Long Relationships

Hello and happy Friday all! Fridays are wonderful in the world of the M-F 9 to 5 work force. I’m not a part of that work force, but my husband is. I love the anticipation of Fridays. He comes home and I know I have him all to myself for the whole weekend.

I’m only a little greedy. I promise. Ha!

Fridays are always good for weekend homework as well. The weekend’s assignment is about working on yourself and the way you handle arguments.

Earlier this week I talked about arguing. As I said in that post, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument. One bad thing to do is to start all your sentences in an accusing manner by saying, “You… You…”

“You never help. You never listen. You never understand.”

It’s pretty easy to see how this kind of talking from both sides would do nothing but lead to a bigger argument.

It’s one thing to notice a habit, but it’s another thing to change that habit. This weekend, your homework is not only to identify your ‘you’ habits but to start work on changing them.

Sit down and list five things to your partner (“you do this, you also do this”) and then change the ‘you’ statements into ‘I’ statements.

For example: “You never do the dishes” could be turned into “I feel frustrated because I never have help doing the dishes.”

See? It’s not accusing and it better expresses how you’re feeling about the thing in question.

Try it out a bit more if you like, and try to get your partner to do it as well. It will be good for both of you.

Through the ages a lot of people have had things to say about love. Today I’m giving you just a few of the things that people have said.

Feel free to add your own favourite love quotes in the comments.

Happy Thursday Thirteen!

1. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
2. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - Unknown
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
5. I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza. - Alf Whit
6. One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued. - Benjamin Franklin
7. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
8. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. - Albert Einstein
9. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charlie Brown
10. What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. - Pearl Bailey
11. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal
12. The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. - Charles Pierce
13. That love at first sight should happen to me, was Life’s most delicious revenge on a self-opinionated fool. - Charles Boyer

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

When you are having an argument, your goal should never be to win; your goal should be to be heard. – Dr. Phil

Why, thank you Dr. Phil. I couldn’t agree with you more.

When I first heard Dr. Phil say that (yes, occasionally I like to indulge in daytime television) I thought it was a perfect quote for this site.

When it comes to relationships, one of the hardest things to deal with can be arguments. Things are said that weren’t meant. Stinging comments are remembered. Emotional scarring happens easily and forgiveness happens only with a lot of work.

But as any relationship guru, therapist, or experienced partner will tell you, arguing is normal. If it never happens, you have to worry.

Even so, there are good ways and bad ways to handle an argument.

While it’s not always easy, try to keep these things in mind when you have a disagreement with your partner.

1. Don’t yell. Yelling is just one more thing that is going to make all parties involved feel threatened and upset. Don’t yell. Especially if there are children in the house.
2. Don’t interrupt. Interrupting is rude, inconsiderate, and will most often just make things a lot worse.
3. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements just make the other person feel attacked and accused.
4. Remember that this is not the end of the world. Remembering this will help take some of the steam out of your anger. Yes, you’re mad now, but you won’t be mad forever. You can work this out.

You’ve heard the old saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” right? Well, there is a reason this saying has survived for so many years.

It’s true.

However, as any dieter on this planet will tell you – moderation is key. You still need to spend quality time with your spouse/significant other if you don’t want things to fizzle out.

Do you want to wake up in a few years and realize you’re only doing things the way you are because “it works for now” and “it’s easy”? Passion isn’t always easy, but it’s good to have and keep going in a relationship.

Last night on television I saw a news clip about parents using shock treatment to deal with out of control kids. I sat there and thought, “Is this what society has brought us to? Medication and shock treatment to deal with kids we no longer have time to deal with?”

I by no means want to insult any parent who has a kid who is so out of control they feel they have no other way to go, but this is a horrifying thing. And if we don’t have time to care for our children without such extreme measures, then how are we supposed to have times to cultivate meaningful and long-lasting relationships?

Here are five ways to help you rekindle romance or keep it going when your life becomes about meetings, kids, homework, etc.

1.) Bring flowers/a beer/etc home. She might ask what you did wrong or he might not thank you, but “just because” surprises let your someone know you are thinking about him/her.

2.) Massages! Massages are not only erotic, they show you care, make your other feel good, and helps you to bond through touch.

3.) This sort of goes along the lines of number one but a little different. Bring home or cook his/her favorite food. My husband loves oysters and I bring them home as a surprise treat every now and then for him to enjoy. I love them to, so we can sit back for a few minutes and “mmm” about it.

4.) E-cards are easy, fun, and you can find thousands of them on the internet. They can be sexy, sweet, funny, or a combination of those. Talking/no talking, music/no music… Some you can even personalize with your own photos! E-cards are a quick, easy, and FREE way to make someone else’s day brighter.

5.) Write a letter. You can take as much time as you want, writing a few sentences now and then. Write a long letter to the one you love about how much they mean in your life, how much you appreciate him/her, and/or just saying you were thinking about him/her. Then send it to his/her workplace, put it as a nice surprise in the glove compartment of the car, or send it to your own address and let him/her grab the mail for the next couple of days.

Last week I put up The Meme of Us with my relationship details and invited you to send me your answers to the meme to post here as part of my “Our Story” section of the site.

The lovely Jenera responded! You can find her site here and her answers below. Thank you Jenera!

If you fill out this meme and send it to me with a link to your blog/site, I’ll put it up on a future Monday for the ‘Our Story’ section of this site! Email me your responses to sylver451(at)tpg(dot)com(dot)au

You don’t have to have a website to participate! Just email me your answers and the name you would like posted with your answers and I’ll put it up.

How long have you been together? Oh, I think the official amount of time is about 3 1/2 years. We were married on August 16, 2004 but I think we could actually count from August 7, 2004 as when we actually ‘got together’.

How long did you date? This is a hard for me to actually say. Again, technically, only about 9 days before we got hitched. But we met in February 2004 and communicated by email, then phone, then letters, then phone again before meeting in person in August 2004. I think somewhere along the line we knew in some way we were meant to be but I just am not too sure.

How old is he? He is 29 years old.

Who eats more? He does. But he is a big burly man and can eat more than me. He is almost pure solid muscle so it takes more food to maintain.

Who said ‘I love you’ first? My sweet man, he said it first, the day after we met in person while standing on the bank of a little creek where we were camping. It completely shocked me at first-it was the first time I had ever heard it from a man.

Who is taller? Definitely him, I’m a shorty..

Who is smarter? This one is tough-we are both very smart but in completely different ways. He has some serious street smarts. I’m more book smart. But he also knows so much more than I do on such a variety of topics. I think of him as my evil genius.

Who does the laundry? Me. He does do his own while out on the road or when I’m not home (like now, while I’m visiting my mom).

Who does the dishes? Typically me. When he is home, the dishes don’t get done because we like to avoid household stuff and spend time with each other. But if I ask him to wash the silverware and cups (I HATE doing them) he will with no complaints.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do now. It used to be home but it seems like every time we move, we switch sides that we sleep on.

Who pays the bills? I pay the bills with the money he makes. I think if it was left up to him, it wouldn’t happen. I pay almost everything online and he wouldn’t know where to begin. Even with the ones I write checks for, I always have the checkbook-he only has a debit card.

Who mows the lawn? We haven’t had to mow in awhile but we both do. Sometimes I get a wild hair up my butt and will mow it or he will when he’s home.

Who cooks dinner? Almost always me. Usually because he is too tired to cook when he is home and plus having something ready to eat when he gets home is something he loves. He digs my cooking after being on the road forever. I even cook big ‘ol meals when he plans to have friends over, :o)

Who is more stubborn? Man, this is a toughie. We both are but I think he might just win a little bit.

Who kissed who first? He made the first move, in front of a Denny’s when he first arrived in Oregon. But I kissed him back.

Who asked who out? Oh, I don’t even know. Considering how our whole relationship began, it’s hard to say. It might have been me though because I asked him to come to Oregon for my birthday party.

Who proposed? He first brought up the idea of marriage but I never had a real proposal-not that I’m complaining! It was more like a mutual proposal of marriage.

Who is more sensitive? We both are very sensitive but in very different ways. I think I’m overly emotional at times but he can really surprise on some things with his compassion for things.

Who has more friends? I’d say him because since we’re back in Idaho, he has his friends and family. I have some friends through him. Though I do have a considerable amount of online friends.

I have been tagged!

The lovely Sandra from Parenting Under the Stars has tagged me with the About You tag.

This is a short meme with five questions. I am going to answer the questions, but I’m not going to tag anyone. What I would like you to do (for your weekend homework!) if you choose to do so is answer this meme either on your own blog (be sure to leave a link!) or in the comments if you don’t have a blog.

I love getting to know my readers, so I hope you participate!

The Questions

* How long have you been blogging?
* What inspired you to start a blog and who are your mentors?
* Are You trying to make money online, or just doing it for fun?
* Tell me 3 things you LOVE about being online.
* Tell me 3 things you STRUGGLE with in the online world.

How long have you been blogging?

I have been non-professionally blogging since about 2004. I came across it by accident, really, and kept on with it, learning how to build templates and so forth.

I have been pro-blogging since about the time I came to Australia - October 2006. So, about a year and four months.

What inspired you to start a blog and who are your mentors?

Nothing inspired me initially. I found blogger and thought it was a nice way to have an anonymous space away from the prying eyes of everyone who knew me. Professional blogging wasn’t really inspired, either. A friend advertised that a network needed bloggers and I applied.

It’s going to sound bad, but I don’t really have any mentors. I’m very much a self-taught person, which may explain a few things haha, and I like to cruise along doing my own thing. I’ve mentored others, but I don’t follow anyone enough to call them mentors.

Are you trying to make money online, or just doing it for fun?

I’m in the middle. I make money because I can. I have bills to pay just like the rest of the world. I do love what I do, though. Absolutely and completely.

Tell me 3 things you LOVE about being online.

People! I love getting to know new people from all around the world. It’s fantastic.

I also love being able to share things with others. I have a big mouth on some subjects, and it’s great to be able to express myself.

Mobility. I can ‘go’ anywhere, find anything, talk to thousands of people… The internet is fantastic.

Tell me 3 things you STRUGGLE with in the online world.

Withholding information. I’m usually a very open, honest, emotional person. But I’ve had stalkers in the past, so I have to remind myself to careful with trusting people and talking about myself.

Weight. Haha. It’s not ‘in’ the online world, but I have to go to the gym every morning or else I would be getting terribly little exercise given how much online time I need.

Trolls. People who use the internet to vent their frustrations, torment people, and be general jackasses are no fun to deal with.

There is is! Now, like I said, I’m not going to tag anyone, but I would love it if people responded! Have an awesome weekend.

Happy Thursday Thirteen!

I thought I would do a little fun something today because I’ve been in a bit of a cheeky mood lately.

In my relationship with my husband, I have found that certain words and phrases often come out of our mouths. Whether he’s calling me a nickname, I’m calling him something, or there’s a couple lines we always say to each other, there’s repetition sometimes.

Here’s my list of thirteen things we say the most. If you do this meme, be sure to link to it in the comments. I would love to see what words frequent your household. Enjoy!

1. Me: “I was thinking…”
Him: “Congratulations.” (Said with a smartass grin.)
2. Me: “Smartass.”
3. Him: “You’re naughty.”
Me: “Yeah, but you love me.”
4. Him: “Who’s a silly girl?”
5. This isn’t spoken, but I think it’s funny. Whenever either of us ‘gets the other good’, we lick our finger and make a ‘1′ in the air. Point scored.
6. Me: “You have a fine ass.”
7. Him: “Spunkybum.”
8. “I kill you!” *(from ‘akhmed the dead terrorist’)
9. Me: “Was that rude?”
10. Him: “You my woman.”
Me: “And you my man.”
11. “Bloody hell.”
12. Me: “Wankers.”
13. “Guess what!”
“I love you, too.”

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

I was half-watching some random show (sometimes I like the television on for the noise) on afternoon television and one guy asked, “How do you know if she’s the one? I mean, the ONE.”

Another man smiled and looked at him. “You know that she is the one when she always smiles when she first sees you. No matter what.”

That made me remember something I heard – I think in the movie The Princess Bride – about love. You know it’s love if, when you kiss for the first time, your (or your lady’s) foot lifts off the ground.

That got me to wondering what other kind of sayings like that are out there. There are so many love spells, poems, potions, enchantments, charms, and other such things out there; surely there had to me more little ‘signs’ out there to let you know you’re really in love.

Did you ever sit picking the petals off a poor flower, hoping no one would catch you, as you said, “He loves me. He loves me not…”?

I’d like you, the readers, to share all the little charms and sayings that you have heard of growing up. You’re not limited to ‘you know you’re in love if’ sayings if you can’t think of any of those. Any little charm, rhyme, ritual, recited poem, ‘sign’, and whatever else you can think of is welcome.

Have fun and don’t feel embarrassed if you used/said anything! We’re safe here.

PS. If I get enough entries, I just might have a little lovely something for the person with the ‘best’ love comment!

Last night I woke up in the early hours. Rather, my husband woke me up because I had been making noise while trying to get out of a horrible, horrible nightmare.

I won’t get into the details of the nightmare because it still has the power to upset me even in the daylight. Just trust me when I said it caused true blind terror and had me sobbing.

My husband woke me up and I immediately began sobbing, clinging to him and looking around the bedroom to reassure myself that I had indeed got out of the nightmare. My husband comforted me and slowly got me to calm down, which was a huge feat if I do say so.

What does this have to do with long relationships?

It’s in moments like these that I truly realize how much I love my husband. I love him in part because I know I can be weak in front of him, and he won’t hold it against me. I can cry and cling to him while I calm down and he’ll run his fingers through my hair, whispering loving words.

I can have him walk me to the bathroom in the middle of the night and not feel like an idiot the next day.

Today has been a day of concern and caring from my husband. We have discussed possible meanings and reasons for the nightmare (long story) and I’m feeling calm along with completely in love with him.

That, I believe, is a sign of an excellent long relationship.

I found this fun relationship meme at Ms. Zoot’s site and thought it would be perfect for this site.

Today I’ll fill out the questions based on my relationship, but if you want to participate feel free!

If you fill out this meme and send it to me with a link to your blog/site, I’ll put it up on a future Monday for the ‘Our Story’ section of this site! Email me your responses to sylver451(at)tpg(dot)com(dot)au

How long have you been together? About two years and four months. (Longest relationship I’ve ever had. Hehe!)

How long did you date? In terms of ‘how long were you together before getting engaged’ erm… Before he engaged in person, we dated for a little over a year. It was pretty much solid that we were going to get married from early on, though.

How old is he? Older than I am.

Who eats more? I do. The guy is like a camel with water AND food.

Who said ‘I love you’ first? I’d have to check, but I think it might have been him. Or me. I’m really not sure. I think we both said it plenty of times in many ways before saying the actual words.

Who is taller? He is.

Who is smarter? Definitely him. He’s extremely intelligent as well as being a smartass.

Who does the laundry? We both do. It used to be mostly him, but they we finally bought a washer so I can do the laundry during the day if I want to.

Who does the dishes? Pretty much the person who doesn’t cook does the dishes. Sometimes we just wash our own dishes and the person who didn’t cook does the other stuff.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Memememe. It’s kind of unfortunate because I usually like to sleep on my left side. Ha!

Who pays the bills? Up until now, it’s been me paying my bills (US bills) and him paying the bills over here (Australia). We’re slowly moving towards me paying all the bills, though.

Who mows the lawn? We don’t have a lawn to mow.

Who cooks dinner? Usually him because I get so nervous. He’s such a good cook and I feel lousy when I burn something or overcook it. I will occasionally get adventurous during the day, though, when no one is watching.

Who is more stubborn? We’re both pretty darn stubborn. This is a tough call, but I think he’s just a bit more stubborn than I am.

Who kissed who first? He kissed me. Hehe. On my first day here in Australia, the hussy.

Who asked who out? Neither, really. We kind of did the flirty dance and it was obvious we were meant to be together. No asking needed.

Who proposed? He did. A couple times. Hehe.

Who is more sensitive? My instant reaction is me, but he’s a pretty sensitive guy even if he doesn’t show it as much as I do. I’m still going to go with me, though.

Who has more friends? Lessee… I’d say him because he works outside the house in a big company where everyone likes him.

On a site that is dedicated to couples and long relationships, this bit of weekend homework might come across as odd or even misplaced. However, I do have my reasons…

When you’re in a relationship, it’s more than easy to become wrapped up in the needs, wants, and even moods of your friend/partner/family member. This focus can be so intense that you forget that you have wants and needs as well. You may forget to take care of yourself.

I would be willing to bet that right now, while some people are shaking their heads at the thought of forgetting to take care of themselves, many more are nodding because they know exactly what I’m talking about.

As I said, it’s so easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Yes, it’s healthy to care, but as my husband says, the pendulum has to swing the other way. There has to be balance in your life and a time where you say, “Okay, now it’s my time to focus on me and what I need.”

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It is to focus on yourself all the time, but it isn’t if you’re often so focused on everyone else that stress becomes part of your daily life.

So your assignment this weekend is to think of yourself and take time away from everything. You may only be able to do that by shutting the bedroom door rather than taking a spa day, but do whatever you can. Focus on you. Spoil yourself. Realize that the world will not end if you take a shopping day, don’t do the chores, and don’t focus all of your attention on other people for a day.

Enjoy yourself.

Okay, so this is a little late for Valentines Day (such things should be listed a few days before so one can actually, you know, PLAN) but you certainly don’t need a particular day to treat your partner to something nice.

Plus, I know there are plenty of people out there who are separated from the ones they love, so store this away for a rainy day.

Happy Valentines Day Thursday Thirteen!

1. Roses and chocolates. Sometimes classics are best.
2. Jewelry. I’m not very keen on this personally, but maybe…
3. Bubble bath with candles! Yum. You can’t beat that.
4. Chocolate body paint. (Be careful. Some of the stuff is a lot thicker than it seems so it might take a while to get it off… Pleasure turns boring…)
5. Favourite show marathon! My hubby and I have been having mini Dr. Who marathons and it has been great. I love cuddling up on the couch with him.
6. A picnic! Yes, romantic dinners in restaurants are nice, but something made by hand is so special.
7. Treasure hunt! Have your partner hunt around the house for little notes and presents that will ultimately lead him/her to the big present.
8. Movie night. Like the marathon night, a movie night is also excellent.
9. Blast from the past. Pick something you used to do - rollerskating, night clubbing - and go do it.
10. Write a love letter. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so sweet.
11. Cook. Like with the picnic, there is nothing like something homemade.
12. Bring beer. Show up naked. Go for it.
13. Send the kids to the grandparents. Even if you don’t go anywhere, get in some couple time.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

Valentines Day is tomorrow, and I think one of the best, most heartfelt presents is a love letter.

I put this letter up today not because I have something else planned for tomorrow but to make a point. Valentines Day is a lovely reminder to celebrate how much you appreciate the ones you love, but you should never let a day pass by with your partner not absolutely sure of how much you love him/her. Take advantage of time, and though it’s hard sometimes, try to greet each day as if it’s your last with your partner.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dear man of mine,

I love you. I know I tell you every day (sometimes it must seem like every five minutes), but every time I say it I mean the words with all of my heart.

Things haven’t excatly been easy for us. Frustrations have been the name of the game lately, but like we’ve made it through before, I know we can keep making it through. I know we can get everything we want out of life. It might take a while, but we can do it.

I want you to know that this Valentines Day is, for me, full of thoughts of everything you’ve done for me lately. I can never truly express how much it means to me that you’ve been taking care of me like you have. I’m not always the easiest person to have around, and yet you think more of me than yourself.

I notice, and I love you for it. I always will.

Come what may, love.

Love always,

Yours

As Valentines Day draws closer, I can’t help but think of the couples who must spend the lovely day apart. Some are separated by a few hours and some are separated by whole countries.

Some get separated for a few days and some for a few months.
Be it the Army or work, there are a lot of things that can mean time away from each other for couples.

Time separated can be a breath of fresh air sometimes, but separations that happen often and/or for long lengths of time can put a lot of stress on a couple.

Last year my husband and I put in my spousal visa and we didn’t know if I would be forced to leave the country while the application was being processed (due to timing) or if I would be able to stay while things were being sorted out.

The prospect of being separated for an unknown amount of time scared me so much and sent me into tears many nights.

Thankfully, I got to stay in the country and everything worked out. Unfortunately, things don’t work so well for other couples.

Always remember that there are things you can do to stay close to your partner even when s/he is not physically with you:

1. Email!
2. Postal letters
3. Phone calls (and phone sex)
4. If the above things aren’t possible, for every day your loved one is away, write a love letter. That way, when s/he comes home, s/he has a whole pile of love letters to read.

Welcome back to Long Relationships. I hope you enjoyed our guests last week, and I hope you get the book. I’m reading it, and it’s fantastic so far.

As you probably know very well, this week is Valentine’s Day week.

When I was younger (and single), Valentines Day represented…not a lot to me. I was never one of those people who thought Valentines Day was created by evil to make single people to feel miserable.

Valentines Day is a day for couples to celebrate their love for each other. But it’s also a day you can celebrate friendship, your love for your children, and other forms of love. A lot of people don’t see past the couple aspect of the day, though.

So, this Valentines Day, remember to be sensitive to your single friends (maybe send some anonymous flowers or chocolates?) while you’re busy focusing on the happiness you have with your significant other.

And if you’re single, then don’t let the day get you down! There are plenty of Valentines Day alternatives (girls movie night, anyone?) for people who don’t have that ‘other’ to celebrate with yet. Enjoy the day and the weekend, be happy for those who have found their loves and let the day be an encouragement instead of depressing if you haven’t found your love yet!

Hugs and love to everyone this week. Have fun and try to behave.

Don’t forget: If you want the chance to win a copy of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire then check out this post!