Long Relationships

Relationships are amazingly complicated things. We all have them and there is a wealth of media out there detailing the relationship experience. Of course, when they go well they are stuff of fairy tales but when they go wrong then that is when the complications kick in. Who do we turn to when our little piece of heaven starts clouding over?

Most of us turn to our friends for a spare shoulder and advice. If that fails then there is always a wealth of self-help books and websites out there, not to mention the numerous agony aunts and uncles. Dear Cupid is an advice site with a twist - not only can you seek advice but you can offer your own too by simply registering for a free account. Currently there are well over 4000 agony aunts signed up for an account, this means that when you ask a question you can expect a diverse spread of opinion.

This is, of course, can be both a plus and a minus. On the one hand you will get opinions that come from many different angles and experiences and on the other many people will fear stupid or hurtful responses. However, in all fairness to the site’s owners they operate a tight moderation policy and you can expect to be treated well by both site regulars and those passing through. A rating system is also in place for questions and answers which is a further way of maintaining some kind of quality monitor. If all else fails then it is possible to vote for answers to be removed.

Registration for the site is relatively painless and all-in-all it is worth it because you can ‘build’ your presence much easier and interact more with the community. Also, you never know when your individual experience is going to make a difference for somebody else. Your profile is a little simplistic allowing for a short bio and a link along with a picture. Any questions and answers you ask will be logged in ‘your column’ so your record on the site is clearly visible. You can also readily access any follow-ups from question askers as they are marked.

Asking a question and receiving a response is a relative quick process and it is simple to do. However, one slight quibble might be that there is no facility to link back so if you want to ‘update’ a situation you either need to ask a new question (if you want to get some attention) or post a follow-up which could be buried. Questions encompassing all type of relationships are covered and grouped together by category so you can find others are having the same problem as you and see what responses they got.

In addition to the main Q&A section there are also forums for lighter discussions and the facility to mail each individual aunt in private. This adds to the interactivity of the site and they are welcome additions. Design is functional but not spectacular; all-in-all that is the overall tone of the site. It functions and in some way excels at what it does but does not push boundaries. However, given its precise function this is no bad thing, the last thing you actually want when in emotional distress is to be assaulted by bells and whistles, what you want is something simple and easy to get to grips with. If you are in need of advice and looking for somewhere to turn then Cupid can help patch up a broken heart.

We all each have unique experiences of this thing we call love. As such, pinning down a precise definition of the word itself is challenging enough let alone categorising the sum total of human experience.

Starting at the beginning - not with a definitive definition of love but rather with my personal definition, as this is the only one I can reasonably give. Love is a connection. However, it is a different connection to any other; whether we are conscious of it or not we all form connections with those around us, our friends, family, partners, and even sometimes fleeting ones with complete strangers.

Love in its broadest sense can be applied to most of these connections. People love their friends and they love their kin but normally in a platonic way. So, is love just another emotional connection plus sex? Yes and no. Lust is an important part of love. It is in no way shallow to say that you must lust after your partner in some-way, it is just a fact. Remove lust and all you are left with is a close friendship. However, with just lust you are left with, in effect, a one night stand. Speaking personally I often find personality traits sexually interesting. To my mind some of the un-sexist people are often society’s deified icons of sex; model’s, for example, often have disturbingly vacant eyes something which turns me decidedly off. Loving somebody involves spending time with them outside the bedroom so it has to involve more than lust.

It’s supposed monogamous nature is one of the great love myth’s. Why is it perfectly socially acceptable to love more than one person in a friendship sense but not in a partner sense? Truly loving more than one person in a lifetime is entirely possible and, although I have no statistical proof, is most likely the norm.

Sad to say but sacrifice is an important part of love. It is also a necessary part. Acts of sacrifice play an important and often inspirational part in human culture because to a degree, greater or lesser, it involves us overcoming aspects of our own, innate, nature. If love was all about just the good times then it would not be half as treasured as it is. Of course, they must be those too but a view of love as just this, that it comes with no effort or sacrifice without obligation or responsibility, is not rounded but idealistic and blinkered. Ideals are fine but like everything else they always carry within them there own negation, there own negative.

Some would say love itself is an ideal and there is some truth to this but like most truth’s its one-sidedness it fails to recognise the very real experience of billions upon billions of people who are in a very real state called love. Here we find my ultimate defence of love. It’s real. It happens. Whether we have been in it or merely observed it nobody can deny that. I have just attended a wedding of two of my friends. Could you ask for any more tangible proof of actually existing love? Whatever happens to them in the future, and I sincerely wish nothing, in the moment of there marriage there is a proof of actually existing love that is tangible. It is as real as these words or the chair you are sitting on.

Anything that is capable of inspiring great good is also capable of inspiring great evil and vice versa - although things are harder that way, it is easier to destroy than create for example - and so it is with love. It has been with us in some form from when we were nothing but another animal and will remain with us until the sun sets on the ruins of our civilisation. No matter how many times we get burnt - and no doubt there will be more - love will always remain one of those great things that cut to the very essence of what we are as a species, something that makes us truly human.

A recent survey of moviegoers found that the pairing of Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen in George Lucas’s recent Star Wars trilogy was the ‘least convincing’ on-screen partnership. It was hardly a surprising result for those of us who felt that Christensen displayed all the acting talent of a wooden plank; squandering a golden opportunity to establish himself as a truly great actor.

Interestingly the most common complaint was that the relationship between Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker and Portman’s Padame Amidala lacked ‘lust’. Given that the pair were portrayed in their youth and teenage years this perhaps is revealing of an attitude that lust should be the predominate force in youthful relationships. However, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom also suffered in the poll for being “too stiff upper lip” in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Obviously we want excitement when we go the cinema. Sex sells and crackling sexual tension put’s bums on theatre seats. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing; Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidmen made ninth place for their roles in Stanley Kubrick’s highly sexually charged Eyes Wide Shut.

Simplicity is always good too, although too much simplicity is usually rejected as being ‘fake’ or cutesy. Although the movie was critically acclaimed at the time and did much to establish Hugh Grant as an acting force; his tryst with Andy McDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral came in a surprisingly high sixth. Despite this there is still room for old fashioned star-crossed romance as evidenced by the conviction in Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet’s Titanic performances.

Of course movies are escapism and what we are really looking for when we sit down popcorn in hand is what is lacking in our own relationships or else how we wished things were. Sadly, though they are based somewhat on how things are things rarely run as smoothly as they do in the movies (let’s be honest, we all know they will defiantly hook-up in the end). Real life is much more complex, something reflected by the fact that Cruise and Kidmen and fellow ‘duds’ Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck (Gigli) were together at the time of their screen flop.

However, that makes it even more special when eventually do end happily ever after.

Fear is one of the most potent human emotions that there is; it is rooted in our survival instincts. In the dim distant past fear would have saved many a early human from making that disastrous flip from hunting dinner to being the main course on another’s menu. Of course, modern fears tend to be a little different but if you think it through then they remain, in essence, based on the same strong desire for self-preservation. For example, fear of a broken heart or rejection is based on a desire for emotional self-preservation.

You put your hand in a flame, it burns and the fear of the pain prevents you from doing it again and so it is with relationships. Your ex cheats on you, treats you badly, messes with your head or your heart in anyway and you will carry that baggage over into your next relationship. Worse usually follows because you then find yourself acting (either consciously or unconsciously) in a way that will almost certainly drive your new amore away and fulfill all those promises made by that nagging voice.

One of the primary weapons in the battle against relationship fear is openness. However, this often hits a snag early on since nobody particularly wants to confess all within the first five seconds of meeting somebody new. Opening up is ideally something that should be gradual and should progress along a curve alongside the rest of the relationship. It should however not be stalled by the fear of letting somebody know how you feel; we guard our feelings intensely, sometimes too intensely.

Although fear and insecurity may have it’s rational kernel that doesn’t mean it stays on rational ground. Often it leads us to inflate things out of all proportion; in these cases a ‘just the facts’ approach is the best and but most difficult approach to take. Our instinct’s can often play a misleading and confusing role here. Somebody we know well and have spent a lot of time with is easy for us to read on many different levels however it is very easy to confuse a reading of somebody else with the manifestation and projection of our own fears onto the actions and behavior of another.

Battling your own fears is always said that is easier said than done. However, it is possible and you need to begin by reinforcing your more hopeful side. For example, if you are wondering why your partner chose you since in your own eyes you are patently not good enough then the first thing you need to remember is that your partner chose to be with you for good reasons. If they are not obvious to you then why don’t you simply ask? Caring and considerate partners will be helpful here and provide you with the reassurance that you need.

You should never be ashamed of being afraid of feel that it is somehow ‘stupid’. As I have already stated, fear stems from very real and often very bad experience, and besides it is a state of mind we all occupy and surrender too at sometimes in our lives. However, no matter how powerful it is it need not ruin our lives or our relationships; you can fight your own inner demons and win.