Long Relationships

Hello everyone! Last week I had the pleasure of reviewing Leslie Oren’s online dating guide. I am very pleased to say Ms. Oren was willing to do an interview with me!

Please join me in welcoming her to Long Relationships.

Hello and thank you for stopping at Long Relationships, Ms. Oren. Tell us a bit about yourself.

• I’m originally from New York, but have lived in Los Angeles for the last 18 years. I actually started out in the music business, then segued into PR – working for national agencies at first, and then for the Hollywood studios. I’m currently senior vice president, publicity, for Fox Television Studios, one of several studios at Fox that develops and produces television shows.

You’ve written the book Fine, I’ll Go Online! The Hollywood Publicist’s Guide to Successful Internet Dating. Did you ever think that you would someday be giving women all over the world dating advice?

• No, I can’t say that I saw that one coming!

What or who caused you to take that final leap and turn all the advice you’d been giving into a book?

• It actually happened quite organically. I started dating online about six years ago and had a lot of success doing it – meaning that I consistently met quality men with whom I had fun dates. Some were just basic first or second dates – nothing to write home about, but still perfectly pleasant – but some turned into more substantial relationships. As I talked about these experiences with friends, I started to realize that the nuts and bolts that seem necessary for successful online dating were things I did automatically by virtue of my job as an entertainment publicist. For example, I knew how to “pitch,� which means I knew how to write those first “grabby� emails and responses to potential dates.

I also knew how to present myself online in a compelling way, which means I knew it was important to post attractive, flattering photos that also were accurate, and knew it was vital to describe myself in a way that went beyond the generic or the cliché. Once I made that realization, I wanted to share the strategies with other women. At first, I tried out the advice casually with a few friends. When they started seeing good results, I got serious about writing a book.

What was the research like? Did it all come from personal experiences or did you also go out and talk to people about their online dating experiences?

• Most everything in the book comes from my own experiences. However, I spoke to many friends and acquaintances – male and female – about their online dating experiences, too – what tripped them up, what worked for them, etc. It was very important for me to get that feedback, especially from men.

I think one of the most important pieces of advice you give to women is to not lie. What would you say your most important piece of advice is?

• That’s a big one for me too – don’t lie!! It’s probably the best advice I give in the book because I believe it’s the most empowering. Being honest – which, by the way, doesn’t mean revealing everything – stops people from sending the message to themselves that they’re not OK as they are, and that they have to lie in order for others to be interested in them. The other piece of advice that I think is valuable is to rethink the definition of “success� online. Use the online landscape to take the pressure off the long-term goals of dating. Count every positive outing as a success and a reason to keep going. This not only helps perpetuate good energy which results in more online dates, it encourages that attitude out in the offline world, too.

One of the things I enjoyed about your book is that I can apply a lot of the advice you give in other areas such as résumés and job interviews. Are there any more plans for Hollywood publicist’s guides in the future?

• I’m getting that question a lot! I definitely have plans for a second book – we’ll see if it evolves into another Hollywood Publicist’s Guide. That’s definitely a possibility.

A lot of authors I talk to have busy lives and someone working as a publicist would certainly be no exception! How did you find time to write? (And date, for that matter.)

• That was challenging. It all came down to discipline. My job keeps me pretty busy during the week, and the hours can be long, so writing at night on the weekdays was not very productive for me. Primarily, I wrote every weekend for about 10 months to finish the entire first manuscript. And, yes, it’s ironic: I dated very little during the time I wrote the book. But I jumped right back in when it was finished!

Do you have any more words of advice to ladies thinking about taking a dip in the online dating pool?

• Know that online dating is a great and very efficient way to date. There is no stigma. It’s not a commentary on your ability to find dates through what we used to call “normal� means like meeting at a party or function, or being fixed up on blind dates. Be proud that you’re exploring all the available methods to find a healthy relationship and – we hope – true love.

Thank you very much for your time.

Happy Friday!

Hello and welcome to your weekend homework assignment. Every Friday I try to give you a little assignment that should be fun or meaningful to you. Some are more fun than others, some are more serious than others. Either way, I try to make it something for your benefit.

For this weekend, I have something for you to do that you have probably heard of or even done, if not thought about doing before.

Death is not a pleasant thing to think about, thus we don’t think about it when we don’t have to. Whether or not we think we are immortal or just take life for granted varies from person to person, but mostly we don’t think about it until something serious happens.

This weekend I want you to not think about your death so much as think about what you want to say to people. If today was your last day, what would you say to people?

Would you remind people how much you love them? Would you tell your son/daughter that you really thought the graffiti wall in their bedroom was a cool idea but they didn’t ask permission so you had to go through with punishment?

Think about what you would say on your last day and take the chance to say it. I know that’s easier said than done, so if you can’t say the words face to face, try writing letters. Keep journals for each member of your family and write letters to them.

When push comes to shove in my love, one of the things I know I can count on is my husband’s support. It’s an amazing knowledge that I’ve never had in my life before and am immensely grateful for. Knowing he’s always there to support me through everything is one of the reasons I know we’re in this for the rest of our lives.

Because he’s so wonderful to me, I enjoy doing nice things for him. Just because gifts are some of the best because they’re unasked for and unexpected. They come from your heart. They’re also my favourite presents to give.

I hope you’ll enjoy showing the one you love how much you love him/her.

1. His/her favourite candy bar.
2. His/her favourite food.
3. A new pair of slippers.
4. Massage.
5. A home cooked meal.
6. Homemade “coupon book� for things like a free hug, free night at the pub, free massage…
7. An e-card.
8. Chocolate body paint.
9. A movie night filled with his/her favourite movies.
10. Movie tickets.
11. Little things the s/he wants/needs but won’t buy for him/herself.
12. For the tech-people: Buy his/her name.com domain name for him/her.
13. Have something s/he will enjoy delivered to him/her at work.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens at The Book Stacks, Fiction Scribe, and Write Anyway

Not all long relationships are romantic or even fun.

Some relationships we don’t get to choose.

The family relationship is a strange one because it comes with so many more strings than any other relationships. Society has so much to say about the family. ‘Love your mother.’ ‘Obey your father.’ ‘Be nice to your siblings.’ So on and so forth.

No wonder we get so mixed up.

With same sex parents, divorces, remarriages, step-families, etc, today’s family isn’t at all like what it used to be. A lot of us grow up with messages that are vastly different than our parents or their parents grew up with, and that’s only if our families are clear about what’s going on.

Things get ultimately more confusing if you grow up with no one explaining to you why your best friend has two sets of grandparents like a ‘normal’ family and you have three or four.

The thing to remember about families is they can be great long relationships…and they can be some of the worst. Like my husband says, the people you have no choice to be around have a greater responsibility to treat you right. A friend who treats you wrong is a little bit your fault because you chose them; a family member who treats you wrong is just wrong.

In the future, I will be talking about families, their role in our lives, and other family-related things. If there is anything specific you would like me to touch on, don’t hesitate to let me know.

I’ve already talked about chronic illness and how it affects long term relationships. However, I didn’t get into it very deeply, which I would like to do today.

Being with a partner who has a chronic illness can be stressful on both partners no matter what the illness is. Depending on the severity, it can be an occasional reminder or a daily struggle.

Now comes the statement that might get me in a little trouble with some people, but keep reading:

It’s okay to be mad at your spouse because s/he is ill.

Being mad at someone who gets attention, support, care, love, etc – especially when that all comes from you as well as others – is normal. We all want some love and attention sometimes. Having someone around who requires more than other people can be frustrating.

It doesn’t make your partner any less of a person for needing more and it doesn’t make you any less of a person for feeling frustrated.

Don’t suppress your feelings because they’ll just come out in a rush later exactly when you don’t want them to. Once you start accepting how you feel about things, you can take the steps needed to help you deal with those feelings.

If you are with someone with chronic illness, remember to take some time to yourself. This will help your long relationship continue on even longer. Indulge in your favourite food or activity when you can and appreciate yourself as a human being. Talk to friends about how you are feeling.

I can almost guarantee there is a support group either online or in your community for people who are friends/family/partners of people with chronic illness. Allow yourself to let go and talk about how you are feeling with people who know what you are going through.

Your long relationship will benefit from it.

Hello everyone!

I recently had the pleasure of reading Leslie Oren’s book Fine, I’ll Go Online! The Hollywood Publicist’s Guide to Successful Internet Dating. Being the happily married lady I am, I wondered if I would find the book a chore to read. However, the fact that my husband and I met online and later married made me want to give this guide a chance. Leslie says many of the things I say to people when they talk about the ’stigma’ when it comes to online dating…

Leslie starts the book exactly how I expected a good publicist should: She pitched her idea and let you know exactly why she’s qualified to be giving you advice. Why does the pitch work in a book? Because it’s a book designed to guide, and Leslie makes you feel safe. She let’s you know you’ll be working with a professional from here on out when it comes to your online dating life – a professional who happens to have lived and learned by taking her own advice!

Though the book is designed to guide and coming from a Hollywood publicist, you might feel like things might get overwhelming and confusing. That’s not the case with this online dating diva because she talks to you like the older sister who has been dating online and knows exactly what you’re going through no matter what step you are at.

What I love about this book is that Leslie not only speaks with confidence, but she also acknowledges things can be very scary. She gives you end of chapter recaps of what she’s talked about as well as breaking up the chapters with short (all about half a page) stories about people she knows who have met their love online.

Leslie truly provides a step-by-step guide. You don’t have to worry about being left to wonder “where do I go from here” after the first email or even after the first date. She guides you from on the computer to out on the town and back again, which I found very impressive.

If you are nervous about getting into online dating or even if you haven’t tried the big singles’ sites yet, I highly recommend this book. Leslie will make you feel at ease and will help you to acknowledge your feelings all along the way while helping you to present the best of yourself (without lying about anything!).

Ah, another Friday, another weekend to look forward to. Well, my weekend is already rather full of work and volunteering that I have to do, but that’s the way it goes.

This week I have been talking about sex, the subject a lot of people probably didn’t expect me to talk about. However, it’s an important issue between couples that can make things very good as well as very bad.

This weekend, your ‘homework assignment’ should be something you find fun. It may take a bit of planning, but it can be fun if you try to do it spontaneously as well.

I would like you to try one thing (or your own variation of one) from the Thursday Thirteen list. It can introduce a little spice into your bedroom relationship, a lot of spice, or, should you choose, it can merely open the door to long and meaningful discussions about what you both want/need out of your sex lives.

Choose whichever option you think sounds like fun or whatever you feel needs to be done. Keep your partner in mind at all times as well, though. You don’t want to scare or overwhelm him/her.

Keep in mind that if your partner is refusing sex, don’t lay blame. Talk about it, use “I” statements, and stay calm. Understand that as hard as it is for you to talk about something or introduce something into the bedroom, it might be just as hard or nerve-wracking for your spouse.

Understanding is the key.

An open mind helps a lot, too.

Good luck and have fun!

The thing to remember when your significant other withholds sex is that it isn’t the end of the relationship. If your significant other withholds sex on a regular basis, it means there are problems, but it doesn’t necessarily spell the end disaster either.

If you are the partner withholding sex, you need to keep in mind that genuinely not being in the mood once in a while is normal. However, if you keep refusing, your refusals are no longer just refusals. Keep in mind that the more you refuse the bigger shot you take at your partner’s ego, confidence (in the bedroom and otherwise), self image, and a lot of other things.

Now that you know withheld sex is not the end of your relationship, you need to know that it can be.

While French maid outfits or handcuffs might be giggle-worthy to read about, if that’s what it takes to help you back into a healthy sexual relationship then you need to take it seriously. If sitting down and having a one-on-one about both your wants/needs is what it takes, then you have to do it if you want your relationship to survive.

Some things to keep in mind before deciding it’s time to bring up the sex talk with your partner:

If your partner is a woman keep in mind that it can take a woman about twenty minutes to ‘get into it’. It’s the price we pay for multiple orgasms. Mind space for sex is important. Also keep in mind hormones have a lot to do with it as well. Different times mean different chances of getting her aroused.

If your partner is a man don’t subscribe to the idea put around the world that men can do it any time and any place. Some men can, just like some women can get off just as fast as a man. However, some men need the right head space like some women need the right head space. Sometimes we’re not always as different as you might think.

No matter what, keep your partner’s wants, needs, and life in mind when you go for sex. When your partner refuses, take note of the day, what your partner’s day has been life, what time of the month it is (this sounds sexist, but pay special attention to this if your partner is a woman. Some women can’t get enough sex at the time of the month and other women can’t stand to be touched.)

If there’s no consistency, there may be a problem, but if you’re always asking on Wednesdays when it’s his/her big meeting day or day to run the play group, that could be the reason behind the refusal.

Talking about sex can be hard, but it can also be fun. If your partner is refusing sex, maybe it’s not so much talking that needs to be done as generating ideas for new play. Here to help you along to figuring out how to begin the conversation is…

1. No matter which method you use, talk about sex using “I” statements. Saying ‘you’ makes the other person feel defensive.
2. Try introducing something new into your lovemaking. A little bottle of chocolate body paint could be fun. perhaps a blindfold might be fun as well. Start small. Then talk about if it worked or not.
3. Try a new position. Sick of the missionary? Find a position which will be easy for you to introduce and do it. You can then talk about what worked/didn’t work about it.
4. Lingerie. This might be portrayed in the movies/on television as the last ditch effort, but it most certainly is not. A little slinky something or other (you don’t have to pay a fortune if you don’t want) can be just the new thing to get your partner interested. From then on you can slowly start talking about other things that your partner might like.
5. Costumes. This is kind of the same as lingerie, but a bit more interesting. It can also help you with a discussion opener. “I thought it would be fun to try a costume, and I was wondering if you had any interests…”
6. A hot bath beforehand. Maybe the reason behind everything is that your partner is stressed. A hot bath says you’re thinking of your partner and opens the path to talking about stresses that could be stopping your lovemaking. Not too hot. Warm is the temperature to help your partner relax and more easily become aroused.
7. Do something for your partner. This goes along the lines of the hot bath. Seeing you doing something that’s normally your partner’s responsibility can be one of the sexiest things ever. It might not work all the way to the bedroom, but even if it doesn’t it will still be greatly appreciated.
8. Buy a sex book. The often-illustrated sex books can be your key to opening the doors of discussion about sex as well as finding new avenues to explore.
9. Declare naked time. It will likely be hard at first - especially for people who are insecure about their bodies, but naked time can be the most freeing, comfortable time you’ll ever discover. It might also help you raise each others’ confidence about your bodies.
10. Food. Food, food, food. Try something new or fun. It can be the beginning of a great romp and/or a great conversation. “No, I don’t really like the whipped cream, but I would like…” See what I’m getting at?
11. Bring home some porn. Yep, good old fashioned porn. Maybe it’ll only go so far as helping get you in the mood, but it might give you both some ideas as well.
12. Read a romance novel. Reading a romance novel - or even skimming one - can give you an excuse to break the ice in the sex talk. “I was reading this book and was wondering…”
13. If all else fails, gather your courage and ask your partner to talk. It might be hard, but if it’s between you feeling a little bit embarrassed and your relationship possibly failing, what is it going to be?

Good luck! And good fun as well.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteens on Write Anyway, The Book Stacks, and Fiction Scribe

One of the biggest problems I hear about it the simple refusal of sex. He or she doesn’t want to participate as much as the other partner would like.

However, when it comes to sex, saying more is a lot more than simply saying no.

When your partner refuses sex every once in a while that is okay and, in some cases, to be expected. Men and women both (despite what you’ve heard of men and insta-hard dicks) need a little mental preparation for sex. Some more than others for both sexes.

Whether or not you need little mental preparation, it’s your responsibility as a good partner to understand your partner’s wants and needs. Maybe your partner likes a clothes-ripping-off good time or perhaps a bit of tickling and nibbling is more appropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask and experiment.

But what if you get stopped before you’ve barely started?

That’s where the big problems start coming in.

The thing to remember about refusing your partner is it can be detrimental to your partner’s ego, self-confidence, sense of relationship stability, and other things as well. This isn’t to mean you should be having sex because you feel guilty that your partner isn’t getting as much sex as s/he needs, but you should examine the causes of your refusing. (Or encourage your partner to examine the real reasons behind his/her refusals.

Being refused can very easily start you on a path to self doubt and relationship doubt. That’s why it’s so important to communicate clearly about your wants and needs in regards to sexual behavior. Don’t feel guilty bringing up something. If you have a problem, it will come out in one way or another, so it’s good to get it out sooner before it starts affecting other areas of your lives.

Come back for more posts on what to do if s/he refuses you.

Sex. Where do you even get started?

No, don’t take that literally.

When it comes to the subject of sex, you’ll get many different reactions depending on who you talk to. It can be one of the easiest things to talk about between some couples, and the hardest to talk about between others.

Why is this?

Well, let’s start with the basics. At its core, sex isn’t just about procreation. Yeah, that’s what I said. Yes, sex may be an act, but it’s about social connections, romantic connections, as well as procreation. Sometimes it’s about domination. Sometimes it’s about celebration. Sex is more than just one simple thing.

Add in stigmas, beliefs, kinks, and all the other fun stuff, and it’s no wonder it’s hard to talk about.

However, there will come a time when you’ll have to simply gather your courage and talk about it. If you don’t, you could be growing the seeds of the destruction of your long relationship without even realizing it. When there is something wrong in the bedroom, it can affect all other areas of life, so, as embarrassing or hard (or not hard, as the case may be) as it might be, you just have to do it.

Another thing to remember when it comes to talking about sex is you have to figure out your own thoughts, beliefs, and kinks when it comes to the act. It may be hard, but if you know where you stand, it’s going to be a lot easier to talk to your partner about where s/he stands.

Ah, sex.

Yes, I had to talk about it sooner or later. I’m not getting into positions, toys, and porn, so thing should be decent for most readers. However, I’m not going to hide content. An under eighteen can read something behind a ‘read more’ tag just as easily as anyone else.

Sex can be a tricky thing because, as much as you might want to ignore it, it is a basic part of romantic relationships.

I’ll always remember what my childhood pastor told me about relationships:

There are three basic parts that need to be in balance in a relationship – the physical, the emotional, and the mental.

You can’t ignore it; the physical is part of it, too. Sex is part of a romantic relationship whether you like it or not.

A big problem with sex and relationships is when one partner doesn’t want to have sex while the other does. It’s a no win situation for the partner who wants but doesn’t get because the other option is to stray outside the relationship.

Not good for any relationship.

What is also bad for relationships is the twisted view people seem to have about sex today. Sex has been made into a naughty, dirty, sinful act, so it can be one of the hardest things to talk about even in romantic relationships.

This week I will be talking about both issues – the no win situation for the spouse in need as well as society’s view on sex (which I know is going to make me quite unpopular with some people). I’ll also share a few ideas and tips on how you can talk with your partner about sex and sexually related things.

Fun times ahead!

Every now and then I like to check in and see what the readers think about what I am doing and what I have been posting about. If you have any comments, requests of any sort, or ideas for what could make the site better, feel free to put a comment in the comment section.

Thank you!