do myself instead of just expecting him to do them.

Do you take your partner for granted? Even if it’s just with things like turning off the lights or doing the laundry?

It’s hard to believe that I have been writing for this site going on a year now. The anniversary of my first post is still a couple months away, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it has been that long.

I regard my writing for this site like I regard many of my relationships: I went in thinking I knew quite a bit and I’ve changed a lot for the better as time as passed. While I admit to having fun writing about today’s couple and sex, I have even more fun hearing the stories about your relationships.

Recently I tested out the Skribit add-on which basically lets the readers suggest content for the blog owners. I tried it on a few of my sites and was pretty much met with a collective yawn from my readers. Which I could take to mean that I’m totally fabulous and cover everything that could possibly be covered by relationships…

…but I won’t.

The one suggestion for a topic I did get was, “Do you have writer’s block?” I thought it only appropriate to answer.

Yes and no.

Because I, like you, work for a living – even if I happen to do so from home – I occasionally get exhausted with the day to day of things. Lately I have been working my ample rear end off on a work project not related to this site, and I’ve found writing for all my blogs hasn’t been the easiest of tasks.

However, the no comes in where it’s not that I don’t know what to write about most of the time – it’s that I like to know what you want to read about. It’s all fine and well for me to go off about the influence of your parents’ relationship on your own, you might be interested in the relationships of celebrities, relationships and astrology, or non-romantic relationships.

So, if it seems like I ask often what you would like to read here, it’s not because I’m trying to grab ideas from you; I’m just trying to give you content that you would like to read.

This past week I have been working on a massive work thing that pretty much had me working from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep (usually late at night most nights). Because of this, cleaning has fallen behind, I haven’t been cooking dinner at all, and I have spent most of my time on the computer ignoring him.

If there was ever a time my husband deserved a love letter, it’s now.

Dear love of mine,

You’ve done well this week and I’m proud of you. I suppose it’s a weird thing to be proud of you for, but you have tolerated my cranky days, my pretty much refusal to cook anything or do any housework because I have been working, and all the rest better than I would have.

I love you so much for understanding how important it is to me to also earn money for us. How important it is to me to help out footing the bills and such. Thank you for picking up my slack this past week, even though you had plenty going on at your own job and would have been very happy to not have to deal with any of that stuff.

I won’t forget everything you’ve done for me, both this week and in our whole relationship. I appreciate you every day and I’ll never forget to show you how much I love you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you’ve done this past week.

You can look forward to a lovely week this week. I promise.

Love always,

JM

We have another good question this week from Short Sweet Love Poems that could get a bit interesting…

When we first start out on a relationship, we will usually try to look our best. We will think a little (or a lot) of what to wear, which perfume to put on and so on. After a while, though, when the excitement has died down and we start to get comfortable in the relationship, many tend to slack on their appearance.

Which brings me to Love Q #13:

Does appearance matter in a relationship? Should you always try to look your best for your date?

This is a fun one. I reckon that on the first date, you should go somewhere that you’ll get really messy. Paintballing, four-wheeling, etc. It breaks the ice quite nicely, getting down and dirty (not in a naughty way) on the first date.

That being said, appearances to matter to a certain extent. While I think constant ‘flawlessness’ is a bit much to expect of anyone (and could border on an obsessive compulsive disorder), I also think that your appearance tells other people how much you care about yourself.

No one wants to be with someone with really bad hygiene and neither does anybody want to be with people who don’t care about themselves in general. If you can’t muster up the energy to care about yourself, can you really maintain a healthy relationship?

I’d love to hear what you think. Leave your comments here or leave me a link to your blog where you answered the question.

Have a great day!

A few nights ago, my husband and I sat down at the pub and our conversation wandered to the marital problems a friend of mine is/was having with her husband. She had mentioned to me that she was shocked when her husband told her that he feels inferior to her.

I wasn’t shocked at all, given that she’s a very strong, independent woman (and raised by a single mother as well). She’s used to doing things on her own and doing whatever is needed to get things done. She’s used to taking care of herself and others and isn’t used to relying on others.

I went on to tell my husband, and he agreed, that a lot of the conflict between her and her husband was probably stemming from the fact that she wasn’t letting him be ‘the man’. She takes care of the children, feeds them, clothes them, cleans the house, works, and does all sorts of things. When he tries to be assertive and put his foot down, it usually has to correspond to her terms anyway, so it takes away whatever good ego he could gain.

My husband then said, “It’s difficult for men in this day and age. Women and their roles have changed dramatically over the past decades. There are groups, support networks, and even laws that have helped women to change. That’s not a bad thing, but where are all the men’s groups to help them deal with and change along with them? There are none. Or, if there are, guys don’t want to go because we don’t like sharing our feelings.”

What I consider to be the most valuable pieces of advice I have learned when it comes to relationships is this: Let your man open the pickle jar every once in a while.

Basically, let a man truly be a man every once in a while. Let him pull out your chair, open the pickle jar, mow the lawn, do something for you to remind him that he’s male, masculine.

However, I know that there are women out there who would be furious to read such a thing from a modern woman. Heaven forbid the vice versa – let a woman be a woman and not feel guilty for feeling delicate or wanting help fixing something – be uttered.

What do you think? Do you think men and women still need ‘roles’ or do you think we have moved above and beyond that? Has political correctness been taken too far in relationships, too?

My husband and I have enough years between us that we occasionally get looks from people. It doesn’t happen all the time and it’s very rarely an unpleasant look, but we do like to joke about when we get ‘the look’ from other people. When I’m in a mischievous mood, I make sure to kiss my husband while the person/people in question is/are looking.

In general, I like kissing and cuddling with my husband no matter where we are. I make sure to not do those sorts of things when I’m volunteering where he works, but otherwise I don’t much care. Our friends sometimes tease us a bit about it, but we’ve never had any real complaints.

However, there is a point where too much is too much. I don’t think there will ever be a point in my life when I think making out in public is okay. Kissing, okay. Making out (lip locked for five seconds or more, by my definition), not so okay. It’s not something I would want to watch, so it’s not something I do.

Most couples I see keep it to holding hands, hugs, and quick little kisses. That’s perfectly fine with me. People should be able to express affection in at least a moderate way even if they are in public. But I’ve seen the downright ‘ugh’ moments of a couple (usually teens) not only making out but feeling each other up as well.

That doesn’t fly so much with me.

Where do you draw the line? What’s acceptable in public and what isn’t?

Short Sweet Love Poems has thrown quite the interesting one at us this week in her Love Questions series, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

Nowadays, having extra-marital affairs is not something uncommon. Many people get involved with a third party at some point in their relationship and they would try to hide the affair from their partner.

If you have cheated on your partner, would you confess? But if you are the one being cheated upon, would you prefer your partner to tell or not to tell?

Telling may hurt someone you care about, but if you cared that much about hurting that person’s feelings in the first place, you probably wouldn’t have cheated.

Okay, that’s a bit rough and I apologize. However, I believe that you should be honest even if you have ‘gotten away’ with it. The thing is that even if your partner doesn’t know that you cheated, it’s more than likely s/he suspects something is ‘off’. And it’s that feeling of ‘off’ that will bring you troubles later.

So, would you rather your partner hear it from you sooner? Or would you rather things reach critical mass sometime down the road and s/he possibly hears it from someone else? We very often accuse and condemn people for what we ourselves are guilty of, so do you really think you can control your subconscious so completely?

I would want my partner to tell me. Even facing the hurt and anguish of being cheated on is better than not knowing what it is that is ‘off’ and causing friction in the relationship.

What do you think?

It seems the fun isn’t quite yet over at 451 headquarters.

451 management recently purchased all kinds of new equipment and is in the process of switching everything over to those new systems. As you can imagine, doing all that isn’t easy and comes with its own hiccups.

I’ve been told that the blogs shouldn’t experience a lot of down time, but you can expect hiccups, burps, and maybe even the occasional fart in the next few days. Be assured that everything will still be puttering along and you should definitely come back!

I promise you that we are just as tired as you when it comes to the sites’ down time. Hopefully everything will be switched over by the end of this week and next week we will be running back to normal next week. (Or maybe even starting this weekend…)

Again, I’m so, so sorry for the down time. I know that, even when it’s out of your hands, a blog having down time can reflect negatively on the blogger. I have some interesting things coming up in the future, though, so I hope that is enough to keep you coming back.

And, just to keep you entertained while things are getting taken care of (not that I think you can’t entertain yourselves), here is the link to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along blog. There is a lot of fun to be had and the final installment is coming soon!

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Be well and have a fantastic rest of the week.

Hello all. Today I have decided to not only test out Skribit but to give you the chance to have a bit more say about the things you would like to see more of on this site. I’m going to leave this up for at least all of Wednesday (today), so feel free to suggest for all sorts of things, vote for them, etc.

I’m not completely sure this is going to work the way I’d like it to, so if you encounter any problems, leave a comment. If I take this post down, don’t worry - I’ll read all the suggestions first. Let me know if you think having this suggestion box here is useful or not. (I think it will be useful, but hey, you never know, and I do like getting my readers’ opinions.)

Have an excellent day.

Last week for Love Question Eleven, we talked about how open and honest you should be when it comes to your past relationships. While the general consensus was that honesty is good, but detailed specifics are uncalled for, it got me thinking about honesty in the other areas of relationships…

We’re all aware of little white lies and what they are. From telling someone yes, the apple pie really did taste great (when it wasn’t great at all), to not having the heart to tell someone quite how bad their latest haircut is, I think most of us have told at least one white lie in our time.

But how many have you told to your partner? Do you think it’s a good, bad, or neutral thing to do so?

I think when it comes to my partner and me, the most frequent lie is the lie by omission. We hate hurting each other and thus we tend to not say anything when something comes up. While this is okay for minor annoyances that are forgotten a minute later, we have gotten ourselves in trouble a time or two because of it.

We’re working on it, though, and are finding our own happy medium between complete and utter honesty and omission.

While I personally would tell my husband if his apple pie wasn’t so great, I know people who would tell a white lie with no hesitation and have no qualms about doing so.

Where do you draw the line in your relationship? Do you think it helps or hinders? Have you ever been caught in a white lie or caught your partner in one?

We have another interesting question this week from Short Sweet Love Poems…

Some people go by the saying that honesty is the best policy. So, they would rather reveal everything to their partner upfront, including details of their past relationships.

Would you want your partner to know how many people you have slept with in the past? Or how you have cheated on someone you once dated, for example? So, talking about your past relationships to your current partner can indeed be a difficult issue.

On to Love Q #11:

How frank should you be with your partner when it comes to your past relationships? How much of the details should you reveal?

This can be a bit tricky depending on the relationship and the questions asked. Obviously, it’s not exactly comfortable to have your partner asking, “What did you like best about sex with so and so?�? Then again, I see no reason to lie about how many people you’ve slept with. (As long as someone isn’t asking you about it on the first date.)

Overall, I’m more on the side of honesty is best, but that’s in part because my partner is honest with me when I have questions. We also both know that we can trust each other not to hold our past against each other.

Then again, if you’re with someone who is going to hold your past against you, then maybe you shouldn’t be with that person in the first place.

But yes, if the questions don’t get too ridiculous and don’t make you uncomfortable, there’s no reason to lie.

What do you think?

Today, on one of the major Boomer Women Forums there was this lengthy discussion about dating. I don’t know if they all drank from the same well or bit into the same apple but the negativity ran rampant.

After reading post after post bashing men and sex I was truly disgusted. I would have let that slide, but just before I had the chance to sign off, a member, a mental health professional no less, had the nerve to post a long piece, pummeling love into a useless drivel. I felt my head exploding, I could no longer contain myself. Here is my answer, let me know if you agree or if you think I was off base.

My post:

Are you all for real? Never have women over 50 be so sexually active as right now! Where do you think the term ‘cougar’ originated from? The jungle? Yeah, the sexual jungle, undress accordingly.

I have a book, came out in May 2008 from Dorchester, Boomer Babes - True Tales of Love and Lust in The Later Years - as a matter of fact, the publisher sent a copy to this site for review, I also wrote an article on dating for Boomers, it must be buried somewhere around this web site, and I offered to do a teleseminar for all interested members.

Why? Because every time I do a book signing, the place is packed with single Boomer Babes, and the occasional brave man. The subject? Men! What makes my day is when some woman from the audience and the occasional man, exchange phone numbers.

If I could get a match for every book signing I’ll be a very happy writer. Love is a very important part of our life, love is ageless, love makes everything better. Am I passionate about it? You bet! I hope it’s okay to enter my web site, www.boomerbabesbook.com, check me out, I practice what I preach.

Ladies, do remember, even if boomers did not invent love, they did bring the art of loving to a new level, can you think of any other generation that openly acknowledges, better yet, openly embraces sex over fifty? And over sixty? It was on our watch that the birth control pill came to pass, and later, still on our watch, Viagra changed the way we view sex. Okay, I’m done, sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I’m signing out, wishing you love, and sex, not necessarily in that order.

Maria Grazia Swan

I have a girlfriend who has been married for like—forever. You noticed that I didn’t say; ‘happily married’ or ‘unhappily married’. No, plain ‘married’ is the most appropriated description.

We are very good friends and like all good friends we call each other often and spend hours on the phone. I can tell her mood by her ‘hello.�? I bet she can tell mine. Because I’m single, my moods are less mercurial and possibly more predictable than hers. I mean; I live alone, have no pets, my plants don’t talk back, and my neighbors are all pleasant and living very busy lives.

When I listen to her, recounting some of her problems ordinary or not, I feel blessed in my state of singleness. I promise myself never to get caught in the; “I do�? trap. Not that my friend complains or anything, she talks about her daily happenings and I talk about mine.

Of course, there is the other side of the coin, when the stars and the planets align, her husbands gets home early, the dinner turns out simply scrumptious, their favorite shows is on tonight, and the scent of the roses she grows in her garden floats through the open window while they make earth shattering love by moonlight… Okay, I made up the part about the open window.

We don’t discuss the details of our sex life. No need to. When I hear the dreamy tone of her voice, her impromptu giggling for no apparent reason, at the most inappropriate moment, I know she experienced Love and Lust with a capital L.

Hey, sometime I get lucky and get the capital L part of the experience while still skipping the “I do�? part. One time, I asked her if the good times outnumbered the bad ones. Was that the secret to her long lasting relationship?

“Committed relationships aren’t about keeping score,�? she said, “love is about giving and taking, sharing and compromising. Meeting half way, willing to do what’s best for the one you love, regardless of what you get in return. Obviously if my needs weren’t met I wouldn’t be in this relationship, it works both ways.�?

At first it sounded to me like sour grapes, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. That was a well-balanced view of love. It lingered in my mind, like a catchy tune whose words you can’t remember yet you can’t stop humming it.

All things considered, it made a lot of sense. So much sense that I thought it would be interesting if there was a questionnaire on the subject, sort of a test couples would have to take before getting a marriage license. Flunk the test? Forget the license, it’s straight to couples’ therapy baby!

I have this mental picture of horny young men, pregnant young girls, older couples with walkers, shouting and pushing, trying to get to those public servants who won’t let them marry. And how about the divorce lawyers? They’ll be there in throngs, inciting the mob, passing out free sodas and taser-guns.

Dream on, that would make way too much sense. Until someone comes up with something to weed out bad relationships before they go too far, I’ll stick to my original plan, never say; “I do.�?

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)