Long Relationships

This week I have been talking about dieting while you’re part of a couple. Whether you and your partner are both dieting or only one of you is, dieting is rarely easy.

Things can be made even harder if you aren’t very understanding or considerate of your partner’s diet or you’re on the other end and have a partner who doesn’t quite get it. Either way, here is a quick list just in case any minds need a little refreshing…

1. DO - Ask your partner how things are going. Don’t push for specific details if your partner is unwilling, but do try to check in.
2. DON’T - Forget your partner is on a diet. Forgetting leads to a lot of bad, avoidable things.
3. DO - Encourage your partner to buy healthier foods when you’re out shopping.
4. DON’T - Buy a bunch of junk food for yourself and tell your partner s/he’s not allowed to have any.
5. DO - Comment about improvements in your partner’s appearance.
6. DON’T - Make fake comments. If you ask if s/he has lost ten pounds and s/he has gained five, s/he won’t trust your comments in the future.
7. DO - Encourage your partner to start a diet diary or blog.
8. DON’T - Read the diary/blog without your partner’s permission.
9. DO - Change your own little habits to help your partner.
10. DON’T - Tell your partner what s/he can and can’t do and then go and do it yourself.
11. DO - Find your own ways to encourage your partner. Weight banks ($1 per pound so there’s new clothes money at the end) or your own list of rewards you’ll surprise your spouse with at certain goals.
12. DON’T - Ignore what your partner is trying to do.
13. DO - Expect a bit of grumbling and complaining. It’s only natural.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

This week we have been talking about couples and weight. I have been thinking for a while about how I wanted to close this subject (for now) in a way that relates to relationships in general. What’s the bottom line that truly connects it all together?

Support.

In relationships, in weight loss, and in many other things, support is what will keep you going. Support is what will help you to accept your mistakes instead of letting your mistakes rule you.

Weight loss is very hard. Everyone who is heavy is heavy for a reason. Sometimes someone just truly loves good food and flavours. Other time, overeating is a coping mechanism that grows into a habit the person keeps whether or not they are still getting over the original issue.

Psychology is – or should be – as much of a part of weight loss as exercise is. Unfortunately, we still rely on pills, try to find the quick fix, address the physical and not the mental or emotionally, and everything else to avoid addressing the underlying issues.

That’s where the strong support of a partner (family member, or friend) comes in. A supporting partner will be there to be strong when the other person simply can’t. A supporting partner can make the difference in a day of depression versus a week or even a month.

So for those of you out there who have overweight partners, encourage your partner to live a healthier (and thus likely longer) life no matter how much it may hurt his/her feelings at the time. Encourage your partner in all his/her weight loss goals.

And be there when your partner starts uncovering the reasons behind being overweight.

Because when you’re trying to lose weight, a strong support in your life is worth more than anything else in the world.

PS. If you’re trying to lose weight, never ever be afraid to admit you want/ask for help.

49% of Australians are overweight. 64% of Americans are overweight or obese. It’s not a huge surprise that there are plenty of couples out there who have a significant weight difference between them.

(When I use the word ’significant’ I mean that the weight difference is noticeable physically.)

While there are different things to deal with for both the thinner partner and the obese partner, I am not going to pretend I have experience with being the thinner partner. I don’t mean to make thinner partners feel neglected by me on this subject or on this site; I simply don’t have the experience to talk about it.

What the thinner partner needs to know about having an obese partner is that the obese partner has a lot of stress just being obese. For all the people in this world that are obese, people are still so entirely obsessed with being thin that even obese people who go to gyms to lose weight get dirty looks from thinner gym patrons.

Take that and add on being with someone who is thinner than you. Wondering if people are looking at you and wondering what you are doing with your partner. Yes, it happens. Even I have gone to the restroom, looked in the mirror, and wondered if people see me and my husband and wonder why he’s with me.

That’s not to say that you (the thinner partner) are a constant stress on your partner by any means. That’s not the case whatsoever. However, it does mean that you need to be sensitive to your partner.

*Don’t complain about being/feeling fat.
*Don’t talk about the meals you’ve had while you’re not with your partner.
*Don’t engage in making jokes – or even little pet names to do with weight – at your partner’s expense.

If you are the overweight partner and have problems with things your partner is saying or doing remember to speak up. Don’t let things pass by simply because it’s your partner saying them instead of someone else. If anything, your partner should be more sensitive than other people.

Dieting is rarely easy. It’s even harder for people who have been obese for as long as they can remember and have to suffer (yes, suffer) the judgments of the ‘healthy’ people around them.

I learned a long time ago that you never know anyone’s story. When I get dirty looks from skinny women, I feel hurt more because I’m trying to lose weight and it’s a difficult process than anything else. These women (yes, they’ve all been women) don’t know me, don’t know why I’m at this weight, and don’t know whether or not I’m trying to change my life for the better.

Judgment without knowing hurts.

It’s not only because of my personal experiences, though, that I want to talk about the weight issue between couples this week.

When you’re single and dieting, there are a lot of challenges to face including what I mentioned above. If you’re dieting while being part of a couple, then things can be even more complicated.

Dieting with a partner brings in a lot more elements to the entire dieting things. Not only do you have to adjust meals for both partners (or try to plan around each other), but you have to find out what you need (or what your partner needs) in terms of support, behaviour changes, and understanding the stresses you (and/or your partner) are going through.

Not to mention all the feelings associated with there being a noticeable weight difference between you and your partner. That can be a whole different bit of trouble in certain situations.

This week I’m going to try to touch on all these things and talk about what we and our partners can do to better support each other during the dieting process.

Hello everyone!

This Thursday Thirteen is a little late and I do apologize for that. I’m putting up a Thursday Thirteen that I encourage you to do either on your blog or just on a piece of paper that you can save. I’m hoping this list will be something you can go back to look at when you’re feeling particularly peeved at your partner.

I’m listing things about my partner, and I would like you to list thirteen things you love about your partner. As I said, this is something I’d like you to save and look at when times aren’t quite so pristine in your relationship.

Enjoy!

1. He’s a fabulous cook.
2. He doesn’t let me get focused on feeling sorry for myself.
3. He encourages me to do whatever my heart desires in regards to my career.
4. He encourages me to be the best I can.
5. He doesn’t fault me for my weaknesses.
6. He takes all my mood swings very well.
7. He never, ever yells at me.
8. We can laugh together often.
9. I can always go to him when I need to talk about something, and he’ll offer feedback.
10. Sometimes he simply doesn’t understand me, but he loves me anyway.
11. He thinks before he acts.
12. He gives me my space.
13. He loves cuddles and ‘us’ time.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

Ah, honest criticism.

As a writer, you’re taught to build a hard shell because you will be getting often harsh criticism for as long as you are in the business. Non-writers are often told the same in a different way – you have to learn to take criticism if you want to improve your work.

Not all criticism is said with only honesty and empathy, but today I’m talking about the comments people make in earnest, not wanting to make you cry type of honesty.

One thing I know I can always count on my husband for is an honest assessment of whatever project I have him look at. Whether I want him to read one of my short stories or look at one of the blogs I have put up, I know he will be honest.

Sometimes this hurts my feelings because my projects can become a part of me. But I get over that easily when I remember that he’s offering an opinion because I’ve asked for it, and he’s only mentioning things I can improve because he truly wants me to improve.

There is a fine line between complete honesty and white lies for every couple. My relationship honesty line might be too close to honesty for other people. Others might say that it’s not honest enough; he should be honest in everything whether I ask for his opinion or not.

Unfortunately, this is something you really have to take your time to feel out with your partner. Even if you do sit down and talk about it, people aren’t always aware of their tolerance levels until they’re tested.

So the next time you offer an opinion on your partner’s work, looks, etc, pay close attention to how s/he reacts to what you’re saying and decide if there is a better way to say things next time.

I believe the sooner a couple realizes the importance of bubble bath time, than the better chances they have for making it through all the long years to come.

Not regularly enough for me to take them for granted but enough to keep me a happy wife, my husband will run me a hot bubble bath. He’ll run the water, put in the bubble bath, light candles, make sure I have towels…

And sometimes, he brings me treats like strawberries and cream or chocolates.

After reading that, you may think I’m a spoiled wife. The truth is I’m not. My husband knows I like to have alone time in the bath. I know my husband likes his alone time in his comfy chair with movies/television.

Yes, my space takes a bit more preparation, but my husband is satisfied with me bringing him a beer.

The bubble bath isn’t simply a bubble bath. What I want you the reader to see is that the bubble bath is also symbolic. Your bubble bath doesn’t have to be an actual bath.

What it represents is a sacred time spent alone in relaxation and pleasure. The space can be invaded only if the invader is bringing offerings of things to increase the pleasure and relaxation.

The bubble bath is often the only time a busy woman (or man) will get peace and (some) quiet time to read, relax, eat little treats, and/or a multitude of other things. In establishing a place of peace and aloneness for your partner, you are letting your partner know that you respect his/her need for time alone.

So give it a try. Run a bath for your partner.

You would think a question like that would have a simple answer, right?

Wrong.

Many times since I started asking around for people’s stories of their relationships, I have been asked, “Well, what exactly qualifies as a ‘long’ relationship?”

As much as I would like there to be an easy answer to this, there simply isn’t one.

In terms of time and contributing an “Our Story” I would like your relationship to be three months old or longer. A relationship you really see lasting the long haul. But even then, in that statement, we’re moving out of a time frame and into personal judgments.

Long relationships can’t be defined purely by time. A long relationship is one of commitment, a shared future to look forward to and plan for, and a deeper, mutual love that comes after the ‘rose-tinted glasses’ phase.

When it comes to long relationships, I do believe you have to get out of the ‘rose-tinted glasses’ phase to really experience a relationship. You have to realize that yes, he does fart, and yes, she does belch. He’ll leave his clothes everywhere but the laundry basket, and she will rearrange your furniture, your clothes, and your personal belongings as many times as she pleases.

A long relationship is out of the realm of trying to use the loo quietly because you don’t want your partner to hear you doing that sort of ‘icky’ stuff.

A long relationship is not caring so much if your partner thinks you’re hot or not because it all comes down to nekkid time at the end of the day anyway.

In the end, it comes to you and how you feel about your relationship whether it’s a ‘long relationship’ or not.

And if you’re still unsure about submitting your story, feel free to ask!

I am a writer. I write books as well as freelance. Last night when we went out to dinner, I was talking to my husband about my current project. I explained to him that I took a little incident that happened between us and blew it up to get a story out of it. He understood completely and even helped me flesh out one of the characters.

That brought to mind something, though: Where do you draw the line between public and private?

Do you kiss and tell?

It’s easy enough to say ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’, but is it that easy to do? Not all things that happen within a relationship are ‘obviously private’.

Maybe you think talking with your friends about your partner’s habit of leaving the door open when s/he uses the loo is great fodder for getting some laughs, but your partner might find it a little embarrassing and hurtful to find you and your friends were laughing at him/her.

So what do you do? How do you decide?

The easiest solution is one that I’ve said before and will likely say plenty of times in the future: talk to your partner.

Is s/he comfortable talking about the positions you use in bed? Are you comfortable with your partner talking about the sex toys you have ‘hidden’ in your lingerie drawer?

You can choose to go the way of trial and error when it comes to what you talk about when it comes to your home and love life, but that can just as easily come back to kick your butt in the end. In trying to get a laugh, you could do damage that could take a long time to repair. Are you willing to chance it?

Add in a dose of common sense with a nice healthy helping of good conversation and you should be good to go.

I’ll admit it: I like to cruise WebMD. It’s like a free doctor’s visit, especially when I have little questions about things like diet and exercise.

I was cruising around the site when I found the article 11 Don’t-Tell-the-Wife Secrets All Men Keep. Lo and behold, big secret number four actually has something to do with what I have been posting about this week and last: money.

Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important

In more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband — almost double the number in 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Right?

Yep, cry sexist all you want, but guys still want to be the breadwinners.

And that’s okay!

I’m not telling you (ladies) to stunt your career aspirations just to keep your man happy, but do keep in mind that guys still like to be the provider in the family.

I love that my husband is the provider. In my line of work, I’m not going to be making steady money anyway, so it works out with him as the provider with his steady job.

Other couples might be the opposite, maybe because the woman earns more money, but that’s no reason to rub it in your man’s face or remind him at all if you can avoid it.

When you’re planning out your finances with your partner, be assured that he will notice if you’re paying three bills and he’s paying two. He will notice if you’re buying him more drinks at the pub than he is for you.

It has nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with validating the way your man feels about financial things.

So the next time a guy wants to cover the bill, let him. Don’t cry out sexist if a guy offers to carry your luggage or opens a door. He’s being nice, you big silly.

Having talked about the importance of having an individual account, it’s time to talk about getting down to it: creating the shared account.

Creating the shared account is pretty easy, all said and done. You don’t even have to technically be married, in case you’re eager to give it a go before/without getting married.

All you really have to do is choose the bank – yours or your partner’s? Or perhaps a different bank entirely.

After you’ve done that, it’s relatively easy to add your partner’s name on your account, vice versa, or to create a new shared account. It’s all paperwork and deciding if you’d like the plain cheques or the ones with puppies on them. (Ladies, please don’t do this.)

What goes into the accounts is what you need to talk about next. How do you want to split up the bill payments? Is your shared account going to be purely a bill account? Do you want to calculate total monthly expenses and split down the middle or some other arrangement?

The answers to those questions will vary from couple to couple. As I mentioned before, my husband and I have it arranged so what I earn goes completely to my student and medical bills and what he earns goes toward our other expenses. He earns a lot more than I do, so this works out great for us.

That may not be the case for you and your partner; that’s why you need to talk about it.

Maybe you assume your partner will take care of the rent while your partner thinks it’ll be an even split. Little assumptions now can lead to big problems later. The saying “assume makes an ass of you and me” isn’t around for no reason.

What you need to do is sit down and make a list of the monthly bills and split them into two columns – luxuries and necessities. Decide what you can and can’t afford and then decide how to split the costs.

It might be one long night to do it, but it will be a much longer fight in the future that you’ll avoid by doing it.

Last week I touched on the issue of couple finances and finding what is right for you and your relationship. At the end of the post, I said, “Be wary of anyone who insists on you giving up all your individual accounts.”

Today I’d like to explore that more. First things first, it’s not bad, paranoid, or against your relationship to keep an individual bank account that your partner never gets to see.

A big thing an abuser does is slowly (or quickly, depending) take control of all the aspects of his/her partner’s life. As you can imagine, a huge one is the bank account. If someone has no access or watched access to money, then they have one less resource that could help him/her out of the situation.

No, I’m not saying your partner is or will be an abuser, but I’m sure some abused spouses didn’t think it would happen when they got married and were left without their own account as a result.

That all being said, no, it’s not right to have thousands of dollars stashed away, be struggling to pay bills, and not tell your partner. There are grey areas to everything. However, that’s not the point I’m trying to make.

A lot of people may feel guilty about wanting to keep an individual account for some of their money. But you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty whatsoever.

Think of your individual account as:
*Your play money
*Your ‘unwatched’ money
*Your personal emergency fund
*Your resource in case something happens with your spouse

Some people may think keeping an individual account is inviting or expecting trouble, but it truly isn’t. Think about it this way: Do you really want someone to be able to track every dollar you spend?

True, that may not be possible, but having your own account is having your own space, your own money, your own whatever to do with as you please. And, inviting trouble or not, it is also your resource for emergencies if something happens and you need to get away from your spouse without being traced.

You do not need to feel guilty for keeping a personal account. You do not need to feel guilty if having only a shared account does not feel comfortable to you. You do not need to feel guilty if you don’t want any shared accounts.

Preparedness is not paranoia. Do what’s right for you.

I’m hosting part of a progressive dinner blog carnival on Fiction Scribe!

Have you ever been to a progressive dinner? You start out at one house or restaurant to have hors d’oeuvres and cocktails, then move on to a different one for appetizers, and continue moving from place to place all the way through dessert.

That’s the idea behind the new Progressive Dinner Blog Carnival…

Soup To Nuts is ONE BLOG CARNIVAL presented in five “courses”, each with a different host.

Entries are being accepted NOW.
Dinner will be served on Wednesday, January 30th.

{You can submit one post, per blog, on any subject - please do not use any post more than once}

You can participate in 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 courses

(more…)

Hello everyone!

For this round of Thursday Thirteen, I would like to get to know you, the readers. I would like to know where you’re coming from just to get to know you and so I get an idea of things you would like to read about on this site.

Feel free to answer any or all of the questions in the comments section or use your answers to these questions for your own Thursday Thirteen.

If you opt for the latter, please leave a link in the comments section letting me know you’ve done so.

1. Single, dating, married, common law marriage…?
2. If not single, how long have you been with your partner?
3. How did you meet?
4. If you could change one thing about your relationship, what would it be?
5. If you could guarantee one thing about your relationship would never change, what would it be?
6. What is the thing you love the most about your partner?
7. Your partner’s worst habit?
8. What is your most common relationship trip-up? (What most often leads to conflict?)
9. Have you ever/would you ever go to relationship counseling?
10. Do you have any children?
11. What is your biggest relationship concern?
12. What are your relationship-related plans for the future?
13. What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done?

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at Fiction Scribe, Write Anyway, and The Book Stacks

With the coming of the New Year also comes many New Year’s resolutions. With the state of many economies around the world, it’s no wonder that a lot of those resolutions have to do with money.

Whether it’s saving up for your wedding, your first house, or putting money away in that baby account, money is a very important thing for couples.

And not always the easiest thing to share.

There are plenty of things that can influence your financial relationship: Whether one of you or both of you work, who makes more, your financial goals, etc.

Today I’m going to focus on the beginning of the financial relationship.

When you’re moving in together, what do you do? Do you open a shared account and that’s it? Do you keep separate accounts only?

I believe the best balance is a shared account out of which bills are paid along with at least one account for each partner is the best way to go, but that’s just my opinion.

Essentially, you have to figure out what is comfortable for you and not be afraid to say what you want/need.

My husband and I have a shared account and our own individual accounts. What I earn from working from home goes to paying my student loans and medical bills because it’s important to me as a person to pay my own bills. My husband understands that.

He takes care of food, electricity, rent, etc. Basically, living expenses. Yes, it’s a big difference in income and bill payments, but it’s what works for us and our personalities.

Above all, discuss this before you get married. Be wary of anyone who insists on you giving up all your individual accounts.