Long Relationships

Relationship Magic invites you on a journey that moves away from childhood habits of reacting and moves towards gaining control of your personal power. Enjoy the tale of Prince James and Princess Cinda while you learn the basics of Imago Relationship Therapy. This couple, and their mentor, teach you how to be your own best friend rather than your worst enemy.

Being married just over a year and having everything still going very well, I wasn’t sure how I would react to a relationship book. However, I decided to go in with an open mind, and I’m glad I did.

Relationship Magic takes you through the lives of Prince James and Princess Cinda as they work through their issues and try to rebuild their crumbling marriage. While the reader (as I did) may at first feel ‘talked down’ to when having the subject of a deteriorating marriage put into a fairy-tale-esque type story, it makes the story easier to get into and the messages the author wants to get across easier to understand.

I was surprised to find myself so easily drawn into the relationship of the characters and applying it to my own relationship. Some lessons weren’t of interest to me, but I could see current behaviours of mine and childhood traumas that could easily lead to some of the problems James and Cinda were facing.

In the back of the book, there are also sections to help you get started with your own ‘relationship magic’ as well as a section for all the questions posed previously in the book.

I definitely recommend this book whether you ‘need’ relationship help or not. My husband and I don’t, but I still found things in the book that I could apply to my marriage and think about.

Hello and happy Thursday everyone! (It’s almost Friday. It’s almost Friday…)

Short Sweet Love Poems has provided another interesting prompt into the world of love, relationships and dating. As always, if you decide to participate, leave comments here or leave a link to where you have answered the question.

On to the question!

When you decide to go on a first date with another person, you would naturally have certain expectations of him or her. And if the person fails to meet those expectations, that might well end up as a turn-off and there certainly won’t be a second date to come.

Some people find being late is a huge turn-off. Others can’t stand their dates chatting on the cell phone, leaving them waiting for the conversation to end. Talking about an ex in detail is also a big no-no to many.

So, for Love Q #8, let’s share this: What would turn you off when it comes to the first date?

Is it bad it feels like ages since I’ve gone on my first date? To be honest, I haven’t ever had a first date. There was a kind of one, but not really.

Anyway, enough about me.

As far as annoyances go, the biggest complaint from first dates would be the date who only talks about “me, me, me�?. First dates happen because you’re getting to know each other. Both people.

I’d like to add on another one, though. Someone who tries too hard. It’s the first date, not your final exams. Relax, talk to me, have fun, flirt a little… Don’t have a fit if there is something imperfect about the night and definitely don’t try to make me fall desperately in love on the first date. (It isn’t going to happen Casanova.)

What do you think?

Hello everyone!

As you have all probably well and truly noticed by now, 451press blogs have been having a few… problems lately. The sites take a long time to load sometimes and it’s not always easy to comment.

I want to apologize for all the problems and let you know that you aren’t the only ones having difficulties. It’s not just you, not just your computer. Even we bloggers are having difficulties just posting.

Why is it happening? Well, going by the amount of spam comments I have to clean off my sites every day, I think being attacked by one or more spam monsters is driving our servers down into the dumps a bit. Day in and day out of offers to increase the size of your man parts and show you free cartoon porn would do that do anyone, I think.

Hopefully we’ll have everything sorted out very soon and will be back up and running normally soon.

Always remember that you can feel free to contact me using the ‘contact me’ button under the site description. I’m not sure if anything would be so urgent that you would need to let me know, but hey, I’m always up for a casual chat as well.

Please bear with me as all this stuff is happening. It’s not fun for any of us and we certainly don’t like it when our readers are unhappy.

And, just to occupy your time, here is a link to one of my favourite web comics:

Questionable Content

Yesterday I talked about one of the things I love about my husband is the fact that he’s always ‘real’ with people, no matter who they are. He doesn’t change because someone is poor or rich or female or male… He is who he is – the man I love. Unlike me, who doesn’t have ‘masks’ per se, but I do act differently around different people.

This got me thinking about whether or not it’s easier for guys to be ‘real’ than it is for women.

We have all heard countless reports and studies about social pressures for women, how women are treated differently, so on and so forth. But does that mean ‘being yourself’ comes easier for men than it does for women? Do guys have an easier time being comfortable with themselves?

Is it just a guy thing?

I’m inclined to think not. My marriage started out as an internet romance, and I think part of the reason it continued on successfully through the transition from online to physical reality is because my husband and I were always ‘real’ with each other. We didn’t do the ‘masks’ thing and we never tried to be anything that we weren’t.

I also know that, strangely enough, I am more comfortable with myself and who I am than my husband is, despite the fact that he’s more himself more of the time than I am.

What do you think? Do men have just as many masks as women or is it easier for men to be ‘real’ all the time?

Last night, the man and I went to bed early to get some cuddle and conversation time, which I always love. After a while of talking about this and that, we were quiet for a bit and I thought.

Then I said, “You know what I love about you? You’re real. You’re you. You’re always you to everyone, no matter who it is.�?

After pondering that for a bit, he wasn’t quite sure that was a good thing or not, so I went on to explain: “You’re real means that you’re not the kind of person to put on ‘faces’ for other people. You are who you are to everyone. There is no fake you that you show when dealing with certain people.�?

After realizing I was trying to compliment him, he still seemed a bit perplexed but happy.

The thing about it was that I wish I could say I am always the true JM no matter who I am talking to. The trouble is that I’m not. I have a phone voice, I act differently around different groups of people, trying to appear tougher or more pleasant or whatever depending on the circumstances.

That’s not to say that behavior – changing a bit depending on who you’re talking to – is always a bad thing, but a lot of the time, it is because you’re not being true.

It’s important in a relationship – in all relationships, really – to just be who you are. It’s much better to be yourself than to have bad times with others when they find out you’re really like this or that.

Are you yourself around everyone? Or do you put on masks for certain people?

How relationships affect my writing…well, I believe in happy ever after. I think because I’ve been married for twenty mostly happy years, lol.

I tend to observe relationships – all kinds – and try and decipher what makes them work. I’ve found that the key is having two people committed to each other, and the relationship. One person can’t do all the work, and I’m not talking about doing the dishes or laundry. I’m talking about making and keeping the commitment to one another above all else.

Compromise is huge. Not everybody gets to have their way all the time. One person isn’t always right – just like one person isn’t always wrong. But the fun part about writing is putting the hero and heroine in positions that only their blossoming love can help them overcome. Mutual respect, affection and caring grow step by step and I like to provide conflict that lets them get a little closer to the self-realization that they LOVE the other person more than the huge obstacle keeping them apart.

And writing romance, I have the added benefit of knowing that my hero and heroine will live happily ever after – it’s also challenging, because while the reader expects the happy ever after, they want to be on the edge of their seats, worrying that they might not get it!

Love…*sigh*

If you would like an autographed bookmark, please send me your name via email – traciella@aol.com and we can exchange information! Love’s Magic will be on the shelves June 8th!

Thank you so much,

Traci

Short Sweet Love Poems brings us another love and relationships question to ponder this week. Remember, you can answer here or on your blog. If you answer on your blog, be sure to leave a link here and on the SSLP site so we can all read what you have to say.

Many people believe that love is everything in a relationship. We all marry for love expecting that it will see us through the good and bad times. Love gives rise to passion and can make our lives happier.

Is love alone enough in a relationship?

Ah, this is going to be an interesting one.

While I think it’s incredibly romantic to say that love alone can carry a relationship, I don’t think that’s true. I want to believe it’s truly, very much so, but I simply can’t.

First you face the basic needs. Food, water, shelter, etc. We all know that. Barring the basic necessities, though, I still think a relationship needs more than just love if it wants to survive long term.

There is trust. There are things in common – you need a few of those if you ever want to get along. You need to be able to communicate somehow.

The mix is different in every relationship, but it remains that every relationship needs more than love.

Last night, the husband and I went out for some of our favourite – Mongolian BBQ. He’d been late home from work, so it was nice to go out and relax some of the stress away.

As we sat and ate, he told me the reason that he was late was because he had a meeting with a couple other people from his section. The company he works for is setting up a site in another state and he’s needed down there for a weekend to help set up. (My husband is a computer guy. (Purr.)) He’ll fly down and fly back.

I’m used to going on trips with him and it’s pretty well known that I do travel with him. They told him yesterday that they are fine with me going as well so long as I’m okay occupying myself with whatever during work hours. That is absolutely fine with me, but there is just one thing…

We have to pay for my ticket.

While a state to state, domestic, flight shouldn’t cost that much, ‘that much’ could still prove to be too much. Talking with my husband today, I realized that if I don’t go on the trip, it’ll be the first time since I arrived in Australia that we would be apart for a night. (In this case, two or three nights.)

While it’s quite sweet and romantic that we haven’t been apart one night for more than a year and a half, I mentioned to my husband that if we can’t afford the ticket, maybe it would be good for us.

I’m wondering: Have you spent nights apart from your partner? Do you think spending nights apart (for whatever reasons) is a good thing? Or does it not matter?

This is an entry from my journal that I found today while trying to find an old recipe. It made me smile, and I’m hoping it’ll make you smile too.

2007

Scene: In Melbourne at the Cricketer’s Pub. It’s about 4.30 pm on a warm Thursday. Husband is looking around while taking drinks from his VB and Wife (me) is enjoying a glass of Smirnoff red label. After spending time talking about various locations for Wife’s novel, the conversation turns to Husband’s novel, which he has yet to work on.

Husband: I’ll be your editor and you will be mine.

Wife [smirking]: If you ever write.

Husband: True.

Wife [wishing he would finally get started on what she thinks is an awesome idea]: That’s what I’ve always said - you’re married to an editor and won’t have to pay for the service.

Husband [grinning]: I pay for the service by letting you use my body.

[Wife pauses and thinks about this for a moment.]

Wife: You pay for the service by being my whore?

Husband [sputters a bit]: I wouldn’t have used such…emotive words.

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes what he’s gotten into by marrying me.

I sat on the couch with my laptop and Mr. JM sat not far away at his computer. I was getting more and more upset as time passed and began typing an email to one of my friends because I didn’t know what else to do.

I hadn’t been typing long before I realized that complaining to my friend might feel good, but it wouldn’t actually solve anything. So I closed the email without sending it, closed my laptop and then asked Mr. JM if we could talk.

Having a ‘talk’ with your partner is never easy. There is always the chance of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and making things worse. There is that urge in us to not hurt the other person, so we try to bury feelings and avoid problems rather than face the prospect of hurting or upsetting the other person (or ourselves).

But as I have learned time and time again, avoiding problems and burying feelings doesn’t make them go away. Not by a long shot.

So while it hurt and was incredibly emotionally draining, I am glad my husband and I were able to sit down and talk about our issues so we could start working on things.

Here are some tips on making talks a bit easier:

*Don’t start one when you’re angry. Doing that will almost guarantee you making things worse.

*Eliminate distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, and other distractions. They only give you an excuse to get out of things before they are solved.

*Don’t interrupt.

*Assure your partner that you are truly listening to what s/he is saying by saying things like “I understand that you are upset because…�? and “I know what when I do this, you feel…�?

*Remember, the point of a talk should never be to ‘win’, it should be to be heard.

Do you have any tips for making talks go smoothly?

Just like cuddle time is important in a relationship, so is personal time. Spending all day and every day with your SO is only going to lead to snarling and annoyance if it keeps going on.

Personal time is also important because you should know what makes you, personally, happy in terms of just you, not the relationship. It’s more than easy to get caught up in the wants and needs of your partner and/or the relationship. However, continually giving without taking some time for yourself will only lead to resentment (and worse).

So, to welcome in this dreary day in Oz, here are a few ideas of how to brighten your day and give yourself a bit of a treat (and some self-bonding):

*Meditate. Meditation is great for calming you down, getting you focused and centered, and helping you to concentrate.

*Go to the park. Being outside in the sunshine and nature is a great way to relax and ground yourself. Take a journal with you if you want to write and/or a camera to get some great nature shots.

*Go to the mall/shopping centre. If you’re someone who likes a little retail therapy to refocus, then there is nothing better than going out and having a bit of a shop.

*Go to the library. Almost guaranteed to be quiet, this could be just the place for you to get comfortable and get some reading done.

*Take an extended coffee break. Go to or find a nice local coffee shop and watch the world go by while sipping a yummy cup of coffee.

What do you do to take personal time?

Hello everyone.

I apologize for the delay in posting the winners from the last chance at commenting, but life happens. Yes, that’s all I’m going to say, and I’m going to take it for granted that you all understand.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get to the 100 comment mark and thus no one won the awesome Aussie prize pack. Never fear, though, because that prize will not go to waste. (No, I’m not going to horde it all to myself.) In the future, I will be holding another contest of some sort and the Aussie prize pack will be up for grabs.

What sort of contest? Well, I don’t yet know. So if you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know. I feel a bit creatively tapped out of late, so I am definitely open to ideas.

That being said, without further ado, I would like to say a hearty congratulations to the person who won the last prize being given out for this contest:

Shannon!

She will be receiving a very yummy block of chocolate sent straight to her mailbox as soon as she gives me her address.

Thank you all for participating in this contest. It has been a great month full of great conversations. I look forward to having many more conversations with you in the future.

I am also open to guest posts, so feel free to contact me with your guest post ideas and we’ll work something out.

I hope each and every one of you has an utterly fantastic weekend.

Hello and happy Friday everyone! Today I have a special guest here on Long Relationships. Author Edythe Denkin is here to talk about her book Relationship Magic: The Secret to Happily Ever After. I hope you’ll join me in welcoming her to the site.

Relationship Magic
By Edythe Denkin

I wrote “Relationship Magic�? for the purpose of reaching deeply inside of as many people as possible to show them how they can make their marriage fuller and happier; also to show that divorce can be prevented, especially if people can be reached at the first signs of stress. They too can learn how love can come back in a more meaningful and secure way.

It wasn’t until my husband and I studied with Harville Hendricks that our relationship evolved in the deeper way I had always dreamed it would be, and I wanted to pass that gift on to as many people as possible. When I decided to write this book, my dilemma was how to reach people in a profound way that would make a lasting difference in their lives.

As a practicing Imago Relationship Therapist, I was so very glad that this work made a difference in so many people’s lives. But the most frustrating part was twofold:

1. Most people came into my office blaming the other, and one usually saying, “People like me! I get along with everyone! It is only my wife (husband) who doesn’t understand me. I don’t argue with any of the other people I know.”

2. And, couples would say, “Dialoguing just takes too long. Why can’t we tell each other how we feel without having to mirror, summarize, and empathize by putting ourselves in the other’s shoes?”

Although I found many different and creative ways to answer these questions, they did not always help. Even when couples found dialoguing beneficial in my office, I found that after the couple left they did not take the time to dialogue themselves.

I knew from my days as a teacher that people often learn new things more easily when they hear the concepts in a story. Stories can often present difficult concepts in a way that does not threaten people.

I wrote “Relationship Magic�? because I knew I could give people a simple outline for improving their marriage. I knew the principles in this book could really work and would be best presented as a fictional story. By reading about another couple, readers can see how certain behaviors affect the characters and relate without feeling accused.

I wanted to help as many people as possible and I wanted to show the reader that they were not alone. That all relationships go through developmental stages and changes. Just as children go from one stage to the next, a relationship will also. I wanted this book to help couples identify the stages and to know that they were no different from any other couple.

I wrote this book as a fairy tale because I thought it would be easier for people to digest. I knew they could get into the story and they would not feel self conscious or accused. It would free them up to talk about their own marriage or relationship with out embarrassment or feeling cornered. It has been working. Readers no longer feel like they are the “only ones�?.

Author Edythe Denkin will be joining us here tomorrow with a guest post about her book Relationship Magic. Before she stops by, here is a little bit about her.

Edythe Denkin, PhD, is a Certified Marriage Counselor. Her most recent book, Relationship Magic, is a set of tools in parable form for those wanting to keep or rekindle the love and communication in their relationships. Dr. Denkin understands that “Happily Ever After�? does not just come naturally. It takes communication, honesty, and empathy. This book is based on her work with Imago Relationship Theory.

The host of “Catch Your Kids Doing Things Right,�? a four-part television series in which she taught many of her techniques to a wide audience, she has been trained and certified as an Imago Relationship Therapist by Dr. Harville Hendrix, best-selling author of Getting The Love You Want, et al.

Edythe is also the author of Why Can’t You Catch Me Being Good?, a best-selling book from Adams Media that shows how to raise self-confident and well-behaved children.
Edythe has embraced a spiritual quest and a personal calling to help people find their childhood triggers and help them reclaim their emotional freedom and happiness.

A graduate of Temple University, Denkin began her career as an Elementary School teacher. She went on to receive her Masters Degree in Elementary Education from the University of Bridgeport, and her PhD from Walden University. She has over thirty years experience as a therapist and relationship expert, specializing in marriage and child therapy, and is also a teacher, coach and motivational speaker.

She is a member of the Institute For Relationship Therapy and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Denkin was recently honored by the University of Bridgeport with a Most Distinguished Alumni Award.

Click the more tag to read an excerpt of her book. (more…)

Hello everyone!

It’s hard to believe it’s already Thursday. A shoulder injury has me loathing computer work time a bit, and I will be glad once I am well and truly into the Australian long weekend.

Anyway, as you know, my first wedding anniversary was this past May 5th and since then I have been giving you chances to win some awesome prizes in celebration of the event. However, my goal was to get to 100 comments in one month.

…We aren’t quite there yet.

So here is everyone’s last chance to win some awesome Aussie prizes from yours truly.

As this is the last day and your last chance to win, I’m going to make things a little different.

You can still comment on the posts I have put up over this past month, but if you comment on this post, you must obey the rules.

This is a game of comment interaction. To keep the interaction going, you need to follow the rules: Answer the question of the person above you. Whenever you comment, you answer the question of the person above you (I will end this post with a question) and leave a question of your own.

You can also answer anyone else’s questions, but you have to make sure you at least answer the question from the person above you.

It’s as easy as that. Answer a question and ask a question in the same comment.

(I hope I’m making sense. Tiredness and shoulder pain may have gone to my brain.)

Try to keep the questions to the general site topic, but feel free to let the conversation flow. I will announce any and all winners tomorrow, so be sure to stop here throughout the day to join the conversation as well as stop by tomorrow to see if you have won.

My question is…

What is one thing that has helped your relationship survive?