Long Relationships

A new has found that the way men and women view a kiss can be quite different. The results of the study undertaken by the New York State University uncovered some fascinating differences in attitudes between the two sexes.

The team quizzed over 1,000 students; they found that while men used it to increase the likelihood of sex, women used it to asses the kissed as a potential partner and, in long-term relationships, to check the status of the relationship. However, a first kiss was viewed as important by both men and women. A separate survey within the study found that 59% of men and 66% of women reported losing interest in some
body they had been attracted too after the first kiss.

Surveyed men were more willing to have sex with somebody they considered a bad kisser or else somebody they had not kissed at all. Perhaps unsurprisingly they were also more willing to agree to sex with someone they felt no attraction for at all. After initial contact is made it doesn’t end there; women, unlike men, placed a stress on kissing as a means of maintaining intimacy through out a relationship. Men, however, see kissing as important in reconciling an argument, 70% thought kissing could end a fight as opposed to 58% of females.

Differences also emerged in the types of kisses that the sexes preferred. Men preferred wetter kisses and made little discrimination between short and long-term partners where as women preferred wetter kisses with only long-term partners. Males were also more likely to prefer more tongue contact with short-term partners which is probably a product of men seeing kissing much more as a means to lead-in to sex. As sexual relations progressed women maintained a pretty consistent view of the importance of kissing while for men it was significantly less important during and after sex.

Commenting on the results, Dr Glenn Wilson, an expert in relationships at London’s Institute of Psychiatry attributed these differences to women needing to test more:
“Kissing is used by everyone as a bonding and testing mechanism.

But the fact is women are more discriminatory than men. Men can just go out and spread their seed, but women have to take more responsibility because of the consequences and so they are likely to want to test more.”

(Source: BBC News)

However, the results tend to reinforce the view that for women the physical is much more closely tied to the emotional side of a relationship and some may say sadly tends to also reinforce the stereotype that men are much less interested in the emotional side of a relationship with their primary goal being physical gratification. Men also come out of the survey looking a little usurious; seeing kissing as a means to achieve that satisfaction rather than expression of or testing of a deeper emotional bond. Whichever view you take of it, it is perhaps worth remembering that when you or your partner are next in a passionate embrace that your partner it may mean more to them than you think.

Affairs of the heart are the most complicated phenomena known to mankind – forget Pythagoras theorem or astrophysics. Finding that special one, the one that lasts and produces sensations and experiences without compare, is tricky and most of us have to go through the agony of breaking-up at some stage in our romantic lives.

Rejection and the feelings stirred by that are hard to deal with. If you are dump your ex then, sure you might be disappointed, but ultimately it wasn’t what you wanted. You may experience a pang of remorse or regret, but in reality you are glad its not you left wondering why and feeling completely inadequate. So, being on the ball in the relationship is crucial. If you grin and bear an obviously impossible situation or fail to read the runes on your partner’s feelings then you will probably end up in the rejected pile anyway. No matter how much you are told it ‘wasn’t you’ you can’t quite accept it wasn’t. Ultimately it’s you who is being told that, for whatever reason, you don’t make the grade anymore.

Getting closure depends on the precise manner and means of the break-up; having sorted out the wherefores the next most crucial question is why. Obviously if you were cheating or committing some such other obvious relationship sin then the reason should be obvious. However, if you are no definite reason then your mind, already convinced that you are at fault, wanders off in various dark directions: Was I bad in bed? Did I mistreat the person in question? Is there somebody else involved? A vague reason increase the scope of self-torture but it can cruelly prolongs hope since it gives the appearance that your ex-partner doesn’t know their own mind and thus ipso facto maybe be swayed back.

Of course, being told you are being left for somebody else may be immensely painful but at least it’s conclusive and allows greater scope for closure. It’s a bit like the difference between having your arm cut off with a kitchen knife or a samurai sword. I was less than impressed when I was rejected on the grounds of the imminent pregnancy of my other half – not with my child of course, but with her alleged ex’s. However, looking back i recognise that split as being less painful than others.

Cure-All

After the axe falls there are plenty of cure all phrases to patch up a broken heart. All of them contain a grain of truth but are pretty redundant at the time. Plenty more fish may swim your way from the sea but if fishing was what you wanted to do with your time you would have spent more time with Uncle Tom down by the river bank and less on kiss chase behind the bike sheds. Besides, if it was other girls you had wanted then you would have been dating other girls not your most recent amore.

For the more pro-active, there is the classic ’the best way to get over somebody is get under somebody else’. I can’t say i have any direct experience that proves the benefits of this strategy. However, i have seen convincing evidence for the prosecution from a few of my friends. Thinking off the top of my head i have yet to encounter anybody who has recovered from a serious emotional blow through lashings of casual sex. Sure its good fun for one night and you feel wanted again but by the time the alka-seltzer dissolves so has that feeling. The connection you had with your ex was much more intimate and personal than the one you will ever have with that big-busted brunette or strapping hunk from the local club.

However, my maxim is the emotional equivalent: You can’t fully move on until you have somewhere to move too. Most of us need love as much as we need food. When we are children we get that mostly off of our immediate relations and parents. Adulthood however sees us looking further a-field. Comfort for a broken heart from friends and family is of course helpful but it is no substitute for what you have just lost. This may frustrate those around you but it is the truth; in reality their goal should be to nurse the shattered heart back to health and then let it fly free again.

No-contact is often advised and can be very effective but it is one of those things that can be easier said than done. If it is a route that you are going to take then make sure it is maintained; if you find yourself reaching for the text button then prime friends to stop you or set-up little reminders n your phone of why you shouldn’t, of course you could easily just delete the number (and email etc) to remove temptation altogether.

Friendly ex’s.

One of the commonest forms of an unclean break is the very sticky and very complicated world of post-relationship friendships. Here the necessity of cleanliness becomes even greater. If f lovers become friends then the kind of emotional pressure generated by a split can immediately throw the friendship into crisis.

In my experience, ex’s can never be just another friend. How many of your friends have you seen naked and/or slept with? Who is thinking one or two now? Even more interestingly who is thinking three or four? Seriously though there is a difference; friendly ex’s have a kind of intimate knowledge friends will never have, both emotional and physical. Ex’s thus end up in a kind of emotional limbo, somewhere between being more than friends but less than partners. Things really are never the same again.

Is it best to try and be friends afterwards? Of the two exs who i still have closest contact with neither friendship was particularly stable for a long time. We sniped and alluded to things unsaid and feelings buried deep.

I think generally it’s wrong to rush into friendship, especially if one party is badly injured. Space and time to heal and readjust is what is needed. Trying to carry on a friendship relationship immediately afterwards allows for no or improper closure. One party has to watch the other suffer and the other is left with a painful sliver of hope lodged in there heart like the tip of a dagger. So, guilt and recrimination corrode the friendship.

Friendship is often offered as a consolation prize. ‘Well at least you aren’t going to lose me totally….’, but of course you are. You are losing a connection which meant so much more. It is a bit like having a BMW, writing it off, and then being offered a Mini as a replacement car. True, you won’t be without a car but, for the first few weeks or months you are painfully aware that you had something so much better before.

It’s hard to pronounce generally on something which is so specific to personal to each situation. Some people slot back into friendship straight away but for others it simply doesn’t work. Relationships are complicated, confusing things which often appear to cause more heartache than they worth. Any assumption that all of this magically stops when they end is far from the truth.

Behaving badly

Let’s be clear on one thing, ‘writing the book’ on relationships is neigh on impossible; experiences and individuals vary too much for that. Even ‘rules’ that you would think would be hard and fast such as ‘thou shalt not cheat’ can be complicated. For example, it is my heartfelt view that an abusive partner abrogates all right to moral consideration and thus somebody cheating on an abusive partner (who may also feel that their safety is under threat if they leave) is not, in my eyes, somebody who should be morally condemned.

Deadly relationship sins such as cheating aside how can you define bad behaviour? Lying, ignoring you, trampling on, manipulating or harming your feelings are all bad behaviour but feelings exist in the ether of our minds. It is in the real world that these problems play out; to take an example, looking at pornography behind your partners back (which is likely to harm their self-esteem) would be bad behaviour. However, if you have told your partner you like porn and want to look at it and they have said it is ok then it is not bad behaviour.

Appreciate the value of setting boundaries; after all if you don’t actually know what your other half considers bad behaviour then it is hard to know when you are in danger of crossing that line. The fact is that each individual has their own set of values through which they judge other people so it is best that you know your partners. If you don’t assert yourself then it is likely that you will soon find yourself trampled on. The person sitting opposite you is your *partner* not your master or mistress except in the bedroom, if that is what floats your boat.

This is equally important to remember when setting boundaries. For example, you may feel your partner spends too much time out and not enough with you but just when do you cross that fine line from justifiably claiming more attention from your partner to being possessive. Balance is the key. So, in our example you may tell your partner you want to spend Friday night with you but let them have some guilt-free gallivanting with friends on Saturday. Thus we see the microcosm of a perfect trade-off; you have gained a Friday night together and your partner has gained their space entitlement, both have given and received something.

Sometimes, invariably the line will be crossed but ‘Tit-for-tat’ is always a bad idea in relationships because nine times out of ten it spirals downwards into a murky place. Sometimes it learns the badly behaved a lesson but that is very very rare; if you say you have forgiven something then part of that package is the implicit promise not to retaliate. If you do then you cannot truly say you have forgiven that transgression; also you cede that valuable moral high ground which everybody scrambles for when the relationship goes ‘west-side’ and it begins to resemble a scene from Machivellis Italy.

Dealing with bad behaviour requires a firm but fair hand; or else you end up in the ‘grey area’ between sainthood and sinner status. If you show the same lack of understanding and care for your partner then they will not improve their behaviour because they will see no reason too and begin to feel that one set of rules operates for you and a different set for them. You also have to remember that your partner is an adult, not a naughty child although similar strategies can apply. Of course, if the transgression is bad enough then you are going to consider breaking-up but that is a different story.

So, you have got this far in and you are still none the wiser as to how you can minimise your own ‘bad behaviour’. Let’s start by establishing some ground-rules:

1) Consideration: As the Sunscreen song puts it: “sometimes you are ahead and sometimes you are behind”. Your partner is a human being and they have all the same needs, wants and foibles as any other human being plus their own peculiar ones. Often it is the peculiar ones that cause the most problems. It is my view this problem stems from the fact that sometimes partners lose sight of their partner as a separate, free-standing, individual from them and view everything in terms of the unit.

Going back to the original point, sometimes you will be naturally the most considered and others you will not. It is only fair that this is the way. Absolutist demands that you are always considered first will soon find you rejected; on the other hand there are times when it is quite right that you demand your feelings etc are giving primacy. The trick is, as always, knowing when is the right time to sit back and when is the right time to assert yourself.

2)Communication: It is my passionate belief that most relationship problems can be solved by more of this; however, sometimes the problems themselves inhibit it, for example I have been in conversations where I have been well aware that me and my partner are talking ‘at’ each other and not too each other at all. If communication is breaking down then you are often better discontinuing the conversation since it is likely to become a blazing row very soon.

However, if you don’t talk to your other half then there is little to no chance of you ever resolving the problem and sometimes not even of knowing what the problem is. Atmosphere and preparation can aid communication in all sorts of ways but the key thing to remember is to actually do it!!

3) Hard-work: This is self-explanatory. I never tire of pointing out that even those most idealistic romantic stories include an ‘awkward middle’ when the key question is ‘will they, won’t they’? The myth of a smooth, uninterrupted path to true love is just that, a myth. Most, if not all, relationships are hard work, dammed hard work which sometimes can seem never to end; the general idea is that the rewards outweigh the price you pay.
If you are not willing to do the work then it speaks ill of your view of that person. We can all be hard work at times and a little sacrifice is sometimes necessary. If you not willing to make that effort then you really need to question why you are in a relationship with a person that you are not willing to work with.

However, if you are doing all the giving and no receiving; or else you feel you are receiving a helping of Trill compared to the gourmet meal you offer, then sitting back and taking it can cause just as many problems. You being to find fault and paradoxically demand more than you would normally to compensate: borrowing a phrase, its like asking for $5, being refused then asking for $50. Your demands become more absolutist and the ‘behaviour line’ becomes blurred. You demand more than you should but your partner gives less than they should so you become like two tectonic plates grating off of each other; with an eruption inevitable.

Bad behaviour left unchecked can be a relationship killer. So, next time you or your partner is behaving badly act quickly.