Long Relationships

This week, Tracey Cox, sex expert and author of Love Bytes at iVillage.com, claimed, “There’s one thing you need to get married: a proposal.” In her latest column, Cox described a way in which a girl might gauge whether or not her guy is ready to talk about marriage. The question at hand was, “How do you bring up the subject of marriage without feeling a desperate twit?”

In the hypothetical situation, the curious girlfriend breezily brings up the idea of marriage as a purely intellectual topic of social debate:

Simply say ‘I was reading a story in the paper today and marriage seems to go in and out of fashion. What do you think about it? Can you see yourself doing it someday?’ See where the conversation takes you and if you feel comfortable, follow this up with ‘Have you ever thought about us getting married?’

Subsequent bullet points describe the partner being confused and then hesitant. In the face of indefinite stalling, Cox recommends setting up a clear deadline:

… let him know the maximum time you’re prepared to wait. Don’t issue it as an ultimatum, just state a fact.

Mark the date in your diary and let him know about a month or two weeks before D-day. If he comes up with a good reason not to commit then, you might want to reconsider. But if he doesn’t and being married is more important to you than having a relationship with him – and there’s something to think about! – move on. You’ve given it your best shot but it just isn’t going to happen.

I raise my eyebrow at this plan of action because it assumes that men are so much more likely to be wary of commitment; they may not have even thought of it! Ever! Is that realistic? Can the mention of marriage really be that so-putting as to elicit a reaction of “absolute horror,” as Cox suggests? I doubt it. Then again, I suppose that if I were to have a partner who had no concept of a long-term relationship, I might have to think in terms of deadlines, not-ultimatums and “D-Day.” Walking on eggshells to avoid looking like “a desperate twit” doesn’t seem worth it to me.

I cringe at the idea implied in this article that simply arriving at the point of the proposal is the final step. There Goes the Bride, a website for “women and men with cold feet or broken engagements,” has over 2,000 registered forum users who discuss their misgivings, reasons for calling off their big days, and how they’ve coped with the emotional fallout. It’s not very romantic, but matter how much it sparkles, that ring is not an insurance policy.

At the heart of it, I believe that the real insecurity lies in potential disparities between the levels of commitment for each partner. The critical question is not whether or not a person is ready to sign on the dotted line of a marriage license, but rather, “How committed are you to making us a working unit?” The measure, then, is not how close a couple is to the big question, but how intent each person is in putting in the time and energy to crafting a meaningful and mutually beneficial partnership.

Cox titled her column, “Does He Plan to Marry You?” For both partners, I would rather ask different questions, each with its inherent why or why not:

Does he want to marry you?
Does he have similar values to you?
Does he envision you in his future?
Does he encourage you to improve yourself?
Does he love you in a way that is visible and audible, especially when times are tough?
Does he love you when you are not lovable?

When a couple is turning the corner from dating to a life-term commitment, the questions leading up to the big question matter. There is simply more to ask than whether someone plans on marriage and there is so much more to gain than a proposal.

couples, dating, marriage, proposal, commitment, Tracey Cox, There Goes the Bride

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Having a vacation is great. Having three days between arriving back home and heading back to the normal routine is even better, so JG and I planned a couple of days cushion our re-entry into the real world.

JG has taken these few days to binge himself on video games and watching the Masters Golf Tournament. In a way, I understand because going back to teaching antsy students is rearing its ugly head and he doesn’t get to blow off steam with video games too often. This golf tournament only comes up once a year and it seems mean to deprive him of it. Even so, it’s irritating to lose television rights for almost two consecutive days when the screen alternates between Augusta National Golf Club and the green view from Splinter Cell night vision goggles.

And then JG said something that scared me a little bit.

“My next game system will probably be a Wii,” he said nonchalantly.

Oh, my. I am not personal fan of video games and this interactive, injury-inducing version seems to be a bit, ah, intense. JG’s little GameCube seems so docile in comparison.

Then he tells me that the Wii is better for people who aren’t naturally good at video games. “Like you,” he says. “You know how you lean to make your car in MarioKart go to the left or right? That will work for you!”

Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel better, but I’m intrigued enough to do a little research for myself. Articles from around the time that the Wii was released (conveniently in time for the 2006 shopping season) were speculative about the realistic expectations for non-gaming gamers to absorb the goodness that was the Wii. And what was the motivation for Nintendo to be so inclusive, anyway?

According to Bonnie Ruberg, of joystiq, reflected on the business and social aspects of this development:

On the one hand, it’s refreshing to see a major player like Nintendo thinking about women — not just in terms of one game, but a whole console, and with it a slew of “non-girly” titles. It’s also encouraging to see female players linked with innovation, something the video game industry as a whole needs desperately. Women have finally made it onto the larger marketing map.

At the same time, some female gamers are understandable bothered by claims like the ones Reggie made for the Wii. First off, women players already do exist; we’re right here. It’s just that, until we bring in the big bucks, we don’t seem to matter. Second, women are people, full grown adults who can make decisions for themselves about what they like or dislike — video games included. Telling them what they’ll play, so the argument goes, is insulting to their ability to make choices.

I can understand that. I wouldn’t normally play video games, but what - I need some dumbed down version that would be more palatable, is it? Bah!

Stories from my friends have been more convincing to me than all of the hype. My non-video-game-savvy pals tell stories of their Wii experiences, none of which include bleeding or bruises. They say it’s fun! They’re not bad at it! Their families and friends enjoy playing together and watching one another. So, maybe this is something to consider.

When I check out all of the developments detailed at Wii Rally, it’s clear that this whole thing moves faster than I can keep track. So, maybe this isn’t a bad idea, entirely. I’m open to having fun, you know.

I’ll just make sure that I lay claim to the TV when there’s something good on HGTV.

couples, video games, different interests, Wii

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Months ago, JG e-mailed me at work:

Let’s start thinking about spring break for next year. Here is your task: think of three U.S. cities you’d like to visit and e-mail them back to me by the end of the day.

I wrote back excitedly, “Ooh! Love this! I have to think about this one, but I have some ideas…”

I have really only traveled up and down the east coast. I go to San Francisco fairly often for work - hence, very little sight-seeing - and other than that, Pittsburgh was the farthest west I have traveled. It was sad. I went around my office to quiz people on their travels and I got a lot of ideas:

“The Outerbanks!”
“Didn’t you mention that you’ve never been to Chicago?”
“Oh, Texas, for the barbecue, for sure.”
“What about Denver? Then you guys could climb or hike.”
“Early April? Florida will be warm, then.”
“Arizona would be great, you know.”

None of the suggestions really struck a chord with me. I talked to one last co-worker and mentioned half-heartedly, “I’ve been wanting to go to Seattle for a really long time, but no one thought of that one.” His eyes lit up. “Oh, you’d love it there. That should be at the top of your list. Just pick whatever you want - it’s your vacation.”

That’s right. It’s my vacation.

I sent a reply e-mail to JG:

Okay, here’s my list:

Love you!

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, JG had to break the news to me that we probably couldn’t afford a vacation that was beyond driving distance, which sadly disqualified Seattle. I was really disappointed, but I wasn’t at all graceful about it. I acted like we had already planned the whole thing and JG rudely pulled the rug out from under me. I knew he was being practical, but … it’s my vacation!

No, it’s our vacation and the money matters. It’s appropriate and right for JG to be watchful of our finances. There will always be things that we could do even if we can’t.

Eventually, I remembered that Williamsburg, Virginia, is within a reasonable driving distance and has the added benefit of having a big amusement park. JG did some research and voila! A vacation that we would enjoy and afford! Besides, feeling guilty about how much money we’re spending when we’re trying to get away and relax takes away a part of the fun, I think.

couples, spring break, vacation, decision, compromise

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I’ve mentioned before that JG’s family takes an annual vacation to Ocean City, New Jersey, and last summer was my first opportunity to join them. I was nervous. Don’t get me wrong - I was grateful for the excuse to take time off from work and I enjoy spending time with his family, but the brutual truth was (and still is) that I didn’t like the beach. The rocky New England shorelines of my childhood made for beaches that were scenic, but not comfortable. I was content to look but not touch.

I should explain that everyone who goes on this trip loves the beach. They play tons of games in their Beach Olympics, they can all body surf like champs, and they count on doing the same things on the boardwalk that they have always done. The trip is a tradition that goes back to before any of the grandchildren were born and I was stepping into it for the very first time. And I didn’t like the beach.

JG prepped me, saying, “It’s okay if you just sit on your beach chair. My mom and the aunts do it all day and no one bothers them. (Oh, great. I’m in the Moms category.) Just bring lots of books and you can read the whole week long. It would be nice if you got in the water, but there’s no pressure, really. (Mm hmm.) I’d love to teach you how to body surf, but it’s up to you. (So not happening.) I’m just glad that I finally get to share this with you.” Oh, boy. Deep breath.

I wasn’t anxious only because of my dislike for all things beach. I really wanted to have a good time. I didn’t want to take anything away from the memories JG had of this trip that so defined his childhood summers. What if I didn’t fit in with the idyllic vacation of his youth? What if his family thought I was boring because I didn’t want to swim? This trip wasn’t merely a vacation; it was a rite of passage.

Sure enough, I read books for the entire week. I joined right in for board games, but I stayed out of the water, except for one fateful outing that left me with salt water in my eyes, up my nose, and burning my throat. I had yummy salt-water taffy from the boardwalk and I managed to get six holes in one in the mini-golf tournament! All in all, it was a fine vacation. It wasn’t what I would have chosen, but sometimes, that’s how things are. I got to spend a week with JG’s family and have a window into their traditions. I’m just glad to report that they didn’t think I was boring. Even so, I would have preferred to avoid getting salt water up my nose, but I can not explain the ocean’s vendetta against me.

couples, in-laws, vacations, family, Ocean City

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A recent article at the Montreal Gazette discussed a growing trend among Canadian couples of taking separate vacations. In the interests of scheduling and varied tastes, these excursions allow for individual recreation.

With more women than ever in high-paying jobs, partners can often afford more than one vacation a year - but they can’t always get time off together, said Montreal marketing professor Robert Soroka.

They might also have widely divergent ideas of what’s fun. “Chilling out might mean skiing for one partner and scuba diving for the other,” said Soroka, who teaches at McGill University and at Dawson College.

These solo holidays do not, and should not, replace vacations with partners or family, proponents are quick to say.

In addition, outside vacations are helpful in nurturing other relationships, like friendships or extended family.

And travelling without one’s partner is an opportunity to nurture other important relationships, say advocates. “I love my husband, but I treasure my girlfriends,” said Natalie Lang.

The 38-year-old Montreal mother of two has travelled with these girlfriends to such destinations as Paris and Las Vegas, Maine and New York City. Three girlfriends live in Toronto, and her time visiting them is a riot of dinner parties, shopping, hanging out and great fun.

“We all feel the same way,” said Natalie, who runs a nanny and caregiver placement service. “We like going on trips with our families, but it’s a totally different thing with girlfriends.”

Although the idea might seem odd at first glance - some even questioned partners’ fidelity during these trips - I’m glad that traveling with other groups is a growing trend. Why not? It’s not a matter of lack of commitment; I think it’s unrealistic to think that we could always enjoy everything with the same degree of fervor all the time. JG is my best friend, for sure, but he doesn’t appreciate the ballet or art museums with me. I want to spend time with him, but dragging him along to what I’d enjoy only to have him be miserable is just not worth it. I’ve started to plan a long weekend to visit my sister when JG is off at a volleyball camp for the teach he coaches. He’ll spend the weekend running around and coaching while my sister and I go shopping and take in new exhibits in the DC area. The alternative is that one of us is just tolerant of the other’s activity, which doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me.

couples, separate vacations, time apart

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The problem: JG and I had totally disparate views on how to vacation, but we wanted our honeymoon - and first vacation together - to be fun and romantic. No pressure, right?

The solution: Take a cruise!

Initially, I was skeptical. Being trapped on a boat with thousands of other people did not seem like a plan for fun. JG showed me the cruise line’s website and I was lured into skimming their giant lists of activities, varied menu options, and choices of excursions. Snorkeling in the afternoon and lobster for dinner? Swing dance classes? Musical shows on the ship? Best of all - no additional planning required after ten months of wedding-planning? Sign me up!

So JG booked a 5-day, 4-night cruise to the Bahamas for us. We examined the excursions list and chose two: snorkeling for him and a historic tour of Nassau (with a stop at botanical gardens) for me. We agreed to scan the daily schedule of what the ship offered for activities so as to strike a happy medium between feeling overly scheduled and bored. I was actually excited, not stressed, about this trip, and even better - it was one more item crossed off my wedding to-do list.

I am happy to say that the cruise was a complete success. JG got his beach day when the ship docked at a private island and I got my educational injection by learning about old war sites around Nassau. We laughed along with a dueling pianos act and took a swing dancing class, where we were at the head of class, I might add. JG made other honeymooning brides jealous by dipping me on the dance floor during “Romantic Tunes” hour. We even won both the men’s and women’s divisions for a speed-climbing competition on the ship’s rock wall! Between the cruise’s structure and our freedom of movement, JG and I managed to have a great time together on our first vacation. I didn’t have to schedule anything out and I even went for the whole week without wearing my watch. Now, that’s relaxation.

couples, honeymoon, cruise, vacation, compromise

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This week, JG and I are on vacation – yay! We’re spending a few days taking in the sights in Williamsburg, Virginia, but most importantly, we’re taking a break from the daily routine. In honor of vacations, I present a week of travel-centric stories. Bon voyage!

- - -

It’s surprising for most folks to hear that the first vacation JG and I ever took together was our honeymoon. He took it upon himself to plan it, but after careful questions from me, it became startlingly clear that in order for both of us to have fun, we should probably not be on the same vacation:

Ideal location:
RA: bustling metropolis
JG: secluded beach

Ideal activities:
RA: museums, shopping, seeing sights
JG: lying on the beach, going into the ocean

Main objective:
RA: to absorb as much as possible that is unique about the location
JG: to relax

Biggest pet peeve:
RA: being bored
JG: being stressed

The disparity wasn’t all that surprising when viewed with context from our respective childhood vacations. My dad, an engineer, put together detailed itineraries for our vacations. If we were visiting Montreal, we did everything Montreal had to offer. We ate their food, watched their ballet, saw their art, and rode their transportation. Every day was accounted for and the schedule reigned supreme. I was usually exhausted by the end of the week, but I had definitely learned a thing or two in the process. On the other hand, JG was accustomed to an annual family trip to Ocean City, New Jersey. The traditions included trips to a used book store, pizza and mini-golf on the boardwalk, and games, but the majority of the time was spent lying on the beach or going into the water to body surf. Having nothing to do was a point of pride.

We understood the differences intellectually, but how were we going to meld two opposite ends of the spectrum? The urban landscape is anything but JG’s cup of tea; he flinched at having to visit museums and try different types of cuisine every night. Plus, the cost of that type of vacation can be astronomical, depending on the location, which was somewhat disheartening when we were about to be strapped-for-cash newlyweds. From my perspective, lying on a beach for five days was anything but a vacation. I don’t like sand or salt water, and I felt claustrophobic that my only two options were to sit in a beach chair or go into the ocean. I knew that the simplicity of it was the charm of the beach vacation, but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. It sounded so boring.

What to do?

More to come …

couples, vacation, compromise, honeymoon

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